Gawd-Awful Teevee

Back when I was just a young ‘un, walking to school in my bare feet uphill both ways with the snow knee-deep even in May, there was this show called Battlestar Galactica. It warn’t the same show you kids watch, now. This ‘un had unicorns and pig-ignorant Cylons and really awful space battles, and every inhabited planet had humans what spoke the same language as the heroes.

Yup.

Even the Teevee Guide channel described it as a “Big-budget sci-fi flop that was more than a bit reminiscent of Star Wars.”

Wal, I dunno ’bout that. If you’re comparing it to Episode II, mebbe.

But we loved us that show. We loved it like we love a big ol’ tub of horrible stinky cheese. Sometimes, ain’t nuthin better than a heaping helping of stinky cheese. Besides, we didn’t have all them reality teevee shows to load up on. We had to get our gawd-awful teevee where we could, and we was grateful for what the good lords at ABC gave us. Grateful, I tells ya.

You kids these days just don’t have no appreciation for classic cheese.

Gawd-Awful Teevee
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The Amazing Adventures of the Abstinence Fairy

Bristol Palin’s decided to crusade for abstinence. The opportunities for mockery are endless:

Bristol Palin has successfully shed her image as a jilted unwed mother. Through the magical gullibility of Republican voters and the mainstream medias’ ability to completely suspend their viewers’ disbelief, Bristol Palin has been miraculously transformed into… the Abstinence Fairy!
Faster than a speeding condom…
More powerful than raging teenage hormones…
Able to leap her Mom’s hypocrisy in a single bound!

Look! Up in the sky!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s the Abstinence Fairy!

I wonder if this miracle of fail will be any consolation to the abstinence-only shysters who are even now wailing and gnashing their teeth over the loss of their funding, stamping their feet and screaming “Are too successful!” in the face of studies debunking their efficiency? After all, there are few spokespeople more effective for abstinence than those for whom it didn’t do diddly-shit.

(Tip o’ the shot glass to Mike at Crooks and Liars)

The Amazing Adventures of the Abstinence Fairy

Somebody Bring Me a Chainsaw

Tree Porn


There’s only one time of year when deforestation starts looking really fucking tempting. That’s when every tree in the forest is having an orgy.

They’ve been at it for weeks now. All I want to do is breathe again. Somebody bring me a chainsaw. A really fucking big chainsaw. And lots of fuel.

What’s that you say?

Pollution would mean asthma 365 instead of 30?

Nevermind.

You got lucky, trees.

Somebody Bring Me a Chainsaw

Premium Snark: LOTR Edition

Thank you, John Pieret. This is absolutely the pure Colombian snark:

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

I’m hooked.

Premium Snark: LOTR Edition

Suckerz

When The Colbert Report first started airing, Stephen almost hoodwinked me. He’s such a good satirist I thought he might actually be conservative for an episode or so.

Turns out that, being a dirty flaming librul, I should’ve had no doubts:

The Irony of Satire

This study investigated biased message processing of political satire in The Colbert Report and the influence of political ideology on perceptions of Stephen Colbert. Results indicate that political ideology influences biased processing of ambiguous political messages and source in late-night comedy. Using data from an experiment (N = 332), we found that individual-level political ideology significantly predicted perceptions of Colbert’s political ideology. Additionally, there was no significant difference between the groups in thinking Colbert was funny, but conservatives were more likely to report that Colbert only pretends to be joking and genuinely meant what he said while liberals were more likely to report that Colbert used satire and was not serious when offering political statements. Conservatism also significantly predicted perceptions that Colbert disliked liberalism. Finally, a post hoc analysis revealed that perceptions of Colbert’s political opinions fully mediated the relationship between political ideology and individual-level opinion.

I’m sorry, but that cracks me up. It’s an awesome demonstration of cluelessness.

Oh, and in case you’re worried the liberals are the ones seeing only what they want to see, you can rest easy:

Although by his own account he was not particularly political before joining the cast of The Daily Show, Colbert is a self-described Democrat.[70][71] In an interview at the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard Institute of Politics, he stated that he has “no problems with Republicans, just Republican policies.”[72]

(One of us! One of us! One of – ahem, sorry.)

All of this just goes to prove my point. Satire is currently impossible. But I’m glad that hasn’t stopped Stephen.


Join me in an enthusiastic tip o’ the shot glass to George, who sends me the most awesomest things.

Suckerz

Best. Help. Wanted. Ad. Ever.

