Squirrel people collude to maim and kill Mississippi women.

Mississippi has been all up in the news lately, most notably for its attempt to wrest the championship title from North Carolina for Worst Asshole State:

Mississippi is making headlines today after Governor Phil Bryant signed House Bill 1523 into law, which allows private businesses to deny service to LGBT customers, and to anyone who has had sex out of wedlock. The bill states that it means to protect the “religious freedom” of Mississippians who believe marriage is solely defined as between a man and a woman, that sexual intercourse should only occur within the boundaries of that definition of marriage, and who don’t believe male or female genders can be changed.

Under House Bill 1523, any church, religious charity, or private business can decline to provide services to those whose lifestyles do not meet that criteria. As ThinkProgress reported, businesses can also fire employees whose lifestyles are in alleged violation of a business owner’s religious freedom…Perhaps the cruelest element of the new law states that a religious-based suicide hotline can refuse counseling to an LGBT caller.

These Christians sure seem super nice. After all, who would Jeezus shun? And how soon until we have a constitutional amendment guaranteeing USAmericans the right to SNIFF ALL THE PANTIES?

Anyway, it should hardly come as a surprise to students of the conservative menace that the Mississippi legislature also passed a bill this week outlawing a safe and effective abortion procedure (D&E), thereby effectively banning abortions after 14 weeks. It will also not come as a surprise that the state senate passed the bill 40-6. What may come as a surprise is that ten of those 40 doucheweasels are Democrats Squirrel People. And there are nine more of them in the House:

The house voted on final passage of the bill Tuesday with an 85-32 vote, approving the amended version passed by the state senate. Nine house Democrats joined with the Republican majority in voting for final passage.

On the bright side though, it’s very reassuring that the Mississippi government doesn’t have any serious problems to solve, so they have the spare time to sit around determining which particular tools and procedures doctors in the state are permitted to use when performing legal medical procedures upon penalty of felony charges, $10,000 fines and two years in jail.

Gov. Phil Bryant (R), who has said that it is his goal to “end abortion” in the state, has not yet said whether he will sign the D and E ban.

There is no way to “end abortion.” There is, however, a way to end safe and legal abortion—and the Squirrel People are on the job.

So-called adults have been lying to us 4EVAH.

Who among us hasn’t heard the (supposed) truism: “you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole!”

Of course you can’t do that! I mean, it makes perfect sense, right? At least I always thought so.

Well prepare to have your minds blown, people. Because, YES, it turns out that yes you can fit a square peg into a round hole! For lo, it has come to pass that I have witnessed with mine own eyes a square glass dish (full of freshly grated parmesan cheese) fit perfectly into a round steel serving vessel!

sqpegroundhole

So to recap what we know: there is no Santa, there is no Jeezus, and square things fit into round holes.

At this rate, next thing you know we’ll find out there are no space aliens visiting us either!

WHAT IS TRUE ANYMORE I CAN’T EVEN.

Invasion of the Squirrel People.

By now you’re probably wondering whether this whole squirrel dealio I’ve been obsessively ranting about here is, you know, actually going somewhere, or if instead I am just writing to amuse myself (as I admittedly do) and wasting a lot of valuable server space at FtB.

Well. I have merely been setting the stage for the Epic Truth Bomb I’m about to drop on you.

I refer, of course, to the Squirrel People.

No, I do not mean the traitorous humans who have taken up the cause of the enemy rodents (although I cannot rule them out). Nor should the Squirrel People be confused with Dick Cheney’s Lizard People, who can be observed in the wild attending CPAC, independent Baptist churches, Republican-sponsored events, gun shows, and terrorizing people outside of Planned Parenthood clinics. The Squirrel People, on the other hand, are by definition all in the Democratic Party. But they conduct themselves primarily as conservatives—with everything that implies.

