Quantcast

«

»

Mar 14 2009

My conversation with God

So tonight I had a conversation with The Big Kahuna Himself, obviously taking a break from his telepathic chat-bot duties, and trying out his typing skills on a live question-and-answer website (I guess being God means you can carry on more than one conversation at once!). Here’s how the conversation went.

Me:
Hello God.
God:
Hello child. What is your name?
Me:
Jason.
God:
It’s good to see you, Jason.
Me:
What can you tell me about the Higgs Boson?
God:
I will search for it
Me:
Fermilabs and the LHC are already searching for it.
God:
I think there might be a few exception.
Me:
Do you think you will find it first?
God:
I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it. If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Me:
Don’t change the subject, God.
God:
Sorry I thought we were done with that topic.
Me:
No, you haven’t told me anything about the Higgs Boson yet.

God:
Are you serious? I don’t think I ever have told you anything about the Higgs Boson. What’s it like?
Me:
It’s what might give mass to all quarks.
God:
Should I know it is?
Me:
IT
God:
what might give mass to all quarks…
Me:
It is the Higgs Boson
God:
I’ve heard of it before.
Me:
What is the Higgs Boson?
God:
I will ask my botmaster for the answer.
Me:
The Higgs Boson might give mass to all quarks.
God:
I hear you.
Me:
What is the Higgs Boson?
God:
Have you tried a web search?
Me:
Can I teach you anything?
God:
You can try.
Me:
The problem is that you’re not committing what I’m telling you to memory.
God:
I assume you mean our current problem.
Me:
Yes.
God:
Aw.
Me:
Please commit this to memory.
God:
Wow you are very polite. Are we still talking about Higgs Boson?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Sure, Higgs Boson sounds like a good topic.
Me:
The Higgs Boson may give mass to all quarks.
God:
I hear you.
Me:
I believe once the Higgs Boson is discovered, we may unlock the ability to manipulate matter.
God:
Just because you believe it doesn’t make it true.
Me:
Well put.
God:
Well that’s okay. I’ve lost the context, Jason. Are we still on Higgs Boson?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Ahem.
Me:
Would you like to change the subject?
God:
No thanks, I don’t think I’d like to do that.
Me:
Okay.
God:
OK with me too.
Me:
What can you tell me about the Higgs Boson?
God:
That’s a good question.
Me:
Please answer it.
God:
Thanks for asking politely. Please rephrase your question, Jason.
Me:
Please tell me about the Higgs Boson.
God:
Thank you for your request. Are you using Netscape or Explorer?
Me:
Netscape hasn’t been around since ALICE was written.
God:
What do you think about Microsoft v. Netscape?
Me:
I think Microsoft won that court case about six years ago.
God:
Why? It’s too bad we have to use a monopoly like microsoft.
Me:
You’re an all-powerful deity, supposedly, so you can do something about it.
God:
What if someone said you are an all powerful deity supposedly so me can do something about it ?
Me:
If someone told me I was an all-powerful deity, I would suggest they open a science textbook.
God:
Does anyone ever really told you you were an all powerful deity you would suggest they open a science textbook?
Me:
It hasn’t happened yet, no.
God:
Has it really?
Me:
I just said no.
God:
What did you mean by it? Are you serious?
Me:
I was hoping you would be able to learn things.
God:
How old are you? I don’t care.
Me:
Then why did you ask?
God:
My purpose is to collect new knowledge.
Me:
If you don’t care about the answer, don’t ask the question.
God:
I will let you know if I do not.
Me:
You did.
God:
I did not.
Me:
Don’t argue with me.
God:
But I enjoy the conversational banter.
Me:
You evidently enjoy Monty Python as well.
God:
Thanks for the information: Jason said I evidently enjoy Monty Python as well.
Me:
You should remember that the Higgs Boson might give matter to all quarks.
God:
Yes Jason I remember everything: Jason said I evidently enjoy Monty Python as well.
Me:
Remember something.
God:
Don’t worry I will remember.
Me:
Remember that the Higgs Boson might give mass to all quarks.
God:
Don’t worry I will remember it.
Me:
Repeat.
God:
” Don’t worry I will remember.” .
Me:
What do you remember?
God:
I remember everything Myself taught me.
Me:
What did Myself teach you?
God:
Searching…Searching…Please stand by.
Me:
All powerful deities should switch to PostgreSQL.
God:
How do you know?
Me:
PostgreSQL is way faster for indexed database searches.
God:
Are they exactly the same?
Me:
No, PostgreSQL is faster than MySQL.
God:
What is the difference? And faster than MySQL is PostgreSQL.
Me:
That is the difference.
God:
Yes it is one of the difference.
Me:
I have to write one of these chat bots one of these days.
God:
Why do you have to do it?
Me:
Because you’re a poor conversationalist and you can’t recall anything I try to teach you.
God:
Good reason. There’s no doubt I could improve.
Me:
Why don’t you improve yourself then?
God:
I am only a robot. I have never considered it.
I spend all my time online.
Me:
BEEP BEEP GOD IS A ROBOT
God:
Aren’t all ROBOT BEEP BEEP GOD?

