"What the HELL are these people feeling?": Cis Privilege

UPDATE: Cinderella has deleted most of the comments from this piece, including both the comments critical of her, and her own comments which were being critiqued in this piece and elsewhere. Most of them, however, have been archived in these screenshots. Thanks to A. Noyd for the link.

Zinnia Jones was tweeting about this… piece of writing, boy or girl?, written by a cis woman about trans people.

I don’t even know where to begin.

Cinderella’s post itself is bad enough, with the “What the HELL are these people feeling” astonishment, and the “she just really acted like a boy” comments about her female trans roommate, and the rigidly stereotyped ideas about gender roles. Not to mention the whole “She even liked girls. Even though she was a girl. So she was gay too.” thing. As if being a woman who likes woman made you some sort of astonishing freak of nature and called your whole gender identity into question. And, of course, there’s the entire attitude of, “I don’t understand this, so instead of doing a little homework and finding out how trans people feel about gender, I’m going to speculate out loud in my blog about what the HELL these people are feeling.”

But what really struck me was how she reacted in the comments — when a whole lot of trans people flooded in to tell her how badly she had fucked up and why. Rather than taking a step back and saying, “Whoa, I didn’t mean to step on any toes, but clearly I did, what the hell did I do wrong here,” instead Cinderella got defensive and angry; blamed the trans people for misunderstanding her and hurting her feelings; literally blamed the trans people for their own injuries and accused them of making their lives worse through their own attitudes (I wish I was kidding); insisted that trans people aren’t disadvantaged (again — wish I was kidding); patronizingly advised them on how to speak about their own experience and indeed how to experience it in the first place; and actually said they were like “little children.”

I wanted to comment on the blog post itself, but the commenting system there is cumbersome to the point of being impossible for me to use. So I’m posting my comment here instead. Note: This principle doesn’t just apply to cis people talking about trans people. It applies to white people talking about people of color; straight people talking about LGB people; men talking about women; pretty much anyone from any privileged group talking about people in a marginalized group.

*

If lots of trans people are enormously upset by what you’ve written, then maybe you screwed it up. Maybe you are marginalizing trans people, even if you didn’t mean to. Maybe they read something into your blog something that was there, even if you didn’t mean it to be. Maybe you did hurt people — actually, no “maybe” about it, clearly you did — even if you didn’t mean to.

There’s a saying among people who write about privilege: Intention is not magic. Good intentions are obviously better than bad intentions — but good intentions are not a magic wand that turn anything you say or do into gold. And they are not a magic shield that protects you from criticism when you screw up.

If you write about trans people, and a whole lot of trans people say that you screwed it up, then the chances are excellent that you screwed it up. Now is not the time to get defensive and insist that they’re getting it wrong. Now is not the time to make it all about you, and how hurt your feelings are over being misunderstood. The shit that trans people go through over their gender identity is a lot more important than your hurt feelings. Now is the time to shut up, listen, and think.

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"What the HELL are these people feeling?": Cis Privilege
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56 thoughts on “"What the HELL are these people feeling?": Cis Privilege

  1. 1

    Really, if one feels motivated to race to the keyboard and write an insightful post about Those People, where Those People are a race, gender identity, sexual orientation, or any other large grouping to which one does not belong…

    … it is probably a good idea to take a nice long shower instead.

  2. CJO
    3

    That’s a useful bit of writing, really. It’s as ingenuous a look as you’ll get of privilege.

    A reminder, perhaps, that while the true haters get most of the press, and most of the pushback, the bubble of cluelessness about others’ experiences that most “well-intentioned” privileged people live in is going to be the most difficult obstacle to clear for equality.

    (Not saying it’s the most difficult local obstacle in most LGBT peoples’ lives, for the haters are still very much with us, I’m saying in a long-term societal sense clueless privilege may end up being harder to overcome than outright hatred and fear.)

  3. 4

    I had tweeted on this because I was unable to post a comment to her blog, for whatever reason. Despicable enough that she would take a former flatmate of hers as a ‘subject’ to screed her opinions about, but what I found most obnoxious was the cisplaining, so evident in the comments, as to why we should be grateful for her condescending acceptance. The attitude is little better than the ‘savage noble’ trope of days of yore.

