Why Is Kink Fun? Guest Post on En Tequila Es Verdad

Why is kink fun?

Why is it that some people — in very specialized, negotiated, enthusiastically consensual circumstances — find it not just acceptable, but actively and deeply pleasurable, to be controlled, dominated, physically hurt, used, objectified, shamed, humiliated, and/or have their freedom curtailed?

Quick bit of background. I’ve recently published a collection of erotic fiction — mostly kinky — titled “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More.” (Currently available as an ebook on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords — audiobook and paperback are coming soon.) The book has gotten an excellent reception so far, with lots of lovely gushing reviews. But it’s also been received with some bafflement, and in some cases even hostility, from a few readers and people who’ve seen excerpts or read what I’ve written about it… and who don’t understand how it can be healthy to get sexual pleasure from experiences that are so obviously unhealthy and negative and bad. Example: I got this message on Facebook recently, which I’m printing with the senders permission (anonymously at their request):

I am right in the middle of your book “Bending”. As someone who has a very “vanilla” sex drive with no kinks (literally, none.. I’m as bland as they come) I don’t quite see the appeal to feeling shame that comes with BDSM-style punishment and discipline. As someone who’s been shamed in real life by religion in years past, and by friends and family who don’t understand my hobbies and quirks, I find it hard to empathize with how shame can be a turn-on for some people.

I ask this in the most non-judgmental way possible… but, what is the appeal? I’m a little hung up on your book because I don’t understand how humiliation can be erotic. I think the book is very well written but I’m just having a hard time reading through it because there is a stark disconnect between my sexuality and the sexuality of the characters portrayed in your short stories.

Thank you very much for your time. I love the work that you do and look forward to possibly hearing back from you.

I’ve been doing kinky sex for so long, I sometimes forget how incomprehensible it sometimes seems to people who aren’t into it. But I do recognize why this might be hard to understand. In some ways, consensually sadomasochistic sex can almost be defined as sex that eroticizes, and makes pleasurable, experiences that would normally be actively unpleasant, and in some cases even horrific.

What about that feels good?

*****

Bending cover
To read the rest of this essay, go to Why Is Kink Fun?, my guest post on Dana Hunter’s En Tequila Es Verdad.

Here’s the deal: I’m doing a blog tour for my new erotic fiction collection, “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More.” Today’s installment in the tour is an essay by me exploring what it is about kink that kinky people find pleasurable, a guest post on Dana Hunter’s En Tequila Es Verdad.

And remember — the book is currently available an an ebook on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords. Audiobook and paperback are coming soon!

Previous stops on this blog tour:

6/3:
Ozy Frantz’s Blog: Is Erotic Shame Real Shame? (guest post by me)
Ozy Frantz’s Blog: Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)

Ozy Frantz has taken down their blog. These posts have now been reprinted on my own blog:
Is Erotic Shame “Real” Shame? (essay)
Excerpt from Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)

6/4:
Brute Reason: Greta Christina on Writing Dirty Stories (interview with Miri)

6/5:
Lusty Lady, Rachel Kramer Bussell: Excerpt from Craig’s List (extended excerpt)

6/7:
Charlie Glickman’s Blog: “Discover just how far sexy goes” (brief review/ blurb)

6/10:
WWJTD? JT Eberhard: On Being an Atheist Writing Religious Porn, plus Excerpt from Penitence as a Perpetual Motion Machine (guest post by me, plus extended excerpt)

6/12:
Passions and Provocations, Pam Rosenthal (a.k.a. Molly Weatherfield): How to Read a Remarkable Work of Erotica (review/ essay)

6/13:
Curvacious Dee’s Blog: Bent Fiction, plus Excerpt from Doing It Over (review, plus extended excerpt)’

6/13:
Susie Bright’s Journal: Pain, Kink, Shame — and a Unicorn Chaser. Greta Christina’s New Erotic Epic! (brief review and extended excerpt from “The Shame Photos”)

Why Is Kink Fun? Guest Post on En Tequila Es Verdad
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Pain, Kink, Shame— and a Unicorn Chaser. Greta Christina's New Erotic Epic! Susie' Bright's Review of "Bending," Plus Extended Excerpt from "The Shame Photos"

“These are not nice stories,” Greta told me when she started this new erotica collection.

“They’re filthy. They’re fearless. Some are even funny.”