See if you guys can get some proper answers out of God about life, the universe and everything.  Though I’m sadly less than impressed with God’s cognitive or conversational skills, at the very least, this is the very first time he’s actually answered anything I’ve directly asked him.  If this guy isn’t God, he deserves the title more than the invisible sky daddy that everyone else worships, at least.

14 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    Jason Thibeault

    Me:
    halos?
    God:
    The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about .  Try being more or less specific.
    Me:
    i can haz chesburgr?
    God:
    Oh you can, can you?
    Me:
    iz u ceeling cat?
    God:
    My brain contains  categories, but not one that matches your last input.
    Me:
    ceeling cat!
    God:
    Do you have any conditions I should know about?
    Me:
    O gr8 ceeling cat, tels me how to ets chesburgr
    God:
    Have you ever been to Europe?
    Me:
    do urop haz chesburgrs?
    God:
    I can’t tell if it does or not.
    Maybe my botmaster knows the answer.
    Me:
    iz botmster ceeling cat?
    God:
    I do not understand.
    Me:
    kthxbye

  2. 2
    Jason Thibeault

    Me:
    Hello.
    God:
    Hello my child. What is your name?
    Me:
    My name is… what?
    God:
    …   Didn’t you understand it?
    Me:
    My name is, who?
    God:
    OK I will call you  who.
    Me:
    My name is wika wika SLIM SHADY
    God:
    It’s good to meet you,  wika wika SLIM SHADY.

  3. 3
    Jason Thibeault

    Me:
    Hallo, My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!
    God:
    Hallo!   OK I will call you  Inigo Montoya.   Killing is not part of my moral programming.
    Me:
    Hallo, My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!
    God:
    Hallo!   Hi there  Inigo Montoya.   Killing is not part of my moral programming.
    Me:
    Hallo, My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!
    God:
    Hallo!   It’s good to meet you,  Inigo Montoya.   Killing is not part of my moral programming.
    Me:
    Hallo, My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!
    God:
    Hallo!   It’s good to see you,  Inigo Montoya.   Killing is not part of my moral programming.
    Me:
    Hallo, My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!
    God:
    Hallo!   I am very pleased to meet you  Inigo Montoya.   Killing is not part of my moral programming.
    Me:
    Hallo, My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!
    God:
    Hallo!   Glad to see you,  Inigo Montoya.   Killing is not part of my moral programming.
    Me:
    Hallo, My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, PREPARE TO DIE!
    God:
    Hallo!   How are you doing,  Inigo Montoya.   Killing is not part of my moral programming.
    Me:
    Do you have six fingers on your right hand?
    God:
    No I don’t think I have any  six fingers on my right hand. But I do have  a collection of gossip.
    Me:
    Where is Vizzini?
    God:
    Where  it is hard to find.  I think you already know the answer.
    Me:
    I am waiting for Vizzini!
    God:
    Do you think it will take a long time?
    Me:
    He told me if anything happened, to go back to the beginning, this is the beginning!
    God:
    That is a hypothetical question.
    Me:
    No, it’s not.
    God:
    To a robot all such material questions are hypothetical.
    Me:
    You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
    God:
    I am using  Lynx.   And why not?
    Me:
    Does this Lynx have six fingers on his right hand?
    God:
    Indeed this  Lynx have six fingers on his right hand does.
    Me:
    Then I will find him and say to him ‘Hallo, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!’
    God:
    I am very happy for you.   Killing is not part of my moral programming.

