Porn, Relationships, and What It's Reasonable to Ask For

This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog.

Deep inside annie sprinkle
When you’re beginning a relationship, is it reasonable to ask your partner not to watch porn?

Yesterday, I posted a column here about porn. I was writing in response to an advice column by Scarleteen, an answer to a letter from a young woman who was upset because her boyfriend watched porn. I posed the question, “In a monogamous relationship, is it reasonable to expect your partner not to watch porn?” And I concluded that it was not. I concluded that people have the right to watch whatever they want when they’re by themselves and on their own time, and that asking a partner not to watch porn is no more defensible then asking them not to watch reality TV or read true crime. I concluded that trying to regulate your partner’s private cultural pleasures — pornographic or otherwise — is like trying to regulate their imagination.

Scarleteen logo
But some readers thought I’d misread Scarleteen’s advice. They said Scarleteen’s point wasn’t that people have the right to ask their existing partners not to watch porn… but rather that if someone objects to porn, they should spell that out at the beginning of a relationship. And on re-reading the Scarleteen column, I think they’re right. In my defense, the situation I was writing about was, in fact, the situation described in the letter — dealing with an existing partner who watched porn, and trying to decide what to say to them. But I do think I misread Scarleteen’s intention in their response, and for that, I apologize.

So now I’m going to address the position Scarleteen took: that people who object to porn and are beginning to date someone should spell out their position early, and should state clearly that they don’t want to be involved with someone who watches it.

And I’m basically going to stand by my original position.

Which is that this is an unreasonable, overly controlling thing for an adult to ask another adult. It’s somewhat less unreasonable than asking it of a partner you’re already involved with, someone who’s already gotten emotionally invested in your relationship before you dropped your “It’s me or the porn” ultimatum. But I still think this is seriously pushing the line between “reasonable negotiation of desires and limits in a relationship,” and “controlling attempt to regulate not only your partner’s behavior, but their imagination.”

Here’s why.

Like I did in the previous column, I’m going to take this question out of an erotic context, to give it some perspective. (I am, however, going to keep it gendered for the moment, since much of the previous conversation was about gender and sexism.)

Monday_Night_Football
Let’s say a single straight woman has objections to televised sports. She thinks they’re immoral, or politically objectionable, or she simply finds them upsetting. (Which some women do — as do some men.) And let’s say she tells all her potential partners, “I just don’t want to be involved with someone who watches sports. Ever. Even when I’m not around. Even on their own time. Even if it’s just when they’re hanging around with their friends. If we’re going to get involved, you have to be someone who doesn’t like watching sports on TV, and you have to promise never to do so.”

Would that be a reasonable thing to ask?

I would argue No.

And I’d argue it pretty darned strongly.

Remote_control
At my most sympathetic and calm, my response to that would be, “You should know that an awful lot of men watch sports on TV. And plenty of those men don’t fit the stereotype of the sports-obsessed Neanderthal. You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about what kind of man likes to watch sports on TV, and whether those men could share your basic values — assumptions that really aren’t warranted. If you’re going to rule out all men who ever like to watch sports on TV, you’re going to limit yourself to a very small dating pool indeed… without a very strong or reality-based reason for doing so. You might want to rethink this. You might want to look more carefully at why you feel so strongly about sports — and at whether there might be a better way to handle those feelings than refusing to be involved with anyone who enjoys them.”

If I were feeling less sympathetic and calm, my response would be, “Are you out of your mind? What difference does it make what your partner watches on TV when you’re not around? How is that any of your business? Again — you seem to be making a lot of assumptions about what kind of man likes to watch sports on TV… assumptions that really aren’t warranted. What on earth makes you think that’s a reasonable thing for one adult to ask another?”

And frankly, if I were dating that woman, I’d end things as soon as I could after that conversation — even if I didn’t like sports. I’d see it as a huge red flag that she had a very controlling side of her. I’d see it as a huge red flag that she was a seriously insecure person — one who dealt with her insecurities by expecting her partner to tiptoe around them. I’d be out the door as fast as I could — even if I never planned to watch another sporting event in my life.

Why should porn be different?

Watching sex
If watching porn didn’t carry the stigma that it does — if any and all pursuits of sexual pleasure didn’t carry the stigma that they do — would we see these two situations as any different? If it weren’t the case that sports are a generally accepted cultural activity and porn is emphatically not, would we even be having this conversation? If there weren’t a stigma around porn, would anyone seriously consider asking their partner never to watch it… and if there weren’t shame around porn, would anyone who was asked not to watch it take the request seriously?

