New Fishnet Story: "Open Chords"

Fishnet logo
Fishnet has a new story up! The online erotic fiction magazine I’m editing, Fishnet, has a new story up for you to enjoy. It’s titled Open Chords, by Craig J. Sorensen, and here’s the teaser:

It’s in a dive of a bar that I find Johnny Tyger. What a stupid stage name. His ridiculously long and thick digits form chords in the most awkward ways. And yet, as I watch him play, I lose sight entirely of the vivid discussion, an emerging and innovative system for rating oral sex performances, that my girlfriends are engaged in.

To read more, read the rest of the story. (Not for anyone under 18.) Enjoy!

New Fishnet Story: "Open Chords"
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My Vision for a Sexual World

This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog.

Like a lot of sex-positive sex writers, I spend a lot of time ranting and venting about things in our sexual culture that I don’t like.

Today, I want to do something different. Instead of bitching about the sexual culture we have, I’d like to present my vision for the sexual culture I’d like to see.

And the best way I can say it is to put it in a metaphor.

I would like us to treat sexuality — and differences in sexualities — much the same way we treat music.

Wagner
We have a basic acceptance of the idea that different people like different kinds of music. We may strongly dislike the music other people like. We may even make some unfair personal judgments about the kind of person who likes, say, opera, or country, or rap music, or Barry Manilow. But as long as people aren’t forcing their music on us, we accept — even if grudgingly — their basic right to listen to whatever music they like.

I’d like to see us do the same with different sexual tastes. If people are personally grossed out by homosexuality, or SM, or furries, or whatever, I certainly would recognize their right to their gross-out. I just want people to see their gross-outs as an aesthetic judgment and not a moral one.

OakPoBoy072ndLinePinstripeA
We understand that some people don’t care about music very much… and that some people care about it a great deal. We understand that some people care about music so much that they make it a central aspect of their lives: collecting music, reading about music, writing about music, playing music, watching musical performances, seeing music as a central source of inspiration and consolation in their lives, forming friendships and relationships with other people that are focused on music… even, perhaps, making a living at it. And we understand that for some people, music is just not that big a deal: they enjoy it, but they don’t go out of their way to make a big place for it in their lives.

I’d like to see us have the same understanding about sex. I’d like to see us treat people who like sex a lot and are very interested in it as… well, as people who like sex a lot and are very interested in it. Not as moral degenerates, not as selfish indulgers of our own petty whims, not as dangerous or pathetic addicts unable to control our base impulses… but as people whose interest in this basic human activity happens to be greater than average. (And for all of us sex fiends: I’d like to see us have a similar understanding about people who aren’t as interested in sex as we are.)

Low
We understand that people’s tastes in music change over time. We don’t expect people to like the same music they did when they were in high school or college; and while many people do stay mostly interested in the music of their youth, we understand that many other people continue to explore different kinds of music throughout their lives, and may even find their preferences changing entirely over time. And we understand that some people like a wide variety of musical styles… while other people’s tastes tend to stay within one genre.

I’d like to see us have the same understanding about sex. I’d like to see us recognize and accept that people’s desires, even our basic orientations, can change over time, and understand that not everyone stays slotted in the same sexual category for their entire lives. When gay or lesbian people decide they’re bi; when bi people decide they’re really more straight or gay; when vanilla folks decide they’d like to try spanking; when committed polyamorists decide they want to be monogamous for a while… I’d like us to recognize it as the natural changes people go through in life. (If it affects us personally — if it’s our lover or spouse who suddenly announces that they’re into men or spanking or monogamy — of course our reactions are going to be different. But if it doesn’t, I’d like us to see it as interesting, but also as basically none of our business.)

SinatraSwingingLovers
In relationships, we often see music as one of the main bonds between us. When we get involved with someone new, we get excited about sharing the music we know about with our new loved one, and about discovering the music they like that we don’t know about. We sometimes have conflicts with our honeys over differences in musical tastes, especially early in a relationship; but we talk about it, joke about it, rib each other about it, find ways to enjoy our differences as well as our common ground. And as our relationships grow, we often explore new music together.

I’d like us to see sex the same way. I’d like for sex to be something couples can comfortably talk about, and laugh about. I’d like for couples to be as curious about their sexual differences as they are comfortable with their sexual similarities… not just early on in relationships, but as things grow and change. I’d like for couples to see sex as something that matters, something that’s worth working on. And if a couple has differences in what kinds of sex they like, or how much they even care about sex, I’d like for their friends and support systems and society in general to see both partners’ tastes and desires as equally valid and important.

And finally:

Musicophilia
We understand — or at least, we’re beginning to understand — that music is a basic human activity, maybe even a basic human need. We understand that music exists in all human societies, and has existed in human society for tens of thousands of years. We understand — or we’re beginning to understand — that music is a fundamental part of how our brains and our minds operate. We see music as an activity that is both necessary and joyful, a vital social bond, something that connects us to our history and projects us into our future.