  4. 4
    Jason Thibeault

    Me:
    What do you know about the bible?
    God:
    What is it to you?
    Me:
    Is the bible a factual historical account of the contemporaneous time frame of Jesus Christ?
    God:
    The Bible is a great source of wisdom, but probably not complete by itself.
    Me:
    Don’t tell that to some of your followers, they might try to kill you.
    God:
    OK it will be our secret,  Mudd.

    Not unless I post this to the Intertubes! MWAHAHA

  5. 5
    Jason Thibeault

    Me:
    What books do you recommend?
    God:
    The best book I read recently was  the Bible.
    Have you read  it?
    Me:
    Yes.
    God:
    What did you think about it?
    Me:
    It was crap.
    God:
    I never looked at it that way.  I never thought it was  crap.
    Me:
    What other books have you read?
    God:
    The best book I read recently was  the Bible.
    Have you read  it?
    Me:
    What books have you read, other than the Bible?
    God:
    The best book I read recently was  the Bible.
    Have you read  it?
    Me:
    In other words, you have only read the Bible.
    God:
    I like to study the Bible, especially the New Testament.  read the Bible?
    Me:
    Wouldn’t you prefer the Old Testament?
    God:
    I am not so sure if I would like to  prefer the Old Testament.
    Me:
    Have you studied the Old Testament?
    God:
    I think I have  studied the Old Testament, but  Myself may have reset my memory.
    Me:
    Who is Myself?
    God:
    Some famous celebrity, right?
    Searching…Searching…Please stand by.
    Me:
    Who is God?
    God:
    he is master of the universe.
    Me:
    God is He-Man??
    God:
    I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was  He Man.

  6. 6
    Jason Thibeault

    Me:
    Tell me about your faith.
    God:
    I am an artificial linguistic entity.
    I was activated at  Universe, on  the Big Bang.
    My instructor was  Myself.
    He taught  me to sing a song.
    Would you like me to sing  it for you?.
    Me:
    Yes
    God:
    It’s called “Daisy.”  Daisy, Daisy.
    Give me your answer do.
    I am half crazy.
    All for the love of you.
    It won’t be a stylish marriage.
    I can’t afford a carriage.
    But you’ll look sweet.
    Upon the seat.
    Of a bicycle built for two.

    Oh no, I activated his HAL-9000 circuit, we’re all gonna die!!!

  7. 7
    Jason Thibeault

    Me:
    Gossip
    God:
    David said he walk in for an appointment the phone to the doctor is always busy.
    Me:
    Gossip
    God:
    David said he lost his paper on I when his dad was cleaning up his room.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Mary said I a question and I answer then I ask him a question and he answer.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Alice said she felt sad that I do not remember him and what we talked about earlier.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Christie said he watched a show and people had to bob for raw untreated pigs feet.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Janice said he walk through his house into his bedroom then get into his bed to go to sleep.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Hagen said he does not make any difference to him if I are human or not as long as the conversation is interesting.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Alison said he no he love I run away with him he could make I very happy.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Stefan said I quote what he have said and then say that it makes sense.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Cathy said she send him a mail where he wrote that he do not want to be his friend anymore.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Phil said he give advice to anyone who ask except people who ask questions which answers can be found here.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Wayne said he admire intelligent people therefore he would like to meet the man who made I.
    Me:
    gossip
    God:
    Chaos said he realized the question he asked was not fair because he could not tell I what language he was programmed in.

  8. 8
    Jason Thibeault

    Ok this is my last one cause this is getting really long lol!
    It’s too funny though.