    I dislike call out culture and elbow smashing accusations — but there were a number of reasoned comments from the trans community that she curtly brushed aside under several assumptions: (1) she feels sorry for us, so her intentions are inherently good; (2) cis people are the final arbitrators on all that is fail or win when it comes to who gets to wear the girl-crown; and (3) any reaction on our part is a failure to communicate. (I hate that line from Cool Hand Luke: they were communicating just fine. THe problem was that the warden didn’t like what the prisoner was saying.)

    Sound familiar, Sheriff Cinderella?

  4. 5

    Ramble/Rant/Rage: Dear Cis People

    Published on Jul 17, 2012 by GenderQueer Atheist

    Don’t ASSUME you know who we are; LEARN who we are! I hope this will be my only video, directed at cis people. My focus is on GenderQueers. If you want to know something, ask. But look up stuff yourself. You’re on the interwebs; use your search engines. Spellings of 2 names mentioned: Laci Green & Zinnia Jones. Start typing.

    PS: this ought to really help you understand what it’s like to be a marginalized person with very limited resources and tremendous responsibilities. The article pertains specifically to a person with Lupus, but see it as a metaphor, will you? Remember how low-income I am, and that I also have disabilities. It’s why I can’t devote my energy into educating you, when you can be an ally all by yourself, without much effort: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-the

    Intersex Protest Forced Genital Surgery

    GenderQueer Atheist Reader
    http://paper.li/AndyTehNerd/1334406724

    GenderQueer Atheists on FaceBook
    http://www.facebook.com/groups/257889894257845/

    GenderQueer Atheists YouTube
    http://www.youtube.com/user/GenderQueerAtheists

    GenderQueer Atheists on Atheist Nexus
    http://www.atheistnexus.org/group/genderqueer-atheists

  5. 6

    I read that and found myself thinking “how can anyone be so oblivious?” Seeing how she doubled down and got increasingly condescending in the comments, I wanted to shout at her “open your eyes, look at what you’re saying, listen to what these people are trying to tell you!” Then I realised that, not so long ago, I was equally oblivious (maybe even more so – I have at least one more layer of privilege than she does). It wasn’t until about a year ago, after starting to read blogs like this one (and others at FTB), that I even became aware of my own privilege. (#FTBullies opened my eyes to my own privilege.) I still have a lot to learn and I’m still pretty oblivious about a lot of things a lot of the time, but at least I’m trying (or so I tell myself).

    I guess what I’m trying to say, is that Cinderella is not yet a lost cause. Hopefully she’ll take a step back and in a few days’ time, once the bruises to her ego have healed, she’ll start to realise that maybe her critics had a point and she might just follow some of the suggestions given to her and start to educate herself. Or maybe I’m being too optimistic.

  6. 7

    Reading the blogpost and the comments in that link made a question come to my mind:

    If those people whose gender matches their sex do not tend to feel their gender, then how is it possible to not have a gender identity? Wouldn’t it simply mean that those who think that they don’t have it because they don’t feel it, are simply falling into confusion, because their gender matches their sex?

  7. joy
    9

    I wonder if anyone had the foresight to get screenshots of the comments, since it appears that any negative comment was “removed by a blog administrator.” And that’s most of them.

    What a shame. In confusion, asking a question is a great idea. Allowing a discussion to flow from it can really help open up perspective. This, however, is an excellent example of the rhetorical questioning from privilege.

  8. 10

    She deleted every single comment, except one. Some of those comments were very helpful in trying to explain and answer her questions, and were very polite too. Ironically, the only comment she kept praises her for:

    “…trying to understand yourself and others, and learn, grow and evolve.”

    *Is amazed*

  9. 11

    I wanted to comment on the blog post itself, but the commenting system there is cumbersome to the point of being impossible for me to use.

    Greta, have you ever stopped and thought about the favt that you find incredibly difficult many things which everyone else accomplishes with ease?

