On telling them what you want

Content Notice for detailed accounts of sexual unpleasantry and mentions of sexual assault. For the sake of this post, “men” are “people categorized as straight men by society” and “us” are “people not seen as men by society.”

An ex of mine, who is otherwise a decent person, didn’t believe me when I told him that I didn’t want flowers. How absurd! All women want flowers, even the ones who say they don’t. Here, have the flowers that you want. And I had to stop protesting and accept the flowers because who complains about getting flowers? When he asked, I told him I dried and kept them for posterity, because I figured out that he would only hear what he wanted to hear. Years later, a man told me he didn’t understand why Jessica Jones was “such a bitch” about Killgrave doing something nice for her, like acquiring her childhood home and refurbishing it for her.

The sexual context is no different when it comes to men demanding we not only not ask for what we want, but also gratefully accept what they want to give us.

When we talk about what happens when we get into bed with men, no matter how jokingly or seriously, we get told to “just tell them”. Orgasm gap? What orgasm gap? Just tell them! Put on your “big girl panties” and ask for what you want! Walk away with your middle fingers raised in the air if they don’t do what you want! Communicate!

Yet communicating my wants has never been my issue. I spoke, and spoke, and spoke, through my many pants-less encounters with men. How much I spoke didn’t matter when the only one listening was me.

Continue reading “On telling them what you want”

On telling them what you want
{advertisement}

When penguins waddle onto thin ice

Content Notice: Discussions of cisheterosexual norms, sexual activity, and consent

There’s often a tension between reality and principles that is difficult to articulate except in context.

My ethical values include upholding consent in every way, shape, and form. That includes engaging in sexual activity without as few assumptions as possible regarding what the other person wants. And yet today, I found myself more concerned with the sexual imbalance and disparity targeted by a statement than that statement’s less-than-consensual implications.

Continue reading “When penguins waddle onto thin ice”

When penguins waddle onto thin ice

What Eschewing Online Dating Says About You

It has always been fashionable to say that online interaction is inferior for any number of reasons and to urge those of us who prefer the Internet for whatever reason to “just go outside”. Nowhere is this more true than in the area of dating. Think-pieces upon think-pieces extol the virtues of meeting people in a more “real” setting than the virtual ones available in this year of their Lord 2016 (notice the distinct lack of studies upon studies).

Online dating gets blamed for hookup culture, disposability culture, sexism, standards dubbed “unrealistic”, the death of romance, and, bizarrely, the end of dating (all of which predate the Internet, which merely expose them out in the open). Declarations of being done with dating sites have become common. This all leaves my over-a-decade OkCupid veteran self at a loss. While I see nothing wrong with saying no to a tool that doesn’t work for you, to me, saying that you refuse to put up an online dating site often if not quite always means that there is something going on that doesn’t apply to those of us who find dating sites to be useful tools. Continue reading “What Eschewing Online Dating Says About You”

What Eschewing Online Dating Says About You

Search Term Round-Up #5: Polyamory & Kink

Content Notice for What It Says on the Tin. NSFW.

Inspired in no small part by the grand tradition of Captain Awkward, and written back in August 2015, when I was still at Freethought Blogs.

Other Round Ups:

Continue reading “Search Term Round-Up #5: Polyamory & Kink”

Search Term Round-Up #5: Polyamory & Kink

Penis Myths: Beyond the Long & Short of It

Extensive discussion of genitalia and sexual activity below, including brief mentions of non-consensual activity. I’ve made my best effort to stay away from gender essentialist and cissexist language, but if I’ve failed, please feel free to let me know. In that same spirit, please try to refrain from equating gender and genitalia in the comments. Additionally, this is written from an allosexual point of view and, very likely, a pansexual bias. My thanks to the friends who responded to the original version of this post on Facebook for helping me to refine and process my thoughts.

sausage photo

Myths about penises are the wurst.

I would apologize for the bad, bad pun, but an apology implies regret as well as a desire to refrain from the action in future, and I am claiming no such thing. I want in on this action.

That’s three puns/plays on words so far, how many more will you catch?
Continue reading “Penis Myths: Beyond the Long & Short of It”

Penis Myths: Beyond the Long & Short of It

Are There Good & Bad Reasons for Non-Monogamy?

