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‘Coach’ Dave Daubenmire: Just Asking Questions

“Coach” Dave Daubenmire wants you to know that he’s just asking questions. He’s not insinuating anything. He’s not trying to spread ridiculous paranoia or anything, he’s just asking questions. The fact that those questions fit the most idiotic right wing memes is purely coincidental.

Have you noticed that everything today is laughed off as a “conspiracy theory?” It is the Left’s way of ridiculing anyone who may question motives, tactics, techniques, and especially, reality. The Right has easily taken the bait. The last thing they want to do is be ridiculed, laughed at, and made fun of. The end result is that we have lost the ability to apply a Leftist technique popularized in the 60’s by Bill Ayers and his maggotty crew of atheistic acolytes…

So today I would like to lob a few thoughts your way and ask if it would make a difference in your approach to figuring out why things are so messed up, if you considered one simple question.

What if it was true? Here goes.

WHAT IF the President really did provide a fake birth certificate? What if He received aid as a foreign student? What if the President really was on the side of the Muslims?

WHAT IF the shredding of our borders was part of a bigger plan to destroy America? What if the Illuminati were real? What if a small group of bankers were pulling all of the strings?

WHAT IF the goal of the Departmental of Education was to make Americans dumber? What if they knew Common Core was designed to subvert America?

WHAT IF there really was something harmful in the “chemtrails” that are being sprayed on us?…

WHAT IF the Kazar and Ashkenazi Jews really did control the media and the financial system? What if most modern Jews had no bloodline connection to Jesus?

WHAT IF there really was no law that required the citizens to pay income taxes? What if the Federal Reserve and the bankers were corrupt and in collusion against the people? What if the stock market was rigged?

WHAT IF God was enraged and the Devil was laughing? What if the Separation between Church and State was a creation of the courts? What if decisions by our courts did not create new laws but were merely opinions about the law?

WHAT IF Supreme Court rulings carried no legal weight other than to encourage the Congress to re-write laws that violated the Constitution?…

WHAT IF “climate change” was a scientific fraud designed to control the lives of Americans? What if “the authorities” have no legal, rightful authority?

WHAT IF the FEMA camps were real and operational? Why? Who are they for?…

WHAT IF the return of the Nephilim was actually occurring? What if UFO’s were actually invaders from a demonic realm?

And what if Dave Daubenmire enjoyed having sex with llamas? I mean, I’m just asking the question, right?

Comments

  1. Larry says

    And what if Dave Daubenmire enjoyed having sex with llamas?

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate

  2. birgerjohansson says

    What if Dave Daubenmire is actually Hannibal, and has been eating the preserved brain of Jimmy Savile, thus getting a prion disease that is compelling him to eat people alive?

  3. birgerjohansson says

    “his maggotty crew of atheistic acolytes…”

    That is actually intended as a compliment, cionsidering that Daubenmire considers the maggots groing inside human carcasses delicious.

  4. John Pieret says

    WHAT IF the goal of the Departmental of Education was to make Americans dumber?

    It would meet its match in you, Coach!

  5. colnago80 says

    What if most modern Jews had no bloodline connection to Jesus?

    What the fuck does this have to do with anything?

  6. Mr Ed says

    His list of questions reads like self parody.

    It is the Left’s way of ridiculing anyone who may question motives, tactics, techniques, and especially, reality.

    It is one thing to worry about the motives, tactics and techniques of those with differing opinions but is he implying we are changing or manipulating reality.

  7. eric says

    What an awesome collection of stupidity! Some of the more amusing ones…

    WHAT IF the President really did provide a fake birth certificate? What if He received aid as a foreign student? What if the President really was on the side of the Muslims?

    None of that’s illegal. IIRC Hawaii confirmed he was a citizen entirely apart from him publicizing his birth certificate. And the latter two would not invalidate an election.

    What if a small group of bankers were pulling all of the strings?

    Then I would suggest we support campaign finance reform. Wouldn’t you?

    What if most modern Jews had no bloodline connection to Jesus?

    Da fuk?

    What if decisions by our courts did not create new laws but were merely opinions about the law?

    Then Hobby Lobby would have to provide birth control coverage to it’s employees.

    WHAT IF the return of the Nephilim was actually occurring? What if UFO’s were actually invaders from a demonic realm?

    Then Kent Brockman would go on TV and say “I for one, welcome our Nephilim and demonic overlords…” If he hasn’t said that already.

  8. Chiroptera says

    The last thing they [the Right] want to do is be ridiculed, laughed at, and made fun of.

    And yet they are.

  9. timpayne says

    I was following right along, hey these are some pretty dern provocative questions….until he got to ‘operational FEMA camps”….say what?

  10. Darjien says

    WHAT IF places outside the US actually existed or mattered? (Except as spawning grounds for fake presidents and other Muslims)?

  11. badgersdaughter says

    What is Dave Daubenmire is being paid to be a public embarrassment and to plant stupid questions in order to distract us from the REAL issues?

  12. Chiroptera says

    What if, like, each of the atoms in my hand is an entire universe while we are living on an atom in a larger being’s hand? Wow, man.