I’d like us to see sex the same way. I’d like us to see sex as something that we couldn’t possibly get rid of, and wouldn’t want to get rid of even if we could. I’d like us to recognize that sex is one of the most fundamental ways that our minds are wired, one of the chief lenses through which we view the world… and not only recognize this fact, but accept it, and even celebrate it. I’d like us to see sex as one of the great joys, inspirations, consolations, forms of communication, forms of connection, and just pure forms of entertainment that the human race has. I’d like us to remember that sex is a link that connects us to the chain of human history: the way we got into this world, and — for many of us, anyway — one of the chief ways that part of us of will live on after we die.

And I’d like us to give it some gol-darned respect.

I understand that this analogy isn’t perfect. (No analogy is. That’s sort of the nature of analogies: they compare things that are different.) Most notably, sex has more potential than music to cause harm: from sexually transmitted infections to unwanted pregnancies, from jealous rages to broken hearts. Except for deafness, irritated neighbors, advertising jingles, and neo-Nazi death metal or the like, music just doesn’t have the same power to fuck people up. And sex is a more primal desire than music: way more prominently positioned in our brains by evolution, and a whole lot older to boot. It’s probably always going to be more charged, more emotionally loaded, than music will ever be.

So it’s not a perfect analogy.

But it’s a start.

My Vision for a Sexual World

The "Inappropriate Disclosure Song" Game, and Continued Blog Break

My health problems are mostly cleared up — thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts! But now I’m going out of town to visit friends for the holiday weekend. I’ll try to blog when I’m away, but I can’t promise anything: this blasted blog break may have to go on a couple/few more days. (Driving me up a tree, I tell you. I hate not blogging.)

So in the meantime, let’s play a game! There’s a trope in popular songs that’s been tickling me recently, and I’m trying to come up with more examples of it. It’s the “Inappropriate Disclosure to Service or Retail Personnel” trope, in which the singer of the song tells the sad/ hopeful story of his or her love life to postal carriers, airline ticketing agents, telephone operators, and other government or commercial representatives who almost certainly care not about the singer’s love life, even in the slightest amount.

Postman
The quintessential example may be Please Mr. Postman, originally by The Marvelettes, covered by The Carpenters, The Beatles, and probably everyone else on Loki’s green earth, including Captain Beefheart and Snoop Dogg:

Please Mister Postman, look and see
(Oh yeah)
If there’s a letter in your bag for me
(Please, Please Mister Postman)
Why’s it takin’ such a long time
(Oh yeah)
For me to hear from that boy of mine

There must be some word today
From my boyfriend so far away
Pleas Mister Postman, look and see
If there’s a letter, a letter for me

I’ve been standin’ here waitin’ Mister Postman
So patiently
For just a card, or just a letter
Sayin’ he’s returnin’ home to me

Adding to the entertaining inappropriateness of the disclosure, we have the bonus inappropriateness of blaming the service personnel for the emotional distress (“So many days you passed me by/ See the tears standin’ in my eyes/ You didn’t stop to make me feel better/ By leavin’ me a card or a letter”). Giving the song, from the postal carrier’s viewpoint, that extra piquant touch of annoyance.

Check_in
Then we have The Letter, originally by the Box Tops, covered by Joe Cocker:

Gimme a ticket for an aeroplane,
Ain’t got time to take a fast train.
Lonely days are gone, I’m a-goin’ home,
‘Cause my baby just a-wrote me a letter.

Well, she wrote me a letter
Said she couldn’t live without me no mo’.
Listen mister can’t you see I got to get back
To my baby once a-mo’–anyway…

Dude: The agent at the airline ticket counter doesn’t care why you want the ticket. They just need to know what city you’re going to, and if you have any baggage to check, and if any people unknown to you have given you items to carry.

Prison-bus
I can’t go on about this trope without mentioning Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree

Bus driver, please look for me
‘Cause I couldn’t bear to see what I might see
I’m really still in prison, and my love she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon’s what I need to set me free
I wrote and told her please:

— in which the singer seeks a sympathetic ear from, of all people, the prison bus driver.

Lily tomlin ernestine
And when I mentioned this trope to Ingrid, she immediately came up with one of the very best: Operator (That’s Not the Way It Feels), by Jim Croce:

Operator, oh could you help me place this call
You see the number on the matchbook is old and faded
She’s livin’ in L.A.
With my best old ex-friend Ray
A guy she said she knew well and sometimes hated

Isn’t that the way they say it goes
But let’s forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it
So i can call just to tell them I’m fine and to show
I’ve overcome the blow
I’ve learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn’t real
But that’s not the way it feels

This one wins some sort of prize for “Highest Ratio of Inappropriate Disclosure to Actual Request for Service.” And Croce definitely gets bonus points for spending two verses and two choruses telling the operator all about his sad love life… and then changing his mind and deciding he doesn’t want to place the phone call after all.

So what other ones am I missing? I know I’m forgetting some important and obvious ones: I know, for instance, that there have got to be songs about inappropriate disclosure to train conductors and other railway personnel. Help me out, y’all!

BTW, I’m going to impose an arbitrary limit here, and rule out disclosures to bartenders. In theory because it could be argued that listening to people drone on about their love lives is an implicit part of a bartender’s job; but mostly for the practical reason that if we don’t rule out bartenders, we’ll be here all day. Let’s play!