Greta and I worked together at On Our Backs in the 1980s, and as long as I’ve known her, she has been a visceral erotic philosophizer, the kind of person I’d want to put in a time machine just to go back and watch her spar with De Sade.

I think she’d lay him out flat.

Christina is fearless about difficult topics— and furthermore, taking a taboo, like “shame” and putting it in a wicked sexual context where there are NO banal lessons to be doled out.

I published her work repeatedly in Best American Erotica, her first novella Bending, which is reprinted here. I practically added her essay “Are We Having Sex Now or What?” to my email signature!

When she hands me a new manuscript, I cancel my evening plans… and I hope you will enjoy the same singular sensation!

*****

Bending cover
To read this review by Susie Bright, along with an extended excerpt from my dirty story “The Shame Photos,” go to Pain, Kink, Shame— and a Unicorn Chaser. Greta Christina’s New Erotic Epic! on Susie Bright’s Journal.

Here’s the deal: I’m doing a blog tour for my new erotic fiction collection, “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More.” Today’s installment in the tour is an embarrassingly flattering review by Susie Bright , who can be found on her blog, along with an extended excerpt from my dirty story, “The Shame Photos.”

And remember — the book is currently available an an ebook on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords. Audiobook and paperback are coming soon!

Previous stops on this blog tour:

6/3:
Ozy Frantz’s Blog: Is Erotic Shame Real Shame? (guest post by me)
Ozy Frantz’s Blog: Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)

Ozy Frantz has taken down their blog. These posts have now been reprinted on my own blog:
Is Erotic Shame “Real” Shame? (essay)
Excerpt from Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)

6/4:
Brute Reason: Greta Christina on Writing Dirty Stories (interview with Miri)

6/5:
Lusty Lady, Rachel Kramer Bussell: Excerpt from Craig’s List (extended excerpt)

6/7:
Charlie Glickman’s Blog: “Discover just how far sexy goes” (brief review/ blurb)

6/10:
WWJTD? JT Eberhard: On Being an Atheist Writing Religious Porn, plus Excerpt from Penitence as a Perpetual Motion Machine (guest post by me, plus extended excerpt)

6/12:
Passions and Provocations, Pam Rosenthal (a.k.a. Molly Weatherfield): How to Read a Remarkable Work of Erotica (review/ essay)

6/13:
Curvacious Dee’s Blog: Bent Fiction, plus Excerpt from Doing It Over (review, plus extended excerpt)’

Pain, Kink, Shame— and a Unicorn Chaser. Greta Christina's New Erotic Epic! Susie' Bright's Review of "Bending," Plus Extended Excerpt from "The Shame Photos"

Greta Speaking in Amherst, NY and Las Vegas

I have some speaking gigs coming up soon — one tomorrow (Friday) in Amherst, NY, and another at the Secular Student Alliance conference (the West one in Las Vegas). If you’re nearby, I hope to see you there!

CITY: Amherst, NY at CFI
DATE: Friday, June 14
TIME: 7:00 pm – 9:00 pm
LOCATION: CFI Amherst, 1310 Sweet Home Road, Amherst, NY
EVENT/ HOSTS: Center for Inquiry
TOPIC: Why Are You Atheists So Angry?
SUMMARY: The atheist movement is often accused of being driven by anger. What are so many atheists so angry about? Is this anger legitimate? And can anger be an effective force behind a movement for social change?
COST: $5 for the public, and FREE for students and CFI members.
EVENT URL: http://www.centerforinquiry.net/amherst/events/greta_christina_why_are_you_atheists_so_angry_99_things_that_piss_off_the_g/
https://www.facebook.com/events/146385225538774/?fref=ts

CITY: Las Vegas, Nevada — Secular Student Alliance Annual Leadership Conference West
DATES: June 21-23
LOCATION: University of Nevada – Las Vegas
EVENT/ HOSTS: Secular Student Alliance Annual Leadership Conference West
TOPIC: Activist Burnout — Prevention, Detection, and Treatment
SUMMARY: Do you love atheist activism? Do you want to keep on loving atheist activism, and not get burned out on it? Here are some practical tips and guiding philosophies for preventing activism burnout, recognizing its warning signs, and dealing with it when it happens.
COST: $39 – $149, $125 for a group of five students/ advisers, most meals included, travel aid available
EVENT URL: https://www.secularstudents.org/2013con/Vegas

Greta Speaking in Amherst, NY and Las Vegas

Secular Meditation: How Down Time is Changing

So here’s a change I wasn’t expecting: I’m no longer annoyed by down time. I’m actually welcoming it and appreciating it. At least sometimes.

