What Three Questions Will Get You Excited?


I need a dumb distraction. Anyone want to play a game?

I keep getting this spam with the subject line, “3 Questions That Will Excite Any Woman!” Of course they don’t tell you what the three questions are — they want you to buy their stupid product, which will supposedly tell you what these magical foolproof woman-exciting questions are. And I’m fairly certain that there do not exist three questions that are guaranteed to excite any and every woman. Sexually or otherwise.

But I keep thinking: Are there three questions that would excite me, under just about any circumstances?

Of course I was tempted to go with, “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” “What is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?” But I decided to be a little more original than that. Here’s my stab at it.

1: “Did you read in the New York Times that they’ve definitively discovered the cause of abiogenesis?”
2: “Hey, isn’t that Jon Hamm over there in the corner making eyes at you?”
3: “Do you know that your hair is on fire?”

What about you? What three questions will get you excited?

Comments

  1. oaksterdam says

    Is that Tegan or Sara?
    Can you help me finish this bourbon?
    Would you be ok with working from home?

  2. says

    Hrm…

    We share the first one on abiogenesis. That’d get me irrationally excited.
    “What’s that you’re drinking?”
    “Are you that author?”

  3. R Johnston says

    What do you get if you multiply six by nine?

    Does that tickle?

    Would you like some Talisker?

  4. Nick Gotts says

    Did you hear about the NASA discovery of extra-terrestrial life?

    Have you thought of writing your results up for Nature?

    I am the genie of the lamp; what is your command, O Master?

  5. badgersdaughter says

    Don’t you know I think you’re beautiful just the way you are?
    How did you design the training module for that program when you’ve never used it yourself?
    Have you heard they found the cure?

  6. embertine says

    1. Will you marry me? (Terror counts as excitement, right?)
    2. I won a day pass for two to a slow loris handling safari. Wanna come?
    3. Hey, did you hear that has turned out to be useful in the fight against ?

  7. Stacy says

    1. Would you like this free pass for unlimited travel on Virgin Galactic?
    2. Would you like that 80 million dollars in cash or deposited directly into your account?
    3. Yeah, the abiogenesis one.

  8. borax says

    1. Wanna try the new local brewery?
    2. Wanna meet my pet sloth?
    3. You ever danced with the devil in the pale moon’s light?
    I’m a guy, but those are the questions I would like to be asked.

  9. triple3a says

    1. Did you hear that Rick Perry and the Texas state legislature will overturn both the ambulatory care center requirement for reproductive care centers and ID requirements for voters?

    2. Is it true that, in 2014, Democrats will retake the House of Representatives and get a majority in the Senate?

    3. Did you notice that all MRAs, christian patriarchs, and atheist dude bros started a colony on an unnamed Pacific island, moved, there, and were never heard from again?

    (One can always hope.)

  10. sisu says

    1. So, who do you think should be the next Doctor?
    2. Want to go to the library?
    3. Should we go out for sushi?

  11. Blueaussi says

    1. Can I take the midnight kitten feeding so you can get a good night’s sleep?

    2. Hi, I’m from Best Reputation Rescue Group, and we have an opening now, do you still want us to help get those kittens to a good forever home?

    3. Will you sign my petition to fight light pollution and then come out to my dark skied yard to watch the comet/meteor shower/star gazing party?

    Yeah, they’re pretty limited and personal, but my life has been subsumed by orphan kitten care for the last two weeks. I had a sudden and keen understanding into new parent behavior when I realized all I wanted to talk about yesterday was kitten poo and litter boxes.

  12. Yellow Thursday says

    There are certain questions that would excite me, if they were said by a specific person. But the implication of the spam is that anybody should be able to ask the questions. So here goes:

    1. Who’s your favorite Doctor?
    2. What are you going to do now that all your debts are paid off?
    3. Would you like to be one of the first colonists on the upcoming Moon colony?

  13. PatrickG says

    1. When can you start?
    2. Will you accept this strategy?
    3. Would you like to pick out your office space?

    Yes, I have a job interview in 2 hours. How could you tell?

  14. UnknownEric the Apostate says

    1. Did you hear the Republicans admitted they were just pulling our legs and they’re totally progressive too?
    2. Would you be interested in 50 million dollars, no strings attached?
    3. I don’t need this 50 tons of Tofurky Jerky, you want it?

  15. Uncle Ebeneezer says

    When I first read this I thought you wrote “is that KEN Ham over there…”

    On that note:

    “Excuse me sir, have you heard about Jesus the savior?” This usually excites me, though in a blood-boiling, get-ready-for-a-fight/negative way.

    “Did you hear the news about the Scalia/Roberts/Alito/Thomas quadruple suicide?” would be a very exciting question to hear (dare to dream?)

    “Excuse me, my name is Ana. Me, Maria and Julia were wondering if you could be our ‘fourth?'” It’s all about tennis, I swear! ;)

  16. says

    What aromatics do you use in your pickle brine?

    How can RTI and Restorative Practices be combined to create a better learning environment for middle schoolers?

    Who is a better role model for girls, Greta Christina or Buffy Summers?

  17. Pen says

    Sorry to be reserved but my favourite would be general chitchat about current affairs / situation / media with NO personal questions as a result of which the other person reveals 1) intelligence, 2) wit and 3) moral standards, not necessarily in that order. So much for the magic bullet.

  18. Randomfactor says

    “Dammit, a winning lottery ticket and I’m ineligible…here, you want it?”

  19. Uncle Ebeneezer says

    @Improbable Joe- that’s a great one. I would also love to hear “can you crank that amp UP a little, please?” coming from a sound-person.

  20. says

    A certain set of questions and answers that I won’t post here.

    I have a special Q&A template set up just in case I ever meet another time-traveling version of myself. No one but me knows the right questions and responses, so I can verify the identity of myself. If anyone ever asks me those questions, I’ll freak the hell out.

  21. UnknownEric the Apostate says

    I would also love to hear “can you crank that amp UP a little, please?” coming from a sound-person.

    Sadly, I’ve had that experience more than once. I was never as confident about my bass-plunking abilities as my bandmates were.

  22. novainateacup says

    Not completely original, but…!

    1. Hey, did you know that they’ve just made an incredible advance in space flight technology that will allow humans to travel to another star and then transmit back their findings within the next forty years?
    2. Wait, you’re THAT author?! Oh my god, I absolutely love your work!
    3. Ah, I really wish I had friends who were interested in analysing gender dynamics and feminism as they relate to fandom so I could stop boring everyone around me with my long speeches…

  23. novainateacup says

    No wait, this one would definitely have to be on the list:

    4. Hey, I just ordered this gourmet four-cheese pizza, but they accidentally gave me a party size instead of a large. Anyone wanna help me finish it?

  24. feline9192 says

    1) Can I eat your pussy?
    2) Does that feel good?
    3) What can I do to make you have a creaming orgasm?

    It is summer I am horny.

  25. Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :) says

    (6/2m)(πħ^2)(V^-(2/3))?
    (9/2m)(πħ^2)(V^-(2/3))?
    (6/m)(πħ^2)(V^-(2/3))?

    ^.^

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