God Punished the Philippines for…Catholicism?

Typhoon Haiyan hit the Philippines on Friday and is being called the strongest storm ever recorded. It left at least 10,000 dead, probably many more (they’re just getting to some of the remote villages and islands in the path), and you knew some wingnut was going to tell us what message God was sending with this “punishment.” Here ya go:

Did you know that God is punishing the Philippines for their tolerance of homosexuality, prostitution, Catholicism, and other sins? The Philippines are about to feel God’s wrath in the powerful form of a cyclone so great that the world has never experienced one of this intensity. If those of you in the Philippines had repented, you would not need to be punished. But you tolerate prostitution, homosexuality, and adultery, and God will make an example of you.

Pay heed to this coming disaster, True Christians. God can and will punish the wicked. After all, he killed everyone on Earth besides Noah and his family with the Flood. God detests wickedness and hates sin. God will, when He feels like it, bring about the death of sinners by His hand to quickly toss them into Hell. God hates the wicked, and the wicked will die by His hand so that they may be punished eternally in Hell.

It’s so hackneyed that one begins to suspect that it’s a Poe. Especially when you read the follow-up:

Dear Filipinos,

Do not get angry with me for sharing the Truth of God’s judgment with you! I would love to one day visit your nation and preach the Truth of His Gospel with you. I am getting many personal threats and attacks on my blog, but I am merely informing you that this typhoon is, in fact, a punishment from God. You cannot argue with Truth. You cannot argue with the fact that God punishes wickedness.

God has punished the United States with the 9/11 attacks, hurricanes, and other disasters. He has punished Russia with meteor impacts and nuclear meltdowns. He has punished China with landslides. He has punished Japan with Tsunamis.

And he includes this picture:

hell

What do you think? Parody or serious?

55 comments on this post.
  1. Alverant:

    Serious. Never underestimate the twisted reasoning of the faithful.

  2. left0ver1under:

    After the 2010 earthquake in Haiti and the 2004 tsunami, fundy christians went around insulting local religion and trying to pervert people…I mean, convert them. They view disasters and misery as an “opportunity” to proselytize.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/10/40_Window

    I wouldn’t put it past them to use typhoon Haiyan to try it again.

  3. richardelguru:

    As if being Catholic isn’t punishment enough??

  4. wneroaster:

    I didn’t know Dawkins had died

  5. Tabby Lavalamp:

    Just go back through the archives. May 2012 makes it pretty damned obvious which side of the Poe line this one falls on.

  6. gridlore:

    I gotta think this is a Poe. Ready his column about Tim Tebow.

  7. joe321:

    Imagine how bad this would have been if God weren’t infinitely merciful!

  8. tbp1:

    Weren’t Tim Tebow’s parents missionaries to the Philippines? That is, they were trying to convert Christians to being another kind of Christian? You’d think after 2,000 years, they could have decided on just one flavor of the One True Religion.

  9. jeffwoodhead:

    Totally parody. The “True Christians” thing is an old Landover Baptist trope, and come on… it’s just too out there. The Photoshops just put it over the top.

  10. Trebuchet:

    Parody, I think.

    Check out this post, for instance:
    http://creationsciencestudy.wordpress.com/2013/11/11/saudi-arabia-a-sinners-paradise/

  11. busterggi:

    Protestant Jesus hates Catholic Jesus and vice versa – hence all the self-loathing Christians in the world (“Oh, us unworthy sinners!”).

  12. Gretchen:

    What do you think? Parody or serious?

    The Poe addendum to Rule 34: If a variety of religious batshittery can be conceived of, it exists on the internet. If the particular example you find is not in earnest, trust that there are plenty who are.

    I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find that there are still Protestants around who hate Catholicism so much that they think God would punish a country for practicing it.

  13. daved:

    But all the praise of Santorum on that site is in direct opposition to the anti-Catholic stuff (Santorum being Catholic and all), so I think Poe wins the day,

  14. Bronze Dog:

    The existence of Poe’s Law continues to remind me that we live in dark times. It also makes me wonder what future historians and literature professors will say about this era’s political commentary.

  15. OverlappingMagisteria:

    I vote parody. There’s an article about how Coca-Cola is a communist plot cause it uses the color red, and they use Santa in their Christmas advertisements who looks like Karl Marx. Its just too silly to be real.

