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Klingenschmitt Wants to Cast Demons Out of Atheists

The galactically stupid Gordon Klingenschmitt is not happy that the Supreme Court didn’t agree to hear a case that forbid a school district from holding graduation in a church. He says there’s just something with us atheists who don’t want to go to church — and the solution is exorcism.

“If the atheist complainer is so uncomfortable when they walk into a church that there’s something inside of them squirming and making them feel these feelings of hatred toward the cross of Jesus Christ,” Klingenschmitt said, “don’t you think it’s something inside of the atheist complainer that’s wrong?”

“I have a solution,” he continued. “Let’s do an exorcism and cast the Devil out of them and then they’ll feel comfortable when they walk into church.”

Okay Gordo, I’ll volunteer. You can perform an exorcism on me and try to cast out my “demons.” We’ll record it and put it on Youtube. I think we’ll have a lot of fun. Well, I will anyway.

Comments

  1. says

    Okay Gordo, I’ll volunteer. You can perform an exorcism on me and try to cast out my “demons.” We’ll record it and put it on Youtube. I think we’ll have a lot of fun. Well, I will anyway.

    Yes, I was going to say… this sounds eerily like a testable claim.

  2. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne says

    The solution is to move the graduation to a mosque. Then Christians can feel uncomfortable and Gordo can cast out their demons.

  3. blf says

    The solution is to move the graduation to a mosque. Then Christians can feel uncomfortable and Gordo can cast out their demons.

    Who casts out dumbo’s demons?

  4. D. C. Sessions says

    Why can’t we have a showdown between Gordo and one of the witch doctors from India? Let them have a wizard war over you on TV: one can try to kill you and the other can try to cast out demons. Yours or the witch doctors, whichever he chooses (give Gordo the edge, that.)

    There’s even some Biblical precedent. How could he refuse?

  5. says

    …the cross of Jesus Christ…

    I don’t see why they think the cross is so important. Jesus spent His whole life leading up to one, got it, showed it off to everybody and only used it once. It’s the StairMaster of Roman punishment devices.

  6. moarscienceplz says

    Easy peasy. The graduations should alternate. One year in a church, the next year in a gay bar. Everybody’s happy, right?

  7. bruceheerssen says

    Ed, please, please send Gordo a personal invite. This is something I’d love to see.

  8. Doug Little says

    Marcus @10

    I’ll volunteer! As long as I can spit stage blood all over him and spin my head around and stuff like that!!!

    I thought it was pea soup.

  9. eric says

    @5 – nah, that’s too easy for Gordon to spin into a victory. “My exorcism was obviously a success because the witch doctor’s spells failed as soon as I had cast out his demon.” The Ed challenge is much better because it puts the emphasis where it belongs – on making Gordon make something wierd happen to prove his assertion. No wierdness means no success for him.

    I do think it would be fun to watch Ed fake a “…demonic…power…fading….free….to vote…republican…” moment in the middle of it.

  10. katkinkate says

    I’d be careful of volunteering for an exorcism if I were you. Some exorcisms include torture and a high possibility of death of the unfortunate ‘possessed’.

  11. hrafn says

    Someone should ask Gordo how many times he’s been in a mosque (few to no times I suspect), and what makes him feel “uncomfortable”, “squirming”, and “feel these feelings of hatred toward the” star and the crescent of Islam.

    I wonder if Muslims perform exorcisms. By Gordo’s own logic, he is just as in need of one as an atheist.

  12. dingojack says

    Modusoperandi (#6) – I’m sure the followers of Spartacus (had they heard your levity) would still be WIAWFDTCAVAOMI*.
    @@ Dingo
    ——–
    * Writhing in agony and wishing for death on their crucifixes, along the Via Apia at one mile intervals.

  13. Lofty says

    I feel comfortable when I walk into church. There’s some great bookshops and restaurants in old churches around here. Just so long as the deluded ranters stay away from me, I’m quite fond of a hammer beam or two.

  14. John Pieret says

    I would dearly love to visit some of the great Gothic cathedrals of Europe and imagine the voice of Kenneth Clark from Civilization echoing in the corners. Atheists, agnostics and anyone who has true concern for the Constitution (not wingnuts’ ersatz version) aren’t afraid of churches, they are afraid of the government corralling children into churches.

  15. dingojack says

    The mere thought of bumping into that tedious necrophiliac* Kenny Clark, would be an excellent reason to avoid churches of all stripes.
    Dingo
    ——–
    * I direct your attention to the double episode in which he digs up and then vigorously humps the rotting corpse of the mediocre artist and collaborator/apologist for French Revolution’s excesses, Jacques-Louis David .

  16. anubisprime says

    @ OP

    “If the atheist complainer is so uncomfortable when they walk into a church that there’s something inside of them squirming and making them feel these feelings of hatred toward the cross of Jesus Christ,”

    Atheist complainer?

    Is that not the subject complaining about atheists?

    But if they are uncomfortable going into church that will be because there are fuckin’ brain dead dangerously dumb fucktards in there like ‘klingonshit’

    Klingenschmitt said, “don’t you think it’s something inside of the atheist complainer that’s wrong?”

    “don’t you think…” there is the problem right there…!

  17. sh3baproject says

    @22 lets plan a trip to europe then :D can we visit milan catherdal first?

    is gordon gonna use holy water on ed first or is he gonna nail him to a cross before anything else?

  18. 12ab says

    Klinger, along with all candidates both Republican and Democrat who won primary elections are currently in the Colorado State House for orientation to the legislative processes. The Klinger suggested that they have prayer and “cast out the demons among the democrats.” The senior Republican on site told him to “cease and desist” because he was making them the laughing stock of Colorado politics. He further told the Klinger that he would have to give up his daily “Pray In Jesus Name” computer show. They got into a shouting match and the Klinger told him to pound sand, stating that he would not cease and desist and he would not give up his magic show. A person who has no conscience, no shame and is willing to lie about anything and everything is somewhat impossible to handle. Those folks at the state house have no idea what they have on their hands and I don’t think there is any way they can kick him out after winning the election. The only hope would be that the Democratic candidate beat the Klinger in the general election in November. That is unlikely since District 15 and El Paso County has a “wingnut crazy” republican majority. The republican machine should turn on its own candidate and encourage republicans to vote for the democrat in November because they will have exponentially fewer problems in dealing with a democrat than they will ever have in dealing with the likes of the Klinger.

  19. jnorris says

    One day Mr Klingenschmitt will burst a blood vessel and have a stroke. I hope someone notices and calls 911. I also hope he takes care of his health and uses actual medical science to that purpose.

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