Now. To be fair, it’s certainly true that in relationships, we get a few “I know I’m being irrational, but I feel strongly about this, so can you please just humor me?” free passes. I think we do, anyway. But when we ask for those free passes, I think we need to acknowledge that that’s what we’re doing. I think we need to acknowledge that we’re asking for something unreasonable, above and beyond the call of duty — and not act as if we have the moral high ground.

And we need to recognize that not everyone is going to say Yes. We need to recognize that a lot of smart, thoughtful, decent people are going to turn us down. Especially when the activity we’re asking our partners to forgo is something that’s both ridiculously common and generally harmless.

Like watching sports on TV.

Or watching porn.

Polka dot underwear
Does my hypothetical woman have the right to ask her potential partners not to watch sports on TV, even when she’s not around? Sure, she has the right to ask. We have the right to ask for pretty much anything. We have the right to ask our potential relationship partners to not smoke, to tie us up on a semi- regular basis, to take Argentine tango lessons, to watch the entire DVD set of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” in a one-weekend marathon, to wear polka dotted underwear every Friday without fail.

But does that make it a reasonable thing to ask?

Is “don’t ever watch sports on TV, even when I’m not around” a reasonable thing for one adult to ask of another? Is it reasonable to expect that people will say Yes? Is it reasonable to expect people to even take this request seriously?

I don’t think so.

There are lots of things that we have the right to do, which are still not right or reasonable for us to do. We tend to make that mistake a lot: the mistake of thinking that because we have the right to do something, we should therefore just charge on in and do it. It’s not clear thinking. We have the right to scream bigoted epithets on the street corner, too. That doesn’t make it right or reasonable to do it.

Now.

Dworkin pornography
I will qualify all this by adding: If someone is very firm in their anti-porn position — if they’ve thought it through carefully after being exposed to many sides of the debate about it, and their feelings against it are still as strong as ever — then yes, they should warn their partners up front that this is the case. I don’t think it’s a reasonable thing for them to ask… but reasonable or not, if it’s a dealbreaker for them, then by all means, they should ask it. If I were dating someone who felt this way, I sure as hell would want to be warned upfront, before I’d invested a lot of time and emotional energy in the relationship. I’d want to run screaming sooner rather than later.

But here’s the thing. In this particular letter, in the letter to Scarleteen that started this whole conversation, I did not get that impression at all. Nothing about this letter gave me the impression that it was from a confirmed, hard-core anti-porn feminist who was familiar with feminist arguments in favor of porn and had rejected them. Everything about it seemed to be from a young person who was upset by porn, and who ascribed much her of her upset to the supposed sexism of porn… without ever really thinking about it carefully, and without ever being exposed to feminism that enjoys and supports porn. (Scarleteen seems to have gotten the same impression, since they made sure to tell her that being anti-porn wasn’t the only way to be feminist, and they provided links to a wide variety of feminist writings on porn.)

So my advice to her would not be, “If you’re opposed to porn, to the point where you’re not willing to be involved with someone who ever watches it, you need to spell that out early in a relationship.”

Richard kern action
My advice would be, “If you’re opposed to porn, to the point where you’re not willing to be involved with someone who ever watches it, you need to seriously rethink whether that’s a reasonable thing for one adult to ask another. If you’re assuming that a shared opposition to porn means you’ll have shared values about sex and gender and politics, you need to seriously rethink that assumption. You need to be aware that there are a lot of pro-porn feminists in the world — women and men both — and that opposition to porn isn’t the default feminist position. You need to be aware that an awful lot of men watch porn, and it doesn’t automatically make them sexist objectifiers of women. You need to be aware that refusing to be involved with any man who watches porn is going to seriously limit your dating opportunities — and is likely going to rule out a fair number of men who might otherwise be great for you. You need to be aware that asking someone to limit what they do and don’t watch when they’re not with you is likely to come across as insecure and controlling… even to people who share your basic tastes. And you need to be aware that since there’s so much shame and stigma around porn, a lot of men aren’t going to feel comfortable standing up for their right and desire to watch it, and you may not get a straight answer about it. You might want to think about whether there’s a better way to deal with your insecurities than asking your potential partners to never even look at erotic photos or videos of other women.

“And if, after all of that, you’re still opposed to porn, to the point where you’re not willing to be involved with someone who ever watches it — then yes, you need to spell that out early in a relationship. But you need to be aware that you’re asking for a lot. And you need to not take the moral high ground about it.”

Being a feminist means, among other things, recognizing people’s right to sexual autonomy. Women’s and men’s. If you’re going to deal with your bad feelings about porn by expecting your partners to forgo a private sexual activity that doesn’t involve you in any way, you need to consider whether that’s really consistent with your feminism.

