Man Threatens to Kill Miami-Dade Councilmembers »« Education: The Process of Disillusionment

Jesus Took the Wheel; You’ll Totally Believe What Happened Next

A woman in Ft. Wayne is in jail after running over a motorcyclist because, she said, God told her out of the blue that he would take over the driving. I think she may be taking that “God is my co-pilot” bumper sticker just a little bit too literally.

Police later found the driver of the car, Prionda Hill, at the Rally’s several blocks down the road from where she hit Oliveri. She told police “she was driving and out of no where God told her that he would take it from here and she let go of the wheel and let him take it.” She’s now facing several charges.

Unfortunately, the victim’s fiance and some of the people who helped care for him are no less irrational:

Several retired nurses were first on the scene to help Oliveri. He was taken to Lutheran Hospital. He said the bruises and road rash on his back look like a heart and angel wings. Oliveri’s fiance doesn’t think that’s any sort of coincidence, either.

“When he came into the emergency room, the bruise on the top of his back was shaped like a heart. When we got him up to his room, his bruise on his back, and even now, is shaped like angel wings. Even the nurses said that. His guardian angel was watching over him, and she gave him her wings. Then she went on vacation, because he’s put her through the ringer,” Oliveri’s fiance said.

Wait, what? He — the guy who got run over — put his guardian angel through the ringer? And this guardian angel didn’t do anything at all to stop this guy from nearly being killed, but she did go out of her way to make sure the bruise was shaped like wings? What the fuck is the point of having a guardian angel if that’s all they’re gonna do? People are really weird sometimes.

Comments

  1. raven says

    What the fuck is the point of having a guardian angel if that’s all they’re gonna do?

    This was an underachieving angel who got C’s in Guardian school. Not all angels can be superstars!!!

    Sigh. Ed, you just don’t understand sophisticated theology.

  2. karmacat says

    In the article, the motorcyclist says he hopes this will remind drivers to not run over motorcyclists. Obviously, he needs to let god know this also

  3. timberwoof says

    ATGATT, dammit! All The Gear All The Time! If the biker had been wearing his riding leathers, he might have got away with angel-wing-shaped bruises on his back. And always look both ways before crossing a green light. There are many people driving around relying on God or Jesus to be their copilot. I think God and Jesus protect their hearing, too: for some reason they don’t hear your loud pipes.

  4. busterggi says

    Well it wasn’t god’s fault, he’s never been able to handle iron chariots.

  5. Alverant says

    And with the attitudes we’re getting from fundamentalist christians these days, they’ll act offended and claim religious oppression if she’s charged. After all she was exercising her religious liberty when she ran over the motorcyclist.

  6. Abdul Alhazred says

    It’s perfectly consistent with what we know about God — That He’s a sadistic prick.

    She should be thankful He didn’t ask her to kill her son.

  7. dmcclean says

    To be fair, we all have an inner voice calling us to go to Rally’s in the middle of the night…

  8. says

    Alverant “And with the attitudes we’re getting from fundamentalist christians these days, they’ll act offended and claim religious oppression if she’s charged. After all she was exercising her religious liberty when she ran over the motorcyclist.”
    To be fair, she’s not incorporated.

  9. Reginald Selkirk says

    Police later found the driver of the car, Prionda Hill, at the Rally’s several blocks down the road from where she hit Oliveri.

    Sounds like leaving the scene of an accident.

    And Rally’s? I figured God for a Chick-fil-a customer. Did this incident occur on a Sunday?

  10. Larry says

    Jesus Took the Wheel

    I am so using that in the title of my next CW song.

    Jesus Took the Wheel

    I was drivin’ down the country road
    My heart was heavy, still,
    I knew that things would turn out right
    When Jesus took the wheel.

  11. Reginald Selkirk says

    Oliveri was riding his motorcycle to the Rally’s on Jefferson when police said Prionda Hill hit him with her car.

    Police later found the driver of the car, Prionda Hill, at the Rally’s several blocks down the road from where she hit Oliveri.

    Weird, he was headed towards Rally’s, and that’s where she went after running him over. This is clearly karma, and therefore evidence of Hinduism or Buddhism.

  12. DrewN says

    There already was a country song called “Jesus, take the wheel.”

