What Does It Mean to Want Sex?


River of desireI have a new piece up on the Blowfish Blog. I think this is one of my better pieces — not that any of them suck, but I’m especially proud of this one — and I especially encourage you all to check it out. It’s about the common “bed death” problem in long- term relationships… and about what we mean when we say that we “want” or “don’t want” sex… and how rethinking the one can be a way of dealing with the other.

It’s called What Does It Mean to Want Sex?, and here’s the teaser:

When we talk about “wanting” sex, we tend to mean the immediate animal urge. The hard cock or clit. The overpowering physical desire to get busy, now.

But there are other ways of “wanting” sex. You can want the effect sex has on your life, and on your relationship. You can want the closeness and intimacy it gives you with your partner. You can want the affirmation it gives, the feeling of being desired and valued. You can want the confidence and poise that being an actively sexual person can give. You can want the transcendence that sex can create, the experience of epiphany and transformative joy.

And for that matter, you can want the pure animal pleasure of sex… without having the immediate physical desire for it. You can know in your head how great sex can feel, and want to re-create that feeling — without your dick or clit being hard right that second. (Sick people often don’t feel much appetite for food — but if they’re smart, they know that food will make them feel better, and they know that once they start eating, their appetite is likely to return.)

This is a bit of a tricky distinction. So let me draw a couple of analogies before I move on.

To find out more, read the rest of the piece. Enjoy!

Comments

  1. drdave says

    Greta, when my wife wants it, many times its just wrapping her arms around me in bed, or my wrapping her up in mine. This can be very true at 2 AM. So here’s to wanting sex, without exertion.

  2. Marley Fitz says

    You got it “nailed” on this one Greta. And, I don’t believe I’ve ever read anything like this.
    Yes, it’s true. Sure, I love the “act” of sex but, more importantly, I love my sexuality. I love how powerful it makes me feel. I love the part it plays in my 12 year marriage. I feel more confident and self-actualized.
    Even when we have a dry-spell of activity, the emotional turn-on of knowing the “connection” is always present, has strengthened out marriage. I wish all women could embrace their sexuality this way.
    It is something I am trying to pass on to my daughter. I know it will make a difference in her life in general and certainly in her intimate relationships.
    Excellent post.

  3. Donna Gore says

    I can relate. As a post menopausal woman I am less interested in sex than I used to be. I wonder, is there something wrong with me? Or is it just the constant barrage of boner commercials, womens talk shows, and lovelorn columns convincing me that something is wrong if I’m not horny all the time?
    It takes me a little longer to get warmed up, but once I get going I really get into it. In fact, I have better orgasms than I ever had EVER. What does this all mean? Hell if I know! But I much prefer the less frequent MORE satisfying sex I have now than the constant, crappy hit and run sex I had when I was 30.

  4. says

    Gosh, you sure do have a great way with an idea. Well put and 100% spot[-on! My partner and I have to schedule all the sex we have and we’re never, ever, sorry we carved out the time to do that voodoo that we do so well.

  5. says

    You have this way of saying something that we already know but don’t ever really take the time to examine closely… and then you transform it into a revelation. I am astounded yet again by your insights. I have linked to your blogs before, and I would do it again with this one, but for the fact that I should probably write some of my own. On behalf of Early to Bed in Chicago… thanks for all you do. :)

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