The Grand Unified Obama Conspiracy Theory


William Gheen, the terribly bigoted head of the Americans for Legal Immigration PAC, joined Alex Jones on his daily shitshow to concoct a sort of Grand Unified Theory of Obama Conspiracies, pulling together multiple independent spook stories into one big melting pot of paranoia:

“They’re doing that by bringing in people who have no shared national or cultural experience with us, that are willing to literally say or do anything that their new masters call on them to do to protect their positions,” Gheen said. “Once Obama brings these ‘kids’ in, gives them their Obamaphone, enrolls them in Obamacare, puts them in a public school, pays for their housing, pays for their foods…These people will do anything that their leaders call them to do, and I mean literally anything.”

“The problem about trying to take up full gun confiscation and cracking down in a totalitarian fashion against American citizens is, who amongst the country hates their fellow countrymen and women so much that you can turn them to do that? They only have a small section of people that are willing to do that, and it’s probably going to be the people who remain loyal to Obama to the very end,” he continued.

“These people that come in, if they come to them and say, ‘You must do this for your glorious leader or you’re going back to the jungle and you gotta give the phone back and the food back and the free lodging back,’ they’ll probably, most of them will make the decision to do about anything.”

“That’s like the African child slave soldiers,” Jones responded. “That’s how all those African countries are run is off of poor kids, they grab at 12 and give a machine gun to. Obama talks about his national security force, just as big, just as strong as our military. It’s so bold, but when you look at it, they really are doing that.”

This is what makes Poe’s Law so powerful. How do you parody something this moronic and disconnected from reality?

Comments

  1. Jeremy Shaffer says

    It’s so bold, but when you look at it, they really are doing that.”

    This is true. When you look at it they are doing that. And then, when you look again, they’re not. But if you relax the eye muscles and take another look-see, you’ll see it was just a schooner the whole time.

  2. cptdoom says

    At the end of the Viet Nam war, perhaps because the country had a better-developed sense of responsibility for the debacle that conflict became, there was a strong movement to adopt Vietnamese refugee children, particularly those with unknown Anglo fathers, into families in the United States. My own parents looked into our being one of those families (they began the process too late), and it was seen as almost a noble act, to give an unfortunate child the chance to grow up in this country – and that was when a large swath of the population had sincere doubts about the value of our institutions and government. Those children had no more “shared national or cultural experience with” the US, but by all accounts those who made it here adapted, as all immigrants have. To see conservatives of all stripes use these modern-day refugee children as political pawns, spewing all the worst kinds of racist garbage, is truly sickening.

  3. dugglebogey says

    In which speech did Obama talk about his “National Security Force” of 12 year old african kids with machine guns? Was that in the State of the Union and I just missed it?

  4. alanb says

    These people will do anything that their leaders call them to do, and I mean literally anything.

    If Mr. Gheen thinks that providing for the material well-being of someone is enough to insure their complete obedience, he has presumably never raised teenagers.

  5. dingojack says

    Jeremy Shaffer – “Don’t Blink. Blink and you’re dead. Don’t turn your back. Don’t look away. And don’t Blink. Good Luck.”
    Dingo

  6. birgerjohansson says

    The Obamaphone meme is still alive?
    I am somewhat disappointed about the lack of “precious body fluids” and “chemtrails” in the text.

  7. birgerjohansson says

    The real danger is that the immigrant children are Midwich Cuckoos*, forming a malign, superintelligent group mind.

    *See story by John Windham. Or film with, wossname, the Superman actor.

  8. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne says

    they’ll probably, most of them will make the decision to do about anything.

    RWW made a transcription error here. Gheen didn’t say “most of them”, he said “[a] lot of them”. Not that this changes the meaning much, but I’m all for avoiding misquotation when possible.

  9. says

    I’m going to solve the world energy crisis, by colliding these rightwing NegObamas into the actual PosObama. All I need is a billion dollars and for the actual Obama to stand still for a bit.

  10. Sastra says

    “Once Obama brings these ‘kids’ in, gives them their Obamaphone, enrolls them in Obamacare, puts them in a public school, pays for their housing, pays for their foods…These people will do anything that their leaders call them to do, and I mean literally anything.”

    Not true. You also have to make them go out into the marketplace to murder a random infant and then come back and strangle their own puppy.

    I read it in a book.

  11. cptdoom says

    Not true. You also have to make them go out into the marketplace to murder a random infant and then come back and strangle their own puppy.
    I read it in a book.

    Actually, first you have to get Angela Lansbury to show them a red queen.

  12. Pierce R. Butler says

    Once Obama brings these ‘kids’ in…

    The only reason Alex Jones didn’t point out that Gheen’s exposé of this nefarious scheme didn’t mention the previous and highly successful operation of the same kind from Roswell and Area 51 is that – he’s part of it!

  13. busterggi says

    “Once Obama brings these ‘kids’ in, gives them their Obamaphone, enrolls them in Obamacare, ”

    Quick, Miguelito, to the Obamamobile!

  14. says

    Wow. Everytime I think I’ve heard the most absurd religious and/or political rant possible, another wingnut pops up and proves me wrong. Where do all these screwballs actually come from? They are actually a pretty decent argument for eugenics research…if we could weed them out in utero, the world might just be a lot better place a few generations from now.

    Yeah, I know. I’m gonna burn in hell for this comment.

  15. says

    These people that come in, if they come to them and say, ‘You must do this for your glorious leader or you’re going back to the jungle and you gotta give the phone back and the food back and the free lodging back,’

    I don’t want the food back.

Leave a Reply