Virginia couple sued for $90k after bloody squirrel attack.


People, I just don’t know how I can break through with this very simple message:

DO NOT FEED THE FUCKING SQUIRRELS.

Maybe Daniel Felice’s lawsuit, especially if successful, will go a long way toward waking people up to the danger of the squirrel menace and the humans who support and enable it.

via The Virginia-Pilot:

“We never had a pet squirrel”: Contractor sues Chesapeake couple for $90K over squirrel attack

Daniel Felice was doing contract work in the suburbs this summer when – according to a lawsuit – a squirrel attacked him.

It bit and scratched. Left him “profusely bleeding.”

:O

When the animal eventually jumped off, it darted into a house with young children inside.

!

So Felice went in to chase the squirrel out.

!!!

Then the animal ran to a neighbor’s property, where, the lawsuit says, a couple was keeping the squirrel as a pet.

NOOOOOOOOO!

Felice has since sued the couple – Deborah and Paul Desjardin – seeking $90,000 in damages for injuries he says were caused by their “pet squirrel.”

But reached by phone recently, Paul Desjardin said they never kept the squirrel as a pet.

Desjardin said the squirrel lived outside in their Great Bridge neighborhood, but it never lived indoors with them. They fed the squirrel a “little bit,” and it became friendly, but Desjardin said they only saw the squirrel every couple of days and it “never was controlled by us.”

That’s because you cannot control squirrels, you fucking assholes. They are wild animals with their own sinister agenda—as readers of this blog are only too well aware.

The lawsuit claims the Desjardins’ dog brought the squirrel to their door this spring, and that Deborah Desjardin adopted the animal, fed it and provided medical care.

Christ. Even their dog is an asshole.

The squirrel began to peck her lips as if “giving her a kiss,” and the couple encouraged the animal to approach humans, the suit alleges.

$%#@*+! I hope she gets the plague.

On July 11, the squirrel attacked a child standing outside her home, according to the suit. Deborah Desjardin apologized to the girl’s parents and said she would “wring his neck” for the incident, the suit says.

I can’t even with this. It mauled a little girl ferchrissakes, and she’s probably traumatized for life. But not to worry! Deborah Desjardin will be ‘splaining to her naughty little rodent what’s what!

The squirrel attacked Felice three days later, according to the suit. It bit and scratched his leg and hand.

Guess that ‘spainin didn’t work out so well, did it Deborah? What’s next, a time out? More seriously, the minimization of harm here is simply irresponsible journalism. My cat has bitten and scratched my leg and hand, and yet somehow this did not leave me “profusely bleeding.” Or bleeding at all, really. This description makes the attack sound like a petty nuisance, instead of the terrifying and violent ordeal it actually is.

After the squirrel violently assaulted Mr. Felice, squirrel-kisser Deborah Desjardin was charged with misdemeanor unlawful possession of wildlife. But a judge dismissed the criminal charges. “We’ve already proven the fact that this wasn’t our squirrel,” [Paul] Desjardin said. “It’s not a pet.”

Of course it’s not a pet: it’s an enemy combatant. But that didn’t stop these epic doucheweasels from treating it like one, and once again we see the tragic results. The only way—the only way—to stop a squirrel that’s become unafraid of humans from attacking again is to kill it.

Which means that even if you’re a disgusting traitor to your own species and you just loooooove squirrels:

DO NOT FEED THE FUCKING SQUIRRELS.

____________

Oh and guess what I got as stocking stuffers, to go with my shiny new Red Rider BB gun? Squirrel targets.

squirreltargetAnd a sling shot.

slingshot

I urge everyone to add these critical items to your survival kits immediately. Especially if you live among assholes who feed squirrels.

Comments

  1. says

    Have you seen the squirrel launcher video on youtube? I admit I almost feel bad for the squirrel…

    Christ. Even their dog is an asshole.

    I laughed out loud at that. What kind of dog brings in a squirrel un-nommed? My little wootchies used to swallow them whole (which was a different problem all together)

  2. says

    “My cat has bitten and scratched my leg and hand, and yet somehow this did not leave me “profusely bleeding.” Or bleeding at all, really.”

    Eh, YMMV — I have several cat-related scars…

  3. says

    Marcus: Yeah, I’ve seen the video. I don’t like the idea of terrorizing the fuckers. Perhaps I should change my hashtag to #quickandpainlessdeathtosquirrels.

    Your little wootchies sound badass.

  4. chigau (ever-elliptical) says

    Iris
    I did some googling about sling-shots.
    Wear safety goggles when you use it, OK?

  5. says

    I don’t feed the squirrels, they help themselves. I will say they all seem to understand one thing very well: run like hell when they see me.

  6. says

    chigau: no worries—a pair of safety goggles came with my BB gun. :D

    Caine: WHAT ARE THESE MYSTICAL SQUIRREL- REPELLENT PROPERTIES YOU POSSESS. I swear the fuckers are actually attracted to me like I’m some goddamn Disney princess in the woods about to break into song. I have, however, just acquired the entire set of my squirrel skull jewelry ; I intend to wear the pieces as talismans and see if an image of the remains of one of their cousins hanging on a chain around my neck doesn’t drive them away in terror.

  7. says

    I squirt them with vinegar when they are eating up all the birdseed. They don’t like me. Have you considered a supersoaker?

  8. Raucous Indignation says

    I feed squirrels. I feed them to my cats. Or more accurately, the cats feed the squirrels to themselves. Most squirrels are too big for my wee kitty, The Wild Beast of the Forest, to bring down. But she gets one occasionally. More frequently, it’s the mice and field rats. And chipmunks too, but they are from family Sciuridae, i.e. close relatives to squirrels. I don’t feel bad about them. The chipmunks are probably working in collusion with their relatives.

  9. says

    Caine:

    Have you considered a supersoaker?

    Excellent suggestion. But I hope my new BB gun offers a more permanent and satisfying solution.

    Raucous Indignation: What a good kitty!

    chigau: yep, squirrels are excellent swimmers. Maybe this is where the sharks with laser beams strapped to their heads can help.

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