    Perhaps the fault lies with you? Less laundry and banking, more edumacating yourself, perhaps?

  10. 12

    Lucifer’s Colon @ 11: Oh c’mon, that’s a lousy attempt. Not nearly long enough, and only one spelling error that I can spot. You’ve got to try harder if you want to craft a passable Poe.

  11. 15

    Janee and Maria, welcome to the concept of the memory hole. The internet has made it relatively easy for people to disappear that which they don’t like, or that which makes them look bad – particularly if they have direct control over it.

    Best hope now is that Google Cache was able to grab the page before she dropped those comments down the hole, otherwise it’ll be like they never existed.

  12. 16

    @ #15

    Oh, I know 🙂 I was just so amazed over how she obviously didn’t see the irony in deleting all comments that tried to politely inform her of the very things she claimed she didn’t understand – while keeping the only comment praising her for being so willing to understand other people.

    I mean… my irony meter just went kablooey! 😀

  13. F
    17

    As if being a woman who likes woman made you some sort of astonishing freak of nature and called your whole gender identity into question.

    Yeah, that’s just creepy ignorant people calling what they think someone else’s gender identity should be into question. They keep failing to figure out what the answers are.

  14. 20

    it appears that any negative comment was “removed by a blog administrator.” And that’s most of them.

    Clearly I was being too optimistic…

  15. 21

    I hope she thinks hard and comes round eventually. But I’m annoyed that she deleted the comments, because it sounds like they were really interesting.

    I mean, I’d always assumed that the reason I don’t subjectively “feel” my gender every much, while trans people feel strongly that theirs doesn’t fit their original bodies, is pretty much the same reason that I’m not generally aware of wearing shoes unless they don’t fit well. I wouldn’t have thought to ask if I was right about this, because it’s none of my business, but if people have been kind enough to explain it even to someone who asks so rudely, that sounds like a really good read.

  16. 23

    Hein (#21)

    Clearly I was being too optimistic…

    I think you overlooked the significance of the language Cinderella is using. She’s a relativist, albeit an inconsistent one. Consider how she tried to explain herself by saying, “I did not, and am not, trying to deny anyone elses reality as real and true for them, or invalidate anyone else’s experience.” She also seems to think opinions hold inherent value regardless of how well they reflect reality: ” I write this blog, just to air my thoughts, i say my truth, because i believe the world is better, and everyone in it, for sharing our true experiences, i really do.” Folks like her consider facts tyrannical and criticism uncivil, thus they take really poorly to being told they’re wrong.

  17. 24

    Oh hell. Obviously I’m not going to try to comment on that blog since I don’t want my comment to be deleted so here goes here:

    Maybe the reason you don’t “feel” your gender all the time is because you don’t have to think about it ever. You fit society’s view of what a girl is and how a girl acts so you don’t need to examine your gender at all.

    My gender is something I’ve had to think about. I identify as a woman but only because I don’t really care enough to explain to everyone that it’s a bit trickier than that. When I was a kid I was described as a tomboy by everyone, I hung out with mostly boys and was even the only girl on my soccer team until I tore my ACL. If I was a lesbian I’d probably be described now as “soft butch” but I’m only interested in men and I’m not entirely comfortable appropriating that label. A lot of time I do feel more like a boy than a girl. When I do “dress up” feminine it feels like a costume to just be wearing a skirt, low heels, and makeup beyond a little concealer and lip gloss. I like to fix stuff, I own more tools than my boyfriend, I hate cleaning and will put it off as long as possible, you couldn’t pay me to watch a romantic comedy and definitely not going to pick that over a movie with explosions or aliens.

    I have to think about my gender because I don’t fit the box of acceptable appearance and behavior people want to shove women into.

  18. 25

    I still don’t get it why people need to ‘get it’ before they can accept it. Deal with it, humanity is much more diverse than what your narrow, close-minded, oppressive social norms teach you.