    It’s about a woman driving home around xmas with her infant in the back seat. It’s the middle of the night and she hit’s black ice. Rather then try to steer to safety, she let’s go of the wheel entirely & prays instead. Because she didn’t die, she resolves never to try to sort our her own problems & instead always rely on prayer no matter how bad an idea that obviously would be.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus,_Take_the_Wheel

  13. D. C. Sessions says

    There actually is something called “the Jesus Maneuver” in flying. When a plane is going divergent and attempts to stabilize it have failed, let go of the stick and take your feet off the rudder pedals and “turn control over to a Higher Power.”

    The name is facetious but the maneuver is real — it’s a genuine cure for stability problems where the failing component is in the seat. Not guaranteed to work, but sometimes it does and the alternative is to abandon the aircraft.

    Legend has it that this was how Chuck Yeager got out of a nasty condition on one of the early supersonic flights where his helmet actually cracked the canopy (bear in mind that Yeager is a short little rascal and was strapped down very hard.)

  14. garnetstar says

    She did, in fact, just keep driving. Left the scene, apparently somehow didn’t notice (?) she’d mowed someone down.

    I read this somewhere that I can’t remember, so I can’t take credit for it: “God drives those who drive themselves”.

    Thanks, D. C., for that vivid description. You pilots know too much!

  15. anubisprime says

    Ed are you sure you will not change your mind on the mental status that inflicts yer’ average sunbeam fer’ jeebus bunnies?

    They are not fuckin’ sane by any stretch of the imagination are they?…lets face it, and move on!

  16. says

    Ray Wylie Hubbard tells a story about this time that, when he was young, he got busted writing bad checks, and a religious friend of his told him “just turn your problems over to jesus! turn all your problems over to jesus!”
    Ray says, “I turned my problems over to jesus and jesus referred them to the district attorney.”

  17. Doug Little says

    I suppose the guardian angels watching over the people who were subjected to the blood eagle method of execution just gave those victims their wings as well.

  18. scienceavenger says

    No, no, no. Clearly this was the work of Odin giving the rider his blood wings so he could reach Valhalla. You just have to know which spook is doing the spooking.

    Jesus is not a designated driver.

  19. Moggie says

    karmacat:

    In the article, the motorcyclist says he hopes this will remind drivers to not run over motorcyclists.

    Wait, wait, I need to take notes: don’t… run over… motorcyclists. Sheesh, there’s so much to remember when you’re driving!

  20. Moggie says

    Well, Genesis says that God drove Adam out of Eden. I always thought that was pretty decent of him, under the circumstances.

  21. busterggi says

    Moggie @ 26. The heat from a motorcycle engine can blister a car’s tires if you run over it so make sure you have a spare if there’s a cyclist convention in town.

  22. D. C. Sessions says

    Jesus was the one who driving when my car was weaving all over the road.

    A DWI case in Phoenix recently went to trial on that point.

    The car’s owner didn’t contest that he had a blood alcohol content just shy of 0.17% and didn’t contest that he was in the driver’s seat when pulled over. However, he did testify that the car had been driven by his friend who had taken his keys and was driving him home. However, his friend didn’t have his papers on him [1] and was terrified of being turned over to La Migra so after stopping the car and before the officer reached it, the two swapped places on the assumption that it was just a speeding ticket. The friend told the same story.

    Seriously, I kid you not — I was on the jury.

    [1] Arizona, remember?

  23. Sastra says

    The purpose of Guardian Angels is not to save you from accidents; it’s to make sure that any accident which almost happens or actually does happen happens in such a way as to increase your faith.

    I mean, faith is such a cop-out on so many fronts. It’s a free ticket that cannot lose. You can lose. But all anyone has to do is say “but … it increased my faith” and they’re awarded the most awesome consolation prize imaginable. Or so it says on the package.

  24. Synfandel says

    I hope Prionda Hill took advantage of the Affordable Care Act to get psychological therapy coverage.

  25. says

    So if I’m reading this correctly, God and an angel got into a bar bet and decided to resolve it through a game of chicken by briefly possessing two mortals. And neither one swerved.

  26. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    Guardian Angel!

    That’s what I can do!

    And people say that an art history degree is worthless.

