Are you going to make it worse?
The reason I ask is because I’d got rather addicted to this Twilight sporking by Das Mervin. All right, so the homophobia and gendered slurs make me wince, and I wish she wasn’t so Catholic that she refrains from giving religious fuckery a good pounding when necessary, but I still couldn’t stop reading. I couldn’t stop even though I kept kicking myself over spending time with this when I had other things to do. I couldn’t stop even when I was screaming along with her at the sheer bloody awfulness of these books. I don’t even remember exactly how I got started – something about wanting to know a bit more about Twilight because of Fifty Shades, but not wanting to go through the agony of reading the actual books. I mean, I appreciate good books. Everyone I’ve ever loved and trusted have said these books are horrible, even the people who like them. They’ve told me enough about them for me to know I should never read them. I will end up like Mervin, tearing out my hair, doing other violence to myself, and screaming myself hoarse over the lack of plot, the horrific grammar, the awful storytelling, the abusive relationships, the g-rated rapes, and other awfulness I can glimpse only dimly through the protective glass others have placed between me and these books.
But…
I’m actually tempted to read them myself, just to see how horrific they really are.
Alone and unshielded, I would read every damned word, and report my findings to you, so that you may laugh at my pain. But it’s only worth it if you want my impression of these things. Otherwise, I will set temptation aside, and aside from sporkings, never touch it again.
What do you think? Do you want me to do this? Do you have certain themes you want me to look for and expound upon? Would you like these books thoroughly savaged, even if you love them? Do you want me pointing out where she got the local geology laughably wrong? If you ask me, I will do this for you. Because I love you. But not like Edward loves Bella, because that’s just dysfunctional.
Along the way, I’d be reading some better fiction, and giving you reviews of it as an antidote to Twilight. Also, we’ll take a trip to Forks, and poke around the local geology while we tip our hats to the locals’ ability to mine shit for gold. (I’ve been through Forks, once. They’ve branded everything with Twilight crap, and the fans apparently eat it up. We’ll see if everything’s still Twilight-branded now or if they’ve decided cash isn’t as crucial as dignity.)
So, what do you think? Want this done? I’ll do it under one condition: one of you will have to send me the books. I’m not going to buy the damned things. I don’t want you buying them for me, either. Stephenie Meyer has made enough money from this drivel. But if you’ve got copies haunting your house, and you haven’t wanted to take them to the used bookstore because you’re a better citizen than to release that tripe into the community, then let me know, and I’ll pay the shipping for you to send them to me.
We’ll mine their rich veins of fail.
Then I’ll figure out something useful to do with them. Perhaps turn them into pet bedding, or use their crumpled pages as packing material as I ship you the rocky trinkets you’ve ordered from the Etsy store I swear is coming soon and will probably be called Dana Hunter’s Gneiss Schist because I can’t bloody resist a geological pun. Or perhaps you’ll come up with an even better fate for them.
So let me know at dhunterauthor at gmail whether you want me to murder brain cells like this. And if you do, we’ll get started just after I finish setting up stores and bleaching my brain with some good fiction.
Also, if you wish to donate small amounts of cash for the copious amounts of alcohol it will take to survive this, or larger amounts for the diligent medical attention it will take to recover from the alcohol poisoning, feel free to make enthusiastic use of the donate button in the sidebar.
I remember doing the exact same thing, except I was reading along with Mark over at http://markreads.net/
I think this would be fun, but alas (alas?) I’ve no copy of the book to send you.
I’ve never understood the fascination with vampires & zombies, so I can’t help you out. And what with all of the creationist crap you’ve plowed through, I’d say that you have suffered enough. I suggest that you use your brain cells on something more worthy.
Actual pieces of crap can be studied and teach us lots of interesting things. I don’t think the same is true of literary pieces of crap.
All I could say is, if you do it, I’ll read every word you have to say abut it. But I wouldn’t recommend it.^^
I’m generally interested in anything you post, but if you write about Twilight I won’t read it. Spend the time writing your own fiction. I’m sure that would be better for you and your readers.
1. They’re dead stuff that move around and say fuck you to entropy and the laws of physics, therefore cool
2. They allow authors and nerds to play with complex, elaborate backstories and narrative rules, therefore fun
3. They give shape to nebulous fears (being trapped under the rule of parasitic lords, being crushed under the anonymous mass of our fellow human beings), therefore interesting
Thus
calvinismvampirism.As for the Twilight series, the weird fascination comes from the fact that’s its a mess of disjoined ideas which could have led to a somewhat interesting story if penned by a more competent author: it’s like listening to someone torturing an expensive piano: it hooks your brain because on a gut level, you expect something beautiful to be heard, yet the noise never fails to bore into your eardrums the contrast between your quasi-instinctive expectations and the actual result is so stark that you just can go away from it.
I dunno. I kind of do want you to read them, but I am a bit concerned that creationist textbooks + Twilight = Dana’s brain go ‘splodey.
I might read those posts for entertainment value, but I’d most likely skip them, like I have the movies and books.
If it helps pretty sure the movies ( well I saw the first and part one of the last was on Tv 50 million times so I saw most of that travesty) were actually worse then the books. I will admit I only managed to get through the first book. I would have to have taken up smoking or maybe drinking on a work night to read any more, which I wasn’t willing to do. So keep that in mind if you do take on the project. ;)
I’ll check and see if we still have the books.
If you read 50 Shades, Twilight is going to be like high literature. You’ll actually enjoy the books, and for one sparkly moment, you’ll believe that it really is love (and not another stalker relationship with his prey), only because Christian Grey and Miss Steele are that much worse. And this aspect of the books is most terrifying of all.
Also, vampires – never got the fashion. Same with zombies. *shrug* Even if there were no vampires or werewolves in these stories, they’d still be crap. 50 Shades kind of proves that they’d be even more crap, but the author did far more poorly there, too, so it’s not just the characters.
Annnnnyway. Don’t torture yourself too much, I have need of that brilliant mind of yours as respite from the daily drudgery, so don’t go ruining it for some pretend bit of ‘fun’! ;) (Okay fine, do what you like. :) )