Dear (insert title and name),
I cannot tell you how delighted we were to learn of the STUDENT EXPRESSION OF RELIGIOUS VIEWPOINTS bill now under consideration by the __________ (fill in the state) legislature. Let me tell you why.
For some years now there has existed in the State of _________ a “by invitation only” highly secret society composed of students in the public schools who are within the top 1% of the student population as measured by intelligence and school achievement. We are fully aware that none of our members are in the ________ legislature. This is as expected. As would also be expected, persons of the required intelligence and achievement level necessary for membership in our society (which must remain unnamed) universally reject the primitive mythology of the Christian religion.
The proposed bill will permit these splendid and brilliant young people, in the words of the new law, to “express their beliefs about religion in homework, artwork, and other written and oral assignments free from discrimination based on the religious content of their submissions.” Further, this remarkable piece of legislation will protect the expression of “the student’s perspective on purpose, achievement, life, school, graduation, and looking forward to the future.”
Thank you from all of us. We support and praise this legislation that we had doubted would ever even be proposed, much less passed. Already, some of our members and alumni are preparing discussion topics and graduation speeches in reliance upon this outstanding law. Overwhelmingly, you can expect to hear from our members as they speak and produce art from positions of leadership and achievement within their respective schools. Here are just a few of their topics:
“Masturbation Techniques for Boys Not Dating Catholic girls.”
“The Flying Spaghetti Monster–The Twin Meatballs of his Pastafarian Noodleness.”
“Clitoral Resection as a Means to Female Holiness.”
“Burkas for Men–A Plea for Gender Equality.”
“Homoeroticism and Gratification thru Sexual Pain in the Cinematography of Mel Gibson.”
“Free Love and Eroticism in Primates as a Model for Teenage Sexuality.”
“Religious Crime as a Viable Career Option.”
“In Praise of Pedophilia within a Celibate Priesthood.”
“Cannibalism and Child Sacrifice as Foundational Sacraments of Christian Perversions.”
These few samples represent only a few of the less controversial topics we can look forward to in our schools once your protective legislation has been passed into law.
Now, if you would only reconsider the age of consent. Just joking.
Edwin Kagin © 2012