  27. says

    “Weird, he was headed towards Rally’s, and that’s where she went after running him over. This is clearly karma, and therefore evidence of Hinduism or Buddhism.”

    Is the food at Rally’s that bad?

  28. D. C. Sessions says

    Crip, I love you but the idea of you as a guardian angel is terrifying.

    Or was that the idea?

  29. D. C. Sessions says

    Is the food at Rally’s that bad?

    Consider that running over one devout Christian and getting another arrested for a long list of vehicular offenses was an example of Divine Mercy.

  30. forestdragon says

    Kee-rist on a crutch. Great, just effing great – yet something *else* I have to watch out for when walking to my bus stop: dipshits who hand over control of a ton of machinery going at speed to a mythological Bronze Age deity. Now I’m seriously not wanting to live on this damned planet any more. I’m beginning to think that the humorous sign I saw is more truth than humor: “There are more stupid people in the world because fewer stupid people are being eaten by bears.”

    “Idiocracy” was supposed to be a comedy, dammit.

  31. reddiaperbaby1942 says

    I hate to nitpick, but it’s “wringer”, not “ringer”. Few people now probably remember the early pre-automatic washing machines (we had one back in the 50s), which had a separate roller device for wringing out excess water when the washing process was complete. An even earlier idiom, with the same meaning, would have referred to a mangle, as in “I feel as though I’ve been put through the mangle”; a device for dealing with large flat items like sheets instead of ironing them. If you want to know more about mangling, read Dickens’ “Our Mutual Friend”.
    I expect this kind of confusion (like the ubiquitous reign/rein misuse, as in “reign in spending”) on less literate — not to mention right-wing — blogs, but not here!
    Otherwise, I find this story absolutely baffling — not to mention bizarre. To refer to the next item on the blog, even in my seventies I’m subject to disillusionment about my fellow-humans.

  32. sabrekgb says

    God is my co-pilot.

    And any AC worth his wings knows you don’t let the co fly anything important. God may have wanted to drive, but you have to have positive control of the vehicle:

    “God, you have the controls.” If god doesn’t say, “Roger, I have the controls.” then god ain’t drivin’, and you better be.

  33. Nick Gotts says

    So god wanted her to run over a motorcyclist?

    Well obviously, if he hadn’t been run over by her, he’d have been flattened by a 20-tonne gasoline tanker at the next intersection, which would then have crashed, immolating an entire neighbourhood, and killing the baby who’s going to grow up to cure cancer and prevent World War 3. Have a little faith!

  34. lanir says

    Odd. I don’t see any mention in the article about any comment from god after the accident. Nothing like “Leave him, you just made his day and he’s a Philistine anyway” (which would have even apparently and DISTURBINGLY been true, although probably not the Philistine bit). Or maybe a “He has been punished enough. Thou shalt now call 911.” Nope, god apparently left her to her own devices and she had the transformative holy experience many Christians have when called upon to act out their beliefs. The one where the Golden Rule transforms into it’s much simpler, three letter form: CYA – Cover Your own Ass.

    You may think that doesn’t fit the religion at first but it is a good answer to WWJD because Jesus actually did quite a bit of ass covering. Hell, on Palm Sunday he covered two while riding into town.

  35. eamick says

    @18, @40:
    Absolutely, the word should be “wringer.” I hope you took the time to complain to the writer of the original piece (who also botched it) as well.

  36. corwyn says

    Does NO ONE read Judges 1:19 anymore???

    The LORD was with the men of Judah. They took possession of the hill country, but they were unable to drive the people from the plains, because they had chariots fitted with iron.

  37. thebookofdave says

    @Moggie #27

    More specifically, God drove Adam and Eve out of Eden in a Fury. Other automotive miracles include: “On the day of the Pentecost, all of the apostles were in one place, in one Accord”.

  38. thebookofdave says

    I feel kind of responsible for the whole incident. I once took a placard and replaced the “Baby on board” text with “God is my pilot”, and added a silhouette of a driver snoozing at the wheel. Drove around for years with that thing hanging in the rear windscreen, but I never imagined anyone would take it seriously.

  39. says

    She also rear-ended my truck twice, with my girlfriend and me in it. We’re both agnostic, and walked away uninjured. Hooray for not taking sides, I guess.

Leave a Reply