I have a new piece up on the Blowfish Blog. I think this is one of my better pieces — not that any of them suck, but I’m especially proud of this one — and I especially encourage you all to check it out. It’s about the common “bed death” problem in long- term relationships… and about what we mean when we say that we “want” or “don’t want” sex… and how rethinking the one can be a way of dealing with the other.
It’s called What Does It Mean to Want Sex?, and here’s the teaser:
When we talk about “wanting” sex, we tend to mean the immediate animal urge. The hard cock or clit. The overpowering physical desire to get busy, now.
But there are other ways of “wanting” sex. You can want the effect sex has on your life, and on your relationship. You can want the closeness and intimacy it gives you with your partner. You can want the affirmation it gives, the feeling of being desired and valued. You can want the confidence and poise that being an actively sexual person can give. You can want the transcendence that sex can create, the experience of epiphany and transformative joy.
And for that matter, you can want the pure animal pleasure of sex… without having the immediate physical desire for it. You can know in your head how great sex can feel, and want to re-create that feeling — without your dick or clit being hard right that second. (Sick people often don’t feel much appetite for food — but if they’re smart, they know that food will make them feel better, and they know that once they start eating, their appetite is likely to return.)
This is a bit of a tricky distinction. So let me draw a couple of analogies before I move on.
To find out more, read the rest of the piece. Enjoy!