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Dec 26 2013

Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters

I’m doing a full court press in December to finish my new book, “Coming Out Atheist: How to Do It, How to Help Each Other, and Why.” Deadline for going to the typesetter is January 2. So for most of December, I’ll be posting retreads traditional holiday posts, as well as a few cat pictures. Enjoy!

New Year’s Eve is coming up, so I thought I’d reprint this recipe for Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters. Proceed with caution.

hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxyWhen I was about to turn 42, I of course wanted to serve Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters for my birthday. Not the real thing, of course — they can’t be mixed in Earth’s atmosphere — but a reasonable approximation.

So we went online, and found approximately 894,589,760 recipes for it. Trouble was, most of them involved gin, to approximate the Arcturan Mega-gin. Trouble was, I don’t like gin.

But we found this one, and loved it. It has just about everything a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster should have. It looks really alien, like something they’d drink on Star Trek. It’s entertaining and dramatic to put together. And its effects are, in fact, very similar to having your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick. It’s one of those sneaky drinks that’s waaaaaay more intoxicating than it tastes: it goes down sweet and easy, you keep tossing them back… and soon you’re putting plastic cocktail monkeys in your hair, and trying on other people’s pants, and telling total strangers how awesome they are and how much you love them.

Ingredients:
Champagne
Vodka
Blue curacao
Sugar cubes
Bitters (we used Angostura)

Ahead of time (you can do this a day or two ahead of time, or whenever you like, really), pre-mix a mixture of:
1/2 blue curacao
1/2 vodka

Also ahead of time (shortly before the party):
Prepare a plate of sugar cubes with one drop of bitters on each cube (this approximates the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger).

As guests arrive:

Fill a champagne flute mostly full of champagne, about one shot short.
Add one shot of the curacao/vodka mixture.
Drop in one embittered sugar cube.

Do these one at a time for each guest: it’s pretty to watch, and the embittered sugar cube goes “fizz fizz fizz” in a very dramatic way when it’s dropped into the champagne/ vodka/ curacao mix.

Drink only with people you trust. And beware the plastic cocktail monkeys.

11 comments

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  1. 1
    Gregory in Seattle

    Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol’ Janx Spirit.

    Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V.

    Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost.)

    Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it (in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia.)

    Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones.

    Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian suns deep into the heart of the drink.

    Sprinkle Zamphour.

    Add an olive.

    Drink…but very carefully.”

  2. 2
    Gregory in Seattle

    To the best of my knowledge, this can be mixed in Earth’s atmosphere. However, there are several environmental protection treaties that prohibit doing so.

  3. 3
    chrisj

    Gregory in Seattle: I can only assume that you’ve never seen what happens to Hypermint extract in the presence of water vapour. I’d argue that the reaction takes floating a measure over the back of a silver spoon beyond “inadvisible” and into impossible territory.

  4. 4
    Gregory in Seattle

    @chrisj #3 – Which makes it possible, but strongly inadvisable. Thus, the treaties.

  5. 5
    chrisj

    Gregory – I disagree. If none of the hypermint ever makes it into the drink, it’s not a properly PGGB, and it thus isn’t possible to mix one in Earth’s atmosphere. The environmental devastation is just a side-issue.

  6. 6
    otrame

    You guys made me spray my plain old G&T all over my keyboard. Well done.

  7. 7
    Gregory in Seattle

    @chrisj #5 – I concede your point.

  8. 8
    joemonterrubio

    You’re forgetting the Fallian marsh gas.

    Pour the curacao/vodka mix into a soda siphon.

    Instead of a green CO2 cartridge, use a grey Nitrous oxide one.

    Woohoo!

  9. 9
    Gregory in Seattle

    @joemonterrubio #8 – An alcoholic beverage “carbonated” with nitrous oxide. That sounds interesting. Very, very interesting.

  10. 10
    procrastinator will get an avatar real soon now

    “Very, very interesting.” Yes, yes it does. Hmmm.

  11. 11
    chrisj

    Otrame – you’re welcome; we live to serve :)

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