So, I’m thinking of breaking up with B.
He’s a great person, and I know he loves me a lot. He’s even said so. I love him, too. He’s got his quirks and rough edges that sometimes grate, but everyone’s got those. What he’s got that’s the potential deal-breaker, though, is brothers he won’t stand up to. And I’m so done with that.
It’s been festering a long time. Younger Bro hasn’t liked me since I asked him not to tell rape jokes in my presence. He’s convinced himself feminists are some sort of evil man-hating force out to destroy men, and won’t listen when B tries to tell him otherwise. He’s not an MRA yet, and he thinks GamerGate is bullshit, so there’s hope. But bringing him around would take an enormous amount of effort. I’d be willing to try, but… he’s not the only one.
Elder Bro is a selfish shit who lords it over both of the younger brothers. He’s gotta have his way right away, or he’ll throw a huge fit. He basically banned me from the house when B quit his job, because he held me responsible for B’s decision despite my having nothing to do with it. And now he’s determined to buy a home, which means he wants his younger brothers to put in tens of thousands of dollars each for the down payment on a house he’ll almost certainly have the gall to kick them out of the instant he finds the right woman and gets married. B doesn’t want to sink that much money into a house in this market, but he won’t say no to Elder. And, of course, chances are I’d remain banned from the house B would now co-own. And would feel obligated to live in.
B and I had been considering Montana – his folks want him back there, and his mother has already invited me to move in, sight-unseen. But yesterday, apparently, in the middle of forcing his brothers to go to a 4th of July display they had exactly 0 desire to watch, Elder apparently convinced B to nix those plans. I know why, too – it’s not because it would be the wrong decision for B, or not right for their parents, but because he won’t let a third of his down payment walk out the door. From what it sounds like, he’s talked B out of even going back for a visit.
I didn’t have my heart set on Montana. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go – that’s why we were going to visit first. But the fact that Elder exerts this much control over B – to the point where he rolls over and obeys without even talking to me first when it comes to something we were deciding for our own selves, together – tells me that it’s probably time to exit this relationship.
And that frankly kills me, because I love him and don’t want to be without him. I don’t want to hurt him, or cause issues with his family. But I am so very done with this shit. I’m not the type of person who can quietly take being shit on endlessly. I’m not interested in staying with someone who’s too dominated by his brothers to be my partner. I’m not at all interested in trying to be part of a family where several members despise me. I have no patience for bullshit like this.
Depression tells me I’ll never do any better and don’t deserve anything else. But I know that’s not true. I bloody well deserve someone who’s got my back. I know I can do better than this. Quite frankly, even if I never find anyone else, it’ll still be an improvement. I was brilliant on my own.
We’re supposed to talk later today, and B’s supposed to explain what exactly Elder said and why he changed his mind. We’ll see what happens then. I could be wrong, and Elder may have had some genius idea that would make all of us happy. But I doubt it. And I doubt B will be able to stand up to him, even when his well-being and our relationship are on the line. So it very much seems that I’ll be single again by this time next month.
It sucks. It could get kinda emo around here. But I intend to get past it and throw myself fully into writing for you lot, so we’ll get by.
Thanks for listening, my darlings. I’m glad that no matter what happens, I’ll always have you.
http://imgur.com/XHpWTI8 have a kitty pic
Hang on to yourself! I don’t know what the right pathway is, but I’m sure you’ll make a wise decision that is as consistent as possible with all available information.
The bible says that people should leave their birth family/brothers and hook up. (Perhaps not the original phrasing.) But it doesn’t specify with whom.
It will be interesting to see if B’s thought process now is more primitive than, equal to, or more progressive than the old testiclement. Good luck. We’re all rooting for you, no matter how things come out.
By the way, thanks for selling some of your precious surplus books. One of those I got was a beautifully illustrated book on caves of the world, and I treasure it even more, knowing that it is a topic of interest we share, and which I can look forward to encountering future tidbits of fascinating information as they turn up to be relevant on your blog. Your writing makes the natural world inspiring.
And I am looking forward next month to my students seeing a sample of your Gneiss Schist that I will be displaying in my college’s science building in the window of the hallway with my office. Thanks.
I’m hardly qualified to give interpersonal advice, but I think that the best thing to do would be to lay out clearly and without rancor your concerns. Arguing won’t help. Be as calm as you can be and if B gets angry, cut it off without finality and let him think about it for a while. Demanding that he make a choice right here and now is likely to feel to him like he is being backed into a corner between his brothers and you. Give him room to consider what he really wants.