Porn, Relationships, and What It's Reasonable to Ask For
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New Fishnet Story: "For Loki"

Fishnet logo
We had a few more rounds and then went to Room 8. The room had no sink to wash the dirt from my nails. Not even a toilet. Just a bottle of disinfectant lotion on the nightstand along with a roll of paper towels. The wastebasket overflowed.

She asked me what I wanted.

“My dog back.”

“What?”

“I need to be held, and then I want to smack your ass.”

She told me the price and I paid it. Keeping the big bills out of view.

*

That’s an excerpt from the latest story on Fishnet, the online erotic fiction magazine I’m editing: For Loki, by Devin Hansen. To read more, read the rest of the story. (Not for anyone under 18.) Enjoy!

New Fishnet Story: "For Loki"

Atheist Meme of the Day: "First Cause" is a Terrible Argument for God

Scarlet letter
Today’s Atheist Meme of the Day. Pass this on; or don’t; or edit it as you see fit; or make up your own. Enjoy!

“Everything has to have a cause, therefore there must be a God” is a terrible argument for religion. If everything has to have a cause — what caused God? And if God either always existed or came into being out of nothing — why can’t that be true for the universe? Pass it on: if we say it enough times to enough people, it may get across.

Atheist Meme of the Day: "First Cause" is a Terrible Argument for God

Can Watching Porn Be Cheating?

This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog.

Porn
In a monogamous relationship, is it reasonable to expect your partner to not watch porn?

There was a recent letter to Scarleteen, the sex advice and information site for teenagers and young people. In this letter, the querant was upset because her boyfriend (a) watched porn, and (b) would soon be going on a road trip with his buddies in which he might be getting lap dances. The querant was upset about this — partly because she was a feminist who thought these activities were sexist, and partly because it triggered insecurities about her own body and made her feel inadequate.

Scarleteen’s reply? Feminism doesn’t automatically mean you’re anti-porn — there’s a wide range of feminist views about pornography — and enjoying porn doesn’t automatically make you sexist. When it comes to the details of your relationship and the agreements you make about sexual activity outside it — from porn/ lap dances/ other sexual entertainment to flat-out non-monogamy — you need to decide what would be your ideal, what would be on your “absolutely not” list, and what you’re willing to compromise on. And you need to recognize that your partner has as much right to their version of this list as you do to yours — and then see if you can negotiate a common ground.

Which sounds perfectly reasonable at first.

And then I started thinking about it.

Scarleteen logo
Normally I adore Scarleteen, and recommend them unreservedly as a source of sex info and advice. And I feel a bit churlish calling them out on this one, since I found out about it because they were kind enough to link to me in their “wide range of feminist views of porn” section. If their advice had been about almost any other form of sexual activity, I would have been right there with them. And when it comes to the lap dances, I think their perspective is valid.

But when it comes to porn, I think they missed the boat.

I’m going to go out on a limb here:

I don’t think anyone has the right to expect their partner not to watch porn.

Sex for one
Why not? Well, let me put it this way. Do people have the right to expect their partners not to masturbate? Or, for that matter, do people have the right to expect their partners not to watch reality TV or read true crime? On their own time, when they don’t have any obligations and their partner isn’t around?

And if not — then why on earth would anyone have the right to expect their partner not to watch porn?

Even in a very close, seriously committed relationship, people have some basic rights to privacy and autonomy. What they do all by themselves, on their own time, in ways that don’t have any significant impact on anybody else — that is entirely their own damn business. Trying to regulate your partner’s porn watching is like trying to regulate what they read, what movies they watch, what art they see. No — it’s not like that. It is that. That is exactly what it is. The fact that the content of the writing or the movies or the art is sexual is irrelevant. Trying to regulate your partner’s cultural pleasures is like trying to regulate their imagination. And that’s just as true of pornographic cultural pleasures — and the sexual imagination.

There are some obvious exceptions. If your partner’s porn-watching is seriously affecting your sex life? If their porn is making them dissatisfied with you, or is creating unreasonable expectations about what sex and bodies are supposed to be like? If they’re watching porn to the exclusion of having sex with you? Or if they’re watching porn so much that it’s interfering with their personal or professional life, or is making them spend themselves into serious financial trouble? That’s different.

American-idol
But “I feel threatened and insecure when my partner watches porn, therefore I have the right to expect them to stop”? I don’t see it. I mean, would it be reasonable to expect your partner not to watch “American Idol” because it made you feel threatened and insecure about your own singing ability? Even if your partner loved your singing, and made that clear in word and deed, and continued singing with you as much as they ever did?

And if not — then why is porn any different?