  13. alanb says

    What if most modern Jews had no bloodline connection to Jesus?
    What the fuck does this have to do with anything?

    If you’re unfamiliar with to source of this claim see Khazar myth. Apparently, if Jews are not direct descendents of the original Chosen People, it somehow invalidates the legitimacy of Israel and makes the Holocaust less horrible. Or something.

  14. matty1 says

    I think the blood of Jesus thing is a nod to the white Israel me movement, which teaches everyone in the Bible was really Aryan and modern day Jews have somehow stolen their identity.

    It is telling he would associate a view that was widely dismissed as racist nonsense back in the 19th century with his own political movement.

  15. yoav says

    The last thing they want to do is be ridiculed, laughed at, and made fun of.

    So they should stop making ridiculous and laughable claims.

  16. D. C. Sessions says

    And here we have an expert coaching his followers on how to JAQ off in public.

  17. alanb says

    The last thing they want to do is be ridiculed, laughed at, and made fun of.

    It’s true. I have found that a single Nelson Muntz will silence most conspiracy believers. That’s why they are almost entirely extinct in such places as YouTube, right-wing blogs and Tea Party rallies.

  18. birgerjohansson says

    “What if “the authorities” have no legal, rightful authority?”
    Is he a mormon or something? The authority dervives from the people, unless you think it derives from some prophet patriarch.
    — — — —

    “WHAT IF the return of the Nephilim was actually occurring?”

    If you have read Richard Kadrey’s “Sandman Slim” *novels, you will know that nephilim can be cool. As in *really* cool. The coach seems rather uncool. I wonder if he thinks the nephilim are commies.
    — — — —

    *William Gibson (yes, THAT William Gibson) described the first novel in the series as “the best B film I have read in twenty years”. Not that Daubenmire knows who Gibson is. Or Bradbury. Or Tolkien.

  19. alanb says

    What if eating hamburgers wrapped in colored paper really does make you gay?

    I think Chiroptera wins this round.

  20. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    Gee, there’s an awful lot of big “IFs” there!

  21. fmitchell says

    What if the entire Christian religion was the invention of a misogynistic traveling huckster?

    What if frauds and gullible fools built the tale of an executed street preacher into the most wildly successful mystery religion of Imperial Rome?

    What if, two thousand years later, thousands of millions of people regarded an anthology of self-contradictory religious literature, the “approved works” of a Roman state religion, as the absolutely true and inerrant words of an all-powerful yet curiously reclusive god?

    Just asking questions.

  22. fmitchell says

    @birgerjohansson

    Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical MFMFRRR HELP! HELMPFHFFLM *crunch* *thud*.

  23. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    WHAT IF “climate change” was a scientific fraud designed to control the lives of Americans?

    Yeah, we’d have reduced our dependence on fossil fuels and Arab oil, created new renewable energy technologies and more effcicenct buildings, cars etc .., and made the planet generally a better place for, uh, nothing!

    Funnily enough, most, (not all but most) of the proposed solutions for mitigating Human-Induced Rapid Global Overheating are intrinsically desirable in themselves regardless of whether or not 98 out of 100 climatologists are right or not.

  24. alanb says

    If anyone were interested in more detail about the significance of the Khazar myth (“no bloodline connection to Jesus”), you might be able to find it here. That site is only about a tenth of a Time Cube, but that was enough to keep me from reading it all the way through.

  25. a_ray_in_dilbert_space says

    What if Coach Dave, Donald Trump and all the other right wingnut commentators were a false flag operation designed to make right wingers appear stupid?

    Oh, wait…their followers lap this up like dogs lap up pigshit, so they’re even stupider than Coach Dave et al. Never mind.

  26. says

    How do they do it? They start by saying “The financial system is corrupt and rigged and manipulates the government” and you agree and wonder aloud why none of Wall Street is in jail and then they say “No, no, no! Not those bankers. The other bankers. You know the ones I mean”. It’s like chatting with the collective id of a Ron Paul rally.

  27. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    @28. fmitchell :Help, help you’re being oppressed?

  28. dmcclean says

    WHAT IF the FEMA camps were real and operational? Why? Who are they for?

    The subjunctive: how do it work?

  29. sinned34 says

    What if Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990?

    And what if Dave Daubenmire ate the corpse?

  30. colnago80 says

    Re alanb @ #14

    I have heard of the Khazar hypothesis but I fail to see what this has to do with Yeshua ben Yusef of Nazareth. The Jewish claim to Israel, regardless of its validity, has nothing to do with him and is based on claims made in the Hebrew bible that was written long before he was born.

    By the way, I recall from an article in the New York Times, circa approximately 2005, on the results of genetic testing of Middle East folks that the closest relatives to the Jews are the Kurds, not the Palestinian Arabs. The Wiki article doesn’t mention this.

  31. matty1 says

    A disaster relief agency always struck me as an odd choice to run prison camps. Is it just cause they have lots of tents?

  32. matty1 says

    @38 You have to remember that to a christianist like Daubemire *everything* in the Bible is about Jesus.

  33. caseloweraz says

    Larry: It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    Lles, lles it would.

