Crowdsourcing a BDSM/ Kink Resource Guide


I’m in the final stages of putting together my collection of erotic fiction — currently titled “Bending, and Other Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, and More” — and I could use some help.

I want to include a short resource guide at the end of the book, listing books, websites, forums, and other sources of information on how to do BDSM safely and consensually. But I’m a bit out of the loop these days: it’s not like when I was working at Blowfish and saw every new “how to do SM” book that came off the presses. So I’m crowdsourcing it. If you’re a practitioner of BDSM, or if you’re simply familiar with that world — what are your favorite books, websites, forums, and other sources of information on how to do BDSM safely and consensually? And are there any sources of info that you’d suggest people stay away from?

You can make suggestions in the comments here. Or, if you prefer privacy, you can email them to me, at greta (at) gretachristina (dot) com. If you want to say a few words about why you like (or don’t like) a particular source of info, that would be helpful as well. Thanks!

Comments

  1. says

    You might get a good response if you post this on fetlife.

    The problem with the internet is 10,000 contradictory opinions, since much of BDSM involves personal tastes rather than matters of fact. For example, one rigger I know published a bunch of rules for shibari that completely contradict what he does in performances…

  2. mythbri says

    Cherise Sinclair writes good BDSM erotica (M/f D/s) that emphasizes consent and safety.

    You probably would get a good response on fetlife, as Marcus said, but I’d be reluctant to cite fetlife as a resource. From what I understand there are heated discussions going on about outing abusive doms there – probably not the best beginner stuff. I didn’t stay there very long.

  3. says

    @mythbri – there are definitely deep rifts on fetlife. ;)

    Yeah, I’d only cite fetlife as a resource if it was in the context of: “I decided to ask about safety for whatever, and look at the wide spectrum of contradictory responses I got!” Perhaps as a way of illustrating the importance of doing one’s research thoroughly and not just leaping at the first answer that appears to fit.

  4. says

    Hi Greta-

    Here are some resources I’ve found useful:

    BDSM Safety and Common Sense. (a short post – very basic information.)

    Basic Guidelines for Safer Sex and SM Interactions. (pdf) via The New England Leather Alliance. (a longer, comprehensive, practical guide.)

    Safewords and checkins. (a thoughtful post.)

    Back Door Basics for Men and Women. (a short primer on anal sex for beginners.)

    Although not strictly on point, I cannot recommend highly enough a recent Pervocracy post entitled How To Have Sex On Purpose. It hits all the right notes on negotiation, communication and consent.

    Perhaps you might want to provide a BDSM glossary? If so, Wikipedia’s is surprisingly good. Here are three more good ones.

    Hope this is helpful!

  5. okstop says

    My partner and I found “The Compleat Slave” and “The Master’s Manual” somewhat useful, though as with all such books, there are parts of each that are alternately too specific to particular situations to be of general use or too generally framed to be easily applicable to any specific situation. This is the way of things. Caveat: it’s been years since I read these, so I cannot say whether I would find them equally insightful now or if they are more useful for novices.

    I have heard good things from several people about “Conquer Me” by Kacie Cunningham.

  6. says

    Via FetLife some time ago, I found a Power Point presentation by Sara Thorp. It’s called “Beyond Whips and Chains: What Medical Students Need to Know about BDSM,” and it struck me (as it were) as a decent source document.

    I sent a copy to my primary care doctor, who knew about my masochism and had expressed concerns about it. It seemed to help her navigate the issues.

    The only link I’m able to find is insanely long: http://www.amsa.org/AMSA/Files/BeyondWhipsAndChains.ppt

    – emc

  7. says

    I’ve already been beaten to some of the first places I’d reccomend.
    Fearless Press has some good articles http://www.fearlesspress.com/
    The NCSF has a resource library that touches on things like legality, health care, and some 101 stuff https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/resource-library.html

    Definitely put some caveats on Fetlife, I love a place I can keep in touch with my kinky friends and keep up to date on events but wow are there some messy things going on there right now.

  8. says

    On the subject of requests for information, if I may –

    I could use a bit of help dealing with a dumbass.

    These are her words –

    “[The state] does not owe them [prostitutes and their families] a safe way to engage in selling sex because…to participate in prostitution when there is a real, meaningful exit is to willingly participate in the belief that men should be able to buy access to our bodies–and that is wrong. If you insist on doing that despite having real options, at some point you have to face the fact that you are choosing to be vulnerable to the violence and cruelty and degradation that are absolutely inherent in prostitution”

    She is of the opinion that the only reason someone would say this –

    “Sex workers are entitled to basic human rights, including safe working conditions and medical care should every effort to provide a safe working condition tragically prove insufficient, the right to a non-hostile work environment, the right to enter and leave the industry as they so choose, and the right of final refusal regarding clientele, production, or scene. They also have the right to not be looked down upon by the rest of society for their career choice.”

    is that they have a “stake in maintaining a pool of women whom men can terrorize, torture, rape, and murder–more or less at will?”

    She claims all porn is propaganda for rape and refuses any attempts at categorizing different types of porn.

    It’s been going on 833 posts now and I still can’t get any coherent answers to questions out of her.

    Anyone happen to have any research handy for A) what percentage of porn is geared for non heterosexual male audiences, B) what percentage of porn in the US is produced legally by porn studios vs what percentage of porn is produced using underage models or others who are unable to or have not consented?

  9. Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :) says

    WithinThisMind: It sounds like you’re basically dealing with a flat-earther.

    How receptive/open-minded is the audience for this debate, if there is one (if there isn’t, I’d bail).

  10. says

    Eh, she decided to dismiss everything I was said because clearly, as I am a rape victim, I must just be absolutely hysterical and the whole debate must be triggering for me and she’s so sorry and she just hopes I’m okay.

    I more or less decided to leave it with ‘go clutch your pearls, you worthless piece of shit’. I think that pretty much summed up everything I had to say to her.

  11. Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :) says

    You know, I think that’s all that needs to be said. That’s horrifying.

  12. Greta Christina says

    WithinThisMind: IMO, when you’re debating with someone who’s that far gone, you’re not trying to persuade them — you’re trying to persuade other people who might be following the conversation. I doubt highly that this person is persuadable, and you get to decide when you’re going to bail, and how to do so gracefully when you decide to do so. But it’s worth thinking about what other people following the conversation are going to take away from it.

    Personally, I’d be strongly tempted to say something along the lines of, “If you’re blaming sex workers for any violence they’re the victims of, and if you’re using a rape victim’s rape against them in an attempt to score points in an argument, then you are doing feminism wrong. And you are doing ‘being a decent human being’ wrong. In fact, you are doing ‘not being morally repulsive’ wrong. I have nothing further to say to you.” But that’s just me.

  13. says

    Do a trade with Dan Savage – agree to write a blurb for his next book or do a guest spot on his podcast or column if he creates a list of recommendations. I’ll bet it’d be a meeting of the mutual admiration society. You two should definitely collaborate!

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