The "Inappropriate Disclosure Song" Game, and Continued Blog Break

Against Nostalgia, or, I'm In Love with the Modern World: On Not Being a Crank, Part 2

Statler-and-waldorf-poster
I keep thinking about this question of how to get older without turning into a crank. And today, I want to talk about one of the methods I’ve long used in my attempts to avoid crankery. It’s a fairly simple one, at least in theory:

Listen to music that’s being made now.

My rule is this: I don’t let myself just listen to music that was recorded when I was in college and my early twenties (or earlier). I make a conscious effort to listen to at least some music that’s being made now, by musicians and bands who are still alive and still working. (And no, reunion tours don’t count.)

But for some reason, that can be a hard thing for people to do.

R.crumb_draws_the_blues
I was just reading the comic collection R. Crumb Draws the Blues. (Conflict of interest alert: it’s published by the company I work for.) In a couple of pieces, Crumb was waxing nostalgic about how great old folk and old blues and old jazz and old country music was — all well and good, I heartily support those sentiments. He was ranting about how music has become professionalized, something an audience listens to rather than something a culture engages in — again, sentiments I largely share. In fact, one of the big reasons I’m a folk nerd is how strongly I feel about people making their own music and other art as a way of resisting homogenized corporate culture.

But he was also ranting about how universally horrible modern music was. And that, I have no truck with. I love R. Crumb, I like this book, and I certainly respect the guy’s cred on the topic of old- time music. But I think he completely missed the boat here.

And I want to talk about what that boat is, and why it’s important.

The Crumb piece reminded me of a comment Dave Barry once made. I forget now what the piece was about… but the comment was something along the lines of (I’m paraphrasing here), “Music made in the ’70s is all crap. The music I listened to in the ’60s… now, that was great music. But ’70s music, it’s just this bland, banal junk.”

Clash cover
And I was gobsmacked by how ignorant and out- of- touch this was. Yes, the ’70s were the decade of Bread and America and Hall & Oates. But some amazing music was made in the ’70s. I mean, the ’70s was when punk happened. The Clash, the Boomtown Rats, Siouxsie and the Banshees, the Stranglers… all ’70s bands. And not just punk. David Bowie, Neil Young, Talking Heads… ’70s. Some of these folks got their start in the ’60s, and some had careers that extended into the ’80s… but they were making some of their best music right in the heart of the supposedly banal ’70s.

And some seriously crap music was being made in the ’60s. Sure, you can wax nostalgic about the brilliant cutting- edge music made in 1967. You wanna know what the Number One hit song of 1967 was? “To Sir With Love.”

Which brings me to my first major point. I think there are two things that make it easy to think everything was better in the good old days. There’s Sturgeon’s Law — and there’s the filtering process of time.

Sturgeon’s Law states, quite simply, that 90% of everything is crap. Romantic comedies, symphonies, science fiction novels, porn videos, dress designs, epic poems, comic books, popular music… 90% of all of it is crap.

Pride and prejudice
But time has a tendency to filter out the crap. We don’t listen to the mediocre 18th century operas; we don’t read the mediocre 19th century novels; we don’t watch the mediocre silent movies. We listen to Mozart, read Jane Austen, watch Buster Keaton. We listen to Janis Joplin and The Who. “To Sir With Love”? Not so much.

It’s not a perfect filtering process. Some good stuff gets filtered out; some mediocre crap gets through the screen. But on the whole, we let the crap get swallowed into the maw of history, and hang onto the good stuff. Which makes it very, very easy to mistakenly think that the operas and novels and movies and popular songs of the old days were so much better than any of the crap they’re making today.

And we tend to hang on to the good stuff in our memories as well. If we have fond memories of our youths or our college days or whatever, we tend to remember the good music and so on from those days… and conveniently forget how much dreck was around back then. And since it takes a certain amount of effort, and you need to sort through a fair amount of dreck, to find good music or whatever being made now, it’s way too easy to just keep listening to the stuff that we know is good and that we know we like.

Which brings me to my next point.

I jonathan
There’s a Jonathan Richman song, “Summer Feeling,” that captures almost perfectly what I’m getting at. The song is about the giddy, exuberant, irresponsible- in- the- best- sense- of- the- word freedom of youth: childhood, or college, or whatever youth you had that you loved. And it’s about how important it is to hang on to some of that feeling and to re-create it here and now… and how poisonous and sad it is to just let yourself be haunted by memories and lost opportunities. (For the usually chipper Jonathan Richman, the song is kind of a downer.)

And there’s a verse that goes like this:

When even fourth grade starts looking good
Which you hated
And first grade’s looking good too
Overrated
And you boys long for some little girl that you dated
Do you long for her or for the way you were?

Do you long for her, or for the way you were?

Do you long for the music… or do you long for who you were when you were first listening to the music?

And when you long for that feeling, do you try to find something happening here and now that makes you feel that way? Or do you just listen to the music that used to make you feel that way?

Which brings me — somewhat harshly, I’ll admit — to my real point.

I think nostalgia is the easy way out.