    (Would that be Fernando Llamas?

    (I know, I know — I’m slandering the memory of the late Argentinian actor. (Lo siento.)))

    It’s the nested parantheses that make this compute properly.

    /spoof

  34. caseloweraz says

    Coach: WHAT IF the President really did provide a fake birth certificate? What if He received aid as a foreign student? What if the President really was on the side of the Muslims? (Emphasis added)

    What if Coach secretly believed that President Obama is God? (Why else would he capitalize the word “He” in that second sentence?)

  35. Kevin Kehres says

    Pfft. Amateur.

    No BENGHAZI!!1eleventy!!11!!!

    No Agenda 21.

    Nutters can’t even count their own nuts anymore.

  36. timpayne says

    @39 In fact, FEMA did run a prison camp. Read ‘Zeitoun’ by Dave Eggers for a far more infuriating account of the federal response to Katrina than you will ever get from the news.

  37. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne says

    The end result is that we have lost the ability to apply a Leftist technique popularized in the 60′s by Bill Ayers and his maggotty crew of atheistic acolytes…

    Scratching my head over this. Is he saying he wishes the Right could apply a technique popularized by “Ayers and his maggotty crew”, but they can’t somehow because they’re afraid of being laughed at? What technique would this be?

  38. busterggi says

    What if Coach Dave really believes the shit he says?

    Then at least one person is incurably insane.

  39. says

    WHAT IF the return of the Nephilim was actually occurring?

    He’s obviously means Nephelam and was referring to the recent release of Diablo 3 Reaper of Souls expansion pack. Since the expansion release, I can’t stop playing Nephelam.

    /geekout

  40. abb3w says

    One of the major flavorings to religious nuttery seems to be esotericism — having privileged access to secret knowledge which changes the way initiates view the world. The most obviously quasi-religious forms associate to revelatory ritual initiations (such as Freemasonry and Wicca), but conspiracy theorists seem more associated to (pseudo-)intellectual inquiry — reading up on and writing about whatever.

    The “just asking questions” approach appears phatic priming, effectively trying to trigger cognitive dissonance via heightening a sense of uncertainty or anxiety, and in turn triggering a cognitive reassessment and persuasive conversion.

    However, I’m not sure whether such recognition and modeling is useful in suggesting how to counter such idiocy.

  41. dingojack says

    If—
    By Rudyard Kipling
    (‘Brother Square-Toes’—Rewards and Fairies)
    If you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
    Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
    If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
    If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;
    If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
    If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
    If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
    Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

    Rudyard Kipling

    Dingo

  42. jnorris says

    WHAT IF God was enraged and the Devil was laughing?

    How would anyone really know? What is the difference between God being enraged and doing nothing and there being no God to get enraged? Just asking, for a friend.

  43. jbrock says

    WHAT IF Coach Dave went full ‘Identity’ in public?

    It really does sound as if that’s where he’s going. And even if he isn’t, maybe it’d still be worthwhile to make the SOB deny it in public.

  44. lorn says

    What if ‘Coach’ Dave Daubenmire is a guy who has spent waaaaaay too much time thinking about conspiracy theories. So much time he isn’t quite sure if he is outside looking in or inside looking out.

    That is one of the many advantages of leaning toward a reality based philosophy. Yes, things can still get a bit muddled around the edges but you can always go back to basics if you get turned around. Without a strong bias for reality one distortion built upon a fabrication based upon a misunderstanding is about as good as any other. So it is easy to lose you place and get lost.

  45. birgerjohansson says

    “the shredding of our borders ”

    ????

    (BTW I apologise for having 2-3 typos in every comment. I should not post when tired.)

  46. dingojack says

    lorn – “What if ‘Coach’ Dave Daubenmire is a guy who has spent waaaaaay too much time thinking about conspiracy theories.”

    Well, on the plus side, at least he’s not spending waaaaaay too much time obsessing about gay sex*…

    Dingo
    ——–
    * maybe next week, when the next ‘shiny new thing’ is due

  47. dragon says

    What IF Dave Daubenmire stopped spewing his few remaining brain cells out of his nose?
    What IF Dave Daubenmire stopped reading those mucus encrusted cells like a seer reading the entrails of a goat?
    Then he might, just might, stop being ‘ ridiculed, laughed at, and made fun of’.

    No, too late. He is passed the point of that return.

  48. steffp says

    “bloodline of Jesus”
    And I thought his father was not human, and he himself stayed celibate…

  49. says

    @33&37

    You know, it really does NOTHING to help establish a dialogue with people like Dave DeeipntehmireofKKKristich fantasy when you make comments like those.

    It’s fairly well established (in my mind) that Glennie Bek was one of a number of co-conspirators and that it was not A girl but A remote, isolated facility for young nubile women and pre-pubescent boys that they took over and used as a “chicken ranch” before murdering, mutilating and, eventually, eating those young people.

    At least that’s the way the voices in my head have told me that it happened.

  50. Matrim says

    @alanb

    I have found that a single Nelson Muntz will silence most conspiracy believers.

    I prefer the Krabappel, myself.

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