CSI: Deuteronomy »« Update

Atheism in Pop Culture: “Old Time Religion”

This one should be fun. In fact, I think we can make it into a contest.

Give-me-that-old-time-religion
It's the pagany folk nerd song parody of "Old Time Religion."

(You know. "Give me that old time religion/ Give me that old time religion/ Give me that old time religion/ It's good enough for me.")

I've loved this ever since I first heard it. Apart from just being silly and fun with many ridiculous rhymes, it's a neat reminder that Christianity really isn't "that old time religion" — many religions are much, much older. And it has a nice, gentle, "making fun of everyone equally" quality that I'm very fond of.

Technically, I suppose it's not atheist. It's more "pagan/ disrespectful of organized religion." And technically I suppose it's not pop culture, either, unless you consider folk nerd song parodies to be pop culture. But I don't care. The subject of Druids came up at work the other day, and this verse popped into my head, and I decided I had to share with the rest of the class:

Druidic_ritual_Stonehenge_2
Let us worship like the Druids
Running naked through the woo-ids
Drinking strange fermented fluids
And that's good enough for me.

(Give me that old time religion, etc.)

There are about eight hundred thousand verses floating around in the folk nerd world and on the 'Net, but not all of them are gems. Here are a few that I'm particularly fond of:

Aphrodite
Let us worship Aphrodite
In her silky see-through nightie
Though she's mean and somewhat flighty
She's good enough for me.

Let us sacrifice to Isis
She will help us in a crisis
And she hasn't raised her prices
And that's good enough for me.

Let us all bow down to Buddha
There's no other God who's cuter
Comes in copper, brass, and pewter
And that's good enough for me.

Let us travel to Valhalla
In Volkswagens, not Impalas
Singing "Deutschland Uber Alles"
And that's good enough for me.

Kali_Devi
Let us sacrifice to Kali
Let us worship her, by golly
To ignore her would be folly
And that's good enough for me.

Let us worship Zarathustra
Let us worship like we used to
I'm a Zarathustra booster
And that's good enough for me.

This next has always been my favorite:

Loki
Let us sacrifice to Loki
He's the old Norse god of chaos
Which is why this verse doesn't rhyme, or scan
And that's good enough for me.

And to show that it's an equal opportunity song parody, there are at least two verses on Christianity:

Let us all bow down to Mary
For she hasn't lost her cherry
And she cures the beri-beri
And that's good enough for me.

Let us worship like the Quakers
(silence)
(silence)
And that's good enough for me.

I wrote the next two myself:

Bacchus
Let us now form up a caucus
So that we may worship Bacchus
For his followers are raucous
And that's good enough for me.

(Alternate last line: "For his followers will fock us…")

Let us sacrifice to Hades
Looking spiffy in his shade-es
He's a devil with the ladies
And that's good enough for me.

My good friend Rebecca wrote this one:

There's a graven image of Ba'al
That I bought for my front ha'al
At the graven image ma'al
And that's good enough for me.

And my good friend Nosmo King wrote this verse, totally on the fly the first time he heard the song, earning the eternal admiration of all the drunken folk nerds at that particular party:

Yin_and_Yang.svg
Let us walk the path of Tao
Though it hasn't got much wow
But it's in the here and now
And that's good enough for me.

So now it's your turn! At parties we keep singing the same ones again and again, and we need new ones. Plus we desperately need some from the atheist pantheon of made-up religions, and I'm having a hard time rhyming "flying spaghetti monster" and "invisible pink unicorn." (I'm about halfway there on Russell's Teapot — something about "It's impossible to see, but" — but so far I'm failing to come up with a last line.)

So chime in with your verses! The winner — picked entirely by me at my own whim — will get a free copy of any of my three books that they want: Paying For It, Three Kinds of Asking For It, or Best Erotic Comics 2008. Entries must be made in the comments by August 31. Have fun, y'all!

(Druid photo by La Repubblica.)

Comments

  1. says

    Let us bow down to Cthulhu
    Most implacable and cruel, who
    Always covers me with drool; you
    Know that’s good enough for me.
    Give me that cold slime religion…

  2. says

    The invisible pink unicorn
    May be found in ancient cuneiform
    And always shall my socks adorn…
    And that’s good enough for me.
    The Principia Discord-i-a says
    The Goddess Eris is our goddess, yes,
    And chaos give such good milk, I must confess,
    That it’s good enough for me.