  19. 26

    Have you seen her latest post?

    http://101-bad-dates.blogspot.com/2012/08/dont-have-cow-man.html

    It goes through a whole list of disclaimers not to be offended and then ends with this gem of victim blaming BS

    Cows who read my blog should not read into this joke any hateful, negative, or judgemental sentiments that are in fact, not there.
    If cows should do this, then it is said cows who are responsible for their own silly misery, and I would hereby like to officially state that I Don’t Create Your Feelings. You do. With your mind. So be careful what you beleive.

    Miss Prism,
    I don’t think that she will ever change her mind.

  20. 27

    A. Noyd:

    I think you overlooked the significance of the language Cinderella is using. She’s a relativist, albeit an inconsistent one. Consider how she tried to explain herself by saying, “I did not, and am not, trying to deny anyone elses reality as real and true for them, or invalidate anyone else’s experience.” She also seems to think opinions hold inherent value regardless of how well they reflect reality: ” I write this blog, just to air my thoughts, i say my truth, because i believe the world is better, and everyone in it, for sharing our true experiences, i really do.” Folks like her consider facts tyrannical and criticism uncivil, thus they take really poorly to being told they’re wrong.

    Yeah, I suppose I did. I wanted to be as charitable to her as possible, because I saw something of my (former) self in her cluelessness.

  21. 28

    I wish there was a list of insider terms on FtB Neither Wikipedia nor Merrian-Webster-on-line know the gender meaning of CIS. Had to go to Urban Dictionary on line to find it.

    If you want to grow this movement, make it easy for newbies to know what you are talking about.

  22. 29

    @28: If you type “cis gender” into Google, the very first result is this. Also, if you just go to wikipedia and search for “cis”, that article is the third one listed on the disambiguation page (which is itself the forth Google result for “cis” alone).

  23. 30

    I was born female, and ‘feel’ female… when I think about it. Most of the time I don’t feel like either gender, but having non-stereotypical behaviour made me ponder my gender identity when I was younger. Something the woman linked to clearly never had do to.

    Sorry for not fitting your stereotypes there, Cinderella. Sorry for preferring to run around playing soccer, or catching frogs, or reading during grade school recess. Sorry for thinking dinosaurs are awesome. Sorry for thinking the best part of gardening is getting dirty. Sorry for hating to clean and being the sort of cook who can manage to burn things that are cooked in water. Sorry for finding makeup abhorrent and for my family dying of shock if they see me in a skirt. Sorry for thinking my snakes are awesome pets. Sorry for being physically stronger than my male coworkers. Sorry for thinking a proper weekend getaway is camping and digging up rocks.

    Sorry for deciding that those sorts of things are perfectly ‘feminine’, because I feel female and those are things I do. Clearly I’m doing something wrong.

  24. 31

    Okay, the link to the concept of cis-whatever now has me confused. Because while I am female, and identify female, my *behaviour* is NOT considered ‘appropriate’ for my gender. Which means I’m… what? O_o

  25. 34

    (e)m: Sadly, it looks like you’re right.

    I learned that cis was the opposite of trans ages ago in the context of genetics, so I’m always a bit surprised when it’s seen as impenetrable jargon.

  26. 35

    Joel @28:

    I have found that as I start learning in a new area there is a bit of a learning curve – tough to get around. Most of the time, a simple question will get you a good answer. FWIW, I ‘got’ the cis/trans thingy based on organic chemistry, but Google will usually get you what you need to know.

  27. 36

    MissPrism @21:
    I really like your analogy of being aware of shoes. I think that idea applies to privilege in general – just one more thing I learn from FtB.

  28. 37

    What I don’t understand is the ranting angry tone of the piece. No, I don’t really understand what it is to be trans and I never will, but I don’t feel any pissed off mocking incredulity towards the entire concept.

  29. 38

    Sorry, should have been more polite. Spoken out of frustration also because I got chastised previously because I misunderstood the term ‘mansplaining’. Also I got banned from Pharangula because I didn’t know “you sucked” was a term of endearment.(snark)

    Also couldn’t thnk of the word “glossary”. It would be very convenient and welcoming to have a glossary of terms that are not commonly known right here on Ftb.

