Palin Pranked by Pretend President

Watch this in its entirety. Then, after you’ve picked your laughing ass off the floor, wiped the tears of mingled mirth and horror, and regained a semblance of composure, send it on to all of those relatives, coworkers, acquaintances and friends who have clung tenaciously to the idea that voting for McCain/Palin is the right thing to do for this country.

Ask them a single question afterward: do you really think that a woman naive enough to get suckered into thinking that two radio station comedians are actually the President of France and his aide, who despite clear signals that this is a prank doesn’t catch on until they tell her, is equipped to handle foreign policy responsibilities in a dangerous world?

This woman isn’t just stupid. She’s terrifyingly stupid.

(Tip o’ the shot glass to Scout Finch at Daily Kos)

Jesus Wuz a Socialist!

Some inconvenient truths about Jesus:

“From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded.” (Luke 12:48)

Sounds like that dirty liberal Jesus was an anti-American socialist commie freak, doesn’t it? I hear he was also into giving to the poor (OMG, redistribution of weath! WELFARE!!11!1!) and thought rich people would have a hard time getting into heaven.

Wait a sec. Isn’t Sarah Palin a big fan o’ Jesus? Doesn’t that make her an anti-American socialist commie freak?

Why, yes. Yes, I believe it does.

Paradise!

Could it be real? Could there truly be such a perfect escape route?


Imagine the unimaginable: Todd Palin picking out curtain patterns for the vice-presidential mansion. In such an eventuality, whither shall we flee?

Four years ago, Democrats made a lot of noise about Canada, but as political statements go, there’s not much sting to “I’m so mad at America I’m going to move a few degrees of latitude northward.” Tina Fey has suggested we leave Earth altogether, but at the risk of reviving a discredited rubric, I’d like to propose a “third way.” Actually, I’ll let sociologist Phil Zuckerman propose it. In “Society Without God: What the Least Religious Nations Can Tell Us About Contentment,” he tells of a magical land where life expectancy is high and infant mortality low, where wealth is spread and genders live in equity, where happy, fish-fed citizens score high in every quality-of-life index: economic competitiveness, healthcare, environmental protection, lack of corruption, educational investment, technological literacy … well, you get the idea.

To a certain jaded sensibility, what makes Scandinavia particularly magical is what it lacks. “There is no national anti-gay rights movement,” writes Zuckerman, “there are no ‘Jesus fish’ imprinted on advertisements in the yellow pages, there are no school boards or school administrators who publicly doubt the evidence for human evolution … there are no religiously inspired ‘abstinence only’ sex education curricula … there are no parental groups lobbying schools and city councils to remove Harry Potter books from school and public libraries … there are no restaurants that include Bible verses on their menus and placemats, there are no ‘Faith Nights’ at national sporting events …”

It’s… it’s utopia. It sounds too good to be true! It sounds like… paradise.

If McCain somehow steals this election, I am so there!

Don’t Miss Your Chance to Interview Sarah Palin!

One thing McCain provided us with his disastrous pick: endless opportunities for amusement.

First we had the Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator. Then we had the Gibson and Couric interviews. Assorted and sundry gaffes, misstatements, flotsam of the past rising up to sink her, protests, and a zillion other utterly unbelievable idiocies chronicled lavishly here and on other blogs.

Now, we have the Interview Palin site:

Q: What is the role of the US in Iraq and Afghanistan?

A: Iraq and Afghanistan will lead to war and it doesn’t have to lead, as I said, to a Cold War. We must have good relationship with our allies, pressuring, also, helping us to a position like we are a free and we have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the terrorists who are hell bent on destroying America and American troops are providing in his country. But no, the Pakistani people also, they want freedom. They want democratic values and tolerance and freedom. I see the United States of America, where do they go? It’s Alaska.

Let’s perform an experiment, shall we? Place a transcript from the Couric interviews – any question and answer you like – side-by-side with this randomly-generated gobbledygook and ask a sampling of people to try to figure out which is which. I’ll just about guarantee you they’ll do no better than chance.

These things are like bonbons. I’ll just indulge in one more:

Q: Why should the US elect Senator McCain?

A: John McCain has a great plan to get in there and fix it. It is for no more politics as usual. And somebody’s big, fat resume maybe that shows decades and decades in that Washington establishment, where, yes, they’ve had opportunity to change, and who’s actually done it? That’s something that John McCain had pushed for, more troops? A counterinsurgency strategy?” And he said, “yes.” And he also showed great appreciation for what America needs today.

Delicious!