  16. Taz:

    Darwin, Feynman, Sagan, Dawkins, and . . . Nixon?

  17. ThorGoLucky:

    Hilarious. It’s so fun watching the religous argue over which house of cards is the true house of cards.

  18. Abdul Alhazred:

    Why do those souls in Hell look so happy? :)

  19. tacitus:

    Meanwhile, on Catholic Radio they were speculating about how many miraculous life-saving events must have happened during the hurricane. God and his angels cannot be expected to save everybody, I guess.

    PS no matter how hard I try I can’t get Google speech to recognize the word dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dogs dog dog gold Golf dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog, unless I say the words “oh my” in front of it. Does Google know I’m an atheist?

    Oh my god!

  20. aaronbaker:

    Snickers was never my favorite–but “Candy of Satan”? That might actually improve sales.

    The jumping-up-and-down Jesus sure looks parodic, but the poster insists later that he is NOT a “poe.” When dealing with stuff this bugged-out crazy, I’m really at a loss to decide.

  21. aaronbaker:

    Oh, and it appears the Philippines are being punished for Darwinism most of all (though Catholicism and Islam are part of the mix). I never thought of the Philippines as a major center for evolutionary theory and investigation. Why is it the poor Filipinos who’ve been drowned by the thousands and not people who live near Richard Dawkins?

  22. Pen:

    A time when thousands of people are dying and many more are having their homes wrecked isn’t a really a good time for a joke like that. So really, all that matters is what kind of bad is it? Delusional, sadistic, god-bothering bad or cynical, detached, superficial bad.

  23. democommie:

    If it’s a Poe it’s so good that the first four commenters were completely taken in.

  24. lldayo:

    I hope he goes to the Philippines in person and explains to the surviving loved ones how it’s their fault their relatives are dead. I’m sure they’ll listen to reasoning.

  25. Pierce R. Butler:

    A thorough study would reveal that, not long before Friday, somewhere in the Philippines, a penis was touching an anus.

    Case. Closed!

  26. Tabby Lavalamp:

    The jumping-up-and-down Jesus sure looks parodic, but the poster insists later that he is NOT a “poe.” When dealing with stuff this bugged-out crazy, I’m really at a loss to decide.

    The goat.se god Photoshop wasn’t enough clarity?

  27. Raging Bee:

    It could easily be serious. Yes, the photoshopping is bad, but so is the art in a Westboro Baptist sign (such as their depictions of Matthew Shephard in Hell). Yes, the beliefs are silly, but so are a lot of religius beliefs that we know are seriously held. And yes, this is dripping with over-the-top pointless meanness and sadism, but it’s really not much different from the crap I hear in all seriousness from the End Times crowd.

    I remember a former teacher sking if I was ready to see all of Humanity suffer all sorts of record-breaking horrors in the Tribulation and the Battle of Armageddon. With a sincere and truly deluded smile on his face. So don’t fucking kid yourselves that this isn’t really serious.

  28. greg1466:

    God hates the wicked, and the wicked will die by His hand so that they may be punished eternally in Hell.

    I often wonder why God didn’t off himself a long time ago…

  29. Tabby Lavalamp:

    So don’t fucking kid yourselves that this isn’t really serious.

    Again, the goatse god Photoshop is one of the first images posted on that site.

    How about this from December 2012?

    The Lord, our Savior, Jesus the Christ, just allowed me a vision of that sinner saved, Christopher Hitchens, who repented on his deathbed and is now in Heaven. Hitchens wanted me to tell each and every one of you that sinners CAN be accepted into the kingdom of Heaven…if they only repent and accept Jesus.

    What else did Hitchens tell me? Here’s a list:

    Darwin really DID repent on his deathbed.

    Evolution is a lie.

    Monica Lewinsky is probably going to hell.

    Richard Dawkins really IS a closet Christian. In fact, he admits that “I am a deeply religious man” in his book “A Devil’s Chaplain”.

    The emphasis is mine.

    Not only is that blog (to me, fairly obvious) parody, but I don’t even think it’s particularly good parody for the most part.

  30. stever:

    I thought that the whole point of Poe’s Law was that Fundygelical Christianity is inherently indistinguishable from its parody.

