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Jun 09 2009

My Very First Orgy, and What I Learned There

Please note: This piece discusses my personal sex life and my sexual history in quite a bit of detail. Family members and others who don’t want to read that, please, absolutely, do not read this one. This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog.

OrgyMy Very First Orgy, and What I Learned There

I know. The title makes it sounds like a third- grader’s report on their trip to the planetarium. But you know, except for the third- grader part, it was sort of like that.

And I thought you might be interested to hear the story. I mean, who doesn’t like a good orgy story?

ReedMy very first orgy happened when I was in college. Surprise, surprise. I call it my first orgy, but in a sense it was my only orgy: I’ve been to a decent number of sex parties since, but this was my only “puppy pile of bodies co-mingling more or less indiscriminately” that we tend to think of as a classic, Capital O Orgy.

It happened more or less spontaneously. Or at least without any planning on my part. My boyfriend and I were hanging out on the steps of the student union, when these three girls came up to us, said they were putting together an orgy, and asked if we wanted to join them. The girls were sort of renowned on campus for being what I would now call “sex positive bi-dykes” but didn’t have a term for back then (hi, ladies, I still remember you fondly, if any of you are reading this drop me a line)… and it only took a couple seconds for me and my boyfriend to arrive at an enthusiastic Yes.

PersuasionThey said they needed a couple/few more people, and asked if we could round anybody up. So I raced off to one of my best friends, and spent half an hour unsuccessfully trying to convince him that the obviously most sensible action would be for him to blow off studying for his big math test and come to the orgy instead. (I was arguing that in twenty years he’d never remember the math test, but would always regret having passed on an opportunity for an orgy. An argument I still stand by.) Alas, my rhetorical skills failed me; so I finally gave up on my friend, and headed back to the dorm room where the festivities were being held.

There is nothing quite like walking into a dorm room with six naked people having sex together in a pile on the floor. Especially when one of them is your boyfriend. I had a brief moment of — well, “shock” is too strong a word, let’s call it “sudden adjustment” or “category error” — as the reality of the situation was rather crudely borne in on me. Then I decided, “What the fuck, this is what I’m here for,” hurriedly shucked my clothes, and joined in.

And I learned two very important life lessons: lessons that stay with me to this day.

Girl crazy coming out eroticaImportant Life Lesson Number One: I really and truly do like having sex with other women.

I’d known that I had sexual feelings about women for a long, long time. But apart from some childish experiments that could only be considered borderline sex at most, I’d never done anything about it, except swipe my dad’s Playboys and fantasize nonstop. I’d been calling myself “bisexual” ever since I’d heard the word (at about age 12); but I also couldn’t really be sure that the word was accurate. I had serious Nancy Friday/ My Secret Garden damage, and had been persuaded that having fantasies about something doesn’t mean you really want to do it. Even when you have said fantasies constantly, every hour of every day, and have had them for years. (Note to Ms. Friday: No, having sex fantasies doesn’t necessarily mean you want to do that thing in real life… but it sure as hell means that sometimes.)

This orgy was the first time I had actual, unquestionable sex with another woman. The first time, to put it crudely, that I put my tongue on another woman’s pussy. And the moment I put my tongue on that other woman’s pussy (hi there, L., if you’re reading, I remember you too, and very fondly indeed), my core sexual self- identity was transformed, from “woman who has fantasies about other women but isn’t sure what that means in her real life” to “dyke.” It took no time at all. Tongue hovering above the pussy, not so sure; tongue on the pussy, dyke.

So. That’s Important Life Lesson Number One. Pussy: good. Sex with girls: good. A lesson with very great impact on my life to this day, what with being married to a woman and all. Important Life Lesson Number Two:

JealousyI learned at that orgy exactly what, for me, jealousy was, and why I had it, and what I should do about it.