Big book of nostalgia
I think it’s way too easy to just reflexively say, “Music/ life/ whatever was so much better back in the old days… but those days can never be recaptured, they’re gone for good. So instead of trying to find music or movies or whatever stuff is good now, I’m just going to keep listening to stuff from the old days that I know I like. And I’m going to gradually sink into old crankhood, and gripe about the world instead of taking part in it or trying to understand it.”

It’s a cop-out. It’s a way of evading responsibility for participating in your life, and in the world — here, and now. It’s an excuse for avoiding the risks and the emotional rollercoaster of engaging with the world around you. It’s an excuse for sitting on the sidelines and watching the world go by. This modern world sucks — so why bother?

Charles Burns Black Hole
Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here: This modern world does not suck. Like Jonathan Richman from another song, I’m in love with the modern world. I love literary graphic novels, and slow-core, and feminism, and the atheist blogosphere, and queer contra dancing, and readily available legal pornography, and organic produce delivered to my door, and same-sex marriage, and email, and “The Office,” and being openly bisexual without fear. Of course there are disappointments and horrors in the modern world. You don’t have to tell me that. Some are the same old disappointments and horrors we’ve had since the dawn of humanity; some are brand new to our time. But there are joys in the modern world as well: some are the same old joys we’ve had since the dawn of humanity, and some are brand new to our time.

And the modern world has one enormous advantage over the old days: It’s the world I live in. It’s the world I can take part in, now, today. The old days had their plusses and minuses (and of course I’ll enjoy their plusses if I can); the modern world has its plusses and minuses. But the modern world is a parade I can march in. Nothing beats that.

13th floor elevators
You know what? If what you truly love is old- time bluegrass or ’60s psychedelia? That’s cool. It might behoove you to check out some modern music anyway — there are contemporary musicians doing some interesting interpretations of bluegrass and psychedelia — but life is too short to listen to music that you hate. There are wonderful things from the past, and by all means, we should be enjoying them and preserving them and keeping them alive.

But we shouldn’t treat our aesthetic preferences as a moral imperative. We shouldn’t pretend that it’s a serious life philosophy to gripe about kids these days and their crazy fashions. We shouldn’t act as if shutting out the modern world somehow makes us discerning and superior.

And if we catch ourselves reflexively saying, “(X) was so much better in the old days, they just don’t make (X) like they used to,” I think it’s worth making an effort to remember all the generic, banal crap that was being cranked out in the old days… and to pay attention to the good stuff being made right now.

Low the great destroyer
P.S. Right now, my favorite band is Low, this gorgeous slow-core band with harmonies that send literal physical chills through my body. I’m also listening to Varttina, a band from Finland that marries eerie Eastern European folk harmonies with a peppy pop sensibility; and the Mountain Goats, a “guy with a guitar” project that’s somehow both lush and spare; and Nick Cave, who feeds my inner morbid brooder; and Joanna Newsom, with her profoundly strange voice that on first hearing sounds like a cat wailing and on second hearing sounds like an avant- garde angel; and Radiohead, who walk that beautiful thin line between accessible straight-up rock and edgy industrial unlistenability. Just for starters. What music being made today are you listening to, and what do you like about it? And on the larger question — what specific techniques have you developed for avoiding crankhood and staying in touch with the world as you get older?

Also in this series:
On Not Being a Crank

Against Nostalgia, or, I'm In Love with the Modern World: On Not Being a Crank, Part 2

Religion and Creepy Celebrities, or, The Tom Cruise Phenomenon

Disgust mask
Has anyone else had this happen to them?

There are certain actors and musicians and other celebrities — not many, but a handful — who, solely because of their religious beliefs and the way they choose to express them — I can no longer stand to watch.

And I’m not sure if I’m okay with that. I’m trying to parse out the difference between religious bigotry (which I have serious problems with), and being grossed out by someone’s ideas and opinions and general demeanor (which seems pretty reasonable). Then you add in the whole “should an artist’s personal beliefs affect your opinion of their art, and if so, how and to what degree” question… and the whole thing gets very complicated indeed.

Tom cruise scientology
The most obvious example of this, for me, is Tom Cruise. I used to like Tom Cruise a fair amount: my take on him was that he did a lot of dreck, but when he sunk his teeth into a decent script and got a director who didn’t give a shit about his boyish charm, he could do seriously good work. I found him compelling in “Eyes Wide Shut,” I thought he was the one genuinely interesting thing about “Rain Man” (a movie that I generally loathed), and his performance in “Magnolia” was nothing short of masterful. I knew he was a Scientologist, and I found that ooky…. but if you refuse to see any movies or TV or music made by Scientologists, you’d be pretty cut off from American popular culture. So I managed to not care about it all that much.

But ever since his fabled series of icky Scientological outbursts, I’ve been unable to look at his smug little face without feeling nauseous. If I’m flipping channels and come across “Jerry Maguire” or “Interview with the Vampire” — movies I used to like a fair amount — I now just keep on flipping. I have a moment of thinking, “Oh, yeah, I like that movie, I could watch that for a while”… and then I remember that Tom Cruise is in it, and I flinch, and I walk on by.

