“I Don’t Want to Want What I Want”


Warped desire

I have a new piece up on the Blowfish Blog. In it, I talk about one of the most common themes that shows up in the sex advice columns: people with sexual desires that they desperately wish they didn’t have. I ask why it is that people with sexual desires that are ethical and consensual and don’t hurt anybody still wish those desires would go away. And I talk about some of the things you can do if you’re one of those people.

The piece is called “I Don’t Want to Want What I Want,” and here’s the teaser:

I don’t pretend to have an answer to this. Not one that could be written in a short blog post, anyway. But I think part of the answer lies in doing a careful, thorough, honest inventory of your thoughts and feelings… and figuring out, not why you want the sexual thing you want, but why exactly you feel so bad about it.

I think there are three main reasons why people wish they didn’t want the kind of sex they want. 1) They’ve internalized the social stricture against sex in general: they think sex is trivial and silly, and in general not worth wanting or pursuing. 2) The kind of sex they want is one that society frowns upon, and they’ve internalized the social stricture against it: they believe it’s immoral and bad, even if it’s consensual and honest and doesn’t hurt anybody. Or 3) The kind of sex they want is one that society frowns upon… and pursuing it will be inconvenient at best and dangerous at worst.

All three of which intertwine, of course.

(If I’m leaving any out, speak up in the comments.)

And I think figuring out which of these is making you feel so bad about your desires will be key in helping you figure out what to do about them.

To find out more about my thoughts on dealing with unwanted sexual desires, read the rest of the piece. Enjoy!

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