Caution: Emo Times Ahead


First of all: all of my love and thanks to you, my darlings, for standing with me when I needed you. Having you in my cheering section, virtual arms around me, and telling me to fight the good fight has definitely kept me from dissolving. Knowing that I’ve inspired some of you to fight the fight yourselves is immeasurably rewarding. There is a reason for doing this. What I lose is balanced by what we gain.

B and I… aren’t good. We had a talk wherein he told me I had to do this, and he was all for me doing what I had to do, that I’m right on these issues. But it’s clear he thinks I’m threatening his comfort, threatening to take away the happy fun good times and replace them with soulless corporate icky times (which, for various reasons, have a profound and negative impact on him), and no amount of me telling him that our supervisor is not going to become a humorless corporate drone just because I ask him to ease up on the unconscious transphobia and give the ladiez some equal time on the projector is reassuring him. He told me he loves me and wants to be with me, then left me crying in my parking lot instead of coming up for the Doctor Who and shrimp fest we’d planned that night. Fair enough, we were both upset. And he was kindly enough to me as a colleague at work the next day. Til he practically fled from me at lunch… and I went home sick… and I haven’t heard from him since.

Not a word.

Not a call. Not an email. Just silence.

And a part of me thinks he needs some time to process, and a part of me thinks, “Well, that’s over.” Because, you see, I’d told him to come to me when he was ready to close that distance, that I didn’t want to pressure him. But he’s nowhere in sight so far, not even a casual checking up with the “Hey, I know you weren’t feeling well, and I know the Help Center was pretty freaked out by what you had – you okay? Yes? Great. See you at work.” So what the fuck am I supposed to do or think?

What my mind has decided to do is leap to worst case scenario and the mourning process has begun, no matter how sternly I remind myself it’s early times yet. B meant a lot to me. He’s a fantastic person, caring and smart and willing to learn. We had plans and he added a lot to my life, but if my intelligence intimidates him and my little crusades make him miserable, there’s not much to salvage, then, is there? This weekend, when not spent at urgent care clinics and specialists’ offices, has been spent surveying the wreckage of a best friendship and scouting a life without him. It also means my brain has been occupied with listing other people I’ve lost for similar reasons. And gleefully battering me over the head with a list of friends I’ve neglected for no good reason.

This means I will, at times, become dreadfully emo. This could spill over into blog life, as I do things like share the current sad song I’ve got on repeat.

 Hush, hush, don’t wake up, it’s not morning
Hush, hush, sleep through this, I am warning
Why are you crying? It’s not a sad movie
Why are you crying, dear? There is nothing sad here
There is nothing sad, is there?
Angels fall in to save my soul
Sorry, Absinthe, you’re much too slow
All that glitters and all that glows
Will find a way in as soon as I go
Hush, hush, I dreamed I was happy
Hush, hush, you were happy with me
Hush, hush, feel the chill and it is real
Hush, hush, but at least you can still feel
Why are you crying? It’s not a sad movie
Why are you crying, dear? There is nothing sad here
If you want wings, just tell them so
These are the things that make us grow cold
Break the code and then just go
Love is something you seek and destroy
Then ask, “Why are you crying?”

This is the way I process this shit. And the excellent good news is, it gets better. We’ll either work it out or we won’t. If not, there was a life before B that I had, and it was great, and I’ll get used to it again. There’s still all of you. And there are coworkers who will appreciate what I’ve done and feel their lives are just that much better, and who themselves will be inspired to stand up and say when something’s bothering them rather than just let it fester. There will be people reading this online – as there already have – who will decide it’s time to take a stand and be silent no more. And the more of us who do this, the fewer there are who will have to deal with lost friendships over this shit. The less social drama there will be, and the more, “Oops, my bad, I’ll fix that. Woo-hoo, let’s go have some fun!” as opposed to the current, “YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON WHO HAS DESTROYED ALL THE FUN EVER.” Ordinary people will start babbling about everyday sexism and racism and microagressions and will be more cognizant of what they’re doing, and more willing to make things better for others, which will lead to a net increase in good times being had by all. This world will suck less day by day, for everyone except the dyed-in-the-wool haters, who are gonna be miserable until they make that change. As Grumpy Cat sez: “Good.”