If you’re a political junkie with mad blogging skillz and don’t mind living in D.C., I think you’d better take a look at this:

ThinkProgress is hiring a reporter/blogger to join our team at the Center for American Progress Action Fund. We’re looking for enthusiastic applicants who slave away at a keyboard have strong research/writing experience, don’t sleep have a desire to consume large amounts of news, beat the media at their own game have a passion for researching and reporting online, and don’t mind being stalked by Bill O’Reilly’s crew.

Glorious. I’d go for it if I were a better researcher and didn’t hate the East coast so (nothing personal, my dear denizens of the east – it’s just not my geography). That’s the greatest want ad in the known universe.*

(I know some wag’s going to come up with something even funnier, so let me qualify that statement: it’s the greatest want ad in the known universe written by staffers at a professional enterprise that I’ve personally seen.)

Best. Help. Wanted. Ad. Ever.

The Things I Learn Watching Teevee

I’ve got NatGeo’s Inside Kung Fu Secrets playing in the background, and I’m wincing. You all get to wince, too.

Did you know there’s such a thing as “Iron Crotch Kung Fu“? I wish I didn’t.

Last year in late October, an unbelievable qigong stunt caught the world’s attention. Three men dragged a truck loaded with 100 passengers a meter across a Taipei parking lot. While towing a meter isn’t very far (even with a 10-ton load) the size didn’t matter as much as the method. They pulled it with their penises. That’s right – read that again if you must – three men hauled 10 tons of truck and passengers by roping their penises to the truck fender and pulling backwards. These men practice the most forbidden qigong kungfu of all – they train their genitals.

[snip]

Master Tu has another extraordinary stunt in the works. He is in the process of getting clearance from the Taiwanese government to borrow a 747 jet airplane. Tu figures 20 to 24 of his top students, by strapping their penises, 6 to 8 men per wheel, can generate combined penis pulling power to move the 18,000-kilogram (39,780 lbs!) 747. That’s over a ton and a half per penis.

People are weird.

The Things I Learn Watching Teevee

To My Texas Readers

You have my deepest sympathies, my darlings. Should all the right-wing freaks invade Texas in the hopes of a glorious revolution, I have a couch. And an air mattress. They’re not big, but they’re not surrounded by wingnut lunatics, either. Just one small homicidal cat, who will stop trying to rip your throat out if you wave a vacuum cleaner at her. One will be provided at no cost to you.


You know where to find me if the above items are needed. But there is hope for sanity in Texas, my darlings:

Now, things can be a mite crazy in Texas — the motto of its capital city, after all, is “Keep Austin Weird” — but there’s crazy and then there’s downright stupidly dangerous. And when somebody like Governor Goodhair veers off into catering to the worst instincts and fantasies of the worst persons in possession of voter registration, even tolerant Texans will step forward to call him on it. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Texas state senator Rodney Ellis:

“It was only 12 years ago that Texas had a deadly stand-off with those urging secession. Governor Bush stood up to those fringe elements. I urge Governor Perry to ramp down the rhetoric and state unequivocally — as Governor Bush did in the 1990s — that secession is not only not an option, it isn’t going to be part of the political discussion.

“In the last week, we’ve seen an extremely troubling escalation of rhetoric. Talking about state’s rights, the oppressive hand of the federal government and secession brings up some pretty bad memories in this state. It was not all that long ago that those were the exact words used by those who opposed desegregation and the civil rights movement. The top elected official in the second largest state with our history simply cannot be so loose with his comments. He’s not a radio or cable TV talk show host.”

Ellis isn’t the only prominent Texan outraged by Perry’s playing to the knuckledraggers and playing with fire. State house Democratic leader Jim Dunnam, whose district represents Waco, had some words for the governor as well:

Every Texas elected official takes an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States. I take oaths seriously, and that one most of all. And every day during the legislative session we pledge “allegiance” to the flag of the United States.

We even require every public school child to recite the pledge — every day. That is “one nation, under God, indivisible.”

“Indivisible.”

Yesterday, our Governor had the opportunity to disavow anti-American rhetoric of secession. He chose not to, and instead he chose affirm those who believe and actually contemplate that our nation is divisible.

What do I say to my youngest daughter when she asks “why do I recite the pledge every day at school, if our Governor doesn’t believe it?”

Hopefully Gov. Perry simply made a mistake; a mistake I call on him to correct by unequivocally declaring that our nation is one and indivisible, and that talk of secession from the union is thoughtless and reckless.

Perhaps he did not understand that words are important and that talk of secession carries heavy meaning.

You’re not the only sane ones in Texas. Take heart.

To My Texas Readers