  31. Tabby Lavalamp:

    I thought that the whole point of Poe’s Law was that Fundygelical Christianity is inherently indistinguishable from its parody.

    Where Poe’s Law fails is that it doesn’t take into account atheist blinders where we like to see it all as indistinguishable. That’s how something like Christwire still suckers people in. And to be fair, this sort of thing affects everyone, which is why an anti-choicer was suckered in by an Onion article about a woman who couldn’t wait for her abortion.

  32. timberwoof:

    If “God hates the Philippines, as is clear by the impending cyclone,” then would not “join[ing] me in praying for the Filipinos and other sinners” be a mortal sin?

    Given the history of God as documented in the Bible, I’d be afraid to pray on behalf of anything or anyone hated by God.

    Whats’ astonishing to me is how in the comments to that drivel, various Filipinos complain that other countries are worse than they are in tolerating badness.

  33. Michael Heath:

    Poe or not, “Jim Solouki” is one sick fuck.

  34. Taz:

    I was spotchecking some earlier posts on that site. They were written by “Martin Baker”. When he replies in the comments his name is hyperlinked to – Landover Baptist Church.

  35. Ichthyic:

    You’d think after 2,000 years, they could have decided on just one flavor of the One True Religion.

    in fact the exponential increase of xian sects seems to be getting worse, instead of better.

    it’s up to a rate of almost 1000 per year now, according to the updates on wiki for xian sects.

    over 40 thousand IIRC.

    contrast that with the number of officially recognized jewish sects for comparison.

  36. Ichthyic:

    Poe or not, “Jim Solouki” is one sick fuck.

    I definitely agree with you on that one.

    some of the other “contributors” to the site pretty well make it clear they are having fun trolling folks for lulz.

    I was spotchecking some earlier posts on that site. They were written by “Martin Baker”. When he replies in the comments his name is hyperlinked to – Landover Baptist Church.

    exactly. His comments also clearly suggest this is all for lulz.

    I think in a variety of ways, that makes it even WORSE than if it was really some nutty xian.

    makes me fear the people behind the site are fucking sociopaths.

  37. Ichthyic:

    ..and of course, the real irony is that the Phillipines is indeed one of those countries where fundy xianity is VERY strong and has direct influences on the law there.

    even divorce is illegal!

    in fact, I do believe the Phillipines represents the ONLY government outside of the Vatican itself where divorce is still illegal.

    it’s perhaps one of the most conservative xian places on the planet!

  38. dfarmer1584:

    Either way, serious or so-called parody, it is wretched. The post is the product of a sociopath, Christain or athiest. Hundreds of thousands or real living humans are suffering. Thousands have died, To exploit that fact for any reason, pious or pardy is vile.

  39. grumpyoldfart:

    Parody or not, the writer is still a bastard.

    A Christian using the deaths of thousands to score points with Jesus – Bastard.
    An atheist using the deaths of thousands to poke fun at fundamentalists – Bastard.

    There was a girl you uploaded a video with a similar theme after the Japanese tsunami. She was severely criticized and closed her YouTube channel.

  40. teawithbertrand:

    Poe. Spelling and grammar give it away.

  41. bahrfeldt:

    Wasn’t there some fundy who still runs the 700 club, Pat something, who use his direct connection to the one true lord to pray away a hurricane which was on the path to the Holy Land, Virginia. Then he (well, one of them) steered the storm into Long Island because, from the bridge to the lighthouse, in 100 plus miles and among about eight million people, there were in the words of Pat the Holy, simply no Christians.

  42. Area Man:

    It’s a parody, though not a very good one. The funniest bit was showing a picture of a Sandperson from Star Wars labeled as a “typical male Arab”.

    They also give a shout-out to Landover Baptist, which is a dead giveaway.

  43. matty1:

    @37

    of course, the real irony is that the Phillipines is indeed one of those countries where fundy xianity is VERY strong and has direct influences on the law there.

    I don’t blame you at all for not paying attention to the endless divisions in Christianity but Fundamentalism, a conservative Protestant movement, is distinct from and very hostile to Catholicism of all types (parody or not the linked post is accurate on that) .

    The similarities may be obvious from the outside but expecting them to see is like expecting rival football fans to get along because they like the same sport. It’s a team game and the worst enemy is the other team.