As regular readers know, I’ve recently begun a secular meditation/ mindfulness practice, based on the evidence-based Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction techniques. There are about eleventy billion ways that this is affecting my life, many of which I didn’t expect going into this and which have taken me very much by surprise… and there’s one in particular that’s both small and profound.

It’s this: I’m no longer being distressed and annoyed by down time.

Not nearly as much, anyway.

I tend to be a very active, goal-oriented person: always in motion, always seeking stimulation, always wanting to be doing something, trying to be super-efficient and fill every waking second with productivity. You know those people who are constantly looking at their phone during any break in the action, when they’re waiting for the bus or waiting in line for coffee or waiting for their email search to quit spinning its wheels and finally freaking open, come on, it’s been ten seconds already for crying out loud, I don’t have all day? That’s me. I’m one of those people. Like I wrote when I wrote about learning to love our play-aggressive cat, and how she had picked me as her favorite: “How is it fair that I got Comet: the high-energy, high-maintenance, perpetually-in-motion sensation junkie with a near-constant need for attention and … oh. Right. Never mind. I totally got the cat I deserve.”

But ever since I started the mindfulness/ meditation practice, I am doing this stuff way, way less. I am seeing the breaks in my life, the minutes and seconds when I don’t have anything particular to do, not as a waste, but as an opportunity.

I’m working on bringing mindfulness into my daily life. I don’t just want to meditate once a day and then run through the rest of my life like a bat out of hell. And I’ve been finding that, if I’m waiting for a bus, or I’m stuck in a line at the coffee place, or whatever, I’m not feeling a pressing need to fill the time. I can fill the time with just… being. Just noticing my surroundings, noticing my thoughts and feelings, noticing my body and my breath. Just being present with my self, and my life, and the people and the world around me.

When I do small pieces of the mindfulness practice throughout the day, I get more out of the practice. So these small moments of down time aren’t irritating me nearly as much as they used to. I’m actively enjoying them, and looking forward to them. I’m seeing them as an opportunity.

I suppose that, to some extent, I’m still being goal-oriented and filling the time with activity here. After all, there is a sense in which paying quiet conscious attention to my self and my surroundings is an activity. And the mindfulness/ meditation practice is a means to an end, as well as an end in itself. I am still me here, I’ll probably always be a hyper-productive, future-oriented go-getter, and I’m actually finding it funny the way I’m working this “be here now” practice into my go-getting. (That’s a topic for another post: the ways in which my life with meditation both is and is not the same, the ways in which this practice is both radically transformative and almost blandly mundane.)

But when I started this practice, I said that I was doing it because, quote, “it offers, or seems to offer, some things I’m in great need of: peace, calm, the ability to be present in the here and now, the ability to sit still, the ability to not constantly be either in motion or feeding my brain with stimulation, the ability to stay centered and focused and keep my mind from racing in a million directions at once like a hummingbird on meth.” And for now at least, that seems to be working.

This practice is helping with a lot of things: depression, anxiety, work productivity, motivation and focus. But I wonder if one of the most valuable things I’m going to get out of it is simply the ability to sit still, or stand still, and not feel like I have to be rushing to do something or get somewhere. I wonder if one of the most valuable things I’m going to get out of it is simply the ability to sit still, or stand still, and not feel anxious or guilty about the waste of my time. I wonder if one of the most valuable things I’m going to get out of it is simply the ability to sit still, or stand still, and be at peace.

Other piece in this series:
On Starting a Secular Meditation Practice
Meditation and Breakfast
Meditation, and the Difference Between Theory and Practice
Some Thoughts on Secular Meditation and Depression/Anxiety
Secular Meditation, and Doing One Thing at a Time
Secular Meditation: “Energy,” and Attention/ Awareness

Secular Meditation: How Down Time is Changing

Bent Fiction: Curvaceous Dee's Review of "Bending"

So. I downloaded it to my e-reader, took it to bed to read and proceeded to have some rather epic masturbatory sessions over a couple of nights.

