«

»

Jul 06 2006

Oral Arguments

Lips1I was originally going to call this post “A Dyke’s Defense of Blowjobs,” but lots of my readers get these posts sent as email, and I thought some of you might not appreciate having that subject line show up in your In box….

Anyway…

I recently found out that there’s been an entertaining flare-up in the blog-world about blowjobs. It all started when Twisty of “i blame the patriarchy” said, on the topic of blowjobs, that “no woman, since the dawn of the patriarchal co-option of human sexuality, has ever actually enjoyed this submissive sexbot drudgery.” Several other folks have been joining in the fun, including on Salon and even the Daily Kos (although there the conversation quickly degenerated into a argument over whether it was a waste of time and energy to discuss blowjobs when people are dying in Darfur).

So of course, I have to throw my belated hat into the ring. Here it is: my dyke’s defense of blowjobs.

Please note: Very personal sex talk ahead. If that will embarass you, please turn the page.

*****

UltimatecunnilingusI love going down on my lover. I love it partly because I love it — but I love it largely because I love giving her pleasure. And I don’t mean that in a noble, self-sacrificing, martyred way, or even in a kinky submissive way. Giving her pleasure is unbelievably hot. When I go down on her, I get completely lost in her pussy and in her pleasure. It works almost like a meditation to get me out of my head and into my body, and when it’s going especially well, it feels like my tongue is a clit. It’s fun. It’s sexy. I love it. And besides, it feels so very lesbian.

But in fact, I’m not a lesbian. I’m bisexual. It’s not completely inconceivable that I might have wound up in an LTR with a man instead of a woman.

And if I had, I’d feel exactly the same way.

Okay, not exactly the same way. I’m not quite as crazy about cock as I am about pussy. But pretty damn similar. I’ve certainly felt that way when I’ve been involved with men in the past.

And here’s what I want to know. If you don’t feel that way — then what the hell are you doing involved with men? If you think giving men sexual pleasure is patriarchal drudgery, why on earth would you have sex with them at all?

UltimatefellatioOf course, there should be some sort of reciprocation. It always bugs me to see studies about how more teenagers today are having oral sex instead of “regular” sex — because I know damn well that means blowjobs for the boys, not muff-diving for the girls. Of course men shouldn’t be assholes about it — no hair-grabbing or deep-throating without specific negotiation beforehand, guys. And of course, if you absolutely hate giving blowjobs (or any other particular sex act), naturally you shouldn’t do it.

But don’t act like your personal gross-out is some sort of righteous political stance. That’s just ridiculous. Most people like giving their lover pleasure. Some of us like doing it with our mouths. If you don’t, then don’t do it. You have every right to your quirks — but they don’t make you a superior feminist.

Spank_1And for God’s sake, please don’t start pulling the “no woman likes that and if she says she does she’s a co-opted tool of the patriarchy” bullshit. I’ve now heard that about spanking, buttfucking, porn-watching, porn-writing, and just about every other kind of sex that I love. I’m sick unto death of it. Can feminists please stop telling other women what they do and don’t like in bed — and stop trying to make other women feel bad because they don’t like the right things?

Thoughts? About blowjobs, or the political complications of male-female sex, or how we should all be ashamed of ourselves for wanting to talk about this instead of the slaughter in Darfur?

Oh, and a quick shout-out to the Nettles here (my longsword dance team). I polled them tonight about whether my next blog posting should be about North Korea, Matthew Barney, or blowjobs — and blowjobs won unanimously. Global politics and conceptual art are just going to have to wait.

13 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    Sexposfemme

    No what is patriarchal drudgery is if you’re called a slut for liking to suck dick like I was in the 8th grade.
    Militant feminists saying that if you like sex you’re a tool of patriarchy is one of my pet peeves. They say that about everything you’re right, stripping, bisexuality, heterosexuality, EVERYthing. They have to be the most nonsexual people there are.
    I’m exactly like you I’m not as crazy about dick as pussy. I can’t get off on looking at a guy’s dick. But I still find going down on a guy fun, only fair at the very least. Whoever says that’s being patriarchal is giving guys a lot of credit.
    Oh yeah about about Darfur, I’m originally from Liberia and trust me I would MUCH rather talk about blowjobs than the war in Liberia.