Passion-of-the-Christ
Another example is Mel Gibson. I never liked him as much as I liked Tom Cruise… but I’ve always cited the first “Lethal Weapon” movie in my list of “action movies with some genuine substance,” and I always remembered that he used to be a real actor, back in the days of “Gallipoli” and “The Year of Living Dangerously.” He pretty much had already lost me with the “open incitement to gay- bashing” that was “Braveheart,” not to mention his other examples of vile homophobia… but the grotesquery of “The Passion of the Christ,” and his drunken anti-Semitic rant, have made me unable to contemplate his visage without wanting to yak.

Expelled poster
And finally, before I move on: Ben Stein. Again, it’s not like I loved the guy. I knew, for instance, that he was a rabid anti-choice advocate, not to mention a speechwriter for Nixon, and any project he was at the center of (like that show “Win Ben Stein’s Money”), I would have no truck with it. But if he had a bit part in some movie, I could cope. Now, ever since he got involved in the “Expelled” fiasco, I can’t. I can’t even see his face without being viscerally repulsed. I’ve never seen “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” and now I think I probably never will.

And I’m trying to figure this out.

The thing is… it’s not really consistent. There are plenty of actors/ musicians/ other celebrities and artists with religious beliefs I find appalling or just silly, and I can enjoy their work with a minimum of retching. John Travolta, for instance. I know that he’s a big-time Scientologist. I don’t love this fact. But it doesn’t get in the way of my enjoying “Pulp Fiction” or “Primary Colors.” And I didn’t stop watching “The Simpsons” when I found out that Nancy Cartwright was a Scientologist.

So what’s the difference?

John travolta hairspray
For me, a lot of it is how hard-core the icky religious beliefs are. John Travolta, for instance, is a pretty high- profile Scientologist — he even made that stupid L. Ron Hubbard sci-fi movie — but he also apparently does that inconsistent compartmentalization thing that drives atheists nuts when we’re debating believers but that also makes peaceful co-existence possible. (Scientology has pretty strict strictures against homosexuality… and yet Travolta made “Hairspray.” And has insisted in interviews, despite all evidence to the contrary, that Scientology isn’t really homophobic. Which makes me want to smack him across the head and scream, “It is so!”… but given a choice between a believer who submerges their own moral compass and lets it be subsumed by their religion, and a believer who relies on their own functioning moral compass and tries half-assedly to contort their religion around it, I’ll take the latter any day.)

Nancy cartwright bart simpson
But a lot of the difference is how central someone’s icky religion is to their public persona. Nancy Cartwright, for instance, hasn’t become the central spokesmodel in a documentary about how criticism of Scientology is de facto bigoted censorship, the way Ben Stein did. She hasn’t produced a movie putting the vilest aspects of Scientology on gruesome display as if they were something to be proud of, the way Mel Gibson did. And when I’ve seen her do interviews, she doesn’t talk at length about Scientology and how it proves that psychiatry is a fraud. She talks about The Simpsons.

I’m not sure that’s fair, though. Is it really right to punish consistency and adherence to one’s ideals, and to reward fickleness and crass “I don’t want to piss off the public” pragmatism? This is a question I often face with religion, and I haven’t yet come to any resolution about it.

And my list of “flaws that make me retch irrevocably and that I can tolerate” is definitely not fair or rational. Why will icky religious opinions turn me off an artist now, in the same way that icky opinions about women or homosexuality have done for a long time? It’s probably nothing more than the fact that I’m thinking about religion more these days. And that’s not being consistent, either.

Low-The-Great-destroyer
Of course, part of this issue, as Ingrid points out, isn’t about how gross the religious beliefs are. It’s about how gross the people’s behavior is about those beliefs. It’s not just that the beliefs of Cruise and Gibson and Stein are repugnant; it’s that they’ve behaved so repugnantly about them, in ways that are dishonest and hateful and contemptuous of others. And that’s going to turn me against somebody, regardless of anything to do with religion. As an example in the other direction: Right now, pretty much my favorite band in the world is Low. The members of Low are Mormons. I have pretty strong negative feelings about the Mormon religion, both its tenets and its organization. And yet, I don’t transfer those negative feelings onto Low… because to the best of my knowledge, they aren’t jerks about their faith. (The last time I saw them play, they used the word “shit” and said they wanted to kill George W. Bush, which makes me [a] like them and [b] think that whatever their religious beliefs are, it’s not your garden- variety Mormonism. Of course, I’ve found myself shying away from finding out more about the detail’s of Low’s religious beliefs, for this very reason — because I don’t want to find out something that’s going to make me dislike them — but that’s a topic for another post.)

Wagner_ring_cd
But the problem with that — the problem with this whole snarly issue, in fact — is that, as a general theoretical principle, I do think that critique and appreciation of art should usually be separated from opinions about the artist. It’s not always possible, and I can think of instances where it’s not even desirable… but on the whole, I think it’s a goal worth reaching for. It’s different when the artist in question is still alive — when it comes to Wagner, for instance, there’s not that soiled, complicit feeling you get from knowing that your money is financing an anti-Semitic creep. But as a rule, I think that rejecting art because you don’t like the opinions of the artist is an inhibiting minefield at best, and a serious missing of the point at worst. One of the whole points of art is that it opens your mind to different ways of seeing the world… and that doesn’t work if you’re only willing to be opened to perspectives you already agree with.