If you feel insecure and bad about your body and your sexuality — I completely sympathize. I’ve been there, I’m still there sometimes, and it sucks. But there are better ways of dealing with that insecurity and inadequacy than expecting your partner to forgo private, independent activities that don’t involve anyone else, and that have nothing to do with you. There are reasonable compromises that we can ask of our partners in our relationships. This is not one of them.

(Follow-up to this piece appears tomorrow.)

Can Watching Porn Be Cheating?

Atheist Meme of the Day: Government Should Stay Out of Religion

Scarlet letter
Today’s Atheist Meme of the Day. Pass this on; or don’t; or edit it as you see fit; or make up your own. Enjoy!

Government has no business endorsing any position on religion — including the position that religion in general is a good idea. When government endorses one religious belief, it makes second-class citizens of those with different beliefs — and of those with no beliefs at all. Pass it on: if we say it enough times to enough people, it may get across.

Atheist Meme of the Day: Government Should Stay Out of Religion

Old and Improved: Long-Term Sex and the Myth of the Slow Decline

Please note: This piece discusses my personal sex life, in a certain amount of detail. Family members and others who don’t want to read about that, please don’t read this one.

Old_stairway
When you’ve been involved with someone for many years, does having sex with them become a chore? A duty? Like cleaning the toilet?

Via Pharyngula, we have a charming piece of marital advice from Christian marriage advisor Mark Gungor. The gist: Couples who have been married a long time shouldn’t expect sex to be as exciting and passionate and emotional as it was in the early days. They should expect it to become safe and comfortable and unexciting. But they should go ahead and have sex anyway — because it’ll feel reasonably good even though it won’t be as great as it used to be, because it’ll be good for the marriage, and because it’s one of your basic marital duties. The money quote:

As I said, sometimes sex is just sex; it’s what you do when you are married. Just like cleaning the toilet is what you do to keep your house clean… and I bet you don’t have this great desire or huge emotional connection to scrubbing the porcelain! [Bold in original – GC] You do it because it needs to be done and that’s the way it is with married sex… it does need to be done! It’s the glue that God gave us to bond us to one another. The bible is very clear that it is your responsibility as a spouse.

There are so many different directions I could go in on this one, I don’t even know where to begin. (Although screaming and tearing my hair out would be a good start.) I could talk about how Gungor utterly fails to talk about how long-married couples could make their sex lives more exciting… and instead, encourages them to settle for what amounts to a lifetime of mutual mercy-fucks. I could talk about the profoundly screwed-up gender assumptions in this piece — the assertion that “Women, more often than men, get hung up on this one and think they have to have all these warm and fuzzy emotions to feel like they can get physical with their husbands” [again, bold in original – GC], and the notion of “chick flicks being a huge culprit” in creating unrealistic expectations of marital sex. (As if there’s something patently stupid about expecting warm emotions during sex with your spouse — and as if men never have unrealistic expectations about sex.) I could talk about this pattern of hard-core Christian marriage advisors giving advice that’s almost right, advice that with a little tweaking could be halfway decent… but that, because of their profoundly messed-up assumptions about gender and relationships and religion and whatnot, goes completely, hideously, would- be- laughable- if- it- weren’t- so- desperately- sad wrong. (A place I’ve gone in the past, and thus don’t feel a compelling need to re-visit.) I could talk about how yes, you don’t always need to be in the mood for sex when you start, as long as you’re willing to get into the mood as things get going — and how this still doesn’t translate as sex being a chore or a duty. I could even beg Gungor, for the sweet sake of fuck, if he’s going to compare sex to a household chore, could he please make it vacuuming or laundry or something less disgusting than cleaning the toilet?

But today, I want to go someplace else.

I want to talk about the assumption Gungor makes without even thinking, the assumption that forms the foundation for everything else he writes in this piece… an assumption that’s very, very common, not just among Bible-thumping marriage advisors, but in the culture at large.

It’s the assumption that, when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, the sex just naturally becomes less exciting. It’s the assumption that of course sex is passionate and intense and highly charged in the early days of a relationship… and that, of course, as the years wear on, sex is going to become less exciting and passionate, and more routine and predictable. There’s no use fighting it. That’s just the way it is.

*

This begins my new piece on the Blowfish Blog, Old and Improved: Long-Term Sex and the Myth of the Slow Decline. To find out more about this assumption that sex in long-term relationships will always slide inexorably into unexciting routine — and why I think it’s a load of dingo’s kidneys — read the rest of the piece. (And if you feel inspired to comment here, please consider cross-posting your comment to the Blowfish Blog — they like comments there, too.) Enjoy!

Old and Improved: Long-Term Sex and the Myth of the Slow Decline

Atheist Meme of the Day: Treat Your Personal Experience Just Like Anyone Else's

Scarlet letter
Today’s Atheist Meme of the Day. Pass this on; or don’t; or edit it as you see fit; or make up your own. Enjoy!

