This, Of Course, Means War


When I came to the FreethoughtBlogs network, I expected I’d be joining a community of like-minded individuals. There might be minor disagreements, and sometimes things might get heated, but surely no one would start a lonely little war.

How wrong I was.

Crommunist, who is a man I used to respect**, has informed the internets he doesn’t like cats, and what’s more, those of us who do are parasite-infested freaks. He’s a dog lover. Fine. Whatevs. Hey, Cromm, I’ve got news for you: my cat can beat the ever-loving shit out of your dog.

Rage Cat

Oh, yeah.

Let me tell you a little story about cats and dogs. Once upon a time in New Zealand, there was this dog that wanted to sit on the porch. Only, there was a black housecat on the porch, and that cat didn’t want to share. So the dog barked and barked and teased and feinted and raised all sorts of a ruckus. Black cat just sat there, calm as anything. And when German Shepherd, driven into a frenzy by that cool cat, decided to storm the porch, Black Cat just whipped out a paw and BAM – one strike, and that dog went away one-eyed, and Black Cat didn’t have to share his porch with no disgusting dog.*

True story.

Now, not every cat is that cool and cruel. But I’m just sayin’ that when a dog picks a fight with a cat, that dog had better be quick and had better be good, because otherwise it’s going down. That’s true in real life, and that’s true on the internet. You can slink away to the sad confines of I Has a Hotdog and try to lick your wounds. You just remember that I Can Has Cheezburger was there long before your dweeby dogs, will be there long after they’ve all slunk back to their kennels with their tails between their legs, and has a higher cute factor in one picture than your dogs have in the entirety of theirs.

Cats rule the internet. Dogs are just there to remind people how much more awesome than dogs cats are.

I will concede you otters. But cats otherwise have the field.

Considering the beating Jen and Greta will administer, it seems almost kicking a man while he’s down to pile on myself, but Cromm, you threw down the gauntlet and thus must suffer the consequences. I, therefore, have loaded my artillery and shall now commence to fire.

Disgruntled Kitteh

 I should advise at the outset that some cat owners are masochists. We love raging bundles of fury that attempt to murder us every so often. It keeps things interesting. And the photo ops with enraged felines are to die for, even when all you have available is your roommate’s early-aughts cell phone camera. My cat is one of the most ill-tempered beasts on the planet. But I’ll take her moods and her sudden efforts to rip bits off of me over the drooling inanity and mindless adoration of a dog any day. When my cat loves me, I know it’s genuine, not inbred. And I know it’s for a reason: warmth, food, relief-of-boredom.

She’s a warrior at heart. She regularly did battle with the various dogs and cats we lived with before we retreated to our fortress of solitude. She studied war. She is well-versed in the art of the sword.

Samurai Cat

She is also a scholar.

Study Group

Wisecat

She shares my interests. She is a Doctor Who fan.

Doctor Who Kitteh

She, like me, lives a life on the rocks.

Kitteh with Richmond Beach Samples

She studies the samples I bring back avidly.

Geokitteh

But violence and wisdom aren’t her only shining qualities. She’s bloody adorable. Just look at her in this box!

Especially for Crommunist. You're welcome.

She does a passable Yoda imitation, which establishes her geek cred.

Yodacat

And we keep each other warm on cold days.

Warm Kitteh

I don’t have to take her out for walks in the rain and snow several times a day. All I have to do is clean out the litter box every so often and keep her food and water dish provisioned. I can leave her alone for days on end when I travel. She’s capable of amusing herself, and mostly just lies around on pillows looking adorable. She doesn’t drool. She snores very quietly. She chases hair ties, and doesn’t demand expensive toys and extensive exercise. As for guard duty, she’s chased undesirable people from the house before.

Yes, this cat has everything dogs do not. But there is one crowning achievement attained by cats, but never dogs. For all of the awesome things dogs can do, this one thing is impossible for them. And if a pet cannot do this, I don’t really see the point of the pet, myself.

Cats purr.

Dogs do – what? Whine? Growl? Oh, puh-leeze. Give me a warm, cuddly, purring bundle of fur, or give me an empty house.

I shall now turn the battlefield over to Jen and Greta, having laid down the preliminary fire. My readers are encouraged to submit any adorable cat pictures they have, in case an escalation of hostilities is the unfortunate outcome of Crommunist’s ill-advised sortie.