  44. matty1:

    Why do those souls in Hell look so happy? :)

    They know that they avoided spending eternity with Jim Solouki

  45. Ichthyic:

    I don’t blame you at all for not paying attention to the endless divisions in Christianity but Fundamentalism, a conservative Protestant movement, is distinct from and very hostile to Catholicism of all types (parody or not the linked post is accurate on that) .

    no, it’s not different from the Catholicism practiced in the Philippines, that resembles fundy protestantism more than Catholicism itself in many ways.

    you judge a book by it’s cover.

    you fail.

  46. Ichthyic:

    They know that they avoided spending eternity with Jim Solouki

    ….who is laughing at you for saying that.

  47. Fail Blue Dot:

    I reckon it’s a Poe based on the Satan used in that image of the atheists burning in hell. That Satan is just too jolly, I find it hard to imagine someone who was serious picking out that particular devil.

  48. democommie:

    “It also makes me wonder what future historians and literature professors will say.”

    Well, if we keep going down the road of nu-q-lar weppins and fossil and fission power, whatever they’re saying will be said with the waving of antennae and pheromones as the cockroach overlords take the helm after we snuff ourselves.

  49. matty1:

    Ichythic, you may well be right, I’m not familiar with the Philippines.

    I realise I seem to have antagonised you with this but I do actually want to learn, can you give some examples of how religious practice in the Philippines diverges from official Catholic doctrine and more closely resembles Protestantism?

  50. tbp1:

    I think it’s parody, but the fundamentalists/evangelicals I grew up with genuinely did not, for the most part, regard Roman Catholics as being Christians. I was actually in a Baptist church choir (long story) that did some concerts in New Orleans on a tour, and before we went we were told that Christians had to work particularly hard there because there were so many Catholics (i.e. non-Christians).

  51. Trebuchet:

    Since someone above mentioned Pat Robertson, I’ll add that he quite seriously said that the tragic earthquake in Haiti was God’s punishment for their having made a deal with the Devil some 200 years ago. No Poe there, just Christian “love”.

  52. raven:

    no, it’s not different from the Catholicism practiced in the Philippines, that resembles fundy protestantism more than Catholicism itself in many ways.

    This again.

    There are fundie Catholics. Not all Catholics are fundies though.

    They closely resemble Protestant fundies. People just pick and choose bits and pieces of xianity and decide what to believe. And the various sects steal from each other often. Fundies are haters and they all hate the same things, no matter what the denominational label is. A fundie Catholic has far more in common with a fundie Protestant or Mormon than with a progressive Catholic or mainline Protestant.

    Dogma and doctrine doesn’t matter much any more. It’s who you hate that is important.

  53. raven:

    God Punished the Philippines for…Catholicism?

    Ironically, this headline has a lot of truth in it.

    I’ve never been to the Philippines but one of my good friends for about forever is a daughter of the ruling oligarchies there.

    AFAICT, Catholicism has been a huge disaster for the Philippines.

    1. If you look on a map, those islands aren’t that big. Last time I checked the population was 80 million. It’s now 96 million. They seem to be mostly poor and overcrowded and the population is growing rapidly anyway.

    2. It can be a dangerous place. Her wealthy ruling class family spends as much time as they can in the USA. They had to hire armed guards to protect their rice fields. From what? People stealing rice. There are a lot of desperately poor people there. And one of her relatives was assassinated in some sort of conflict with them.

    3. The current disaster is regarded as partly human made. They really didn’t have the infrastructure or facilities to deal with a huge storm. Those cost money and they don’t have it.

  54. coffeehound:

    Idk, if there’s any giveaway it’s the jolly satan photoshopped into hell; one would think a true believer could find a satan a little more frightening. They’re generally very committed to showing you your end rewards for the evil of being Catholic and all that. I’m voting Poe.

  55. democommie:

    “one would think a true believer could find a satan a little more frightening.”

    Like this one?

    http://us.search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&fr=vmn&type=zg-search.startnow.com-1_0-zg-rp-rp&p=South+park+satan+and+hussein+image

    RE: Fundie Catholics. Yeah, they’re out there. One of my uncles (maybe three) that are all teh batshit KKKrazzee and catholic. They hate queers, uppity blacks, most women and Vatican II.

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