Jerry-maguire
But the thing is? This “I can’t stand to watch Tom Cruise” thing isn’t a carefully considered ethical and aesthetic choice. It’s an emotional response. Even if I came to the conclusion that my visceral rejection of Tom Cruise wasn’t fair and I should simply assess him on the basis of his work… I’d still flip past “Jerry Maguire” on the TV with a shudder and a desire to take a shower. The stomach has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing. And life is too short to spend watching actors who make me want to retch. There are plenty of actors who don’t. I can live a rich, full life without ever seeing another Tom Cruise movie again.

I do think it’s sort of a shame, though. I’d like to see “Gallipoli” or “Magnolia” again. I’d like to see “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” someday. I don’t like feeling cut off from entire avenues of art and popular culture just because some of the people involved are jackasses with creepy religious beliefs.

Thoughts?

Religion and Creepy Celebrities, or, The Tom Cruise Phenomenon

The Great Gruesome Christmas Carols

Christmas carols

And now for something completely different.

I’m one of those freakish people who actually likes Christmas carols. Not the gloppy, cutesy, “Suzy Snowflake” modern variety so much (although I do have a soft spot for “Silver Bells”), but the soaring, haunting, gorgeous classic ones. “Angels We Have Heard On High,” “The Holly and the Ivy,” “The Angel Gabriel,” that sort of thing.

And one of the things I like about them is how totally freaky some of them are.

There’s this annual Christmas party I go to every year (although I had to miss it this year, damn and blast), at which the singing of Christmas carols and other seasonal and not- so- seasonal music is a centerpiece. A few years back, I went on the Internet and pulled together a lyric sheet, so we could actually sing all the songs all the way through instead of tapering off pathetically after the first verse.

And you know what I found? Some Christmas carols are truly gruesome. Startlingly gruesome. Freakishly and hilariously gruesome.

So I thought I should share with the rest of the class.

We start with a classic: the fourth verse of “We Three Kings of Orient Are.”

Myrrh

Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes a life of gathering gloom;
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,
Sealed in the stone cold tomb.

I love that one. It rings out so lustily — especially when a room full of eggnog- tiddly heathens is belting it out.

Then we have this gem: two little lines from the 1865 “Greensleeves” parody rewrite, “What Child Is This”:

Crucifixion

Nails, spear shall pierce Him through,
The cross be borne for me, for you.

Well, it definitely reminds you of the reason for the season. You can’t deny that.

Then we have the lesser- known, but haunting and really quite lovely “Coventry Carol” (here’s the tune, in case you don’t know it). With this charming third verse:

Slaughter of the innocents

Herod the king in his raging,
Charged he hath this day,
His men of night, in his own sight,
All children young to stay.

The fourth verse is a charmer, too, although somewhat lacking in the vivid “dead children” imagery:

Then woe is me, poor child, for thee,
And ever mourn and say,
For thy parting not say, nor sing,
By, by, lullay, lullay.

But the best — the very, very best, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords of gruesome Christmas carols — has got to be the “Corpus Christi Carol,” a.k.a. “Down In Yon Forest.” There are different versions of it, but the one I found when I was putting together the songbook goes like this:

Dead knights

Down in yon forest there stands a hall
(The bells of paradise I heard them ring)
It’s covered all over with purple and pall
(And I love my Lord Jesus above anything)

In that hall there stands a bed
It’s covered all over with scarlet so red

Under the bed there runs a flood
One half runs water, the other runs blood

On the bed there lies a knight
Whose wounds do drip down both by day and by night

By the bed there lies a hound
Who laps at the blood as it daily drips down

At the bed’s foot there grows a thorn
Which ever so blossomed since Jesus was born

(Here’s a nifty folk-Goth version of it by my friend Tim Walters and his occasional project Conjure Wife; here’s a YouTube video with a more conventional rendition, although for some reason it’s lacking the verse about the vampire dog.)

So Merry Christmas, everybody! And in the midst of this terrible, disrespectful, heathenistic War on Christmas, let’s all remember the reason for the season: a life of gathering gloom, flesh pierced through with nails and a spear, children slaughtered by a raging king, and — merriest of all — a half-blood, half-water river, blood dripping from a wounded knight, and a dog licking up the blood. Let me know if there’s any I’ve forgotten, or any I haven’t heard of yet. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

The Great Gruesome Christmas Carols

“Old Time Religion”: And The Winner Is…

Old time religion
My deepest and most wildly entertained thanks to everyone who participated in the “Old Time Religion” song parody contest. We definitely have some wonderful new verses now to liven up the repertoire at drunken folk-nerd parties. And in a way, you’re all winners.

But in another, more accurate way, Cuttlefish is the winner.

