Jeezus: domestic abuser at high risk to commit homicide.

[CONTENT NOTE: intimate partner violence and murder, suicide, abuse, harassment, rape.]

As readers surely recall, I am exceedingly proud of my half-assed, poorly-executed, highly irregular attempts to extract $82 billion worth of amusement every year from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of atheist U.S. taxpayers, on account of our government’s unconscionable $82 billion in annual taxpayer subsidies to the R-I-C. I humbly perform this service by mocking a particular church sign in the small town in Northern Maryland where my mother lives. Which, admittedly, I was already going to do anyway for my own amusement. It seems I can’t help myself.

Unfortunately this week’s sign offers scant opportunity for amusement: it simply informs us (yet again) that this Jeezus character is a creepy motherfucker who no decent person should ever wish to emulate. So instead of a good old-fashioned mocking, consider this installment an important public service announcement. [Read more…]

I must confess…I am immortal!

PZ has confronted me with utterly damning evidence that I have been an anti-squirrel crusader since at least 1918.

deathtothesquirrelmenace

It’s all true! I am an ancient and ageless creature, whose ritual drinking of squirrel blood has kept me virtually immortal for so many millennia I have lost count. And yes, I’ve created and maintained relentless anti-squirrel propaganda campaigns throughout history whenever and wherever I can—including right here at Freethought Blogs—lest the nasty little beasties end up on some “protected species” list or something and I lose access to the elixir I desperately require. (Obviously, I cannot rely on the black market or worse, the dark web.)

But as readers have seen here for themselves, no matter how much terrorism, violence and wanton destruction the Sciuridae routinely leave in their wake, it is practically impossible to get humans to buy into the fact that they are not just adorable and harmless little rodents.

Which is why, as a stopgap measure, I’ve got a side project going: I refer, of course, to the tardigrades. [Read more…]

Thoughts on yesterday.

[CONTENT NOTE: homelessness, including image of a homeless person.]

It’s a dreary, snowy day in NYC. Not the fun kind of snow that hushes the city in a thick blanket of otherworldly white (and, ideally, melts overnight without a trace). This is a dismal snow, dark flurries of tiny wet flakes that liquefy upon reaching the ground.

But! Yesterday was glorious. It’s days like these that seem to electrify the city (or maybe the city-dwellers?), demanding to be witnessed in all of their vivid splendor and grotesquery. I had appointments and errands on my morning schedule, followed by a late lunch with a dear friend visiting from out of town. This is what I saw. [Read more…]

Happy birthday PZ!

happybirthdaypz

It is once again the time to mark the joyous occasion of The Great Tentacled One’s completion of another orbit around our sun. Longtime readers of mine may recall that in February of 2011, PZ Myers published my little screed In Defense of Mockery on Pharyngula. At the time I was a fledgling blogger, and hardly knew whether I might be any good at this writing stuff. That boost of confidence—and the readers I gained that day—meant the world to me then, and now. By 2013 when PZ posted Casualties of War, I had come a long way in a short time, thanks in no small part to his generosity and encouragement. But this past year? He brought some serious next-level shit, man: he invited me to write for Freethought Blogs (!!!). For all of this and more, PZ has my undying affection and appreciation.

Today I will be celebrating the good professor by imbibing squid ink cocktails and copious amounts of calamari.

Happy birthday, my friend.

Long may we mock.

squidinkcocktail

Barchetta’s Spezia cocktail.
vodka, caper brine and squid ink, whole caperberry garnish

__________

Now normally on these sacred occasions, I’d post some of PZ’s more trenchant blurbs, culled from his writings over the previous year. Just a sentence or two that strike me, like this one (perhaps my all time favorite):

[I]magine the culture we would live in now if, instead of a dead corpse on an instrument of torture, our signifier was a child staring in wonder at the stars. –PZ Myers

But in the past year the world has changed. For example, US government policy is now dictated by a madman via 140 character tweets in the middle of the night (Eastern Standard Time). So in keeping with the zeitgeist, please enjoy these pithy bon mots from the master:

Fuck you, Grandma. –PZ Myers

I could be quite happy with an octopus arm transplant. –PZ Myers

Stop me before I #ChristianMingle. –PZ Myers

So fuck the police. –PZ Myers

I’ll smack hope a few more times with a ball peen hammer and see if I can’t get it under control. –PZ Myers

OK, motherfucker, then do it. –PZ Myers

Stoned fish are so much more cooperative. –PZ Myers

I’ve made it on to the list! I feel so appreciated. –PZ Myers

Hate is a strong word, but not strong enough for my feelings.-PZ Myers

Go fuck yourself. –PZ Myers

Hear, hear!

Godwinning for the good.

In case you missed it: a few weeks ago revolutionary badass Sunsara Taylor of RefuseFascism.org, with whom PZ and I are acquainted, appeared on the odious Tucker Carlson’s show on Fox. Because Carlson is an ass-cactus of the first order, he constantly interrupted her, spoke over her and eventually cut her feed. Nevertheless, when the smarmy blowhard shut his lie-hole for a moment and she managed to get a few words in, she stated the rather obvious fact that the fascist Trump/Pence regime is more dangerous than Hitler’s. On account of, you know, having nuclear weapons and an apparent enthusiasm for using them (among other things).

According to Taylor: [Read more…]

Interesting budget priorities.

The ‘defense’ budget is three quarters of a trillion dollars. Profits went up last year well over 25%. I guarantee you: when war becomes that profitable, we’re going to see more of it.
Chalmers Johnson

In one of those “news” alerts I tend to ignore these days for the sake of my sanity, I learned that some doucheweasel presently occupying the office of President of the United States is proposing a 10 percent rise in defense spending, accompanied by massive cuts to other federal agencies.

Ahem. [Read more…]

Superb Owl Sunday!

People, I am proud to announce that all of our hard work, consciousness-raising and tireless activism with respect to the squirrel menace is finally beginning to pay off: today is a national holiday dedicated to superb owls!

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Of course, as all of us here at Death to Squirrels Central are well aware, all owls are superb, because they eat squirrels. And if the unprecedented checkout line at my grocery store is any indication, this owl festival is a gigantic cultural phenomenon.

imageMy neighbors obviously grok the Sciuridae problem.

It seems (from what I can gather by surreptitiously snooping in everyone’s grocery baskets) that this “Superb Owl Sunday” is customarily celebrated by ravenous feasting on a variety of unhealthy snack foods and the excessive intake of crappy domestic beer. I don’t understand the exact connection to owls, and it certainly wouldn’t be my preference (I’d at least recommend flights of beer—get it? get it?), but hey, nobody asked me. Regardless, it is nothing short of a miracle that the owls are finally getting the reverence they are due for their tireless assistance with eradicating the enemy beasties.

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We still have much to do of course. But I think we can all agree that today we deserve a little pat on the back. Take a moment to reflect on what we have accomplished together in a such short amount of time. GOOD WORK, EVERYBODY.

#deathtosquirrels