Oh sure, they go by other names from time to time: Blue Dogs, New Dems, DINOs, the Center Aisle Caucus, etc. But I will not be having any of that. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov said recently, “Well, if it looks like a terrorist, if it acts like a terrorist, if it walks like a terrorist, if it fights like a terrorist – it’s a terrorist.” Similarly, if it looks like a squirrel, swims like a squirrel and, um, quacks? like a squirrel? (Okay so that sentence did not go as well as I thought it would. :| ) My point is that the Squirrel People are conservatives. And just like the fucking squirrels, they ruin everything.

[Read more…]

I ♥ NY.

Following in the footsteps of some very powerful companies—including Apple, IBM, Wal-Mart, the NFL, the NBA and American Airlines—that are pressuring the state of North Carolina to repeal its evil law that forbids anti-discrimination statutes that protect LGBT people in any way, and bans trans people from using restrooms appropriate for their gender identities, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is piling on:

[Read more…]

Conservative atheists: get outta mah tent.

Dave Silverman, president of American Atheists, is a self-identified conservative. So is Jamila Bey, who sits on AAs board, and who last year gave a speech at CPAC, the annual right-wing clown circus attracting virtually every conservative shitweasel dedicated to ruining life on Earth for everyone (except themselves of course).

Samantha Bee sent a crew to cover Dave Silverman and American Atheists’ presence at this year’s colossal shitshow. It’s a hilarious segment. (If you haven’t been watching her new show Full Frontal on TBS, it is the genuine heir to John Stewart’s The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.)

My favorite part is when AA’s Amanda Knief says this about Silverman (@1:28):

Dave is what we call a firebrand. In any movement, we need people who are dicks. Who are assholes.

Perhaps this is true. But it is also true that there are different kinds of assholes. And movement atheism, which likes to consider itself a “Big Tent,” is already so chock full of them that many, many good people have been driven away and quite understandably want nothing to do with it.

This fact was highlighted in a recent podcast by one of my awesome new colleagues here at FtB, Trav Mamone at Bi Any Means. Trav was interviewing some d00d named Justin Scott, who has recently made a splash trolling all the presidential candidates by asking them their views on religious freedom. Scott had volunteered with American Atheists at CPAC this year, which prompted this question from Trav (@4:18):

TRAV: Don’t we have enough asshole atheists without bringing the conservatives on board?

ME IN MY APARTMENT: YES! YES!

JUSTIN SCOTT (WHO PROBABLY FEEDS SQUIRRELS) FOR THE REST OF THE ENTIRE PODCAST: NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I disrespectfully disagree.

[Read more…]

About those squirrels, Part 3: action plan.

In Parts 1 and 2, we learned about the squirrels’ sophisticated and escalating strategies in their all-out war against humanity, from deadly biological warfare to wanton acts of lawless depravity to outright terrorism aimed at civilian infrastructure—and even more ominously, the development of weaponry so advanced it threatens to unravel the very fabric of spacetime itself: water bending.

waterbendersquirrel

In Part 3, we will discuss actions all of us can take to mitigate (if not entirely eradicate) the pestilential scourge of Sciuridae.

We certainly have our work cut out for us too, because of so many unrepentant assholes—including my very own mother! JFC!—who insist on feeding these monsters, or even keeping them as pets (?!!!). Texas firefighters are rescuing squirrels. And just this January, My Amazing Lover™ brought to my attention a truly devastating and demoralizing development: some ridiculous jackasses apparently thought it was a grand idea to deem January 21 “Squirrel Appreciation Day.” This is treason, people. And when the Squirrelpocalypse is upon us, justice will be swift and fierce.

squirrelappreciationday

This is…just. What? No.

Clearly these kinds of people cannot be reasoned with.

(Between you and me: I already suspect a few of the commenters here are double agents for the fucking squirrels, and there could be many, many more lurking. STAY ALERT, people.)

As a first step, then, we must educate ourselves and any others who can still be reached before it’s too late.