There’s a decent future out there, just past the current bad stretch.

It gets better. But first it gets a little emo. And for that, you have my deepest, sincerest apologies.

Image is a stump and fallen log. Natural patterns in the wood have the appearance of an unhappy face. Caption says:Emo Log: always looking at its sadness. (Grammar and spelling corrected.)

Emo Log: always looking at its sadness. (Grammar and spelling corrected.)

Comments

  1. Al Dente says

    If B feels threatened by you denouncing transphobia and wanting a say on what movies are shown then he’s too insecure to have a long-lasting relationship with anyone who isn’t a passive doormat. I realize that you’re aching because you’re losing someone you care about and who seemingly cared for you, but someone who is uncomfortable with you speaking out against bigotry is not a nice person.

  2. says

    As with a lot of these sorts of situations, I am left thinking, “this is such a silly thing to be upset about, compared to the principle of doing the right thing; what on earth is his problem?” Demanding a little more projector time not dominated by dudely dudez and asking the transphobia be kept down to a minimal dull roar is not the end of the fucking world! Sorry for adding to the emo, Dana! I hope he realises how daft he’s being soon. The least he can do is pick up the phone and talk. The non-communication is not good, and you deserve better. Hope it gets better soon.

  3. Onamission5 says

    Even the people we love most, and who love us, aren’t safe from internalizing social scripts of the sort which make them fear that women, should we get a voice, will ruin all the fun.

    I’m sorry, and I sincerely hope that B comes around.

  4. Trebuchet says

    Dang, Dana, sounds like you’ve hit the perfect storm. So sorry. Hopefully at least the illness part will be over soon.

  5. movablebooklady says

    It’s always sad when someone we care about reveals an unsettling side. Especially in matters of principle, we expect our loved ones to have our back, so when they don’t, it’s kind of a whack upside the head. And there’s nothing to be done about it. He’ll either think it through and change . . . or he won’t. And that will be very hard, as it already is. Heartfelt wishes that the best-case scenario comes to pass. And if it doesn’t, heartfelt wishes that you remain your magnificent self during the ensuring travail.

    I don’t know why I get so pompous at times like this (I think it’s the English Lit. major coming out). Please don’t hurt me.

  6. Funny Diva says

    Dear Dana,

    U R AWESOME. And so is your sauce.

    XOXO

    FunnyDiva
    (whose mind does worst-case scenarios in a way very similar to what you’ve described. Not everything our minds tell us is actually _true_.)
    PS: this is me trying to be both funny and supportive. I left you a far more Mother-Hen comment on the “Saga” post!

  7. rq says

    *hugs*
    I hope he works it out, gets over his own discomfort at your awesomeness (because sometimes people just need to think and process, it’s true…) but most of all I hope you’re ok – emotionally and all else. ♥
    And I also agree wholeheartedly with what Al Dente said. Even though I think that sometimes people process through these discomforts and become the stronger and more secure for it in the end. So I think there’s hope, just not a lot of it.
    *hugs*

  8. says

    Ain’t nothing wrong with emo. It can be difficult, though.

    Best wishes for things changing positively at work, and for you and B. Hopefully the high-alert constant electric buzz of what-the-fuck-is-happening will go away soon.

  9. says

    Damn. I hope things work out and B comes to his senses. Maybe he fled from you because he realized he fucked up and is feeling embarrassed…

    That’s my best-case scenario, anyways. And unfortunately it means he’s got some issues, including selfishness, to work out…

    But anyways… I’m so sorry and I really honestly hope things take a turn for the best.

    Look up, Dana. You still have awesome and wonderful stuffs to enjoy. And this blog still rules, and you still rule. And you always will.