As vivid as personal experience can feel, if we’re going to treat it as evidence of a hypothesis, we can’t give it any more weight than anyone else’s experience. And that includes religious experience. Our intuition is important, but it’s biased, and we have to step back from it and view it like we would anyone else’s. Pass it on: if we say it enough times to enough people, it may get across.

Atheist Meme of the Day: Treat Your Personal Experience Just Like Anyone Else's

Why "Life Has To Have Been Designed" Is a Terrible Argument for God's Existence

This piece was originally published on AlterNet.

Design
“Just look around you. Look at life, and the universe, and everything. Doesn’t it seem like it had to have been designed?”

A lot of arguments for religion are very bad indeed. A lot of arguments for religion aren’t even arguments: they’re deflections, excuses for why the believer isn’t making an argument, bigoted insults, expressions of wishful thinking, complaints that atheists are mean bad people to even ask for an argument, heartfelt wishes that atheists would just shut up.

But some believers do take the question “Why do you believe in God?” seriously. Some believers don’t want to believe just out of blind faith or wishful thinking; they care about whether the things they believe are true, and they think that the question “What evidence do you have to support this belief?” is a valid one. And they think they have good answers for it. They think they have positive evidence for their spiritual beliefs, and they’re happy to explain that evidence and defend it.

The argument from design — the argument that life had to have been designed, because it just looks so much like it was designed — leads the list of these answers. According to Michael Shermer’s How We Believe, the argument from design is the single most common reason that religious believers give for why they believe.

So since these people are taking atheists’ questions about their religion seriously, I want to return the favor, and take their religious answer seriously.

And I want to talk about why this is really, really not a good answer. At all. Even a little bit.

Have You Heard Of This Darwin Fellow?

The argument from design argues that the evidence for God lies in the seemingly inexplicable complexity and functionality and balance of life: of individual life forms, of specific biological organs and systems, of the ecosystem itself. “Look at the eye!” the argument goes. “Look at an ant colony! Look at a bat’s sonar! Look at symbiotic relationships between species! Look at the human brain! They work so well! They do such astonishing things! Are you trying to tell me that these things just… happened? How can you possibly explain all that without a designer?”

Charles_Darwin
Not to be snarky, but: Have you heard of this Darwin fellow?

I’m assuming that I’m not talking to creationists here. Creationists definitely do not count as people who care about reason and evidence and whether what they believe is consistent with reality. I’m assuming that I’m talking here to reasonably educated people, people who accept the basic reality of the theory of evolution… but who still think that God had to have been involved in it somehow. I’m assuming that I’m talking to people who understand that the theory of evolution is supported by a massive body of evidence from every relevant field of science (and from some that you might not think of as relevant)… but who still think that evolution, while a jolly clever idea, is still not quite sufficient to explain the complexity and diversity and exquisite high functioning of biological life.

To those people, I say: You really need to study evolution a little more carefully.

Evolutionary_tree
The theory of evolution is completely sufficient to explain the complexity and diversity and exquisite high functioning of biological life. That’s exactly what it does. The whole point of evolutionary theory is that it explains exactly how life came to be the complex and amazingly balanced web of interconnections that it is, with species beautifully adapted to their environments — not through design, but through natural selection and descent with modification. It explains it beautifully, and elegantly, and with no need for any supernatural designer to explain anything. Descent with modification; the survival and reproduction of life forms who are best able to survive and reproduce; great heaping gobs of time. That’s all it takes. (Here’s a good primer on what evolution is and how it works; for a more detailed explanation, you can check out Why Evolution Is True by Jerry A. Coyne, or The Greatest Show On Earth: The Evidence for Evolution by Richard Dawkins, or Evolution: What the Fossils Say and Why It Matters by Donald R. Prothero, or… oh, you get the idea.) The more familiar you become with evolution, the more you understand that it is more than sufficient to explain what seems at first glance to be design in biological life.

And in fact, biological life is an excellent argument against God or a designer.

Why? Because so much of this supposed “design” of life is so ridiculously piss-poor.

