I Think Jesus Probably Hates You


There’s a preacher man on The Ultimate Fighter 19. A lot of MMA fighters are religious; B and I have a good eye-roll at the ones who ink crosses and bible verses all over their bodies, and the ones who fall to their knees thanking God for helping them beat the shit outta that other Christian. But this is the first time I’ve seen an actual preacher in the cage.

Todd Monaghan getting ready to fight Daniel Spohn, TUF 19.

Todd Monaghan getting ready to fight Daniel Spohn, TUF 19.

I don’t think God actually likes this preacher – Todd Monaghan – very much. I mean, sure, Todd got to live the dream by submitting his opponent with an arm bar, thus winning a spot on the show. So far, so “God loves meeeee!” But then he got defeated his very first fight against an opponent who didn’t seem to like hitting preachers in the face. Daniel Spohn (who got into The Ultimate Fighter house by knocking a tough dude out cold in front of the dude’s mom) pretty much just dumped Todd on the ground and kept him there for the entire fight. His corner screamed at Spohn to score some points with some ground-and-pound. Dana White, lord and master of the UFC, nearly puked with boredom. But Spohn just kind of hugged and squeezed, while Mr. Man-o-God did not listen to the excellent advice being screamed at him by the two legendary fighters coaching him. Perhaps he couldn’t hear them over the sound of his praying. It ended with Todd basically being cuddled to defeat and the man who could make-or-break his MMA career thoroughly disgusted with him. God works in mysterious ways, eh, Preacher Todd?

Daniel Spohn hugging Todd Monaghan into submission.

Daniel Spohn hugging Todd Monaghan into submission.

Alas, he’s around for the whole season, because losers stay in the house to watch everyone else win. And he probably now believes God only wanted him there to win souls. Sigh. Happily, most of his preaching appears to have been left on the cutting room floor.

But it’s not the defeat that makes me think that if Jesus actually exists, he can’t stand Preacher Todd. It’s not even the fact Jesus doesn’t seem to want him preaching the gospel on teevee in between yakking to the audience about the other fighters. It’s the stuff Jesus has done for him that makes me wonder.

You see, Preacher Todd is a man who has been blessed by God. We got to hear all about it the Sunday before his defeat, when he gave a little sermon to the guys about how his life had been soooo shitty before God. He told ‘em how he’d been adopted by a white family in Iowa, who protected him from gangs and stuff, but couldn’t do his African-American hair right, so the black kids teased him. So he got into fights, and the next thing he knew – bam – he started “selling things I shouldn’t sell.” His life of crime doesn’t sound at all bad: all that robbing and stealing got him lots of nice things in college. He’d make at least $1,000 per weekend, so he had all the “ladies” he wanted, 5 pairs of gold teeth, more shoes than Imelda Marcos, and apparently no jail time worth mentioning.

Then his neighbor got all up in his face with some bible verses and knowing Christ as his savior, so he decided to do it “God’s way.” He didn’t say what that is, but did assure everyone that God blessed him with a Jaguar for his very first car after converting. Coulda been a Pinto, and “materials” aren’t important, he sez, but God gave him a Jaguar. And he’s not bragging or materialistic or anything, but God’s also blessed him with a camper and a boat and a brand new Tahoe. We weren’t told if the gold jewelry and Rolex watch he wears are also blessings or were purchased with the ill-gotten gains of his youth, but God surely has blessed Preacher Todd with many nice vehicles. That’s what you get when you are, and I quote, “taking care of business” for the Lord.

This is the point where I started laughing my ass off – I mean, seriously, a Baptist MMA fighter spouting all this Prosperity Gospel bullshit? LOLZ.

Now, I’m an atheist, and I really think Todd has managed to bless his own self with all this stuff, both back when he stole it and now that he’s earning it with the sweat of his brow. But something struck me that has never occurred to me before.