  2. 2
    Susie Bright

    I was so very, very tempted to get on the “twisty freakout” bandwagon after she posted her bj rant, but I felt like I’ve let those chicks pull my braids too many times.
    In fact, this time, I got a perverse little kick out of it. I think too many mainstream women act blasé about oral sex, and a few of them need to shriek, “I hate it I hate it I hate it,” and get it out of their system. And to go beyond twisty’s every so quaint “political” justification and just have a meltdown that they don’t like sex in their mouths, period.
    I meet altogether too many women who dont’ know what they like or don’t like about sex, they just want to know, “does he like me, does he love me, am I doing it right?” They haven’t id’ed their erotic self interest at all.
    I’m tempermental about oral. In my fantasies, it’s always good, it’s part of being overwhelmed and swept away.
    In practice, it varies depending on the lover, and how I’m feeling about them. It could be a total rush, or my mind could be a million miles away.
    Now you could say that about any kind of sex, I know, but I’m particularly moody about THIS.
    When I was first becoming sexual with partners, Linda Lovelace’s “Deep Throat” was just coming out, and it was a huge sensation.
    I remember being determined to learn how to “do it,” and then how anticlimactic it was for me; because of course, my clitoris wasn’t in my throat, and the mere act of performing DT didn’t send me to climax.
    It was more like an athletic test, like pulling off a feat. Girls would talk about it at school like it was a test of female strength. I wish I’d listened more closely to those conversations, I would be more observant now!

  3. 3
    Laura D

    Before I defend blow jobs, I must defend Daily Kos.
    Out of 786 comments, I only count 23 that are about whether or not they should be discussing Darfur instead, and only one poster thought that discussing blow jobs while people are dying was wrong. And that person backed down a bit, saying that it was ok to discuss it, she was just upset that more people were commenting about blow jobs than in the discuusions about genocide. Everyone else felt that not only was this a political discussion, but that people of compassion and political action have the right to discuss something fun without losing their bleeding heart activist card. Then the discussion quickly went back to blow jobs……Greta just gave up before that. Too bad because it was interesting to see what people had to say.
    The discussion contained two main debates. The first was whether or not Oral Sex demeans women and almost everyone said no. There was a poll and it was 88% no 5% yes and 6% unsure. This evolved into a discussion on whether S&M is demeaning and again most people felt like if both people want to do something than it isn’t really demeaning (unless you want it to be) with various levels of understanding of power-exchange demonstrated. The second debate, and to me the most interesting, was on whether there was such a thing as bad oral sex for the receiver. Several people described situations in which it wasn’t enjoyable and what was obvious was these people never asked for what they wanted and their partners never checked in to find out.
    This to me is the heart of the matter. Sex is only as good as you’re willing to make it. That includes oral sex or any other kind. Sometimes you luck out and find a partner who has similar tastes (so to speak) and is good at picking up on non-verbal clues like shuddering and sighing and such and you don’t have to say much other that “Oh yeah…..Oh fuck, yeah……Oh GOD yes! yes! yes!!!!!!” Other times you need to speak up and say…. “Please don’t use your teeth.” or “Please use your teeth” or “Even though it’s called a blow job, it’s really more about sucking than blowing.” (One guy complained that his ex girlfriend kept blowing on his cock which just made it cold and so he never enjoyed oral sex with her….. I mean, shit boy, give the girl a break and let her know)
    So back to me and my take on blow jobs (and I’ll take them rather than leave them , thanks). I was really, really lucky with my first few boyfriends. They all let me take things at my own speed (all of them were way more experienced than I was) and we talked about everything (not in the “lets sit down and analyze this to death until it’s a chore” way but in the “How are you feeling about this and what do you think about that” kind of way.) So I never even tried a blow job until my third boyfriend and by the time we tried it, I really, really wanted to put his cock in my mouth. (for the record he had gone down on me several times, but I never felt pressured to “return the favor” until I was ready….he told me one of the things he enjoyed about me was that I only did things I wanted to, and so I enjoyed them and that was more fun for both of us.) So I did and then I realized I wasn’t sure what to do. I mean my body was telling me to suck, but it was called a BLOW job and like the above mentioned girlfriend I thought that meant you should blow, but I had no idea how that would factor into the process. So, I took the cock out of my mouth looked up, and asked…..”um…..when do you blow?….I mean it feels like I should suck….but should I blow?” My bf told me that I had good instinct and in fact it was much more about sucking and frankly he’d prefer if I didn’t blow at all, though some guys might enjoy that. I was doubly lucky in having a bf who was not only a good communicator like my last two, but also bisexual so he’d given as well as received and he talked me through….at least until he lost all power to form words, and at that point I seemed to have figured it out. We talked after, and then a bit before the next time, in the same way we talked about anything we were trying out. I realized not everyone is lucky enough to have a partner who is not only comfortable talking about sex but has the experience to be able to share not only what he wants but to point out what is commonly enjoyed and what is a more particular taste and explain variations that others might enjoy. That said, your partner should be at least willing to talk about sex or you should go find someone else to go have sex with.
    So I’ve never felt bad about giving a blow job. There was one time after eating asparagus that I regretted letting the guy cum in my mouth….but that was an actual bad aftertaste, not an emotional one. I enjoy giving blow jobs for many reasons. First of there is rush of watching someone experience extreme pleasure because of something that I’m doing. This is hot on at least two levels….first off it’s just hot watching someone get off, and secondly there is a feeling of joy in giving pleasure. Then there is the physical pleasure I receive. I like the taste and smell- both of cock and semen (well usually-and only when fresh….old cum stinks, but that’s easily avoided by cleaning up after). I like the look of a hard cock and going down gives you a great view. I like the feel of a cock and the way it moves around when you play with it. I like the heat of it. Frankly, it’s a really fun toy to play with and I really don’t understand why I should feel degraded by playing with a fun toy.
    I actually feel very powerful while giving head, and not just because I’ve got a very sensitive and fragile part of my partner’s body in a place where I have strong jaws and teeth, so seriously, who’s in charge here? Knowing what to do to make someone shudder and moan and dissolve with pleasure is a powerful thing. The only way it would be degrading is if I did it when I didn’t want to. And why would I do that? I mean doing anything you don’t want to can be demeaning. So it’s really not about blow jobs. It’s about talking about what both people want and honoring that.
    BTW- on the topic of blow jobs…. what do you all think about this?
    ***
    Sperm Tester Wanted – Sex toy retailer LoveHoney.co.uk launches unique job search
    Online sex toy retailer LoveHoney.co.uk is advertising what could be the most unusual job ever. The company is searching for a sexually active couple who will be prepared to test a new pill designed to change the taste of semen.
    The pill, which is taken as a twice-a-day for 30 days, claims to mask the traditionally salty taste of male ejaculate with a refreshing apple-like flavour. Successful applicants will take the pill for 30 days and will use an online blog to provide a blow-by-blow account of how the taste of their partner’s sexual fluid changes.
    “A payment is offered,” says LoveHoney test organiser Ali Carnegie, “But this is really a job that people should do for love rather than money.”
    Couples who are interested in the position can apply by completing the Sperm Tester application form on the LoveHoney Web site.
    The test product is 100% vegetarian. Both straight and gay couples are encouraged to apply.
    http://www.LoveHoney.co.uk is the UK’s leading women-friendly online sex toy retailer, forging the way for women to buy sex toys confidently, comfortably, and at the lowest prices in the UK. Brother site http://www.CockLocker.co.uk continues to do the same for gay men the world over. For further details on either site see below.
    ****
    Personally I don’t want my partner’s cum to taste like an appletini or a jolly rancher candy. Unless he’s eaten something that messes with the taste, I actually like the taste of cum. If I was going to try another flavor, I think I’d want something that works with the salt taste. Even if the cum taste is altered, I’d hope the cock still tasted salty (I mean if he’s not sweating, something’s not working) so maybe margarita flavor would work….though fake flavored stuff is usually just nasty….I think I will just pass
    ****
    Someday I will post a short comment