Faux News Impervious to Reality’s Bitch-Slap

It takes a special sort of (for want of a better word) mind to be confronted with clear, unequivocal reality, and promptly make up your own:

Thankfully, the Faux News team is full of such (for want of a better word) minds.

If any of you can’t watch videos online (pity), what you would have witnessed is this: Faux News “reporter” asks folks in a diner who’s voting for McCain. Only the “reporter” raises his hand. Upon being asked who’s voting for Obama, every hand except for the reporter’s goes up. “Reporter” declares a split decision and announces that this is why Pennsylvania’s a battleground state.


If this is what battleground states are going to look like this November, I think I can stop worrying about the election now.

A Little Levity is in Order

This is the first good laugh I’ve had all day:

Obama to Nation: “Fuck this shit, I’m outta here”

In the wake of an epic financial meltdown that threatens to derail the U.S. economy for years, Barack Obama announced he was ending his run for President of the United States, declaring to a stunned nation, “Man, this is bullshit.”

In a boisterous and hastily-called press conference, Obama detailed his reasons for the decision. “I was prepared to fight global warming, reform the health care system, repair our crumbling roads, create a 21st century electric grid, find Bin Laden, end the war in Iraq, and bring peace to Israel and the Palestinians. But now you tell me I have to clean up the worst financial mess since the Great Depression too? One that’s going to plunge our economy into a recession for most of my administration while I take the blame? Fuck that. That’s fucking ridiculous. You guys clean up your own shit. I’m outta here.”

I’m glad someone’s sense of humor hasn’t been bludgeoned out of them by the relentless, criminal stupidity of the right wing.

And, I have to say, if Obama chooses to make this parody a reality, I won’t blame him a damned bit.

(Tip o’ the shot glass to PZ)

Well, I Missed Talk Like a Pirate Day…

…but it looks like I could still make Talk Like a Republican Day:

Now, for Pirates, the “talk” has pretty much crystalized around outdated nautical terms (eg: “hoist the gibbards and flagrums! Unmarnish the pocks and lee or it’s the squibbens for ye!!”) followed by liberal use of the word “Avast” and total overapplication of the syllable “Arrr”.

But, in my Utopian future, when contemporary republican mores have long-since been rejected for the medieval throwback that they are, what will it mean to “talk like a Republican”? Well, for that answer, we need to turn to the time-honored pseudoscience of linguistics (with apologies to Lakoff & Chomsky, it’s only “pseudo” the way I’m about to do it). Linguistic theory would start us out with three major dialect groups of fake republicanese:

1. Flagrant stereotyping: pretty much as in the example above. Just take all the stuff we hate about republicans and talk about it as if you had a thong wrapped around your brain real tight:

Gurgh! Bring me some Jesus car oil beer! Urgh! Macaca!

I don’t actually approve of this dialect, since it involves stereotyping, which offends my delicate liberal sensibilities on principle.

2. Excessive Malapropisms: Pretty much the way I imagine Rick Davis talking. This is by fair the most straightfrontward way of going about it. Irregardless of how well you know your republican talking points, it’s easy to sound republican these days if you just talk a little ineducated. In lieu of what a total ignoramis our president has been, one can see how the republicans earned that imprimotter. Still, I’m not as inflatulated with this dialect, as it seems kind of pubile.

3. Framing Diarrhea: This is my favorite dialect, and the one I encourage all of you to slip into your comments for the rest of the day (oh and don’t worry about explaining it, just put a link back to this diary…). Not to legislate from the diary or anything, but we’re in a war on fundamentalist extremism. We need to serve a cause greater than our own self-interest, and get the republicans off our backs. We need to reduce the size of sentences, and strengthen subordinate clauses. After all, conjugation should be between a subject and a verb. We need to restore participle values and leave no preposition behind. This is no time to cut and run – We are all republicans now.

The rest of that diary had me howling, despite the fact I can’t breathe, and the only part of my face I can really feel after so much cold medicine is the region where my sinuses are threatening to explode. “Arr, *hack cough hack*” rather kills the mystique of talking like a pirate, but “hack” is dead-on for talking like a Republicon. I think I can attempt this:

“My friends, the fundamentals of our health are strong. I said ‘Thanks but no thanks’ to that healthcare to nowhere – if we wanted health insurance that wouldn’t do us a darned bit of good, we’d pay for it ourselves. The solution to intolerable sinus pressure is to ‘drill baby drill!’ And that’s the kind of change I will bring to this cold and flu season.”

Well, that was easy. I just feel this bizarre urge to take a shower now…