If we take this shit at face value, if there is a Jesus and he did say that shit attributed to him in the New Testament, such as:

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God. (Mark 10:25)

and really meant it:

Again, I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the Kingdom of God. (Matthew 19:24)

what does it mean if Jesus makes you rich?

Sounds to me like JC can’t stand Preacher Todd and all these other Prosperity Gospel ratfuckers, and is making absolutely damned sure he won’t have to spend eternity with them. I can tell you from personal experience that there is zero chance of any standard camel getting through the eye of quite large needles.

Image shows a dromedary camel standing in profile, with its head turned toward the camera. It appears to be smiling.

Standard camel. Rather too large to stuff even through a needle meant for yarn. Image courtesy Jjron via Wikimedia Commons.

Now, murderers, rapists, thieves, and other assorted assholes can repent and be saved, thus ensuring they end up in Heaven.

But do you really think these Prosperity Gospel greedlords will ever do what Jesus commands in Mark 10:21?

Image shows an orange and white cat lying atop an enormous stack of money, looking defensive. Caption says, MINENope.

Which means, if Jesus is making you rich, you might want to consider what that says about his long-term plans for you and your soul.

Comments

  1. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    LOL. Yep.

    Incidentally, if all the luxury goods and financial richness means God hates this materialist peacher Todd, he must really loathe the Catholic (& Mormon) Church!

  2. says

    I got in trouble from a ref once for asking the coach of an opposing team, who had just led his side in a prayer on the pitch prior to the second half of a game they were winning (Jeebus didn’t like them either; I came on as a sub, set up a tying goal, and got a great header off a corner to win it), what they thought happened when they played another team of prayerful types.

    “Um, sir?” says Gabriel. “We’ve got another set of opposed prayers here.”

    “Fuck it,” says Jeebus. “Someone’ll get wrathful either way. Tell them ‘signs are hazy, ask again later’.”

  3. lochaber says

    Maybe he just wants the resourceful rich folk. Like the ones that can buy a industrial size food processor and a funnel?

    Sorry, had to share. I don’t really want to get too close to a camel, but I do think they are rather amusing looking, and wish no harm on them.

  4. lorn says

    I’m not interesting in defending religion but the whole “the eye of a needle” thing may be misplaced. There is actually a geographic feature that was well known in the first century known as “The eye of the needle”. It is a place where a canyon along a historic trade route narrows and is mostly blocked by rock. In the rock face there is hole just big enough for a kneeling camel to wiggle through. Persuading the camel to kneel and crawl through is arduous, but not impossible.

  5. moarscienceplz says

    @#6
    From Wikipedia:

    The “eye of the needle” has been claimed to be a gate in Jerusalem, which opened after the main gate was closed at night. A camel could only pass through this smaller gate if it was stooped and had its baggage removed. This story has been put forth since at least the 15th century, and possibly as far back as the 9th century. However, there is no evidence for the existence of such a gate.[3][4]

    Variations on this story include that of ancient inns having small entrances to thwart thieves, or a story of an old mountain pass known as the “eye of the needle”, so narrow that merchants would have to dismount from their camels and were thus more vulnerable to waiting brigands. There is no historical evidence for any of these, either. This also ignores the explanation given in Matthew 19:27:“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

    Cyril of Alexandria claimed that “camel” is a Greek misprint; that kamêlos (camel) was a misprint of kamilos, meaning “rope” or “cable”.

    Cyril’s idea would make Jesus’ claim ridiculous., so it is almost certainly wrong, too.

  6. docsarvis says

    Hey, Danny is my second cousin. Too bad he didn’t whip the shit out of that lout. I’ll talk to his dad about that.

  7. rq says

    Nice.
    I know my comments are all kind of boring right now. Just returned to internetland from no-internetland, and trying to catch up. :) Wrangling a choir isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds.

  8. Pierce R. Butler says

    It ended with Todd basically being cuddled to defeat …

    His opponent must’ve read that “love thine enemies” stuff somewhere.