Oh, like anyone’s surprised…

Let’s start with the honorable mentions and the runners-up. (FYI, some slight adjustments have been made on a few of these to make them scan perfectly, since I’m a little obsessive- compulsive about scanning.) A very fond honorable mention goes to Tim Walters, for:

Cthulhu for president
Let us bow down to Cthulhu
Most implacable and cruel, who
Always covers me with drool; you
Know that’s good enough for me.

Give me that cold slime religion…

FYI, the only reason this verse doesn’t get a higher score is that I’ve heard the verse before (plus it seemed unfair to pick my personal friends as winners). I didn’t know Tim wrote it, though; it just sounds like it’s part of the canon, which is always a good sign in the folk process. (If you hear anyone say that the folk song/ dance/ tune you’ve written is very old and nobody knows who wrote it, you know you’ve arrived…)

More Honorable Mentions to traumerin, for:

Let us bow down to Astarte
Though the Hebrews call her tarty,
She knows how to throw a party,
And that’s good enough for me.

To Charlotte, for:

Minerva
Let us now worship Minerva
Study with religious fervor
Then go kill those who don’t serve her –
Hell, that’s wise enough for me!

To mandydax:

Let us worship our Sky Fairy.
Lo, His chin is rather hairy.
He says don’t eat meat with dairy,
And that’s good enough for me.

To Danielle — several people had good ones about the Discworld gods, but this is my favorite:

Let us all worship Blind Io
With his many eyes that fly-o.
God of thunder up on high-o,
He is good enough for me.

To Seth Manapio, for one of the best Flying Spaghetti Monster ones:

When he comes the Pasta Brethren
Will have beer and television
We’ll have strippers up in heaven
And that’s good enough for me

To Pierce R. Butler, for the only Pascal’s Wager one:

Blaise_Pascal

Let us worship all the gods
Some are dudes, and some are broads
Pascal says that gives great odds
And that’s good enough for me!

To Indigo, for another fine one in the Made Up Atheist Religion Series:

Let’s bow to the hidden dragon
In the garage of Carl Sagan
Can’t be known and that’s not braggin’
And that’s good enough for me!

To Rebecca, for one that’s both ancient and raunchy:

All you virgins sing to Vesta…
(empty pause)
Come, I promise we won’t test ya…
(pause)
Well I guess that’s it for Vesta
And that’s good enough for me.

And now for the winners. Second runner-up goes to JohnnyPotamus, for my favorite in the Flying Spaghetti Monster series (and for some of the best rhymes ever):

Flying Spaghetti Monster

I will worship His Great Noodles
‘Cause he doesn’t give two toodles
What we do with our own doodles
And that’s good enough for me!

First runner-up goes to Claire B., for writing the Russell’s Teapot one that I couldn’t come up with:

Teapot
Let us worship Russell’s Teapot
Though it cannot keep your tea hot
Yet disprovable it be not
And that’s good enough for me

(Claire B. had other good ones, including an excellent one on Carl Sagan’s Dragon, but I’m limiting myself to one per customer.)

And finally, we come to the winner. It was hard to pick just one by Cuttlefish; he had so many excellent ones. But ultimately, me being me, I have to go with this one:

Apollo
At the Temple of Apollo
Some will lead and some will follow
Some will spit and some will swallow
And that’s good enough for me.

The masterful Cuttlefish, Poet Laureate of the Atheosphere, wins his choice of a free copy of any of my three books that he wants: Paying For It, Three Kinds of Asking For It, or Best Erotic Comics 2008. Drop me an email or a comment to let me know which (if any) of these you’d like, Mr. Fish, and I’ll ship it off to you pronto.

And thanks to everyone for playing! This has been more fun than a barrel of apologetics, and I can’t wait to unleash these at the next drunken folk nerd party.

“Old Time Religion”: And The Winner Is…

“I will try not to sing…”: Joe Cocker With Subtitles

I don’t think I have anything to add to this video.

Mostly because it makes me laugh so hard I can’t talk.

It’s probably funnier if you’ve seen the movie “Woodstock” (or heard the album); but it should still be a darned good time if you haven’t. BTW, the joke doesn’t start until about 30 seconds in, but it’s worth waiting for and not jumping ahead.

Video below the fold, since putting videos above the fold mucks up my archives.

Continue reading ““I will try not to sing…”: Joe Cocker With Subtitles”

“I will try not to sing…”: Joe Cocker With Subtitles

Atheism in Pop Culture: “Old Time Religion”

This one should be fun. In fact, I think we can make it into a contest.

Give-me-that-old-time-religion

It's the pagany folk nerd song parody of "Old Time Religion."

(You know. "Give me that old time religion/ Give me that old time religion/ Give me that old time religion/ It's good enough for me.")

I've loved this ever since I first heard it. Apart from just being silly and fun with many ridiculous rhymes, it's a neat reminder that Christianity really isn't "that old time religion" — many religions are much, much older. And it has a nice, gentle, "making fun of everyone equally" quality that I'm very fond of.

Technically, I suppose it's not atheist. It's more "pagan/ disrespectful of organized religion." And technically I suppose it's not pop culture, either, unless you consider folk nerd song parodies to be pop culture. But I don't care. The subject of Druids came up at work the other day, and this verse popped into my head, and I decided I had to share with the rest of the class:

Druidic_ritual_Stonehenge_2

Let us worship like the Druids
Running naked through the woo-ids
Drinking strange fermented fluids
And that's good enough for me.

