Please note: This post, and the post it links to, discusses my personal sexuality, and it may be too much information for some people. Family members and others who don’t want to read about that: Please don’t read this one. Thanks.
I have a new piece up on the Blowfish Blog. There’s this sort of ridiculous thing that I do in my fantasy life: namely, instead of fantasizing about non-consent, I fantasize about consensually acting out fantasies of non-consent. In this piece, I try to figure out what the hell is going on with this… and I wonder aloud if anyone else does this, too. It’s called On Having Fantasies About Acting Out Fantasies, and here’s the teaser:
In the actual fantasy part of the fantasy — as opposed to the backstory part — we both get deeply into our roles. It’s clear that she’s consenting to it, even that she’s getting off on it… but it’s also clear that the role of the victim is feeling real to her. Just like the role of the perpetrator is feeling real to me. So I get to experience those dark emotions of power, forcing myself against resistance and reluctance, making someone feel frightened and violated and helpless — and getting off on it. And I get to experience those emotions in an ethical context of consent.
And I’m wondering:
What the hell is this about?
It’s a fantasy, for fuck’s sake. Of course it’s in an ethical context of consent. It’s all taking place inside my own head. You can’t get any more consensual than that. Why can’t I just have a nice, normal rape fantasy, without adding in these meta- layers of detachment from it?
And does anyone else do this?
To find out more about what this absurd mis-application of conscience is about — and to chime in about whether or not you do this, too — read the rest of the piece. Enjoy!
Man, that is hilarious! I love your response to the realization of your meta-ethics (wtf? why am I fantasizing like that?)
I am one of those people who tend to have novelistic fantasies, with plots, elaborate back stories, character motivations, and various drama and consequences. Maybe it’s just my writer’s brain, but this is what makes my fantasies seem more alive and interesting–and most porn seem very dull and trite. Perhaps that is why fanfiction ‘smut’ seems more appealing to me?