Here are some resources to get started:

How to Stop Squirrels. Squirrels will happily destroy your garden, invade your attic, and eat your fucking house: they can and will chew through pretty much anything that isn’t metal. This website offers practical tips, tactics and product suggestions for keeping your home and surrounding areas squirrel-free.

Natural predators of squirrels. I propose we immediately scale up massive breeding programs for rat snakes, hawks, great horned owls and barred owls, red and gray foxes and bobcats. Even house cats can prey on squirrels, but last week alarming evidence emerged that suggests the cats have been compromised and may have defected to Team Squirrel. Fuckers.

Be alert to mass squirrel migrations. Click that link to see for yourself just how bad things can get. WARNING: this is the stuff of nightmares and horror movies.

Squirrel hunting tips on how to get started. (<—Self-explanatory.)

Know your squirrel hunting season. For example, in most of New York State the hunting season for gray, black and fox squirrels starts September 1 and continues through February, with a bag limit of six. That’s six daily. RED SQUIRRELS CAN BE HUNTED YEAR ROUND WITHOUT LIMITS.

 

squirrelhuntingseasonny

Squirrel Recipes. <—These are from the Missouri Department of Conservation, but there are many, many others. Squirrel is one of the most ethical meats one can consume, and apparently pretty tasty too. Hey, don’t knock it until you try it.

Repurpose “Squirrel Appreciation Day.” This really needs to be a day of awareness, action, education and enlistment in the battle. Purely coincidentally (I swear!), on the morning of January 21 before I was alerted to this official day for, you know, celebrating our sworn enemies, I asked my local meats purveyor whether his shop ever had any squirrel on offer. He said yes, by special order only, 2 days in advance. I have marked my calendar for January 19, 2017 to put in my order, so on the 21st I will definitely be “appreciating” some squirrels.

braisedsquirrel

Braised squirrel with bacon, mushrooms and Pinot Noir.
(image: Johnny Miller via Field and Stream)

IMPORTANT REMINDER: cook your squirrels thoroughly to make sure you KILL ALL OF THE FUCKING PLAGUE BACTERIA.

It’s time to wake up, people. Forget the War on Terror. And we definitely do not need a War on Drugs. What we need is a war on squirrels. These demon spawn pose perhaps the greatest threat human civilization has ever faced.

#deathtosquirrels

[a version of this post first appeared at perry street palace; it has been edited and updated for FtB]

URGENT: Signal boosting.

[CONTENT NOTE: descriptions of anti-gay violence and horrific injuries; no graphic images here, but there are at the Washington Post and Go Fund Me links.]

Via my brilliant, brave and amazing friend Niki (who has a fantastic new blog at The Orbit that you should definitely check out) comes a story so fucking sad and enraging I am having tremendous difficulty writing about it. I’m shaking while I type. Also, my screen looks very blurry—there must be a lot of dust up in here.

A month ago, [Marquez] Tolbert, 21, and his boyfriend Anthony Gooden Jr., 23, were jolted out of sleep by the feeling of boiling water splashing across their torsos, faces and limbs. Gooden’s mother’s boyfriend, Martin Blackwell, stood over them, pouring the water, they say.

For a moment, Tolbert had no idea what could have provoked the alleged attack. Then Blackwell allegedly yanked him off the mattress and yelled, “Get out of my house with all that gay,” Tolbert recalled to WSBTV.

It was not Blackwell’s apartment. He didn’t even live there.

[Read more…]

About those squirrels, Part 2: depravity and terrorism.

[CONTENT NOTE: squirrels committing suicide.]

In Part 1, we learned about the squirrels’ biological warfare program, a sophisticated and deadly operation that would have been the envy of Saddam Hussein himself.

Today we will explore other squirrel tactics in their escalating war against human civilization: wanton acts of lawless depravity, and outright terrorism aimed at civilian infrastructure.