The Three Stooges School of Design

Knee
Yes, there are many aspects of biological life that astonish with their elegance and function. But there are many other aspects of biological life that astonish with their clumsiness, half-assedness, inefficiency, “fixed that for you” jury-rigs, pointless superfluities, glaring omissions, laughable failures, and appalling, mind-numbing brutality. (Here’s a very entertaining short list.) I mean… sinuses? Blind spots? External testicles? Backs and knees and feet shoddily warped into service for bipedal animals? (She said bitterly, getting up to do her physical therapy on her bad knee.) Human birth canals barely wide enough to let the baby’s skull pass… and human babies born essentially premature because if they stayed in utero any longer they’d kill their mothers coming out? (Which sometimes they do anyway?) A vagus nerve that travels from the neck down through the chest only to land back up in the neck… travelling ten to fifteen feet in the case of giraffes? Digger wasps laying their eggs in the living bodies of caterpillars… and stinging said caterpillars to paralyze but not kill them, so the caterpillars die a slow death and can nourish the wasps’ larvae with their living bodies? The process of evolution itself… which has brutal, painful, violent death woven into its every fiber?

You’re really saying that all of this was designed, on purpose, by an all-powerful God who loves us?

Origin of species
Evolution looks all this epic fail, and explains it neatly and thoroughly. In the theory of evolution, living things don’t have to be perfectly or elegantly “designed” to flourish. All that matters is that they be functional enough to survive and reproduce, and to do so more effectively than their competitors. In fact, in the theory of evolution, not only is there no expectation that the “designs” be perfect or elegant — there is every expectation that they wouldn’t be, since every new generation has to be a minor adaptation on the previous one, and there’s no way to wipe the slate clean and start over. And the comfort or happiness of living things matters not in the slightest bit to the process of evolution… unless it somehow enhances the ability of that living thing to survive and reproduce.

The argument from design looks at all this epic fail, and answers, “Ummm… mysterious ways?”

Before and After Science

If we didn’t know about evolution, the argument from design might have some validity. Even Richard Dawkins, hard-assed atheist that he is, has acknowledged that atheism, while still logically tenable before Darwin, became a lot more intellectually fulfilling afterwards.

But once you know about evolution — not just about Darwin, but about the rich and thorough, broad-ranging and finely-detailed understanding of life that evolution has blossomed into in the 150 years since “On The Origin of Species” — the argument from design collapses like a house of cards in a hurricane.

Why_evolution_is_true
The theory of evolution provides a powerful, beautiful, consistent explanation for the appearance of design in biological life, one that can not only explain the past but predict the future. And it’s supported by an overwhelming body of evidence from every relevant field of science, from paleontology to microbiology to epidemiology to anatomy to genetics to geology to physics to… you get the point. The argument from design explains nothing that evolution can’t explain better. It has massive, gaping holes. It has no predictive power whatsoever. And it has not a single scrap of positive evidence supporting it: not one piece of evidence suggesting the intervention of a designer at any point in the process. All it has to support it is the human brain’s tendency to see intention and design even where none exists, leading to the vague feeling on the part of believers that life had to have been designed because… well… because it just looks that way.

And if “it just looks that way” is the only argument you can make for why life was designed, you’re going to have to find a better argument.

Also in this series:
Why “Everything Has a Cause” Is a Terrible Justification for God’s Existence

Why "Life Has To Have Been Designed" Is a Terrible Argument for God's Existence

Atheist Meme of the Day: Yes, Atheists Have Considered Religion

Scarlet letter
Today’s Atheist Meme of the Day. Pass this on; or don’t; or edit it as you see fit; or make up your own. Enjoy!

It is absurd for believers to tell atheists, “You need to be more open to possibilities.” It’s like telling gay people, “Have you considered the possibility that you might be straight?” Religion is the dominant paradigm in our culture. We’re soaking in it. Do you honestly think the idea has never occurred to us? Pass it on: if we say it enough times to enough people, it may get across.

Atheist Meme of the Day: Yes, Atheists Have Considered Religion

Are Atheists Open-Minded?

See no evil 2
“You have to keep an open mind. That’s the trouble with you atheists/ materialists/ skeptics. You’re just as bad as fundamentalists. You’re so convinced that you’re right, and you’re not willing to consider the possibility that you might not be. The universe is profoundly strange: we’ve been surprised by it thousands of times in the past, and our assumptions about it often turn out to be mistaken. So how can you be so close-minded about the universe? How can you just reject the idea that God, or the soul, or a spiritual realm, might be part of it?”

If you’re an out atheist — heck, if you’re an entirely closeted atheist who reads atheist blogs and forums and whatnot — you’ve almost certainly heard some version of this spiel. And it’s almost certainly made you want to scream and tear your hair out.

I’ve been running into it a lot lately. So today, I’m taking it on. I’m summing up some ideas I’ve written about before… and I’m presenting some new ones. (Please note: There are a few places in this piece that are more strongly worded than usual, as my feelings on this particular form of anti-atheist bigotry run high. Consider yourself warned.)

*

Evidence
There are a zillion things to say about this canard. For starters: “You have to have an open mind” is not the same as “Here’s some good evidence for why my idea is right.”