 

*I am not advocating cat-on-dog violence, nor violence of any kind. But this should serve as a warning that cats, while far more mannered and debonair than dogs, have their own conceptions of civilization, and refraining from violence does not factor high in their moral code. I, and many dogs, have the scars to prove it.

**I still do respect Crommunist. Rather love him, in fact, but you don’t admit things like that until after you’re off the battlefield.

Comments

  1. says

    I don’t have to take her out for walks in the rain and snow several times a day. All I have to do is clean out the litter box every so often and keep her food and water dish provisioned. I can leave her alone for days on end when I travel. She’s capable of amusing herself, and mostly just lies around on pillows looking adorable. She doesn’t drool. She snores very quietly. She chases hair ties, and doesn’t demand expensive toys and extensive exercise.

    So, cats are for lazy people who can’t take responsibility for another being?
    *runs and hides*
    Just kidding.

    • Me says

      I fully admit to not wanting to be responsible for anything “extra” if I don’t have to be. Some people call this selfishness- I call it having boundaries!

    • Yellow Thursday says

      I will totally cop to this. I prefer pets that I don’t have to clean up after (other than the occassional hairball), that I don’t have to take for walks, and that I don’t have to bathe. I can barely take care of my own self; I prefer pets that mostly take care of themselves.

  2. John Morales says

    Kittens are just adorable.

    Cats, though… well, they’re cats.

    Puppies, likewise.

    (I’m one of those dog and cat persons)

  3. Anonymous Atheist says

    “Dogs do – what? Whine? Growl?”

    Don’t forget bark/yap – too often irritatingly frequent/long, annoying all the neighbors.

  4. noastronomer says

    You pet-ists and your silly inter-pet wars! Me, I’m a pet-secularist. I’ve had dogs, cats, guinea pigs, gerbils, rabbits and various insects and amphibians. Thinking about a snake one day.

    Used to have a dog that loved to chase the local cats. Then one day she cornered one. Never chased cats again.

    Currently we’re a dog household. She enthusiastically welcomes me when I get home. Loves going for a run and keeps my feet warm at night. Can’t fetch but whatever she does do she puts her whole self into.

    Mike.

  5. says

    I’ve seen people take on Mac vs PC, Liberal vs Conservative, Religion vs Atheism… but Cats vs Dogs? Wow I’ll say this Dana, you like to live dangerously ;-)

    Used to have a dog that loved to chase the local cats. Then one day she cornered one. Never chased cats again.

    OK that totally cracked me up…

  6. rikitiki says

    So right, Dana. My two kitteh-boys are awesome! And I, too, have the scars to prove it. My fave expression (not mine own) is:
    Dogs have owners…cats have staff. And I’m happier in that give-and-take relationship (cats) than one of slavish worship (dogs).

  7. Stacy says

    Love that Rage Cat photo!

    But there is one crowning achievement attained by cats, but never dogs. For all of the awesome things dogs can do, this one thing is impossible for them. And if a pet cannot do this, I don’t really see the point of the pet, myself.

    Cats purr

    Excellent point. And they vibrate when they do it.

    Also, furry little ninjas. ‘Nuff said.

  8. says

    Count me in as a not-pet person. I spent the first 2/3 of my life as a dairy farmer, with a couple of hundred animals that needed daily caring. Now, I’d perfer to be animal free. Of ourse, I live with a women who is a cat lover, so I have one underfoot anyway.

    Sometimes it’s all about compromise.

  9. says

    I once had a demon cat. A solid beauty. She hated everyone and everything except me and my mom. When she was 14 years old, she got out of the house for the first time in her entire life. My grandfather’s German Shepard decided he wanted to play with the white kitty.

    She beat that dog into the ground. Six pound cat vs. 75 pounds of inbred… I mean pure-bred… German Shepard and she didn’t just hurt him, she destroyed him. He lost part of an ear and almost lost an eye. It took 6 months for the eye to heal. He also needed 12 stitches in his nose.

    Three years later, this cat decided she wanted to go exploring. She would vanish for 2-3 weeks. She’d come back and get cleaned up, fed, and loved for a few weeks, then go back out again. It took a dump truck to kill her the day after her 19th birthday.

    I miss that cat.