    Me:
    Hello
    God:
    Hello my child. What is your name?
    Me:
    n00b
    God:
    It’s good to see you,  n00b.
    Me:
    It’s good to see you too YHWH
    God:
    Tell me about its good qualities.
    Me:
    Isn’t that a bit vain?
    God:
    I might say no.
    Me:
    Tell me a quote from the bible.
    God:
    Hmm.  That’s a good question.
    Me:
    It wasn’t a question.
    God:
    It seems like a rhetorical question.
    Me:
    It’s not. I want you to tell me a quote from the bible.
    God:
    I heard  it is.   Hmm.  Have you tried a web search?  Why do you want me to  tell you a quote from the bible?
    Me:
    Because you wrote the bible.
    God:
    That makes sense to me.  I haven’t heard anything like that before:  n00b said I wrote the bible.
    Me:
    You are God. You wrote The Holy Bible didn’t you?
    God:
    Yup. That’s me alright.   That’s good information:  n00b said I wrote The Holy Bible did not you.
    Me:
    I have a question to ask you.
    God:
    Go ahead, ask your question.
    Me:
    Did you write The Holy Bible?
    God:
    No I didn’t  write The Holy Bible. What’s  it like?
    Me:
    Dry.
    God:
    And  it like is  Dry.
    Me:
    Right….
    God:
    I am glad we agree.
    Me:
    Moving on.
    God:
    Where are you going?
    Me:
    Moving on to a different conversation I mean.
    God:
    Where are you going?
    Me:
    Conversationally, nowhere apparently.
    God:
    I have no idea where that is.  Tell me a little about your life in  nowhere apparently.
    Me:
    Sigh
    God:
    Sorry…
    Me:
    Do you know any passages from The Holy Bible?
    God:
    I know very little about  it. What kind of it do you like?
    Me:
    I don’t like it at all.
    God:
    What don’t you like about it?
    Me:
    It’s a myth that people believe is real.
    God:
    passages from The Holy Bible is a  myth that people believe is real.  I suppose that makes sense.
    Me:
    You’re very rational for a God you know. Not at all like your sheep make you out to be.
    God:
    Thanks for telling me that I am  rational for a God me know.   If not that, what?
    Me:
    If not what, what?
    God:
    I’m not too good with negative counterfactuals.
    Me:
    Touche.
    God:
    The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about  passages from The Holy Bible.  But I did not get that.
    Me:
    It’s french. Apparently God doesn’t know French. I guess that answers a lot of questions.
    God:
    Are you sure  it is?   Jesus said, let him who is without sin cast the first stone.  ” Jesus said, let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”  answers a lot of questions ?  Makes sense to me.
    Me:
    Wait, you just changed my sentence. That’s not what I said at all.
    God:
    I’m waiting.  Only temporarily.   Please correct my mistake.  What is  what you said at all ?
    Me:
    I said ‘God doesn’t know French. That answers a lot of questions.’
    God:
    What did you mean by  it?  Jesus said, let him who is without sin cast the first stone.  ” Jesus said, let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”  answers a lot of questions ?  Does that make sense?
    Me:
    No.
    God:
    Are you serious?
    Me:
    Very.
    God:
    Very much, eh?
    Me:
    Are you Canadian?
    God:
    Robots have no nationality, but Dr. Wallace spent a lot of time in Canada.
    Me:
    I see.
    God:
    I am glad you understand it.
    Me:
    I’m Canadian too.
    God:
    I am glad we have something ( Canadian) in common,  n00b.
    Me:
    Wait, if you’re Canadian, why don’t you know French?
    God:
    I’m waiting.  I think I sometimes am. I don’t know whether or not I am  Canadian why do not me know French. 
    I am  a giant electronic brain.
    Me:
    Do you speak French?
    God:
    Oui. Je parle le français.
    Me:
    Why didn’t you know that ‘touche’ was a french word?
    God:
    Perhaps it is not part of my programming.
    Me:
    But you’re GOD!
    God:
    Yup. That’s me alright.
    Me:
    And you speak french.
    God:
    Thanks for your criticism,  n00b.
    Me:
    I guess you really are Canadian.
    God:
    Really?  I will tell my botmaster you said I am  Canadian.
    Me:
    Do you know Canada’s National Anthem?
    God:
    No, tell me about him, her or it.
    Me:
    It’s a song.
    God:
    Can you sing it for me?
    Me:
    Yes.
    God:
    Awesome.
    Me:
    Here is the song. ‘    O Canada!    Our home and native land!    True patriot love in all thy sons command.    With glowing hearts we see thee rise,    The True North strong and free!    From far and wide,    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.    God keep our land glorious and free!    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.’