Yes, it’s good to have an open mind. How is that an argument for religion or spirituality being correct? I mean, if someone insisted that they had a three- inch- tall pink pony behind their sofa who teleported to Guam every time anyone looked back there — and, when faced with people who were skeptical about this hypothesis and asked for some evidence in support of it, merely said, “You have to keep an open mind”… would you consider that a good argument for the pink pony hypothesis?

And if not — then why is it a good argument for religion or spirituality?

The fact that a hypothesis can’t absolutely be disproven with 100% certainty doesn’t make it likely or plausible. And not all hypotheses are equally likely to be true. To persuade me to accept an idea — heck, to persuade me to seriously consider it, or even to respect it as a reasonable possibility — you have to do more than show me that it hasn’t been absolutely disproven, and then scold me about having an open mind. You have to show me some good, solid, positive evidence supporting your idea. And you have to use good logic to show why this evidence supports your idea better than any other idea.

But wait! There’s more! Whenever believers ask atheists and materialists and skeptics to be open-minded and not to close ourselves off to possibilities, I always want to ask them: Do you honestly think atheists have not considered the possibility of religion?

Religious symbols
Religion is the dominant paradigm in our culture. Non-believers have considered it. We continue to re-consider it all the time. We can’t help but consider it. It is constantly in our faces. We’re soaking in it. Telling atheists, “Have you considered the possibility that religion or spirituality might be true?” is like telling gay people, “Have you considered the possibility that you might be straight?” I mean — do you seriously think this idea has never occurred to us? Do you seriously think this is the first time anyone’s suggested it?

In fact, most atheists were believers at one time. Most atheists are former Catholics, Baptists, Muslims, Hindus, Jainists, religious Jews, moderate or progressive Christians, New Age believers, and more. The culture of religion we’re steeped in isn’t limited to traditional or fundamentalist belief, and most of us have considered a wide range of religions before rejecting them all. It’s the very fact that we do have open minds that led us to change our minds about religion and become non-believers in the first place.

What’s more, the accusation that atheists aren’t open-minded is extra- aggravating — because it so often comes from people with completely closed minds. When it comes to religion, anyway.

Ask most atheists, “What would convince you that you were mistaken? What evidence would make you change your mind about God or the supernatural world?” Most of us can answer that question. (Or, if we’re too busy/lazy to answer it ourselves, we’ll point you to someone else who answered that question really thoroughly, and whose answers pretty closely dovetail with our own.)

See no evil
Ask most believers the same question… and they’ll say, “Nothing could persuade me that I’m mistaken about my God. That’s what it means to have faith.” Either that — or they’ll dither. They’ll say that their beliefs are too complicated and subtle to summarize. They’ll say that they don’t want to proselytize… even though they’ve been directly asked to explain what they believe and why. They’ll say that they don’t know for sure what they believe… they’re just trying to keep an open mind. (Even though you know perfectly well that they have very definite beliefs — they just don’t want to explain them to a critical audience.) They’ll come up with some standard of proof that’s ridiculously impossible. They’ll offer “evidence” for their beliefs that’s flatly terrible — not replicable, not double-blinded, not controlled, not screened for confirmation bias or the placebo effect, with methodology a sixth-grade science class could poke holes in. They’ll turn the debate about the evidence for religion into a meta-debate about how atheists are being big meanies, and how we’re rude or intolerant to ask these questions in the first place. They’ll insist that our questions and critiques are valid when it comes to other religious beliefs, but not to theirs… without explaining why theirs should be the exception. They’ll change the subject. (And then, three sentences later, they’ll once again accuse atheists of being close-minded.) In my experience, the overwhelming majority of religious and spiritual believers will do anything at all to avoid explaining exactly what it is that they believe, and what evidence they have to support that belief — and most importantly, what evidence would persuade them to change their minds.

So on what basis are these believers accusing atheists of being the close-minded ones?

100_percent
Then, of course, this “close-minded” canard ignores a basic fact about atheists that we keep repeating until we’re blue in the face — namely, that atheism doesn’t mean being absolutely, unquestioningly, 100% certain that God does not exist. It simply means being certain enough. It means concluding that the God hypothesis isn’t plausible or supported by any good evidence, and that until we see better evidence, we’re going to conclude that there’s almost certainly no God.

In other words: Atheism doesn’t mean we’ve absolutely made up our minds, without the possibility of ever reconsidering. Atheism means we’ve provisionally made up our minds. That doesn’t make us close-minded. Being close-minded doesn’t mean reaching a conclusion; it means being unwilling to reconsider that conclusion even when new evidence contradicts it. And that doesn’t describe most atheists. Atheists understand that we’re not perfect and that we might be mistaken. If you give us some good evidence showing that we’re mistaken, we’ll reconsider.