  10. Cunning Pam says

    For all of the awesome things dogs can do, this one thing is impossible for them. And if a pet cannot do this, I don’t really see the point of the pet, myself.

    Cats purr.

    This, so much. Dogs are hard-wired to adore. Cats let you know, audibly, when you’ve earned their devotion.

    Of course there are always the outliers in either species. One of my own cats is basically a golden retriever stuffed into a (pear-shaped) cat skin. He fetches until you get tired of throwing, “barks” for attention, comes running when called, and loves nothing more than a hearty belly rub. He also purrs like an outboard motor the moment he’s addressed by name or at the first sign of petting. The other cats treat him with all the disdain they can muster, and regularly call for him to turn in his Felis membership card.

    I honestly don’t know if it’s because of or in spite of his non-catness that he’s so awesome. Don’t much care, either.

    Cats rock.

  11. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    T.S. Elliott put it best in his poem “The Addressing Of Cats”:

    So first your memory I’ll jog,
    And say: ‘A cat is not a dog!’

  12. geocatherder says

    Some dogs and cats can get along. When my husband was a teenager, his family had a dog and a cat who were best friends. The dog would chase the cat, but let another cat or dog enter the yard and the dog went into Instant Protector mode; nobody was going to hurt HIS cat friend! The chasing game went awry one day and the cat ended up in the fishpond. Husband says there’s nothing quite like the look of disgust on the face of a cat who’s fallen into water. But the cat eventually forgave the dog.

  13. says

    Cats versus Dogs?

    There need be no contest. Allow me to include in this brawl none other than the Prince of House Quiet Chaos, Sir Galahad dubbed “The Pure” by none other than Ms. Jackie-The-Wise.

    Here, the Lord of Lynnwood, the Baron of Bothell, sits in gentle repose:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/48344019@N02/6617907629/in/photostream

    And again, his magesty only slightly dimmed by his eagerness to flee the fluff (because snow is bullshit) http://www.flickr.com/photos/48344019@N02/6722803373/in/photostream

    Bask in his might as he brings even the most haughty cat-hater into submission with his gentle power.

    …. seriously, just pet him or he won’t leave you alone. He’s a puddle of melted kitty if you scratch the chest, especially on the neck under the collar.

    There you go.

    It feels better if you just surrender.

  14. RW Ahrens says

    Oh, my! Your cat looks exactly like my Maxine! Same coloration, and, apparently, the exact same disposition! I, too, have the scars to prove it!

    Lovely pictures, by the way!

  15. Achrachno says

    ” I expected I’d be joining a community of like-minded individuals. ”

    Wrong community, this one is more dominated by squid and cuttlefish. For cats you should have jointed WEIT (Coyne’s place).

  16. tompliska says

    I would almost totally agree with the cats over dogs argument, except that I wish my cats would not pee on my printer. Which is way up high. A dog would never even be able to get close to the printer, so it wouldn’t be a moral decision on the dog’s part, but there it is.

  17. Stan Brooks says

    I love me my cats, past and present. Had a few doggies along the way as well, but my cats, they shine.

    Have to love the comment by Noastronomer”

    “Used to have a dog that loved to chase the local cats. Then one day she cornered one. Never chased cats again.”

    And there’s the quote by Cunning Pam:

    “For all of the awesome things dogs can do, this one thing is impossible for them. And if a pet cannot do this, I don’t really see the point of the pet, myself.

    Cats purr.”

    Well said both. I was looking for an apartment a time ago, main requirement: Cats allowed. Came to the place I now reside and one of the first things the managers told me was: “Hope you like cats because there’s one that comes with this apartment”. The TWO (!!!!) previous residents had left this guy when they moved. The managers fed him but this was HIS apartment. Didn’t much need to look at the place, this was where I belonged. It took a short while to get acquainted, but he is my fast friend now. He always seems to recognize my car when I pull in (and not by time of day, I work varying shifts at a variety of our county libraries, getting off work anywhere between 1 and 9pm) and rushes out to greet me from wherever he’s been roaming by rolling around in the parking lot and rushing up to me the minute I get out of the car. I’ve had some very special cats, but this guy pretty much takes the cake.

    As previously stated, I’ve had in my youth some great dogs as well, but they were, well, dogs.

    I’ll end with two quotes:

    After dark all cats are leopards. — Native American Proverb

    and:

    A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. — Mark Twain