(Give me that old time religion, etc.)

There are about eight hundred thousand verses floating around in the folk nerd world and on the 'Net, but not all of them are gems. Here are a few that I'm particularly fond of:

Aphrodite

Let us worship Aphrodite
In her silky see-through nightie
Though she's mean and somewhat flighty
She's good enough for me.

Let us sacrifice to Isis
She will help us in a crisis
And she hasn't raised her prices
And that's good enough for me.

Let us all bow down to Buddha
There's no other God who's cuter
Comes in copper, brass, and pewter
And that's good enough for me.

Let us travel to Valhalla
In Volkswagens, not Impalas
Singing "Deutschland Uber Alles"
And that's good enough for me.

Kali_Devi

Let us sacrifice to Kali
Let us worship her, by golly
To ignore her would be folly
And that's good enough for me.

Let us worship Zarathustra
Let us worship like we used to
I'm a Zarathustra booster
And that's good enough for me.

This next has always been my favorite:

Loki

Let us sacrifice to Loki
He's the old Norse god of chaos
Which is why this verse doesn't rhyme, or scan
And that's good enough for me.

And to show that it's an equal opportunity song parody, there are at least two verses on Christianity:

Let us all bow down to Mary
For she hasn't lost her cherry
And she cures the beri-beri
And that's good enough for me.

Let us worship like the Quakers
(silence)
(silence)
And that's good enough for me.

I wrote the next two myself:

Bacchus

Let us now form up a caucus
So that we may worship Bacchus
For his followers are raucous
And that's good enough for me.

(Alternate last line: "For his followers will fock us…")

Let us sacrifice to Hades
Looking spiffy in his shade-es
He's a devil with the ladies
And that's good enough for me.

My good friend Rebecca wrote this one:

There's a graven image of Ba'al
That I bought for my front ha'al
At the graven image ma'al
And that's good enough for me.

And my good friend Nosmo King wrote this verse, totally on the fly the first time he heard the song, earning the eternal admiration of all the drunken folk nerds at that particular party:

Yin_and_Yang.svg

Let us walk the path of Tao
Though it hasn't got much wow
But it's in the here and now
And that's good enough for me.

So now it's your turn! At parties we keep singing the same ones again and again, and we need new ones. Plus we desperately need some from the atheist pantheon of made-up religions, and I'm having a hard time rhyming "flying spaghetti monster" and "invisible pink unicorn." (I'm about halfway there on Russell's Teapot — something about "It's impossible to see, but" — but so far I'm failing to come up with a last line.)

So chime in with your verses! The winner — picked entirely by me at my own whim — will get a free copy of any of my three books that they want: Paying For It, Three Kinds of Asking For It, or Best Erotic Comics 2008. Entries must be made in the comments by August 31. Have fun, y'all!

(Druid photo by La Repubblica.)

Atheism in Pop Culture: “Old Time Religion”

Suzanne

As promised a couple of weeks ago. But first, a shout-out to my old friend Max on this one, since it was really his idea.

Guitar_neck
Back in college, a bunch of us were hanging out, and I was playing “Suzanne” on the guitar (non-ironically, even — was I ever so young?), and Max started ad-libbing this incredibly mean-spirited, very funny parody of it. I can’t remember any of the words to it anymore, but the spirit has lived on in my brain ever since, and I finally stopped trying to remember his words and just came up with my own. (The last line of the chorus is actually Max’s — it’s the only one of his I could remember.) I wrote the first verse and the chorus years ago; I wrote the final verse last month.

So here it is: my mean-spirited, hopefully funny song parody of “Suzanne.” FYI, I’m skipping the second verse. Yes, I know it’s the one about, “And Jesus was a sailor/When he walked upon the water,” and it would seem ripe for my evil tongue/ pen/ laptop. But I think song parody is a dish best served in small portions, and two verses plus a chorus seems like oodles already. Enjoy!

Suzanne

Ravi_shankar
Suzanne takes you down
To her place in the Village
You can listen to Bob Dylan
And that goddamn Ravi Shankar
And her Indian print bedspread
Catches dust and makes you sneezy
And she feeds you tea and oatcakes
That come all the way from Brooklyn
And she’ll drive you to distraction
With her half-assed Eastern wisdom
And you think she’s really batty
But she makes you really horny
And you know you’ll get some off her

Chorus:
And you want to shake some sense into
That ditzy spaced-out brainpan
And you think she’s really batty
But still you’re very sexually attracted to her

Tie_dye
Suzanne takes your hand
And she leads you to her bedroom
She is wearing tie-dye headbands
From this little shop in Chelsea
And her tea tastes just like seaweed
From the stinky New York Harbor
And she shows you all her pottery
From when she went to Hampshire
There are vases shaped like Buddha
There are bongs with little peace signs
She is asking if you like them
And you make your lie convincing
‘Cuz you know you’ll get some off her.

Other posts in this series:
Joe Hill
Super Geek

Suzanne