But sexual variety can mean so much more than rotating your bodies in different configurations before inserting Prong A into Slot B. And these books seem blind to these possibilities. They hardly ever talk about erogenous zones outside the obvious ones. They hardly ever talk about dirty talk, dirty outfits, foreplay (or, as we dykes like to call it, “sex”), sex toys, slowing things down, speeding things up, role-playing… all that good stuff.
And they almost entirely ignore the crux of any good relationship, sexual or otherwise: communication. Talking about desires, talking about fantasies, talking about the outfits and the toys and the dirty talk and the slowing things down, not to mention actual communication skills — how to ask, how to listen, how to negotiate, how to set limits, how to move forward together with experiments — little or none of this gets included in the discussion of how to bring variety into your sex life.
Even when they do talk about this stuff, it’s no more than a cursory, “get it out of the way” mention before getting on to the important business of describing and demonstrating the Double Reverse Astronaut Position. These books might as well be titled, “101 Ways to Have the Exact Same Sex You’ve Been Having, But With Your Bodies Arranged Somewhat Differently.”
To find out more of my objections to this ouvre, read the rest of the piece. (And if you’re inspired to comment here, please consider cross-posting your comment to the Blowfish Blog. They like comments there, too.) Enjoy!
Sorry to correct you, but it’s “oeuvre” (or “Åuvre”, if you want to be pedantic), not “ouvre”.
Blame the French for inserting misleading vowels everywhere.
Totally with you. I just wrote a sex guide for a book packaging company, and when I got to the chapter where I’d have to talk about penetrative sex, my heart kind of sank. Not because penetrative sex is bad, but because really, it feels pretty much the same whatever position you’re in and the best positions you usually work out as you go, but you have to say something.
I ended up doing just a short section saying, ‘Well, different people think there are a different number of positions; let’s just run through Kinsey’s basic six and after that you can experiment and decide for yourself what position feels best for you.’ Then I moved on to stuff that was actually useful, like ‘Not everyone is an exact fit and sometimes you have to work around that.’ Most of the book was fun to write because it was about stuff that might genuinely help, like being in the moment and valuing masturbation and listening to your fantasies, but the section on positions was absolutely the hardest section to write, because position just isn’t the most important thing.
I suspect the main reason for all the 101 Positions books is that it’s an easy way to fill out the pages. Even more than that, it’s an easy way to plan a structure, and if you have to submit a structure plan before you can actually write the book and see where it goes, 101 Positions is nice and simple.
Yes, but.. stupid *videos* about 101 positions sell lots of ridiculous cushions, designed to make it easier to get into them. And, for a certain segment of the population, having orgasms over the amount of money they make from gullible idiots, over and above even the books, is better than sex. lol
These books might as well be titled, “101 Ways to Have the Exact Same Sex You’ve Been Having, But With Your Bodies Arranged Somewhat Differently.”
If I ever get round to writing a sex book – I am going to steal that title.
Thank you for this essay, my lover pointed it out to me and we are believers in this line of thought⊠while sexual variety is important, nothing can compare to the arousal, excitement and pleasure we get from passionate communication of our thoughts, fantasies and desires.
I also, earlier in my life, was in a toxic relation like Kleinâs patients and the miscommunication, anger and isolation (while a couple) made any sex, much less goodnsex, impossible.
I will definitely share this,
Solidarity
“Double Reverse Astronaut Position” — LOL!