  4. 4
    C. L. Hanson

    Re: And for God’s sake, please don’t start pulling the “no woman likes that and if she says she does she’s a co-opted tool of the patriarchy” bullshit. I’ve now heard that about spanking, buttfucking, porn-watching, porn-writing, and just about every other kind of sex that I love. I’m sick unto death of it. Can feminists please stop telling other women what they do and don’t like in bed — and stop trying to make other women feel bad because they don’t like the right things?
    Amen! I’m glad to have finally stumbled upon another feminist blog making this point! I particuarly like your comments about how getting off on turning your partner on should be considered normal, and should not be taken by feminists as a sign that you’re a self-hating stooge of the partiarchy.
    I’ve talked about this in my “Questioning Objectification” post: http://lfab-uvm.blogspot.com/2007/03/questioning-objectification.html
    Regarding the question of “Should we be discussing more important issues?” I’ve asked myself this a lot — I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time discussing feminism and sexuality on my blog when objectively I feel like there are a lot of other issues that are far more important. But I want to talk about this because it’s one of the points where I think the mainstream perception of feminist ideals is most wrong. It’s crazy, but from talking to people in real life and in blog space I get the impression that the average person thinks it’s “feminist” to condemn women’s sexual expression and to ignore the choices/autonomy of adult women (on the graunds that they’re broken by the patriarchy and hence need to be protected from their own stupidity).

  5. 5
    Shannon

    LOL! i would rather put a dildo in my mouth than to give a blowjob to a man. And i would love if its a dildo from (link removed by Greta — I don’t permit commercial advertising in my comments). LOL!