  3. Danielle says

    Let us all worship Blind Io
    With his many eyes that fly-o.
    God of thunder up on high-o,
    He is good enough for me.
    Let’s worship Nuggan, who will not let
    His devotees taste of chocolate
    (Mainly because he is batshit),
    But he’s good enough for me.

  4. says

    Let us say a reverent r’amen
    for the sphagetti monster flyin’
    he made a midget, tree, and mountain
    and that’s good enough for me
    with his noodly appendage waving
    he touches every kind of measuring
    makes it look like he ain’t existing
    and that’s good enough for me
    pirates make the world much cooler
    without them all our polar
    ice is melting, now we’re scewered
    arrr, that’s good enough for me

  5. Rick says

    Gimme that Internet Religion
    that’s a total work of fiction
    Flying Spaghetti Chicken…
    Eh, that’s close enough for me.

  6. Ngeli says

    Text editors are religions, right? For more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_Emacs
    Let’s bow down to emacs’ glory
    Control-Meta don’t be sorry
    This OS won’t cause you worry
    and that’s good enough for me!
    Let us all use the vi
    change the modes and don’t ask why
    make some emacs-users cry
    and that’s good enough for me!

  7. says

    more fsm lyrics:
    When he comes the Pasta Brethren
    will have beer and television
    we’ll have strippers up in heaven
    and that’s good enough for me

  8. Jon Berger says

    The particularly subversive thing about the Loki verse is that it does scan. It’s usually sung with the word “rhyme” extended over two beats, with a long pause after it to give the impression that the rhythm is awkward, but if you just take one beat for “rhyme” (which is, after all, only one syllable) and then plunge ahead with no pause, it scans just fine.
    I love the Quaker one. Hadn’t heard that before. And the Druid one is quite brilliant.

  9. says

    FSM is wise and holy
    Now I never feel lonely
    When I eat a cannelloni
    and that’s good enough for me!
    I will worship His Great Noodles
    ‘Cause he doesn’t give two toodles
    What we do with our own doodles
    and that’s good enough for me!
    Can’t be seen, and made of pasta
    You can’t get there any fasta
    Than our flying Pasta Masta
    and that’s good enough for me!
    In the Beginning He did fidget
    With his planet-making widget
    Made a mountain, tree, and ‘midgit’
    and that’s good enough for me!
    (Some are better than others. I bet I’ll come up with some more.)

  10. says

    Let us give our props to Yahweh
    Cause he did it all in 6 days
    And he kills if you get in his way
    And that’s good enough for me.

  11. says

    Just came up with this one:
    Let us honor with confetti
    The great Monster of Spaghetti
    Flying ‘cross the Serengeti
    He’s good enough for me.
    Still working on the Russell’s Teapot one, though.

  12. Taxorgian says

    We are drawin’ in the mobs
    To sell garbage by the gobs
    Payin’ J.R. “Bob” Dobbs
    And it’s good enough for me.

  13. says

    To me, there are no gods like the Greek gods. They are just so… so human. So delightfully carnal, a celebration of the whole human experience, warts and all.
    At the Temple of Apollo
    Some will lead and some will follow
    Some will spit and some will swallow
    And that’s good enough for me
    When we follow Dionysus
    Then no matter what the price is
    We’ll engage in all our vices
    And that’s good enough for me
    With Athena in her armor
    So that mortal man can’t harm’er
    She is such a gorgeous charmer*
    And that’s good enough for me
    And the thunderbolts of Zeus’s
    Are the least of his abuses
    Leda talks about his gooses
    And that’s good enough for me
    Let us all revere Poseidon
    Cos he’ll find you where you’re hidin’
    And your ass he’ll soon be ridin’
    And that’s good enough for me
    When we speak of beaux and Eros
    Our perspective rather narrows
    Though it pierce us to our marrows
    It’s good enough for me
    Let us follow Terpsichore
    As she leads us all to glory
    Every dance will tell a story
    And that’s good enough for me
    We need never wonder why, men,
    We will strive to do and die**, men,
    At the service of dear Hymen,
    And that’s good enough for me
    *alternate line—“I would plow her like a farmer”
    **well, a little death, anyway.

  14. says

    Let us bow down to Astarte
    Though the Hebrews call her tarty,
    she knows how to throw a party,
    and that’s good enough for me.
    Let’s pay homage to Ishtar,
    though she snatch men from the bar,
    in time of need, she’s never far
    and that’s good enough for me.
    Worship Ishtar one and all,
    true, she is a femme fatale,
    but she hears you when you call,
    and that’s good enough for me.