At the time of the orgy, my boyfriend and I had been having ongoing problems with monogamy. The problems being that he persistently cheated on me, and I was unhappy and pissed about it. At the time of the orgy, we were supposedly trying non-monogamy… but it was that half-assed version of non-monogamy that translates as “one person in the relationship wants no limitations on their sexual behavior, so they unilaterally declare the relationship non-monogamous, cat around carelessly with no regard for their partner’s feelings, and insist that any problem their partner has comes from un-evolved possessiveness.” (With the addendum, “And then they get hurt and angry when their partner tries to screw other people too.” But I didn’t find out that part until later.)

Needless to say, this turned out to be an unsuccessful experiment. It’s a miracle that I stuck with non-monogamy. Hell, it’s a miracle that I didn’t get the clap. I felt threatened, abandoned, anxious, insecure, disregarded, unwanted… all those things that add up to raging, festering jealousy.

But I felt no jealousy whatsoever at this orgy.

I watched, up close and personal, as my boyfriend got his dick sucked by another woman… and I was totally okay with it. I actually kind of enjoyed it.

SurpriseI did feel a twinge of something, something other than simple enjoyment and general okay-ness. Surprise, perhaps, is the best word for it. Sudden adjustment. Category error. But the closest I came to jealousy were a few passing moments of, “Shouldn’t I be feeling jealous about this?” I kept expecting to feel bad about what I was seeing… and it kept not happening.

And it occurred to me: My problem with my boyfriend cheating on me wasn’t a problem with him having sex with other people.

It was a problem with me being left out.

My problem was with him spending his time chasing other women at the serious expense of time spent with me. It was with him making major decisions about our relationship unilaterally, and then making me feel guilty that I wasn’t okay with it. It was with him blatantly trying to seduce other women in front of my face, even though he knew it upset me. It was with him spending nights with other women without consideration for the fact that I might be worried and wondering where the hell he was.

Puppy pileThis was the problem. And therefore, the orgy wasn’t a problem. The orgy was an experience we were sharing, a decision we made together, a sexual adventure we were having as a couple. None of the “being abandoned and disregarded” stuff that was going on with the cheating was going on in that puppy pile.

And that lesson has stuck with me to this day.

The specifics of what I do and don’t need from non-monogamy have changed a lot since then. Mostly, they’ve loosened up. I don’t need to be in the room if my partner is having sex with someone else; I don’t really mind if they flirt with other people when I’m around; I’m okay if sex with other people takes time away from me, as long as that time isn’t vast. I just need to feel like my feelings are being taken into consideration; like I’m involved in the decisions; like my major triggers will be worked around even if they’re not rational. I just need to not feel left out.

And I figured that out at the orgy.

So here are my study questions for the rest of the class: What life lessons have you learned from your sexual adventures? How have you applied these lessons to your life? Have any of these lessons been relevant to your life in areas other than sex and relationships? The class is now open to discussion. There are no wrong answers.

16 comments

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  1. 1
    Headbhang

    I haven’t been in an orgy. I wanna.

  2. 2
    Pony

    I just wanna have sex with my missus with other people. Whole exhibitionist/voyeur thing. I fear I’m not pretty enough to convince anyone pretty enough though… XD

  3. 3
    Meagen

    I can only imagine the logistics. There’s already so much “ow, my joints” and “that’s my arm” and “don’t lean your elbow there” and “watch the hair” in my bedroom with just one other person there.

  4. 4
    Theresa

    Not too adventurous here, but I do know that issues I have in the rest of my life also apply to the bedroom & vice versa — take the initiative! don’t be too proud! for example.
    So was the Reed seal fortuitous or did you go there? (I did, and I would have been the person who turned down the orgy to study for a chemistry exam…)

  5. 5
    Greta Christina

    So was the Reed seal fortuitous or did you go there?

    No, I went there. That’s funny! What years were you there? (I graduated in ’83.)
    But if you were a chem major, you would have had an excuse. Chem at Reed was apparently brutal. Students disappeared into the chem building and didn’t re-emerge until graduation.

  6. 6
    Julanar

    Do orgy participants use condoms? Because you can call me paranoid if you want, but I’d be a little nervous about screwing with several guys at the same time. Especially if this wasn’t their first orgy…

  7. 7
    Blake Stacey

    There’s already so much “ow, my joints” and “that’s my arm” and “don’t lean your elbow there” and “watch the hair” in my bedroom with just one other person there.

