Please note: This post includes extensive and detailed descriptions of my personal sex life. Family members and others who don’t want to read about that stuff are advised to stay as far away from this one as possible.
There’s this blog. Sort of an anonymous confessional/ revelation blog about sex. You write in, telling 25 things about your sexuality — hence the name of the blog, 25 Things About My Sexuality — and they post it confidentially. (My boss told me about it, thinking — rightly so — that I’d be interested. Sometimes I really like my job.)
But I didn’t see any reason to do it anonymously. (Although, to be honest, my list would have looked somewhat different if I were posting it to an anonymous blog…)
So here, in no particular order, are 25 things about my sexuality. If you want to play, you can do so on the 25 Things blog… or you can do it on your own blog and post a link here if you like… or you can do it in a comment here, as long as you keep it reasonably concise. (More concise than I did, at any rate.)
FYI: If this seems more focused on my sexual history and my mental and emotional sex life rather than my current physical sex life, there’s a reason for that. I respect Ingrid’s privacy and don’t like revealing too much about our sex life together; so I’m focusing on those parts of my sexuality that I can reveal without violating her privacy.
1: When I was about ten, I read an article in Ms. Magazine about the female orgasm, and somehow got the impression that orgasms were something women had and men didn’t. When I told this to my parents, they thought it was uproariously funny. “The new myth!” they said.
2: I don’t remember the first time I masturbated. The first time I remember, I was about seven or eight; but my memory of that experience is that it was already a familiar one.
3: I have never had a three-way with a man and a woman. Or with two men, for that matter. My only three-ways have been with two other women.
4: I have never been successfully fisted. The times I tried, it didn’t work, wasn’t that fun, and didn’t seem worth the trouble.
5: I once fisted a man, before I knew what fisting was or what it was called. We didn’t use lube or anything. He was on heroin at the time, and was very relaxed. I just kept putting more and more fingers in, and he kept enjoying it and kept asking for more. I look back on this now with a fair amount of “How stupid, we were so lucky he didn’t get hurt” dread. It was hot, though.
6: It’s been about eight or nine years since I had any kind of genital sex with a man. (I remember the event, but not the exact date.) It has been over eleven years since I had intercourse with a man.
7: The majority of my sex fantasies are about men. I think it’s because I’m not having sex with men and haven’t for a while, and I tend to fantasize about what I’m not doing.
8: Most (although not all) of my sex fantasies are about some sort of force, coercion, violation of trust, or abuse of power. While I don’t basically have any problem with this — I don’t think any fantasy is unethical — I sometimes find it a bit unsettling, and don’t really understand it. My personality is generally fairly sunny, and I’m not sure why my fantasy life is so dark.
9: I have several very elaborate sex fantasies about fictional characters, mostly of the “Mary Sue” fanfic variety. You could not possibly pay me enough or get me drunk enough to tell you the details of any of them. I haven’t even told Ingrid more than the broadest outlines of any of them.
10: I have been having sadomasochistic sex fantasies for as long as I can remember.
11: As of this writing, I look at the SpankingTube free video site several times a week.
12: For most of my adult life, I never had any trouble reaching orgasm. This has changed somewhat in the last couple of years, as my body has been changing with middle age. It’s kind of annoying.
13: I was single for twelve years before I got together with Ingrid. For most of those twelve years, I was happy to be single, and for many of those years I actively resisted the idea of getting into a serious long- term relationship. I’m extremely happy with Ingrid now and can’t imagine life without her; but I also treasure the memory of my single years, and feel that they were important and valuable.
14: As a result of #13, I have a hard time understanding or being sympathetic with people who stay in bad relationships because they’re afraid of being alone.
15: During my single years, most of the sex I got was with women I met through personal ads.
16: I worked as a stripper in a peep show for several months. Now I’m never quite sure how much I should publicly identify myself as a sex worker. I feel that if I don’t, I’m playing into the stigma and shame about sex work; but if I do, I’m leeching off of the interest in sex workers, and claiming sex worker street cred, in a way that I haven’t really earned, since I wasn’t working in the hard-core trenches and only did it for a fairly short time.
17: My relationship with Ingrid is non-monogamous; but apart from flirting with other people in a serious way that might have gone somewhere but ended up not, I haven’t acted on it in a little while. Mostly this is because I’m working two jobs and don’t have the time or energy; but I sometimes fear that I’ve lost some of the courage and self- confidence to pursue casual sex partners that I had when I was younger.
18: I have a fair number of sex fantasies about convincing or coercing sex workers to do things they don’t really want to do. I think I know why this is — I have a thing for fantasies about sex that’s technically consensual but actually unwanted — but because of my work as a sex worker and a sex worker advocate, I sometimes feel guilty about it.
19: I enjoy kinky/ sadomasochistic porn where men dominate women, or with lesbians or gay men. I am, however, almost entirely uninterested in porn where women dominate men. I actually find most of it an active turn-off.
20: I can sometimes have mini-orgasms — not full-on orgasms, but little spasms of arousal and release — just by thinking about sex.
21: I never wrote religious porn, and almost never had fantasies about religious figures, until I started blogging about atheism. I now do fairly often. I’m not sure what this is about. I suspect it’s just because I’m thinking about religion more, but I sometimes wonder if there’s something more complicated and weird going on.
22: When I write porn, I get very turned on, but I try to hold off on masturbating or having sex for as long as I can…. because once I come, I lose my momentum and my interest in the story, and have to wait a while before I pick up the energy again.
23: I get off on porn where women get spanked until they cry.
24: I once paid a professional submissive to spank her and dominate her. The only reason I haven’t paid for sex or kink since then is that I can’t afford it.
25: I’ve been to a lot of sex parties, but the only time I’ve been to an orgy that I would call an orgy — an archetypal puppy pile of bodies moving more or less indiscriminately from one person to the next — was in college. It was a small orgy of seven people: five women, two men (one of whom was my boyfriend). It was a major sexual revelation for two reasons. It helped me realize that the reason I got jealous of my boyfriend when he cheated on me wasn’t that I minded him having sex with other people, but that I felt abandoned and left out when he did it without me. And it helped me realize that I did, in fact, like having sex with women, and very much so — it wasn’t just something I liked to fantasize about.
So those are my 25. I could keep going, but I think that’s enough intimate revelation for one day. If you decide to play, please feel free to share your link here if you like. Happy sailing!