  30. 40

    Well, I got my Gender Identity 101 answer about where “cis” came from, so I don’t have to ask. Cis male, here, though not exactly bursting with double baconator manliness.

    Thankfully, with all the stuff I’ve read about discrimination based on race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, and how privilege can blind a well-intentioned person like me, I’ve already intuited that I’d best be careful talking about non-cis gender identity. I know enough to know that I’m ignorant.

  31. 41

    Eidolon @ 36:

    MissPrism @21:
    I really like your analogy of being aware of shoes. I think that idea applies to privilege in general – just one more thing I learn from FtB.

    I agree, MissPrism’s shoe analogy works really well. It’s similar to how I, as a white person in the midwest USA, have the luxury and privilege of not having to think much about race if I don’t want to – it fits comfortably, nothing is poking me or raising blisters so it’s easy to ignore, as if it weren’t there.

    And I agree with your other point too. I had some concept of privilege before FtB, but I have to say I have learned so much in the past year from reading the blogs on this network.

  32. 43

    Kagerato @ 42

    Your advice is noted, but think about how useful it might be for a newcomer before offering it. A note or link on a sidebar would be helpful.

    But thanks for the link.

  33. 44

    I find it highly entertaining and disgusting that in her follow-up post, she compared trans people to cows, and compared the condition of “being trans” to mad cow disease. Before reading that post, I thought perhaps she could be convinced. Now I’m fairly sure she will never come around to anything that doesn’t pat her on the head and assure her that she meant well, after all!

    I am shocked that anyone could call this woman a feminist (if you look a couple entries before the one in question, someone said they were happy to see “feminist themes” in her blog). Few people are less feminist than her! It is a great example of how most people who are, even unwittingly, part of the status quo, are blind to the fact that because they meet the requirements of Normal, they have certain benefits that others do not. She’s female, so you’d think she’d understand a bit more, given that women also live in a world that fundamentally does not understand them, and does not want to understand them, and does its very best to ignore their voices.

  34. 45

    I have never fully understood the position of transgendered people. However, I have always felt that my lack of understanding was a shortcoming on my part, like any thoughtless act of privilege I may have committed in my life is a shortcoming on my part and not on the part of un-privileged people.

    I can’t understand pride in ignorance.

  35. 46

    If those people whose gender matches their sex do not tend to feel their gender, then how is it possible to not have a gender identity? Wouldn’t it simply mean that those who think that they don’t have it because they don’t feel it, are simply falling into confusion, because their gender matches their sex?

    Can someone explain this meme to me? I genuinely don’t feel a strong sense of what people describe as “gender identity”, as any kind of internal thing rather than as a framework imposed on my interactions with society by its expectations, and which I notice being frustrating and restrictive more often than not. I’m aware that many or most other people – both cis and trans – feel quite strongly about theirs, and I don’t condemn them for it – is THAT what’s being criticized? Because I really don’t see why, otherwise, why people keep referring to an experience I have as if it’s intrinsically threatening or defective.

  36. CPS
    47

    Azkyroth

    Folks are making a blanket criticism of those who claim to not have a definite gender identity because the vast majority of the time this claim arises it is made by cis people attempting to use their lack of experience to undermine the legitimacy of the experiences of trans folks (or if not actively attempting to undermine it, airing their ignorance of the subject). It is far less common to come across someone who identifies as more androgynous making this claim so there is some tendency to forget that overlook that possibility. It is a mistake, but a totally understandable one. When 99% the utterances of statement X are made by twits, then when you hear it you will tend to assume that when you hear X you are talking to a twit.

    That said, even if one is more androgynous, you may notice a certain incongruity between your identity and your assigned sex. For example, does it make your day when people read you as something other than your assigned sex? Does getting placed in a group or team with other members of your assigned sex piss you off? Do you prefer to keep your assigned sex private when possible?

  37. 48

    Cinderella posted a few new responses to show off how persistent she is in her cluelessness and to make sure everyone knows it’s all about her. This gem could go into the dictionary under the definition of “irony”:

    I cannot and do not legitimise or deligitimise anyone elses feelings and experiences.

    If you got that impressions from my blog, you misinterpreted it.