  15. says

    Let us follow the immortals
    Till we pass through Heaven’s portals
    And deliver them our chortles–
    That’s good enough for me!
    If we laugh ourselves unsteady
    And keep criticism ready,
    Flying monsters of spaghetti
    Are good enough for me!
    Though invisible, it’s pinking–
    It’s a unicorn, I’m thinking–
    And the atheists are winking
    And that’s good enough for me!
    Though I have no God vendetta,
    I would sooner worship Greta,
    Though in truth, I’ve never met-a
    She’s good enough for me!

  16. says

    I am now in such fine fettle
    That I think I have the mettle
    To bow down to Russell’s kettle
    Cos it’s good enough for me…
    If I bow before some entity
    And call it heaven-sentity
    Please check on my dementity
    That’s good enough for me

  17. Roov says

    Let us worship like the Jedi Knights
    And use the Force to set wrongs right
    Reciting DEATHLESS. DIALOGUE. with all our might
    That’s good enough for me.

  18. JarJar_Head says

    Let’s all worship libido
    You’ll agree it’s very neato
    It’s why I’m here today
    And that’s good enough for me
    Let’s all hail Eris
    Patron saint of chaos
    She has a sacred Chao
    And that’s good enough for me
    Let’s all bow down to Gandalf
    Tolkien’s very best non-elf
    No Balrog shall pass
    And that’s good enough for me
    Let’s all bow down to Cat5
    We have no chance to survive
    He set up us the bomb
    And that’s good enough for me
    Let’s all worship Isis
    She is the very brightest
    As Osiris can attest
    And that’s good enough for me

  19. Lyra says

    If your spirits have been flaggin’
    Hop on the Kthulu bandwagon
    Ia! ia! Kthulu ftagn
    And that’s good enough for me

  20. Rebecca says

    Now let’s sing the verse for Pele
    [Shouted] Quickly! Hurry! Andele!
    If we don’t she’ll start a melee
    and that’s good enough for me!

  21. Rebecca says

    Let’s sing one for Fascinus
    He looked just like a penis
    Though some think that’s obscene, it’s
    good enough for me!

  22. Pierce R. Butler says

    Bend your knee to great Jehovah
    Whom no one gets nothin’ ovah
    He got Mary, won’t let go of her
    Yassuh, suh – good enough for me!
    Don’t forget the god named Allah,
    Who’s beyond all words tra la la
    From Tora Bora to Walla Walla
    Allahu Akbar’s enough for me!
    Even Conan bows down to Crom
    Whom no help comes from
    Take care of yourself, with aplomb
    Gotta be good enough for me!
    Let us worship all the gods
    Some are dudes, and some are broads
    Pascal says that gives better odds
    That’s good enough for me!

  23. says

    Let us praise this plate of pasta:
    it’s the flying spaghetti monstah!
    He totally pwns Jocasta
    And that’s good enough for me!
    I find cheezburgerz on teh ground
    an ai KNO hiskool dropout bin around
    an kittehs r orgnizd like burgurz on teh ground
    so AI KNO teh seelin cat lurves me!
    glory b un2 teh ceiling cat:
    cheezburgurz b wut HE xcells at
    AN IT NEVR GONNA MAKE U FAT!!!
    An it b gud inuff 4me.

  24. says

    Let us venerate Chris Hitchens,
    sure there’s the moanin’ and the bitchen’
    but he’ll always get his pitch in,
    and that’s good enough for me.
    Let us doff our hats for Dawkins,
    when the fundies come a-flockin’
    like a master he’s a-mockin’,
    and that’s good enough for me.

  25. John B Hodges says

    Praise the Great Gesargenplotz
    freed us from the evil godz
    demands worship he does notz
    and that’s good enough for me.
    (google it!)

  26. Claire B says

    Let us worship Russell’s Teapot
    Though it cannot keep your tea hot
    Yet disprovable it be not
    And that’s good enough for me
    If the Monster of Spaghetti
    Was to fight with a big Yeti
    He would whop its ass I bet-i
    And that’s good enough for me
    Invisible Pink Unicorn
    Demands your worship night and morn
    Or she will stab you with her horn
    And that’s good enough for me
    I have to admit, I quite like the idea of worshipping Greta…

  27. s. pimpernel says

    Let’s pen a paeon to Satan
    With all them souls a bakin
    Wonder what the hell he’s makin
    But that’s good enough for me.