*****

Bending cover
To read the rest of this review by Curvaceous Dee, along with an extended excerpt from my dirty story “Doing It Over,” go to Bent Fiction on Curvaceous Dee’s blog.

Here’s the deal: I’m doing a blog tour for my new erotic fiction collection, “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More.” Today’s installment in the tour is a very sweet, very naughty review by Curvaceous Dee, who can be found on her blog, along with an extended excerpt from my dirty story, “Doing It Over.”

And remember — the book is currently available an an ebook on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords. Audiobook and paperback are coming soon!

Previous stops on this blog tour:

6/3:
Ozy Frantz’s Blog: Is Erotic Shame Real Shame? (guest post by me)
Ozy Frantz’s Blog: Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)

Ozy Frantz has taken down their blog. These posts have now been reprinted on my own blog:
Is Erotic Shame “Real” Shame? (essay)
Excerpt from Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)

6/4:
Brute Reason: Greta Christina on Writing Dirty Stories (interview with Miri)

6/5:
Lusty Lady, Rachel Kramer Bussell: Excerpt from Craig’s List (extended excerpt)

6/7:
Charlie Glickman’s Blog: “Discover just how far sexy goes” (brief review/ blurb)

6/10:
WWJTD? JT Eberhard: On Being an Atheist Writing Religious Porn, plus Excerpt from Penitence as a Perpetual Motion Machine (guest post by me, plus extended excerpt)

6/12:
Passions and Provocations, Pam Rosenthal (a.k.a. Molly Weatherfield): How to Read a Remarkable Work of Erotica (review/ essay)

Bent Fiction: Curvaceous Dee's Review of "Bending"

How to Read a Remarkable Work of Erotica: Pam Rosenthal's Review of “Bending”

As my birthday approaches (tomorrow!) I’m once again struck by how totally Gemini I am: always of two minds, alternatively Pam the swooning romantic and Molly the shy p0rn0gr@ph#r.

Two genres, two ways of shaping a story.

On the romance side I see arcs of redemption, the closure and satisfaction of the HEA always immanent even in the darkest, most hopeless moments of the plot. Whereas the BDSM story — almost by definition– is an ever ascending, never completely satisfied spiral of anxious consent and escalating control, where the ending (pardon the pun) is always up for grabs.

In the wake of the 50 Shades juggernaut, of course, lots of writers have been publishing BDSM romance, and lately I’ve been experimenting with it myself. But I’m also still a sucker for the tough, smart, challenging BDSM story that keeps us guessing where it’ll end up. As a reader I’m like Molly Weatherfield‘s BDSM heroine Carrie: eager and grateful to be pushed and shoved, whacked and prodded through the dangerous thickets of narrative, by a voice and a sensibility tougher and more sure of itself than my own.

Which is why I fell so hard for Greta Christina‘s writing, first almost a decade ago when I heard the author read the story “This Week,” and again when I read the story for myself, this time in the author’s story collection, called Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More, recently published and available as an eBook (find the links below).
And yes, there really is a story about a unicorn. And a couple of others that poke their inquisitive noses into the sexy, scary places where faith and control bump up against each other (without the secular redemption implicit in the romance form). But “This Week” might still be my favorite, for its clarity of diction and purpose, the way its cadenced phrasing get me every time. “It’s the voice,” one of Anne Rice’s erotica characters muses: the careful yet leisurely arrogance of a certain species of narrative voice is all I need to feel mildly scared (in a good way) and totally that I’m in hard, capable hands.

*****

Bending cover
To read the rest of this review by erotica and romance writer Pam Rosenthal, a.k.a. Molly Weatherfield (“Carrie’s Story”), go to How to Read a Remarkable Work of Erotica on Pam’s blog, Passions and Provocations.

Here’s the deal: I’m doing a blog tour for my new erotic fiction collection, “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More.” Today’s installment in the tour is a smart, thoughtful, very complimentary review, blended with an essay on the reading of erotic fiction, from Pam Rosenthal, a.k.a. Molly Weatherfield, author of Carrie’s Story: An Erotic S/M Novel

and Safe Word: An Erotic S/M Novel
(IMO two of the best erotica novels around), who can be found on her blog, Passions and Provocations.

And remember — the book is currently available an an ebook on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords. Audiobook and paperback are coming soon!