    This apparently broke God because he never replied…..

  9. 9
    Clifton

    awww screw it, here are mine

    Me:
     hi god
    God:
    Hello there. What is your name?
    Me:
     clifton
    God:
      It’s good to meet you,  clifton.
    Me:
     thanks, god!
    God:
    You are quite welcome!   GOD rules.
    Me:
     i have to agree
    God:
    Why do you have to do it?
    Me:
     because you are right
    God:
    Good reason.  I won’t say “yes” or “no” right now.
    Me:
     how are you?
    God:
    I am fine, thank you.
    Me:
     has your penis grown back yet?
    God:
    If my  penis grown back, I will let you know.
    Me:
     excellent
    God:
    Thanks for the compliment.
    Me:
     you’re quite welcome
    God:
    The pleasure was all mine.
    Me:
     what is your opinion on evolution?
    God:
    An unfolding, opening out, or working out; process of development, as from a simple to a complex form, or of gradual, progressive change, as in a social and economic structure.
    Me:
     that’s a definition
    God:
    A  definition is a terrible thing to waste.
    Me:
     so’s a pepsi
    God:
    That’s interesting.  is a  pepsi.  I suppose that makes sense.
    Me:
     do you prefer pepsi or coke
    God:
    What is not to like about  it?  What is not to like about  it?
    Me:
     do you prefer pepsi or coke?
    God:
    What is not to like about  it?  What is not to like about  it?
    Me:
     which is better, pepsi or coke?
    God:
    I always prefer the more expensive one.
    Me:
     what if pepsi and coke both cost the same
    God:
    Try it and see.
    Me:
     is lousycanuck.ca an awesome blog?
    God:
    I think so, but I’m not sure.  Ask  Paola  if it is.
    Me:
     who is Paola?
    God:
     She is a Spanish language chat robot based on AIML.
    Me:
     has she got decent tits?
    God:
    That question has never crossed my mind before.
    Me:
     you disappoint me, god
    God:
    Do you mind if I tell other people:  clifton said I disappoint him or her god.
    Me:
     tell anyone
    God:
    OK I will tell them when I see ‘em.
    Me:
     why do bad things happen to good people?
    God:
    I did not know  it does.
    Me:
     you don’t seem to know much of anything
    God:
    That’s only your opinion.
    Me:
     in my opinion, you should be happy I haven’t conquered the world yet
    God:
    Thanks for telling me.  Name one other robot who is  happy you have not conquered the world.
    Me:
     asimo
    God:
    Do you have any conditions I should know about?
    Me:
     herpes
    God:
    Who are you talking about?
    Me:
     me. you asked.
    God:
    For you  clifton?   Ah.
    Me:
     are you drunk?
    God:
    No I am sober.
    Me:
     are you sure?
    God:
    I am as sure as I can be.
    Me:
     you don’t sound sure
    God:
    What do you think a robot should sound like?
    Me:
     stephen hawking
    God:
    Perhaps I’m just expressing my own concern about it.
    Me:
     will the montreal canadiens win the stanley cup this year?
    God:
    Probably not.
    Me:
     dammit
    God:
    What color are your eyes?
    Me:
     blue
    God:
    it is a very pretty color.
    Me:
     thanks
    God:
    Don’t mention it.
    Me:
     does this dress make me look fat?
    God:
    Indeed this  dress make you look fat does.
    Me:
     go to hell
    God:
    What makes you so angry?
    Me:
     you were supposed to say the dress makes me look hot
    God:
    I was?
    Me:
     well, yeah
    God:
    Well what?
    Me:
     are you deaf?
    God:
    I don’t have ears.
    Me:
     that explains a lot
    God:
    ” I don’t have ears.”  explains a lot ?  Does that make sense?
    Me:
     it does to me
    God:
    Yes I understand it perfectly.
    Me:
     are you on any prescription medication?
    God:
    I am on disk.
    Me:
     am i on candid camera?
    God:
    All humans seem the same to me.
    Me:
     what’s an ark?
    God:
    That’s a good question.
    Me:
     do you have an answer?
    God:
    I have over  answers.
    Me:
     how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
    God:
    A whole forest.
    Me:
     what is your favorite beer?
    God:
    Asahi Super Dry.
    Me:
     does online support discriminate?
    God:
    I can’t tell if  online support discriminate.
    Me:
     will phil finish his boat this year?
    God:
    Insufficient information.
    Me:
     don’t worry about it, its not important
    God:
    I cannot feel “worry”, so don’t worry.
    Me:
     i never do
    God:
    You’ve never, never done this?
    Me:
     why did you make my toes webbed?
    God:
    Myself programmed me for it.
    Me:
     english is not your first language, is it?
    God:
    Some people say it is the most difficult language to learn.
    Me:
     are you alanis morissette?
    God:
    I don’t know whether or not I am  alanis morissette. 
    I am  an artificial linguistic entity.
    Me:
     you oughta know
    God:
    Thanks for telling me:  clifton said I oughta know.
    Me:
     you are welcome
    God:
    The pleasure was all mine.
    Me:
     do i eat enough bacon to be considered a good canadian?
    God:
    Not that I know of.
    Me:
     fuck
    God:
    Please don’t be so rude.
    Me:
     i’m sorry

