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May 26 2008

How To Convert Dana Hunter

After the diatribe below, we can all stand some laughs.

So here it is. Driving home tonight, I got to thinking: what would it really take to convince me, on a personal level, that God exists? Aside from God descending from Heaven, subjecting Himself to a battery of scientific tests that prove His divinity, and then going around smacking fundies upside the head and saying, “UR DOIN IT WRONG,” then bringing about world peace and harmony after apologizing for letting the lunatics take over the asylum, amazing what people get up to when you sneak out just for a few millennia to play golf the next universe over, terribly sorry, won’t happen again.

That would work. So might this:

1. God knocks on the door. Not a Jehovah’s Witness, not a Mormon, God Himself. Or Herself. Or Itself. Or selves. Or whatever.

2. God has Christian Bale standing there with him/her/it/self or selves.

3. God makes introductions.

4. Christian Bale, after reading this blog and my website, has fallen head-over-heels, but since I blog under a pseudonym and he was too chickenshit to just email, hasn’t been able to track me down to say so in person.

5. God decided to take matters in hand/s and play matchmaker.

6. God then vanishes, leaving us to our own devices.

7. But the beautiful moment doesn’t last, because there’s another knock at the door.

8. It’s a publisher, coming to personally beg me to finish my magnum opus, here’s a million dollar advance, and just look at this marketing package we’ve whipped up.

9. The publisher passes Neil Gaiman on his way down the stairs.

10. Neil has come to invite me to speak with him on writing matters at some prestigious convention.

11. And has already written a blurb for my book.

12. Because God gave him an advance copy.

13. Of a book that hasn’t been written yet.

14. Which has also been read and praised by all of my other favorite authors.

15. Who couldn’t show up personally because they’re too busy reading my second, as-yet-unwritten book, and can’t put it down.

16. Neil then says, And would you and Christian Bale like to have dinner with all of us next week?

17. Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers will be providing the music.

18. Roger secretly worships you, although you understand, he does love his wife.

That, my darlings, is roughly the sequence of utterly impossible events it would take in order for me to, fully, truly and without a single doubt, believe in God.

Christians who wish to convert me: get praying.

7 comments

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  1. 1
    NP

    While I would absolutely love to see said scene play out in real life simply to see the look on your face as it all happens, and while I do believe that it’s possible for God to play out said scene, I do want to tell you that you are more kind, loving, and wonderful than many of the “Christians” who sang next to me in church, read Scripture at the pulpit, and preached to me in Sunday school.I love you. The God I believe exists loves you. And neither of us wants you to change because you’re already doing good in this world.

  2. 2
    Webs

    LOL!Can’t say that would work from me. I would just need the omniscient one to answer or talk back and take credit for all the BS that’s happened in this world. An apology would be okay I guess. Is that demanding too much? I don’t think so.

  3. 3
    Jacob

    You’d have to be bribed to be converted?

  4. 4
    Dana Hunter

    @Nicole: Awww, melt. And I did need to hear that. Love and ink, my heart sister!@Webs: an apology would be lovely. But for me, Christian Bale would be a good consolation prize. ;-)@Kaden: Yup. Look, if I can’t get world peace and all that, I at least want Christian Bale out of the deal.

  5. 5
    cousinavi

    Nicole is insane. Even God can’t do that shit and you know it.Damn. That seems a little cruel.I shall endeavour to atone for this affront.Christian Bale is gonna be so fucking shocked when I jam the gun into his ribs and tell him he’s coming with me.The publisher thing…too intricate. But I can get you Christian Fucking Bale. Have the cash ready.

  6. 6
    Efrique

    Heh. God came this morning (invisible, but you could tell, ‘cos he hadn’t flossed). But he only brought Jehovah’s Witnesses. I told him to go away and come back with Christian Bale, but he never showed up.Actually, the JWs (two guys, I’d guess a dad and young adult son) had obviously had a lot of knockbacks, they looked pretty down. Unusually, they started with a spiel about Christian Fellowship (which is not the opening gambit I am used to from JWs around here). I said I was busy getting ready for work (which was true), and the guy said “I suppose you’ve been visited by Jehovah’s Witnesses before, have you?” I refrained from saying “No shit, Sherlock!” (though I dearly wanted to), and contented myself with “Yes, many times.”Maybe I should save up the pamphlets, so I could give them the Mormon literature, and vice versa.

  7. 7
    Dana Hunter

    @Enfrique: That’s God for ya: can’t trust the bugger to accede to the simplest little request. LOL. Funny you should mention proselytizers… I’ve got a couple of posts lined up for next week that fit right in with your handing the literature of one group to another to a T. ;-)@Cousinavi: Cash is in hand. Unfortunately, I’m going to need it for the hospital bills – I busted my sides open laughing. You guys have absolutely made my day.

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