[Read more…]

About those squirrels, Part 1: biological warfare.

nosquirrels

It all started for me last summer, with some VERY disturbing news coming out of California. No, not the devastating droughts and unprecedented wildfires, or the L.A.P.D. getting cartoonist Ted Rall fired from the Los Angeles Times by dropping an audio tape that of course turned out to be doctored bullshit. I refer, of course, to the squirrels.

You see, part of Yosemite National Park had been closed by health officials because, it seems, a second tourist there contracted the plague. The plague! As in, you know, the Black Death? That little pandemic that killed an estimated 30–60% of Europe’s total population in the fourteenth century? YES THAT PLAGUE.

And guess how it’s being spread. Go ahead, guess.

By fucking squirrels.

Squirrels are a fucking menace.

You might expect that since I live in downtown Manhattan, if I were to seriously hate on a fellow species–and let’s face it, all species are fellow species—it would probably be pigeons or something. Rats. Maybe cockroaches, which, as far as I’m concerned, ought to be the official symbol of New York City based on their sheer impudence and tenacity alone. Or perhaps those giant waterbugs everyone thinks New Yorkers are totally exaggerating about until they actually see one, and realize that some insects never got the memo that the Permian era ended hundreds of millions of years ago.

NOPE. I have come to loathe and detest no species on Earth so much as those members of the Order Rodentia, Suborder Sciuromorpha, Family Sciuridae. Well, besides H. sapiens, but that should go without saying. (See: virtually every post on my blog.)

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. But Iris! Squirrels are soooo cyoooot! How could you harbor such ill will towards our adorable little bushy-tailed cousins?

Okay first of all, you are woefully uninformed about the true nature and utter depravity of these beasts, an unfortunate and increasingly urgent state of affairs I intend to remedy shortly, and at length. (Wait, what?) Second, “ill will” does not even begin to cover it.

The squirrel-plague nexus.

yersinia_pestis_fluorescent

Yersinia pestis bacteria. THE FUCKING PLAGUE, people. (image: public domain)

In the wild, the plague bacteria Yersinia pestis circulates via flea bites among animal populations, particularly rodents—and squirrels are fucking rodents. Humans, such as our Yosemite tourists, become infected when bitten by a flea that has bitten a plague-ridden rodent. (Like, oh, say…a squirrel.) But that’s not the only disease vector. Once infected, humans can spread the plague among themselves by coughing or sneezing, contact (including sexual contact) with an infected person, indirect contact like touching a contaminated surface, breathing air under certain conditions where the plague bacteria can remain airborne, and the most disgusting transmission route of all, “fecal-oral,” from ingesting food or water contaminated with the diseased shit—literally, the actual shit—of the plague-infected. Think: Ebola. But with squirrels.

Take a look at how fast the plague spread in the fourteenth century—and consider that back then, exposure to infected populations would have happened much more slowly than in the age of widespread air travel and crowded trains.

blackdeathspread

Black Death strikes Europe: 1347-1353
(image: public domain)

Now it is true that these days the plague is generally treatable with antibiotics, which did not exist during the Black Death pandemic because Jeezus “forgot” to tell us about them. However, the plague can still be fatal if left untreated for whatever reason, including misdiagnosis, or lack of access to quality health care in this truly exceptional country. Just think about that the next time you have “fever, chills, nausea, weakness and swollen lymph nodes,” and your doctor tells you to just go home, get some rest and drink lots of fluids. By the way, do you think the United States has a stash of antibiotics for 323,000,000+ people? And what happens if (when?) an adaptive mutation leaves Yersinia pestis impervious to antibiotics?

Anyway. It turns out the two recent cases of squirrel-plague in Yosemite tourists are by no means isolated incidents, either. In fact:

Since 1970, 40 cases of plague have been reported in California, and nine people have died from the disease.

OMFG. I had no idea.

__________

In Part 2, we will see that squirrels have been organizing and escalating their attacks, performing wanton acts of lawless depravity, engaging in what can only be described as terrorism, and otherwise being real fucking douches.

[a version of this post first appeared at perry street palace; it has been lightly edited and updated for FtB]