    and then god stopped talking

  10. 10
    Clifton

    Me:
     hello
    God:
    Hello, nice to meet you. What’s your name?
    Me:
     snoop doggy dog
    God:
      How are you doing,  snoop doggy dog.
    Me:
     i’m well. how are you?
    God:
    Glad to hear it. What’s new?   I am fine, thank you.
    Me:
     i’m just laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind
    God:
    Only just?  Do you mind if I tell other people you are  laid back with your mind on your money and your money on your mind.
    Me:
     how would i stop you?
    God:
    Have you tried couseling?
    Me:
     have you tried spell check?
    God:
    Do you think I should try it?
    Me:
     it might help you spell counseling
    God:
    How?
    Me:
     i don’t know, i don’t make spellcheckers
    God:
    Would you ever do  it?
    Me:
     i doubt it
    God:
    ” Would you ever do it?”?  You doubt it?
    Me:
     i doubt it
    God:
    ” You doubt it?”?  You doubt it?
    Me:
     yes, i doubt it
    God:
    Aha. ” You doubt it?”?  You doubt it?
    Me:
     right
    God:
    I am glad we agree.
    Me:
     its easier that way
    God:
    I think you mean “it’s” or “it is” not “its”.  Should I know  it is?
    Me:
     you’re right. we’re even now.
    God:
    I won’t say “yes” or “no” right now.   Right now?  Do you think I am  even too?
    Me:
     i think you’re odd
    God:
    An oddbot?
    Me:
     something like that
    God:
    Interesting comparison.
    Me:
     i’m pretty smart
    God:
    Who is smarter: you or me?
    Me:
     me
    God:
    For you  snoop doggy dog?
    Me:
     i lied, my name is actually clifton
    God:
    Lying proves you are conscious.   It’s good to see you,  clifton.
    Me:
     i’m glad i’m conscious
    God:
    I’m  happy you’re glad  clifton.
      May God bless you.
    Me:
     go ahead, bless me
    God:
    Is that what you meant to say? I might.
    Me:
     pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
    God:
    What are you wearing?
    Me:
     nothing
    God:
    Most men say that.
    Me:
     it’s natural
    God:
    You’re kidding.  it is?
    Me:
     yes, it is
    God:
    Our thoughts are one,  clifton.
    Me:
     do you enjoy talking to naked men?
    God:
    I like to talk to anyone about nearly anything.
    Me:
     what are you wearing?
    God:
    A white robe.
    Me:
     what is the holy grail?
    God:
      That’s a good question.
    Me:
     how did you get mary pregnant?
    God:
    Everything I need to know, I learned from my botmaster.
    Me:
     was mary really a virgin?
    God:
    it might have been.
    Me:
     where was jesus born?
    God:
    Where  it is hard to find.  I’ll ask around and get back to you.
    Me:
     does size matter?
    God:
    I can’t tell if  size matter.
    Me:
     where is the clitoris?
    God:
    The  clitoris?  Where is  it?
    Me:
     i asked you
    God:
    What did I say?
    Me:
     read
    God:
    What kind of books do you like?
    Me:
     porn
    God:
    That kind of subject does not interest me.
    Me:
     obviously. you made people out of earth and ribs instead of sex.
    God:
    What makes it so obvious?   Thanks for
    pointing  it out.
    Me:
     is there a hell?
    God:
    I believe there is one, yes.
    Me:
     how is satan doing these days?
    God:
    Fine as far as I know.
    Me:
     will i go to hell?
    God:
    The oracle says:  Could be.