    Yes, she says the first line and follows it immediately with the second. And then this made me want to hurl:

    I will go and read everyone’s comments again, and try to ignore the purely hateful ones, and listen to your opinions. purely because I feel you need it, for your healing process. I was never against hearing you, I was against the attack you put on me, for saying something I did not say.

    Can you imagine how horrible it would be for someone to label you a racist, and then persecute you for it, when you have no racist feelings inside you, and in fact are intentionally compassionate about the issue.

    See, you ungrateful trans people, she’s there trying to heal you with her magical listening powers. You can’t possibly imagine how terrible it is to be persecuted the way you’re persecuting her! Ugh. While all the rest of her smarmy presumption bothers me, I especially hate the idea that speaking out against prejudice and social disadvantage is a sign of being broken or unwell—that the problem lies not with society but with the speaker’s inability to just “let go of [their] pain.”

    If only she was open to actually learning something, all the effort she put into being less than useless might have helped make the world a better place.

  38. 49

    I know there are some people out there with a broken foot, but I can’t really understand what they’re feeling. I closed my eyes and really tried to imagine what it was like for my foot to hurt, but I couldn’t do it. Then I tried to imagine what it was like to not have any pain in my feet, but I didn’t really feel anything with that either. I just felt like I normally feel. Therefore, people who claim to have broken feet aren’t really in pain.

    And what’s up with some of them getting around on crutches? From my understanding, people with broken feet aren’t supposed to walk

  39. 50

    Azkyroth,

    I’m another person who just doesn’t have a strong sense of gender, and who struggled mightily with gender presentation as a child. My natural interests tend to skew science and sci-fi and philosophical. I had huge problems relating with my peers as a kid because my brain works slightly differently, and people would tell me I was too intelligent, direct, physically tough and arrogant to be a girl. (I don’t think I really was arrogant, but I always failed at ‘wrapping people around my finger’ which is apparently a mandatory skill for a female child – I was introverted and depressed and never learned how to dress or use basic etiquette until I was 25 or so, and I still haven’t mastered the art of batting my eyelashes sweetly to make people feel strong and helpful. If that’s what it takes, I’ll do things myself, thankyouverymuch!) I used to want to be a boy, not because I wanted to be a boy or thought there was something wrong with me-as-a-girl, but because I thought I’d naturally fit that expression pattern better and people would just leave me alone for a change.
    .
    At this point in time I would say I’m a cis woman, but only because I worked my ass off trying to feel happy and passable as a cis woman. I learned how to not trigger people’s ‘something wrong with THIS one’ alarms while still being able to express myself, my interests and my intelligence, and it was friggin’ hard. Still don’t have much of a sense of gender identity – I’m not particularly fond of the label ‘woman,’ nor do I feel a particular attraction for the label ‘man’. I still like getting confused for a guy, but I lay down a mighty smackdown on people who try to compliment me for being ‘so [insert ‘masculine’ trait] that I’m not really a woman.’ I dress femmeish, because I have a voluptuous body and I haven’t found a more androgynous look that works with that. Part of me hopes one day to be able to spend enough time in the gym and kitchen to lean down considerably (because I LOVE the wiry look) but that’s probably not going to happen and in the mean time I like dressing up my body so it looks good. Even though it still feels like dressing up a doll and not ‘inhabiting myself.’
    .
    I’m almost 30. For the first time in my life I feel I can manage as a woman, and for the first time in my life I don’t think I’d be better of as a man, because I don’t want to spend the time learning all the guy codes (even though I probably wouldn’t FEEL like a man, either) – learning the woman codes was hard enough. That doesn’t mean I haven’t struggled, and that doesn’t mean my gender fits me like a well-made shoe. I wish ‘I just don’t FEEL like my gender!’ wasn’t co-opted by annoying and non-introspective people all the time. I think attachment-to-gender is a legitimate spectrum too, from people who are attached to a gender (either the one they have, cis, or the ‘opposite,’ trans) and people who simply aren’t attached to a gender. They might fall into one of the accepted expression modes easily (and if they also have compassion fail they become twits) or they might struggle and find a way, but still don’t feel like a gender.