  6. 6
    E Roberto

    I landed on this website when I was googling, well, about blowjobs and thought I add a quick note to this interesting blog.
    I know we live in a patriarchal society since women are still paid less than men and most companies are run by white old Republican guys. But when it comes to the bedroom I never felt I’m having sex as part of this patriarchal conspiracy of domination against womenkind. Not in my deepest thoughts I go “aha! I finally have her and will submiss her now”. Actually its more like “man I can’t believe she is here with ME!”.
    So it irks me when these type of feminists, usually sheltered in the academia bubble where they learn more from books than other people, place a cookie cutter approach on sexuality to suit their political agenda. Same with religious organizations and political groups.
    So when it comes to blowjobs of course I like them – I love them! – but it would never be fun if I know my partner is not enjoying it as well. Doing something like that is an expression that she likes me and cares about me to give me pleasure. And likewise I enjoy and want to give her pleasure. Its not part of an evil social conditioning that rages through minds of the men I know to dominate the woman. Blowjobs are not the gateway drugs to baking apple pies in the kitchen and scrubbing toilets.

  7. 7
    Mike Haubrich, FCD

    Is it too late to weigh in? I think that the privacy of what consensual adults do is a bulwark that shouldn’t be breached by politics. When it comes to blowjobs and muff-diving I love to get and give. If I’m unable for some reason to “perform” at least I know that my lover won’t be frustrated, and often going down and making her come fixes whatever the problem was. I get turned on knowing that I am giving intense pleasure.
    And I am attracted to women that love the turnabout. Sex isn’t the only way to have sex and have fun; and I don’t want oral if it is a chore. If that’s too often the case, it’s a sign of a problem relationship, anyway.
    So, blow, suck, lick and fuck and don’t worry so much. Right?
    And oral has a great role in S&M, am I right?

  8. 8
    Pearlseed

    I was out and about reading this and that and found your blog. I’m an old hippie, found a few men worth a damn going down on me, love the experience, just mostly men don’t have a smooth clue about how what or how much–however, blowjobs are a trip and for all the reasons listed above–they are fun, it gives me this ultimo rush of looky what I can do–in my generation it was the whip in whipped–love the smell, the taste (unless we’ve shared a garlic pizza)the texture is supreme! the sight, sometimes amusing, sometimes fine as frog hair. You sound to be someone comfortable inside their own self and your partner is fortunate. I’m attracted to men only, however, I have many gay girlfriends who insist I’m missing my calling. Think that’s more that I’m calmer about sex and who’s zooming whom–think any time it’s only one partner dancing with the other one being a lump, that’s questionable–doesn’t feel much like love to me. Anyway, I’m a bit surprized that I felt so compelled to put my two cents worth in, like you–ain’t nobody, no way, no how going to tell me how to do my little dance. This little fat body has given me a great deal of pleasure in a variety of situations and tho I’m soon to my 6th decade, well, don’t see what would keep it from more. Sex is good–feels good–keeps me happy, calm and joyous. Thank you for allowing me to say what and agree with the erudite folks what’s already writ in. That’s where sex is–not twixt my legs, rather twixt my ears!

  9. 9
    Clytia

    I don’t like blowjobs. Or any sex with men, at that, so it’s not particularly relevant to me.
    But someone could just as easily say that liking anal sex mean I’m not a lesbian and am simply repressing my desire for a “real” penis. Or some bullshit like that.
    Which, of course, is a load of bullshit.
    Women will what whatever they want, and no one, be they a patriarchal dingbat or a militant feminist, has the right, authority, knowledge, or anything else, to claim that they know what {all} women want.
    As, indeed, Greta herself recently pointed out.
    http://gretachristina.typepad.com/greta_christinas_weblog/2009/02/psychic-lesbians.html

  10. 10
    sterculius

    I absolutely LOVE giving blowjobs, With me, it’s a power thing. It’s very powerful being in control of another persons orgasm, and to be able to play your partner like a violin. In addition, I love the sensation of a cock in my mouth and I love the challenge of seeing how deeply I can take it into my throat while at the same time, reducing its owner to tears until he’s speaking in tongues. And since I’m a guy, I also love getting blowjobs.

  11. 11
    Fat Bastard

    Fat men love to eat pussy. We do because we love eating. Also when it comes to intercourse we cannot complete with skinny men.
    Like many fat men I can only have sexual intercourse with skinny women. The mechanical considerations of a fat guy like me, Fat Bastard porking a fat girls are formidable.
    Also, fat girls generally are not attracted to fat men. Fat girls have much higher self-esteem than skinny women and we at Bigger Fatter Blog have the data to prove that fact.
    Other than masturbation, 90% of the orgasms I have are from BJs I get from skinny hookers.

  12. 12
    Jay

    I never understood how someone can call something like this wrong considering “rule 34: if it exists, there’s porn/a fetish for it.” I mean, I love giving blow jobs. People complain about how submissive it is, but think about this: I have the power to get someone off. I’m the one in control of their pleasure. If you want to look at it from a dominance/submissive point of view, which I don’t think anyone should, look at it like that.

  13. 13
    Michael Price

    “my longsword dance team” Ok, is it just me or does that sound dirty?

Leave a Reply