  28. Claire B says

    Upon more mature consideration, here’s an alternative version of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s hypothetical encounter with Bigfoot:
    If the Monster of Spaghetti
    Was to dipute with a Yeti
    He would make it look quite petty
    And that’s good enough for me.

  29. Claire B says

    Damn. The third word in the second line was meant to be “dispute”.
    I really must get into the habit of previewing before I post…

  30. Jerry Newsome says

    Let me worship the Holy Spirit
    even tho I can’t touch it or see it
    but I know It’s there because I feel it
    and that’s good enough for me.

  31. Indigo says

    Let us shower praise on Thoth
    He who’s favoured by the goths
    Without him we’d all be nought
    And that’s good enough for me!
    Let’s bow to the hidden dragon
    In the garage of Carl Sagan
    He can’t be known and that’s not braggin’
    And that’s good enough for me!
    Let us pray to lovely Freyja
    Who watches over wedding days-a
    And takes half of all we slay-a
    And that’s good enough for me!
    Let’s revere Ahura Mazda
    Erect a statue in the plaza
    And take his worship far as Gaza
    That’s good enough for me!

  32. says

    Let us toast to Quetzalcoatl
    With the contents of this bottle
    Not a little, but a lot’ll
    Be good enough for me
    We will toast the feathered snakey
    Till the world is blurred and shakey
    Then pass out ’til wakey-wakey,
    That’s good enough for me
    If your deity is serpentine
    Please check what you are slurpin’- find
    A label that says “turpentine”?
    That’s good enough for me

  33. Rebecca says

    All you virgins sing to Vesta…
    (empty pause)
    C’mon I promise we won’t test ya…
    (pause)
    Well I guess that’s it for Vesta
    And that’s good enough for me.

  34. Claire B says

    Invisible Pink Unicorn:
    Although she does not work in porn
    She always has a mighty horn;
    That’s good enough for me.

  35. Claire B says

    Oh mighty Greta, thou who with thy mighty powers of logic and clear-headedness doth shine light into even the darkest ways of ignorance and confusion, I bring further offerings to lay at your blogshrine.
    Well I went to see the dragon
    In the garage of Carl Sagan
    But it hid behind a wagon -
    Still, that’s good enough for me
    From Jehovah to Cthulhu
    All the many gods that rule you
    Now no longer will they fool you
    And that’s good enough for me!

  36. says

    Let us dust off the fonts, ter
    Praise the Great Spaghetti Monster -
    He can do what he wants ter
    Cause he’s good enough for me!

  37. says

    Let us worship Gordon Ramsey
    and all his many “fuck me”s
    “silly twat”s and “donkey”s
    and that’s good enough for me!
    I revel in his bollocking,
    insults all a frollicking
    from his mouth when he’s a talking
    and that’s good enough for me!

  38. Rob~n says

    L. Ron Hubbard worships Xenu,
    Whom Tom would have us worship too,
    Scientology is pure WOO,
    But thats good enough for me.

  39. says

    I’d be shocked if the cuttlefish didn’t win this, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try. More to come after these if I think of any…
    Come, be a member of the Jews,
    Praise God: our people He did choose!
    Sure, Israel’s got some blacks and blues,
    But it’s good enough for me!
    Please, join us Catholics, worship Christ
    Who, though a man, they say comes twice.
    Just don’t say that His blood* needs spiced
    And you’ll be good enough for me!
    *That’d be the transubstantiated wine, for those not keeping up
    Though Islam seems a bit contrived,
    I bow to Allah, that’s no jive.
    But hey – at least I’m still alive,
    And that’s good enough for me!

  40. says

    Cuttlefish sent me ^_^
    Let us worship our Sky Fairy.
    Lo, His chin is rather hairy.
    He says don’t eat meat with dairy,
    And that’s good enough for me.
    Let us worship Cross-Boy Jesus.
    In our darkest hour he sees us.
    If my prayer does him a-pleases,
    I will win the lottery!
    If I dissed dear ol’ Mohammad,
    Would my house risk being bombéd?
    Oh, Islam is peace… Osama’d
    Kill me with the irony.
    Let’s worship the One True God.
    Hey, don’t you think it is odd
    The One True God that I laud
    Is not the same for thee?
    Let us worship Sacred Cracker.
    Dear God! That heathen slacker
    Is a Sacred Cracker-jacker
    And he mailed it to PZ!
    (If I may mangle Stephen King for a bit):
    See the turtle of enormous girth.
    On his shell he holds the earth,
    He loves the smallest things of worth,
    And even loves a child like me.
    (And finally for a bit of further divergence from the meter à la Buggs Bunny):
    Brick-a-brack-a-firecracker
    Sis-boom-bah!
    Ra! Ra! Ra! Ra!
    Rah! Rah! Rah!