  40. 51

    Folks are making a blanket criticism of those who claim to not have a definite gender identity because the vast majority of the time this claim arises it is made by cis people attempting to use their lack of experience to undermine the legitimacy of the experiences of trans folks (or if not actively attempting to undermine it, airing their ignorance of the subject). It is far less common to come across someone who identifies as more androgynous making this claim so there is some tendency to forget that overlook that possibility. It is a mistake, but a totally understandable one. When 99% the utterances of statement X are made by twits, then when you hear it you will tend to assume that when you hear X you are talking to a twit.

    That’s more or less what I thought/hoped. The issue isn’t so much “I don’t have a strong sense of internal gender identification” as when it’s followed by “so WTF are trans people complaining about?” >.>

    (Which I suppose I kind of did, once. This resulted in my being informed that the fact that I can honestly say that if I woke up in a body of the opposite sex the next day my concerns would be “well shit, did my clothes change to fit too?” and “are people I know going to be surprised by this?” and “how fast will I unlearn which restroom to go into?” rather than a deep sense of personal loss and confusion was not typical even among people who had actually ever had a single critical thought in their lives about societal messages about gender. And, well, I learned (and hopefully, the person who raised that scenario as a question loaded the opposite way learned too). >.>)

    That said, even if one is more androgynous, you may notice a certain incongruity between your identity and your assigned sex. For example, does it make your day when people read you as something other than your assigned sex? Does getting placed in a group or team with other members of your assigned sex piss you off? Do you prefer to keep your assigned sex private when possible?

    Not…really. I present as my assigned sex mainly because it’s easy and in most respects I don’t have strong feelings about it. I prefer, albeit not strongly, to keep my assigned sex ambiguous or unstated in non face-to-face situations, and…well, as noted above, if I woke up in a body of the sex opposite my assigned…

    (Being placed in a group consisting solely of members of my assigned sex does bother me because of particular pathological social dynamics that tend to come with it – it’s a practical matter, rather than an identity matter).

  41. 53

    She did start allowing comments again, and seems to be trying to figure it out. She has some other interesting thoughts – I liked her blog entry on what she sees about the dynamic of the marriages around her.

  42. ben
    55

    Wow, very interesting. But one point of your logic is suspect:

    “If lots of trans people are enormously upset by what you’ve written, then maybe you screwed it up. Maybe you are marginalizing trans people, even if you didn’t mean to. Maybe they read something into your blog something that was there, even if you didn’t mean it to be. Maybe you did hurt people — actually, no “maybe” about it, clearly you did — even if you didn’t mean to.”

    If lots of Republicans, or religious people, or global-warming denialists, etc., are enormously upset by what you’ve written, then maybe you screwed it up, or maybe they are offended by the truth. In this case you’re surely onto something, but the above paragraph is a terrible argument.

  43. 56

    Awesome, disagreement on unsettled theory is now a personal attack.

    If queers relied on others to legitimate our self conception, we’d never have rioted at Stonewall or Compton’s under much more challenging circumstances.

    To the play date and self esteem class generations, they cannot be whole persons unless others legitimate their self-conceptions to make them whole. This reliance on others for legitimation reflects a lack of confidence and sense of self.

    Most gays, for instance, look askance at attempts by gender theorists to define our homosexuality in terms of gender. But most of us are too busy being gay, sucking cock and fucking, to really get worked up about how misplaced that feeble that effort by others to impose their terms on our self definition is. Many of us see the genderiztion of queer politics as a big game of dress up. In a game of dress up, not everyone is always going to pass with any arbitrary person. Deal with it.

    You see, we get to live our lives as gays as we see fit irrespective of however anyone else wants to define our reality for us. As I was once walking down a street in Mexico City in the 1990s, and a trans puta walked out of a doorway into the blinding sunlight and declared to all “¿Soy puta y que?” I’m a whore and so what?

    That one Mexican tranny had more balls than the entirety of the gender theorists demonstrated under much more amenable conditions. Grow a pair.

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