Honestly, it seems like the best thing possible for you and B right now would be to move to Montana. Put some distance between his Elder Brother, and just be in a different place for a while. (I guess you can’t just move in with their mom on your own, right?)
I know. That’s me, writing a comment on the internet, how easy. I really hope B figures things out for himself, because… abusive relationships come in all kinds of forms, and that is one abusive sibling relationship. :( Forcing your brothers to fork over down payments, even when they don’t want to? Seriously… if the house is that fancy, maybe he should look for something more along his personal financial abilities? Upgrade when there is a woman (hopefully working and salaried) in the picture (for him) (or man, for that matter)? I know, I know, that’s the Elder Brother, but *sigh* I feel for you and for B, it’s really hard to break the family ties, even when you know you should and you know why you should. :(
As for you, my dear, please know that you absolutely deserve the best the universe has to offer (though how anyone can measure up to you, I have no idea), and if you do let B go, please know that you will find yourself another partner, because the good ones are out there. And if you do keep B, please know that it wouldn’t be just settling, it would be because he finally found the guts to stand up for what he wants and needs in life, and if he chooses you, well, that is far from settling!!!
And if it comes down to you being ready to move forward, and B keeping up with the waffling, then you have to do what’s best for you and your mental health and stability. Because living with uncertainty is shit, and you sure as hell deserve more than that. I’ll be sad if B isn’t the one who is able to be with you, though. :( Y’all had some adventures.
*HUGS*
“I was brilliant on my own.”
There it is.
I second everything rq said. I hope B figures things out, but it’s not your job to stick around while he ruins his chances for goodness in the meantime. You have to look out for yourself, and as you said, you deserve someone who has your back.
I don’t know what to say or advise. Just virtual (((hugs))) from me if you want them and hope it works out okay.
Here is some unasked for advice based on experience. Feel free to tell me to bugger off. If B is a waffler (it appears so) and you terminate the relationship, can you make that termination unequivocal? If not, you may end up with years worth of back and forth. Definitely not worth it in my case. A waste of time and emotional energy. And putting up with a lifetime of in-laws who despise you seems another waste of valuable everything. Personally, I’d get myself unattached ASAP then go out and play. And think of all the good writing that could evolve from that. Good luck dear Dana. We are here for you.
You are wonderful, my dear, and you deserve wonderful. Based on how much you care about him, I would say B also deserves better than he’s been giving himself/letting himself take. All my best to both of you. <3
Oh boy, Dana. What a one-two punch you’ve just taken!
I have no advice to offer. All I can say is, as someone who’s been single and unattached for, well, ever… it ain’t so bad.
Sympathy and virtual hugs are at your service.
Good luck!! *hugs* Remember that we think you are fabulous!
You are the greatest. And you deserve the greatest. Never forget that.
Dana, I am so sorry you are in this mess. It sure sounds to me like you have a very clear-headed picture of the situation.
Even if the personal/living arrangements could be worked out to everyone’s satisfaction now, I would say B is risking a lot of future problems if he co-owns something as significant as a house with his brother. I have been an employee at a company that was essentially a partnership. I have been in a business partnership with a good friend, and in a real estate partnership with my father and my siblings. I had serious difficulties, including broken relationships happen at every one of them. The prospect of money and/or power is incredibly corrosive.
Maybe you could get B to watch The Treasure of the Sierra Madre before he commits to anything. He can take it from me, there is a lot of truth in that work of fiction.
Shit, Dana, I’m so sorry. B needs to decide what’s important. And to grow up, I guess.
Damn. Sometimes it seems like it’s just one thing after another. Really sorry to hear this.
More along the lines of an observation than advice – we all bring baggage to a relationship, and sometimes new baggage crops up along the way. No one but you can decide if the relationship is worth dealing with it.
I would second the thought from moarscienceplz – B should be extremely wary of financial entanglements with friends or family. Doubly so, I would say, given the brother’s history of shitty behavior.
In any case, I sincerely hope that it all works out for the best.
Dana, so sorry about all your recent travails. I’d vote like rq if up north was to your liking after a visit, and I second what Stephanie said. Hugs, SF.
Why does B’s family remind me of the FLDS stories you’ve been blogging about?
If B does decide to put in the money to help Elder Bro buy the house, hopefully he will have enough sense to either insist on having his name on the title as well or have Elder Bro sign a promissory note with the house as collateral.