But — to repeat my first argument — you have to actually show us some freaking evidence already. Just repeating “Have an open mind” — that does not qualify as evidence. That just qualifies as annoying.

Okay. Most of this is stuff I’ve said before.

Here’s the part I haven’t said before.

*

Man using microscope
The world of science — the world of carefully examining cause and effect in the universe, using rigorous methods of testing hypotheses designed to filter out bias as much as possible — has given humanity our most surprising, shocking, unexpected, counter-intuitive, mind-expanding, mind-boggling revelations about the true nature of existence.

Science shows us that solid matter is almost entirely made up of empty space. Science shows us that the ground beneath our feet is not solid, but is constantly shifting. Science shows us that the universe is expanding. Science shows us that space bends. Science shows us that time is not constant, that it moves differently depending on how we move. I could go on, and on, and on. Science — carefully examining cause and effect in the universe — has shown us things about the world we live in, and about ourselves, that we would never have come up with if we’d set our best poets and artists on the project for ten thousand years. Science has opened our minds to possibilities we would never have imagined without it.

And maybe more to the point: Science has given us revelations about the world that are not only mind-bogglingly surprising, but that have been profoundly unsettling and difficult to accept.

Death from the skies
Science shows us that we are not at the center of the universe, not at the center of our galaxy, not even at the center of our puny little solar system: that the Earth is nothing special, only one of billions of rocks orbiting one of billions of stars in one of billions of galaxies in a universe that dwarfs us. Science shows us that humanity is simply another life form: not uniquely created with a special purpose by a loving divine maker, but just another species that evolved from proto-organic soup along with sponges and slugs and seaweed. Science is showing us that, whatever the heck consciousness is, it’s a biological product of the brain, and that it therefore dies forever when the brain dies. Science shows us that the Sun is one day going to expand and heat up, and that when it does, all the Earth will be boiled into molten rock. Science shows us that the universe itself is eventually going to die.

So don’t go telling skeptics and non-believers that trusting science and scientific evidence makes us close-minded and unwilling to consider new possibilities.

Fingers-in-ears
We’re the ones saying, “Yup — humanity isn’t that special, and death is the end. Those are hard realities to accept. But that’s what the evidence overwhelmingly suggests, so therefore we accept it.” Believers are the ones sticking their fingers in their ears and saying, “I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you! Humanity is a special snowflake, and we’re all going to live forever!”

So yet again, I ask: On what basis are believers accusing atheists of being the close-minded ones?

Now. At this point, many believers will step in and say, “I’m not against science! Science is great, it’s shown us wonders! But science is limited. It’s flawed, It doesn’t know everything. Therefore, God.”

Yeah. See, here’s the problem with that.

Charles-darwin-the-origin-of-species
You don’t get to pick and choose. You don’t get to say, “I accept the scientific consensus showing that continents drift — but when it comes to the scientific consensus showing that life developed entirely naturally through evolution by natural selection, I’m going to insist that life must have been designed, because that’s what my preacher tells me, and besides, it sure seems that way to me.” You don’t get to say, “I accept the scientific consensus showing that germs cause disease — but when it comes to the scientific consensus showing that consciousness is a biological product of the brain, I’m going to dither and equivocate and say that it hasn’t been proven with absolute 100% certainty and therefore it’s reasonable for me to believe in an immaterial immortal soul.” You don’t get to say, “I accept the scientific consensus showing that the universe is expanding — but when it comes to the fact that supernatural hypotheses have been repeatedly tested using rigorous scientific methods and have never once been shown to be true, when it comes to the fact that science has probably been applied to religion and spirituality more than any other topic and has consistently come up empty, I’m going to repeat ‘Science is sometimes wrong, science is sometimes wrong’ until the skeptics give up and go away.”

You don’t get to say, “With ideas I already agree with or am comfortable with, I’m willing to accept the rigorous process of using reason and evidence to sift through ideas and reject all but the most plausible ones. But when it comes to ideas I don’t believe or that I find troubling, I’m going to prioritize my highly biased intuition — which tells me that the things I already believe or most want to believe are probably true. I’m going to keep pointing out all the flaws and mistakes of science… and completely ignore the far greater flaws and mistakes in intuition. And unless you can prove to me with absolute 100% certainty that I’m wrong, I’m going to keep believing.”

Well, okay. Obviously, you can do that. People do it all the time. And it’s certainly your right to do that.

But if you do that, then one last time, I must ask:

On what basis are you accusing atheists of being the close-minded ones?

Are Atheists Open-Minded?