When I came to the FreethoughtBlogs network, I expected I’d be joining a community of like-minded individuals. There might be minor disagreements, and sometimes things might get heated, but surely no one would start a lonely little war.
Crommunist, who is a man I used to respect**, has informed the internets he doesn’t like cats, and what’s more, those of us who do are parasite-infested freaks. He’s a dog lover. Fine. Whatevs. Hey, Cromm, I’ve got news for you: my cat can beat the ever-loving shit out of your dog.
Let me tell you a little story about cats and dogs. Once upon a time in New Zealand, there was this dog that wanted to sit on the porch. Only, there was a black housecat on the porch, and that cat didn’t want to share. So the dog barked and barked and teased and feinted and raised all sorts of a ruckus. Black cat just sat there, calm as anything. And when German Shepherd, driven into a frenzy by that cool cat, decided to storm the porch, Black Cat just whipped out a paw and BAM – one strike, and that dog went away one-eyed, and Black Cat didn’t have to share his porch with no disgusting dog.*
Now, not every cat is that cool and cruel. But I’m just sayin’ that when a dog picks a fight with a cat, that dog had better be quick and had better be good, because otherwise it’s going down. That’s true in real life, and that’s true on the internet. You can slink away to the sad confines of I Has a Hotdog and try to lick your wounds. You just remember that I Can Has Cheezburger was there long before your dweeby dogs, will be there long after they’ve all slunk back to their kennels with their tails between their legs, and has a higher cute factor in one picture than your dogs have in the entirety of theirs.
Cats rule the internet. Dogs are just there to remind people how much more awesome than dogs cats are.
I will concede you otters. But cats otherwise have the field.
Considering the beating Jen and Greta will administer, it seems almost kicking a man while he’s down to pile on myself, but Cromm, you threw down the gauntlet and thus must suffer the consequences. I, therefore, have loaded my artillery and shall now commence to fire.
I should advise at the outset that some cat owners are masochists. We love raging bundles of fury that attempt to murder us every so often. It keeps things interesting. And the photo ops with enraged felines are to die for, even when all you have available is your roommate’s early-aughts cell phone camera. My cat is one of the most ill-tempered beasts on the planet. But I’ll take her moods and her sudden efforts to rip bits off of me over the drooling inanity and mindless adoration of a dog any day. When my cat loves me, I know it’s genuine, not inbred. And I know it’s for a reason: warmth, food, relief-of-boredom.
She’s a warrior at heart. She regularly did battle with the various dogs and cats we lived with before we retreated to our fortress of solitude. She studied war. She is well-versed in the art of the sword.
She is also a scholar.
She shares my interests. She is a Doctor Who fan.
She, like me, lives a life on the rocks.
She studies the samples I bring back avidly.
But violence and wisdom aren’t her only shining qualities. She’s bloody adorable. Just look at her in this box!
She does a passable Yoda imitation, which establishes her geek cred.
And we keep each other warm on cold days.
I don’t have to take her out for walks in the rain and snow several times a day. All I have to do is clean out the litter box every so often and keep her food and water dish provisioned. I can leave her alone for days on end when I travel. She’s capable of amusing herself, and mostly just lies around on pillows looking adorable. She doesn’t drool. She snores very quietly. She chases hair ties, and doesn’t demand expensive toys and extensive exercise. As for guard duty, she’s chased undesirable people from the house before.
Yes, this cat has everything dogs do not. But there is one crowning achievement attained by cats, but never dogs. For all of the awesome things dogs can do, this one thing is impossible for them. And if a pet cannot do this, I don’t really see the point of the pet, myself.
Dogs do – what? Whine? Growl? Oh, puh-leeze. Give me a warm, cuddly, purring bundle of fur, or give me an empty house.
I shall now turn the battlefield over to Jen and Greta, having laid down the preliminary fire. My readers are encouraged to submit any adorable cat pictures they have, in case an escalation of hostilities is the unfortunate outcome of Crommunist’s ill-advised sortie.
*I am not advocating cat-on-dog violence, nor violence of any kind. But this should serve as a warning that cats, while far more mannered and debonair than dogs, have their own conceptions of civilization, and refraining from violence does not factor high in their moral code. I, and many dogs, have the scars to prove it.
**I still do respect Crommunist. Rather love him, in fact, but you don’t admit things like that until after you’re off the battlefield.