Something so divine as Holy Schist isn’t created in a single day. It’s a lengthy process that can take months, and is filled with a lot of mystical wotsit and sacred somethingorother. I shall now initiate you into the mysteries!

First, over two hundred million years in the past, volcanic islands must erupt, and their rocks erode into submarine sediment fans. Over the next several million years, the sediments become sandstones and shales. Give them about 100 million years to run into the nearest major continent, another several dozen million years for some pretty intense contact and regional metamorphism to take place, and then another few million years for the mountains above them to erode away and new mountains rise, lifting them up from deep in the earth and exposing them to the elements.

Now that’s all done, you must take a heroic journey across tall and dangerous mountains, alongside a raging river, and then up a creek into the icy gorge, where you will find unhallowed garnet mica schist.

Collect some of the loose bits the creek has so thoughtfully eroded out for you. Return to your temple. Eventually get ordained into the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Before you perform the blessing, there must be the ceremonial pissing off of the homicidal felid. Your first mate can perform this task.

After the cat goddess is sated, gather your schist in the Consecrated Colander.

Now, you must start the pastaral pot boiling, and prepared to add the numinous noodles. We are, of course, using angel hair.

And, of course, a dash of the sacred sea salt.

Wave the schist gently through the sanctifying steam.

The drip a bit of the unworldly water on it.

Et voila, the schist is blessed. It is now Holy Schist! R’amen.

There are still some beautiful specimens available. Grab yours before they’re gone! Crossing the mountains in winter time is right out, I’m afraid, so if you miss out on this batch, you’ll have to wait til summer. Bummer!