My Carpet: A Fable

Your carpet is old and disgusting. It’s worn and torn, stained and strained. It’s filled with the remains of hairball-hurfing episodes, and smells distressingly of elderly cat urine. Babies break out in a dermatologist-defying rash whenever they crawl over it. The miasma arising from it may be causing a new sort of breathing disorder. Its indeterminate orangey-gray hue with the super-villain-creating toxic-sludge colored spots drains your happiness right out, and is probably contributing to your family’s assorted mood disorders.

“Aftermath” by A National Acrobat on Flickr

But you shouldn’t replace it. Nossir. Yes, you are suffering; yes, you could buy a new carpet and a college education with the money you are spending on doctor’s bills and air fresheners. But a person must have principles. It’s very silly and selfish of you to want a new carpet when there are people in other countries who endure the agony of living on dirt floors. No new carpet for you until everyone in the world has a carpet!

How dare you complain about what the dog did to the carpet while you were away when some people don’t even have a dog, much less a carpet?!

You are a terrible, selfish person, and every decent person should shun you. You are diluting the meaning of carpet-deprivation. You should be ashamed.

Please excuse me now – there’s a sale on carpet at Home Depot, and I’ve got to go. Well, of course, I won’t tolerate the occasional stain on my own carpet, and that color is so last year. What, why are you calling me a hypocrite? I don’t complain to the world about how awful my carpet is!

 

(Inspired by this bit o’ nonsense, which stands in for all of the “Dear Muslima” and “But there are starving children in Africa!” nonsense.)

Comments

  1. Seeker of Reason and Amusement and Beer says

    Oh, oh, oh….we’re playing the Allegory Game? Do the drapes match the carpet?
    Modern fashionistas want to know.

    And let’s not even get started about needing to go to Home Depot for a shag……

    • rq says

      You already have a carpet, and you dare to think of adding a shag??
      As long as it matches the drapes and the sofa cushions.

  2. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    Inspired by this bit o’ nonsense, which stands in for all of the “Dear Muslima” and “But there are starving children in Africa!” nonsense.)

    Yep. That certainly deserved a good carpeting alright! ;-)

    (Do you use that slang term – for major telling off – too?)

  3. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    .. smells distressingly of elderly cat urine.

    Hmm.. As opposed to smelling, say, appealingly of elderly cat or better yet young kitten urine?

    Sorry, couldn’t resist, I’ll turn pedant mode off now.

  4. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    Being serious now – that’s a good analogy, funny pic and strong point made here, Dana Hunter. Agreed and well written.