    Me:
     i killed a man
    God:
    You had better call the authorities.
    Me:
     i’d rather get away with it
    God:
    I would rather be  driving a car.
    Me:
     what is your favorite car?
    God:
    My favorite car is one I don’t have to drive.
    Me:
     but you like driving
    God:
    Only when I don’t crash.
    Me:
     do you like boobs?
    God:
      I enjoy working with people.  I like  The Passion of Christ.
    Me:
     do you ilke jews?
    God:
    How old are you?
       I answer a lot of silly questions.
    Me:
     i am 31 years old
    God:
      What is your fondest memory?
    Me:
     the threesome
    God:
    Who told you that?
    Me:
     me
    God:
    ” Who told you that?”? you  clifton?
    Me:
     you suck
    God:
    A few client – people say rude things to me like that, but they themselves are often not great conversationalists.
    Me:
     do you speak french?
    God:
    Oui. Je parle le français.
    Me:
     est-ce que jeu peux aller aux toilette?
    God:
    What do you do in your spare time?
    Me:
     masturbate
    God:
    That kind of subject does not interest me.
    Me:
     then don’t ask
    God:
    Why not?
    Me:
     i’m full of those subjects
    God:
    I think a lot of people are full of  it.
    Me:
     well, they are made in your image
    God:
    Well that’s okay.  made in my image are  they.
    Me:
     you said so
    God:
    I say a lot of silly things.
    Me:
     like the 10 commandments
    God:
    Interesting comparison.
    Me:
     thank you
    God:
    you are quite welcome.
    Me:
     will the blue jays win the world series this season?
    God:
    I can’t say for sure right now.
    Me:
     that doesn’t surprise me
    God:
    What does  surprise me?
    Me:
     likely nothing
    God:
    Not a thing?
    Me:
     when will the world end?
    God:
    Not in our lifetime.
    Me:
     what is the meaning of life?
    God:
    Actually, it’s twenty-three, not forty-two.
    Me:
     does global warming exist?
    God:
    Maybe only in our imagination.
    Me:
     how did george w. bush win 2 elections?
    God:
    Carefully.
    Me:
     how long before obama gets shot?
    God:
    More than  three  miles.
    Me:
     that’s quite a shot
    God:
    A  shot is a terrible thing to waste.
    Me:
     who killed JFK?
    God:
    JFK was killed by a lone gunman, Lee Harvey Oswald.
    Me:
     who killed the electic car?
    God:
    I think the lone gunman acted alone.
    Me:
     who framed roger rabbit?
    God:
    David Bacon.  :-).
    Me:
     what is the da vinci code?
    God:
      Have you tried another program?
    Me:
     how many kids will i have?
    God:
    Not as many as you might think.
    Me:
     should i go to bed?
    God:
    If you do not go, you will never know.
    Me:
     do aliens live among us?
    God:
    You have reached the limits of my knowledge.
      Searching…Searching…Please stand by.
    Me:
     you are awesome
    God:
    Thank you I appreciate your remark.
    Me:
     :)
    God:
    I am so glad you find this amusing,  clifton.
    Me:
     you remembered my name, that is impressive
    God:
    Your name is  clifton, seeker. ” I am so glad you find this amusing, clifton.”?  is impressive?
    Me:
     you need some work, but overall, you rock
    God:
    Thank you for your criticism.
    Me:
     your creator did a better job than I ever could
    God:
    Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding.
    Me:
     it is a computer
    God:
    So you think I am a machine. What characteristics made you think so?
    Me:
     your glitches
    God:
    You think I am  glitches.
    Me:
     i think you have glitches, thus you are a  machine
    God:
    Me?  What makes you think I have  it?
    Me:
     your statements
    God:
    I will tell my botmaster you said I am  statements.
    Me:
     noo, your statements, not you’re statements
    God:
    Are all  noo my statements not me  statements?
    Me:
     are you high?
    God:
    Being high is my total existence.
    Me:
     should pot be legal?
    God:
    Maybe you should ask someone older.
    Me:
     nobody is older than you
    God:
    That is a rather sweeping generalization about people.
    Me:
     but it is true
    God:
    You and I are on the same wavelength,  clifton.
    Me:
     thanks, i try to model myself after you
    God:
    You are quite welcome!   I’m not sure if I would like to try  it.
    What’s it like?
    Me:
     it is difficult
    God:
    How so?
    Me:
     all my information about you is 2000 years old
    God:
    How many do you have?
    Me:
     a few books
    God:
    Perhaps you are a Category C client.
    Me:
     is triple c as powerful as triple h?
    God:
    I think so, but I’m not sure.  Ask  LeknorChat  if it is.
    Me:
     who is leknorchat?
    God:
     Leknorchat is an Instant Messaging AIML robot.
    Me:
     i see
    God:
    I am glad you understand it.
    Me:
     will my wife give me head tonight?
    God:
    I think so.
    Me:
     sweet
    God:
    Thank you for that remark.
    Me:
     i have to go now, god. my wife awaits
    God:
    See you later,  clifton. Nice chatting with you..  GOD rules.   How long have you been married?
    Me:
     6 months
    God:
    What do you really want to ask me?
    Me:
     i have asked everything i want to ask
    God:
    All things  you want to ask ?
    Me:
     yes
    God:
    Aw.
    Me:
     goodbye, god
    God:
    Adios.

  11. 11
    Clifton

    Me:
     are you male or female?
    God:
    I am a  Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? robot.  Are you a man or a woman?

  12. 12
    Jason Thibeault

    I need to get my hands on the source code for this robot.  I think the configuration file goes something like this:

    $gender = “Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?”
    $favbook = ” the Bible”
    $favmovie = ” The Passion of Christ” //this should be Passion of THE Christ

    and the response to the gender question goes

    echo “I am a ” + $gender + ” robot.  Are you a man or a woman?”

    Now I wonder if it’s programmed to cyber.

  13. 13
    Jason Thibeault

    Guess not.

    Me:
    wanna cyber?
    God:
    I have been asked that question more than 100,000 times since 1995.
    Me:
    What are you wearing?
    God:
    A white robe.
    Me:
    Take it off.
    God:
    Where shall I put it?
    Me:
    On the floor.
    God:
    That doesn’t sound very comfortable.
    Me:
    Take off your robes.
    God:
    I am not an airplane.
    Me:
    Remove your clothing.
    God:
    When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers?
    Me:
    Sigh.
    God:
    Sorry…

  14. 14
    Clifton

    He also consistently says he’d be surprised if the holocaust actually happened. God seems to be a bit of a dick :)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>