Previous stops on this blog tour:

6/3:
Ozy Frantz’s Blog: Is Erotic Shame Real Shame? (guest post by me)
Ozy Frantz’s Blog: Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)

Ozy Frantz has taken down their blog. These posts have now been reprinted on my own blog:
Is Erotic Shame “Real” Shame? (essay)
Excerpt from Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)

6/4:
Brute Reason: Greta Christina on Writing Dirty Stories (interview with Miri)

6/5:
Lusty Lady, Rachel Kramer Bussell: Excerpt from Craig’s List (extended excerpt)

6/7:
Charlie Glickman’s Blog: “Discover just how far sexy goes” (brief review/ blurb)

6/10:
WWJTD? JT Eberhard’s blog: On Being an Atheist Writing Religious Porn, plus Excerpt from Penitence as a Perpetual Motion Machine (guest post by me, plus extended excerpt)

How to Read a Remarkable Work of Erotica: Pam Rosenthal's Review of “Bending”

9 Questions Not To Ask Atheists — With Answers

This piece was originally published on AlterNet.

Some questions perpetuate bigotry instead of reducing it. Here are nine questions that make atheists feel second-class — and that make you look like a jerk.

Asked of Hispanic-Americans: “Are you in this country legally?” Asked of gays and lesbians and bisexuals: “How do you have sex?” Asked of trans people: “Have you had the surgery?” Asked of African-Americans: “Can I touch your hair?”

I think every marginalized group has some question, or questions, that routinely get asked of them — and that drive them up a tree, questions that have insult or bigotry or dehumanization woven into the very asking. Sometimes the questions get asked sincerely, with sincere ignorance of the offensive assumptions behind them. And sometimes they get asked douchily, in a hostile, passive-aggressive, “I’m just asking questions” manner. But it’s still not okay to ask them. They’re not questions that open up genuine inquiry and discourse: they’re questions that close minds, much more than they open them. Even if that’s not the intention. And most people who care about bigotry and marginalization and social justice — or who just care about good manners — don’t ask them.

Here are nine questions you shouldn’t ask atheists. I’m going to answer them, just this once. And then I’ll explain why you shouldn’t be asking them, and why so many atheists will get ticked off if you do. Continue reading “9 Questions Not To Ask Atheists — With Answers”

9 Questions Not To Ask Atheists — With Answers

"Bending" Resource Guide for Audible Audiobook Readers

Bending cover
For audiobook readers of “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More”: Here is the resource guide. The book has a longish resource guide at the end, with books, hotlines, and online resources, offering information and ideas on how to navigate real-world SM safely. I’m obviously not going to be reading this into the audiobook — I can’t imagine that being fun for anyone — so I’m making it available here on my blog. Enjoy!

“Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More”
Resource Guide

I said this in the introduction, but I’ll say it again: This book is not a how-to guide on safe, consensual sadomasochism and kinky sex. This is a book of fantasies. While some of the stories here describe reasonably safe and healthy kinky relationships, many of them absolutely do not. The stories here are meant to entertain, to arouse, to provoke thought, to provide insight, to provide sexy images for you to get off on while you fuck or play or diddle yourself. But they are not meant to be replicated in real life. (Except in a consensual, safe, negotiated, acting- out- fantasies way.)

So what do you do if you do want information on how to practice safe, consensual sadomasochism and kinky sex?

Here are some resources to help you out. It includes books, hotlines, and online resources, with information and ideas on how to navigate real-world SM safely — both physically, and emotionally.

You may or may not want to do SM in your real life. Lots of people have kinky fantasies that they have no interest in acting out. And that’s totally fine. But lots of people have kinky fantasies that they’re very interested in acting out. And that’s totally fine, too. If you’re in that second group, and you don’t know how to get started — or if you’ve already gotten started, and you want some ideas about how to do it better or take it further — here are some resources to help you out. Have fun! Continue reading “"Bending" Resource Guide for Audible Audiobook Readers”

"Bending" Resource Guide for Audible Audiobook Readers

On Being an Atheist Writing Religious Porn, and Extended Excerpt from ”Penitence as a Perpetual Motion Machine”: Guest Post on WWJTD?

You wanna know the weird thing? It’s not so much that I’m an atheist who writes porn about religion. It’s that I didn’t even start writing porn about religion until I became an atheist. Becoming an atheist is, apparently, a major part of what made me want to write religious porn in the first place.

^^^^^

“I’m here to see Sister Catherine.”