Fairly standard in Polyamory 101-type guides is some sort of discussion about what reasons make for a good or a bad start to a non-monogamous relationship style. Such lists, written by experienced non-monogamists, often seem prudent to peruse, each item apparently self-evident in its validity.

Who could disagree that reluctantly engaging in multiple relationships because your partner wanted to when you weren’t really feeling it is a bad thing? After all, people should not do things they don’t want to do.

Who doesn’t agree with the idea that having an open relationship because your partner cannot fulfill all of your needs is a good thing? It sounds so much better to add more partners than to replace the one you have, if you love that person.

The problem with this sort of reasoning is that it represents a One True Path style of thinking that is relatively ironic given the relationship paradigms that non-monogamous folks claim to reject.

Continue reading “Are There Good & Bad Reasons for Non-Monogamy?”

Are There Good & Bad Reasons for Non-Monogamy?

Against Making “Unwed Teen Dads” a Thing

Please note that I’ve attempted to stay away from cissexist language as much as possible in this post, but all my sources assume the terms “mother” and “father” refer to “person who gave birth” and “person who inseminated”, respectively. Also, this is very America-centric, because we’re #1 among developed nations as far as teen pregnancy rates go and that’s my context.

Sometimes, ideas that sound fabulous when circulating as Tumblr screenshots are not as great after taking into consideration certain points (image transcript of the text after the jump).

Thanks to Danny Strawn for finding this for me.
Thanks to Danny Strawn for finding this for me.

The opposition to misogyny in the form of slut-shaming is commendable. The call-out of the rank hypocrisy in attitudes towards sex and reproduction is excellent. Overall, it’s a thought-provoking post and makes an excellent rhetorical point.

Taken beyond a rhetorical point, however? The notion that we should make “teen dads” happen calls attention to exactly the wrong parts of the issue with teen pregnancy in the United States.

Continue reading “Against Making “Unwed Teen Dads” a Thing”

Against Making “Unwed Teen Dads” a Thing

Search Term Round-Up #4: Dating & Sex + Religion & Race, Oh My~

Content notice for racism and sex and racist sex and sexual violence.

Inspired in no small part by the grand tradition of Captain Awkward.

racial preference is racism / dating preferences racist / are preferences racist / race preference dating / is having a preference racist

TL;DR answer to all of these: Sometimes.
Slightly longer answer: Saying “I’m attracted to [members of a particular racial/ethnic group]” is a faux-complimentary way of saying “All [members of a particular racial/ethnic group] look alike to me.”
Much longer answer: What Is Racist About Race-Based Dating Preferences

i’ve been fantasizing a bout girls in hijabs

Welp.

Between weirdos on campus and at atheist meetups, I have a lot of personal not-good feelings about men who profess veil fetishes. Continue reading “Search Term Round-Up #4: Dating & Sex + Religion & Race, Oh My~”

Search Term Round-Up #4: Dating & Sex + Religion & Race, Oh My~

Muddled Messaging on Consent: Arousal as Consent

Content Notice for Explicit Discussion of Sexual Assault, Rape, and Menstruation

Combating messages about consent signaled via media is important, since those are often the only messages people receive when they are forming their sexual identities as children and adolescents. Even the lesser problematic media around tends to not do so well. Take, for instance, the ex sex scene in the 2008 Apatow Frat Pack comedy Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

The movie, as a whole, was rather funny and cute and not horribly or especially problematic, especially for its genre. Despite that, it managed to include a rather dicey message on consent in that scene. Yes, it’s a silly movie. A comedy. Allegedly humorous. I laughed at several scenes all four times I saw it. And it’s still harmful bullshit. Continue reading “Muddled Messaging on Consent: Arousal as Consent”

Muddled Messaging on Consent: Arousal as Consent

Why I Don’t Care About Consent Education’s Effect on Rape Rates

Content Notice for Sexual Assault

As was recently brought up by Emily Nagoski on The Dirty Normal in response to that tea/consent analogy, among many other excellent points, there is no evidence that consent education actually prevents sexual violence. It may well be that consent education may not work to directly prevent rape.

It will be a while before we have the adequate numbers from enough studies to know whether or not this is true. Regardless of the outcome, I honestly think that doesn’t matter for one reason alone: Consent education isn’t for rapists in the first place. Continue reading “Why I Don’t Care About Consent Education’s Effect on Rape Rates”

Why I Don’t Care About Consent Education’s Effect on Rape Rates