Adventures in ACE III: In Which We Are Sorely Tested

ACE is famous for asinine questions. You may remember some of the greatest hits from Jonny’s blog. In this edition of AiACE (pronounced Ay-ace, with ay being that syllable you utter when something has pained you), we shall deep-dive the Science 1085 Activity PAC, and ascertain just how inane it is.

Vocabulary Section One

1. We are to match words with definitions such as “Obeying God in everything without thought for self.” Out of ten vocabulary words, four have bugger-all to do with science, two are iffy, and four are actually words one might expect on a science test.

2. Fill-in-the-blank using above vocabulary words. This section consists of completing sentences such as “One _______ of our church-school is the reading program.” Whaal, that tips the word feature from possible science term to Christianist schlock. Other sentences are great for English vocab, but don’t show how the words might be used in a scientific context. Final score: 3 lines of blatant Christianist fuckery, 3 not-science, 4 plausible for a science test.

Section One Activities

I. After reviewing the dreck in pages 3-6, we are to fill in the following blanks:

Exercise 1: To be successful in the plan that God has for your life, you need a teachable spirit.

Exercise 4: Pudge showed meekness by listening to and carrying out Mr. Friendson’s Godly instructions.

There are twelve of these. Precisely 0 (zero) have anything to do with science.

The tenth through the twelfth “activities” are to memorize and write down Psalm 133:1, including the correct spelling and punctuation. The word “obey” appears twice, and is reinforced by all this “meek” and “teachable spirit” schlock. This is how I have begun to envision Mr. Friendson:

 II-B. Next, we fill-in-the-blanks (FITB) for the divisions of Earth science. There are 21 of these soul-killing “activities;” six are merely religious indoctrination. See 31, for example:

The LORD on high is mightier than the noise of many waters, yea, than the mighty waves of the sea.

Oh, yes. So crucial to science, that.

I-C does remarkably well, considering: only one howler out of 24:

48. If you should want to study the effects of the Flood upon the earth, you would study physical science, an important part of Earth science.


We’ve now arrived at II. It is… more FITB. Do try to contain your surprise. Here, too, the “activity”-makers at ACE practiced remarkable restraint and only included one item of blatant indoctrination:

60. God made Earth, set it going, and keeps it going.

Don’t worry, though. There’s a banner at the bottom of most pages telling us to read Psalm 133:1 thrice, so God’s still everywhere!

II-B. Someone call the God Squad: the “activity” people forgot the indoctrination! It’s only eleven items, so I guess they just didn’t have room.

Now we’ve reached a section called a “Checkup.” We get a list of words, and a list of items to slot them in to. Oh my heck how exciting. Here’s where all that constant reading of Psalm 133:1 pays off, folks – we get to recite as much as we can from memory! Then check it in our Bibbles! Then copy it from the Bibble into the PAC! The excitement – I can’t stand it.

Then we, zomg, fill in moar blanks. These “activities” are the greatest!

In case you’re wondering, it’s a “checkup” because we’ve already done all these. They’re just scrambled a bit.

Section Two Activities

Out of eleven vocab words, 5 have got zip to do with science, 5 are legit, and one’s iffy – now, that’s what I call balance! We don’t get to use ’em all in FITB, alas. Of 9, 2 are used in a science context, 4 belong in the English PAC, and 3 are outright indoctrination.

Quality sci-ed Christianist style, my darlings.

III A, B and C

Yet moar FITB! By now, it’s giving me fits: I can only imagine the effect on a kid. This curriculum is certainly perfectly designed to turn them off learning for life – feature or flaw? Hmm. Anyway, after 10 exercises in finding the word from the text that’s to be slotted in, we get to exercise our sentence-composing muscles by writing “what it means to be cooperative.”


Image is a drawing of a Dalek, surrounded by the word OBEY

Black Dalek by RandomSketchGeek247, words by moi.

 IV-A. Here we FITB again. Three of the questions are nothing more than religious b.s., such as:

35. Sir Isaac knew that the more he could learn about God, the more he could understand about science and its laws.

And WTF is this obsession with titles? Copernicus, Keplar, and Galileo are all Drs. now, and Newton’s always Sir Isaac. I mean, who the honest fuck goes around talking about “Dr. Galilei”?

IV-B. Oh, what a section – all that creationist drivel about how the sun is shrinking, and just to drive the stake through the heart of actual science, we’ve got:

44. Many scientists agree that the sun can only be a few thousand years old because of the way in which the sun is consuming its own fuel and contracting.

Areyoufuckingkiddingme? Alas, no. They are serious.

IV-C & D make it out with only this howler:

66. The sun shows us that God is able to prevail over powers of darkness.

Go, Apollo!

Awgawds, here’s yet another checkup, same as the old checkup. I need an icepick for my brain…

Section Three

Pleaseohplease tell me this is the end…

Vocab: 6 of 10 are totally non-science.

Vocab FITB: 5 science, 4 silly, 1 howler:

14. As unworthy sinners, we do not deserve God’s forgiveness.

Ah, yes, the Christianist approach to self-esteem. Totally belongs in science class. Yes.


Image is a terrified black kitty with a hilarious expression trying to escape from its owner.

V – A-C. Lotsa FITB about eclipses, and also, read Mat. 13:3, Psalm 103:1, and Philemon 21, and underline which one is about cooperation, Because That’s Science. Then Moon phases. Hey, kiddies!

29. The next new moon could represent Christ being in Heaven.

And then “write Psalm 133:1 2x” because Science. Also, don’t forget:

39. As the moon reflects light from the sun, so God the Son reflects the light of God the Father.


Next, we have a FITB about tides:

41. The moon masters the tides of Earth, but Jesus Christ masters the tides of life.

You know what the scary thing is? The above proves the writers of ACE know more than Bill O’Reilly.

Image is Bill O'Reilly. Caption says, "Tide goes in, tide goes out. You can't explain that." And now we’ve reached the final Checkup. You know what this means? You should now be able to “write the PACE Scripture from memory.” How scientific is that?!

Then follows your multiple-choice, FITB self test, in which you are not allowed to think any planet other than Saturn “is the most beautiful.” Religious questions are strangely absent: I suspect they may be trying to seem somewhat educational to review boards, who can probably overlook that memorized verse, which you will write and recite to your supervisor.

On to the real test!

Thank time that’s over.

See how sneaky that is, though? If all inspectors look at are the test results, what will they see? Hmm? Two pious cartoons, lots of sciencey facts, and a memorized Bible verse. They won’t see the creationist crap, or the vigorous indoctrination. They may end up thinking these kids are getting something resembling an education, with a sprinkle or two of good clean Christianity.

Nothing could be further from the truth.


  1. says

    You wait. Some of the tests have creationism on them. The last test in the series is nothing but creationism. But I agree, creationism is only a minor feature of the tests compared to its omnipresence in the text.

    It’s also worth pointing out that every single question on every single test has previously appeared in either the self-test or the checkup, and probably both. This means that students know almost exactly what will be on the test. How educational is that?

    By the time a student gets to the test, they are seeing these sentences for the fourth or fifth time (First time: In the text. 2nd time: fitb in the activity pac. 3rd time: checkup. 4th time: self test). They have had the answers battered into their heads. Doesn’t mean they understand it.

  2. Lithified Detritus says

    I don’t know how you can plow through this stuff. I’d have hurled it across the room before the end of Section I.

  3. says

    “Obeying God in everything without thought for self.”

    (waving hand excitedly, and annoyingly, in class)
    Oh!!! Oh!!! I know this one!!!! It’s a definition of ‘stupidity’!