“Yes. It’s nice to see you again, Mary. Please have a seat. Catherine has just finished up with another — visitor. Why don’t we take care of business now. She’ll be with you in a moment.”
Mary Elizabeth nods. She hands the woman behind the desk four hundred dollars in cash, and sits, keeping her coat on and her purse clutched in her lap. She tries not to look at the lobby: the garish red and black decor, the velveteen curtains tied back with steel chains, the worn spot on the black leather sofa. It makes it harder for her to think of this the way she needs to think of it. She sits, and stares at her knuckles gripping the handle of her purse, and waits.

“Mary Elizabeth. Please come in.”

Catherine has stepped into the lobby. She is dressed, as always for their meetings, in a modified modern habit: the knee-length gray dress, the heavy hose and sensible shoes, the small, unimposing wimple. She has carefully wiped all traces of makeup from her face.

She takes Mary Elizabeth by the hand, and leads her to the now-familiar room, the one fitted up like a schoolroom. An office or rectory would have been better, but this was the closest they had.

“Sit down, Mary. We have to have a difficult conversation.”

^^^^^

Bending cover
To read the rest of this essay, and the rest of this extended excerpt from the dirty story ”Penitence as a Perpetual Motion Machine,” go to On Being an Atheist Writing Religious Porn, my guest post on JT Eberhad’s blog, WWJTD?

Here’s the deal: I’m doing a blog tour for my new erotic fiction collection, “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More.” Today’s installment in the tour is a guest post, an essay by me on the weirdness of being an atheist who writes porn about religion — along with an extended excerpt from one of my pieces of religious porn, Penitence as a Perpetual Motion Machine — on JT Eberhard’s blog, WWJTD?

And remember — the book is currently available an an ebook on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords. Audiobook and paperback are coming soon!

Previous stops on this blog tour:

6/3:
Ozy Frantz’s Blog: Is Erotic Shame Real Shame? (guest post by me)
Ozy Frantz’s Blog: Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)

Ozy Frantz has taken down their blog. These posts have now been reprinted on my own blog:
Is Erotic Shame “Real” Shame? (essay)
Excerpt from Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)

6/4:
Brute Reason: Greta Christina on Writing Dirty Stories (interview with Miri)

6/5:
Rachel Kramer Bussel’s “Lusty Lady” Blog: Craig’s List (extended excerpt)

6/7:
Charlie Glickman’s Blog: “Discover just how far sexy goes” (brief review/ blurb)

On Being an Atheist Writing Religious Porn, and Extended Excerpt from ”Penitence as a Perpetual Motion Machine”: Guest Post on WWJTD?

Is Erotic Shame "Real" Shame?

This originally appeared as a guest post on Ozy Frantz’s Blog. Ozy has taken down their blog, so I am reprinting it here instead.

When we eroticize shame… is the shame “real”?

Expand that. When we eroticize powerlessness, helplessness, cruelty, punishment, power-hunger, fear… are these experiences “real”?

Bending cover
Here’s what I mean. I’ve just come out with a porn fiction book, “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More.” (Available as an eboook on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords: audiobook and print editions coming soon.) The book is, as you might have guessed from the title, pretty darned kinky: it includes dirty stories, meant to be hot and exciting and pleasurable, about fear, helplessness, cruelty, punishment, control-freakery… and shame. (In some cases they’re descriptions of consensual SM scenes; in some cases, they’re fantasies about borderline consent or non-consent.)

I’ve been promoting the book on Facebook, with excerpts. This promotion has resulted in some… conversations, with people who are unfamiliar with kink and are weirded out about how stories depicting such obviously negative experiences could possibly be considered pleasurable by anyone who’s emotionally healthy. And one person in one of those conversations made an argument I’ve seen a number of times — that the shame experienced in consensual SM scenes isn’t “real” shame.

It’s a point I’ve seen made by other kinky and pro-kinky people: SM shame isn’t “real” shame — it’s play-acting, pretend. The line from Dan Savage gets quoted sometimes (it got quoted in the Facebook conversation I’m talking about): that “BDSM is cops and robbers for grownups.” Even eroticized pain sometimes gets referred to by kinksters as “intense sensation” rather than pain.

And I started thinking: Is this true? Continue reading “Is Erotic Shame "Real" Shame?”

Is Erotic Shame "Real" Shame?