    Also: “he’s not that into guys, so I should be twisting over in her direction, but she’s being fairly occupied by her, so . . . Aw, fuck it. Sex is hard, let’s go shopping.”

  8. 8
    Theresa

    Greta, I was at Reed from 87-91 and was a bio major (so I took 3 yrs of chemistry, definitely brutal).
    But my fellow geeks were not all as neglectful as I was of the sexual opportunities of college. They just multitasked better (a skill that would probably be valuable on another level in an orgy).

  9. 9
    chanson

    Re: I had serious Nancy Friday/ My Secret Garden damage, and had been persuaded that having fantasies about something doesn’t mean you really want to do it.
    I think that people who say this are talking about stuff like rape fantasies, or stuff like, y’know, that fantasy where aliens kidnap you for their zoo, and make you breed with the other random human specimens they’ve captured.
    That’s what I’ve learned from masturbating to weird fantasies that — seriously — I would never want to happen in real life. And how have I applied this knowledge? Just fantasize about whatever, and revel in imagination. :D

  10. 10
    Mike Emerald

    The pits with orgies is: its so different from the way you imagine it. A lot of the participants look decidedly unattractive. Tummies, excess body hair, untoned, scraggy, warts, you name it. And then as mentioned the positioning, arms, legs, hair, performance anxiety, and as a man, looking at the unsightly genitals of another man…I was once invited to a threesome with two girls. I thought about all of the above and swiftly declined. God, this is all way too much of an effort.

  11. 11
    Londonrakehell.blogspot.com

    I was disappointed with my first orgy. It was not the porn fantasy I envisioned…lol
    I ended up going downstairs and watching television.
    My threesomes were much better.
    In any case, it was one more tick on the list.

  12. 12
    Glenn Davey

    I’ve had one threesome with 2 young, nimble, petite, very good-looking, sexually-charged bi-sexual girls – one blonde, one brunette italo-spaniard – who both eagerly invited me to join and not just watch, and it happened, on and off, over the course of 12 hours. No room of the house was left un-christened.
    Best. Experience. Of my life. I learnt that orgies are very good. Sorry, I just love telling that story…

  13. 13
    Glenn Davey

    I suppose a threesome isn’t quite an orgy, but I reckon it’s closer to the traditional male fantasy: One guy with 2 girls who like boys and girls.

  14. 14
    Glenn Davey

    I forgot to mention the more instructive threesome I’ve had. The one that gave me my future wife. That’s a cautionary tale for any blokes thinking of bringing in another bloke to satisfy their girlfriend/fiancee: she might become the other guy’s girlfriend/fiancee.
    But this fella had been acting like Greta’s boyfriend from the story above, and my now-partner had been thinking about leaving him for some time. I was just the better option :)
    Where he couldn’t be sexually satisfied in monogamy, even though he said he loved her, I’m more than happy with this little nymph who has come into my life.
    To think my darling had gone 4 years in a relationship being less-than-fully-appreciated is just awful to think about…

  15. 15
    Rob Villard

    I think that this article, even though i am a male, helped me out a lot. I was always curious if people got jealous at orgies. I had a monogamous relationship with a girl for about 1 year 7 months (we became engaged but i broke it off due to being in the military and needing to spend my focus there *note – i didnt do it for any other woman*. The idea of an orgy always play around in my head because 1. i cannot get enough sex 2. I am REALLY social and it seems like a really fun social event that you can meet people and learn new things. so yet again i think you for your article BUT can anyone give me any suggestions for organizations with maybe some sexual addictions that promote instead of demote my drive? thank you all and have an amazing day

  16. 16
    Janee

    I’ve always thought that I would probably enjoy an orgy, and this blog kind of solidified my resolve to try that at some point. I’ve always had a major problem with cheating, but I’ve also given both of my most recent exes permission to hook up with people as long as I’m part of the decision, as long as I know, and they’re not the specific people I’d be jealous of.

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