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Sep 17 2010

For Those Who Think Dating A Writer Would Be Awesome

Think again.  Every point you think is a phenomenal benefit is actually a drawback, as the writer of that list so ably demonstrated.

I stumbled across the above post courtesy of Brian Switek, and it’s rather unfortunate I did so whilst at work.  I couldn’t help howling with laughter.  Coworkers gave me strange looks.  That’s okay.  As a writer, I get a lot of those.  But there are 20 items on the list, and I laughed my ass off at all 20, which I think nearly landed me in my manager’s cubicle for a little Talk about not disturbing the other denizens of the call center.

Can I ever testify to – well, every single item!  Such as

2. Writers will write about you. You don’t want this. Trust me.

My friends used to pester me to write them into my stories.  So I did that once.  Strangely, they haven’t asked again… 

Look, a writer has to sometimes do utterly awful things to their characters, and just because they’re based on you doesn’t mean they get a free pass.  And when we’re annoyed with you, even worse things might happen to “your” character.  And we may not see you the way you want to see yourself.  The awakening can be a bit rude.

8.  Writers are really passionate. About writing. Not necessarily about you. Are you writing?

No.  You are not.  And you will discover this, probably sooner rather than later.  I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve abandoned a relationship because the person I’m with is not my writing.  After the first flush of hormones vanish, that desperately-wanted relationship sours because Time With Significant Other = Time I Could’ve Spent Writing.  It’s hard on a person when the person they’re trying to have sex with is hurrying them along because they want to get back to writing.  And what’s a writer thinking about when they’re making the Beast With Two Backs with you?  Not you in the majority of cases, I can assure you.  Most people I’ve dated can’t handle being second fiddle to a piece of paper.  Unless you can, don’t try it.

14. Writers may be able to adjust their schedules for you. Writers may be able to adjust their schedules for writing. Are you writing? Get in line, then.

That’s the one that nearly put me on the floor.  So damned true!

18. Writers are surrounded by interesting people. Every last one of whom is imaginary.

This is the point where I sank down in my chair, and had I been drinking milk, it would have squirted through my nostrils and caused the folks who service our equipment some serious difficulties.  It’s true.  Completely and utterly true.  The key word here is “surrounded.”  I know some very interesting people IRL.  I am not surrounded by them because I am too busy writing.  The only interesting people who actually surround me are the ones in my head.  And you, my dear potential date, play a distant third fiddle to them.

Those are just a few highlights from the list.  Go read the whole thing.  And the takeaway lesson here is that if you are not an emotionally strong person who’s happy being treated as an inconvenience except when the writer needs a brief bit of nookie or an errand runner, who can tolerate long periods of enforced solitude while your writer writes frantically, and likes to be used as a sounding board, test subject, and therapist, you have no business ever dating a writer.

If you think all of the non-bolded items on that list describe your ideal relationship, then find yourself a writer forthwith.  Good luck prying one of us from the page long enough to get a little something started…

1 comment

  1. 1
    Nicole

    Too good! In reading this, I startled Bean, who then laughed with me (he likes to laugh when he hears someone–anyone–laugh). We both approve.

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