  41. Alex the Fish says

    Let us all pray to Joe Pesci
    Give him an enemy’s addressy
    It could get pretty messy
    And that’s good enough for me!

  42. Alex the Fish says

    Let us remove all the foreskins
    From all our fleshy lovefins
    Don’t know why god needs the peen skins
    But it’s good enough for me.

  43. Claire B says

    And just to make sure that it’s really an equal opportunities piss-take, here’s a few New Age verses:
    I will teach you Spirit Power
    While I’m charging by the hour
    Do my prices make you cower?
    Well that’s good enough for me
    If you use your crystals rightly
    If you stroke them very lightly
    You will get good feelings nightly
    And that’s good enough for me
    If you do your meditation
    All the power of creation
    Will be stopping at your station
    And that’s good enough for me
    This advice may not seem drastic
    But ’twill make your life fantastic
    Cash or cheque? (We don’t take plastic)
    And that’s good enough for me!
    Blimey, these things are pretty addictive, aren’t they? It’s always, “Oh, just one more…”

  44. says

    Just found this one out on Der Interwebs:
    Oh my neighbor is a Buddhist,
    And my roommate is Voodooist,
    And well, me, I’m just a nudist,
    But that’s good enough for me.

  45. says

    A few more:
    Does your god pander to the man?
    Try being Rastafarian!
    We all smoke weed and party an’
    That’s good enough for me!
    Don’t be like those Chocktaw scums -
    Hail Nah-too-si with songs and drums!
    At least until the white man comes,
    It’s good enough for me!
    Are most faiths too concrete for ya?
    Then try your hand at Kabbalah!
    It’s good enough for Madonna,
    So it’s good enough for me!

  46. Nes says

    I’ve never been much of a poet, nor am I familiar with the song, but I’ll give this a try anyway. I’m going to cheat a little and use Greta’s line…
    Have you heard of Russel’s Teapot?
    It’s impossible to see, but
    I have faith that it’s in orbit
    That’s good enough for me
    Hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster
    But you had better listen mister
    Don’t try to cover him with muenster
    That’s not okay with me!

  47. Nes says

    How could I forget the IPU?
    The Invisible Pink Unicorn
    Blessed be her holy alicorn
    Under her gaze, none will be forlorn
    That’s good enough for me

  48. Charlotte says

    A humble tribute to the joint goddess of the springs here in Bath, UK. I’m still trying to think of rhymes for Sulis.
    Let us worship Minerva
    Study with religious fervour
    Then go kill those who don’t serve her -
    Hell, that’s wise enough for me!

  49. Thinker says

    From Scandinavia, a little Norse mythology:
    Let the Christians go a-wailing
    To Valhalla we’ll go sailing
    Every evening we’ll be ale-ing
    Yea, that’s good enough for me!
    Every day we’ll play at war
    Then with Wodan, Frey and Thor
    Eat the resurrected boar
    Hey, that’s good enough for me!
    Heaven’s harps are far too quiet!
    Fighting giants? That’s a riot!
    Meat and ale’s a balanced diet
    now, that’s good enough for me!

  50. says

    Let’s all follow the FSM
    At his motives who can guess ‘em?
    Beer and strippers, he will bless ‘em
    And that’s good enough for me
    Pantheism’s not at odds
    With the old established gods
    Its made up of odds and sods
    And that’s good enough for me
    No religion has a corner
    Now let’s worship Brothers Warner
    Though their Sister’s kinda orner-y
    They’re good enough for me

  51. Phrogge says

    In the dark and at his leisure,
    The Great Green Arkleseizure
    Is a universal sneezer—
    That’s snot good enough for me!

  52. DSimon says

    Let’s all follow Cthulu
    His siren song calls me and you-oo
    He’ll make us watch Friends on Hulu
    And that’s good enough for *AAAAAAARGH THE HORRIBLE IMAGES ARE MAKING MY BRAINS LEAK OUT MY NOSE AAAAAARGH!*

  53. DSimon says

    (If you actually like Friends, feel free to substitute “Glenn Beck” for it above. In fact, I kind of wish I had used that in the original line.)

  54. babzc says

    oh that ole god quetzalcoatl found a virgin he could throttle , stuffed her heart down ina bottle and that’s good enough fer me,,, (i cant believe i knew a verse no one else had touched on lol )

Leave a Reply