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Jun 20 2014

Dutch Sheets Whistles Past the Graveyard

I’ve noted with great amusement over the last couple years the Christian right leaders who try so hard to pretend that everything is going to be fine, that they’ll somehow recapture their ability to control others. Dutch Sheets, a self-declared “prophet” with the New Apostolic Reformation, delivers the usual “if we pray enough, God will fix it all” soliloquy.

A demonic tide of destruction has been unleashed upon our nation, and is taking ground at an increasingly rapid rate. Politically, economically and humanistically, there is an agenda to make this nation never again look the way it has looked before. Yet, God has not given up on America! He has great a plan and a purpose for this nation and He is calling on us to partner with His heart and His strategy in this critical hour.

Actually, he’s kinda right. There IS an agenda to make this nation never again look the way it has before. It’s been going on for more than 150 years. It started with ending slavery, giving women the right to vote and to get an education, ending legal segregation and the Jim Crow laws, ending the Christian authoritarians’ power to regulate the sex lives of women, and now ending legal discrimination against LGBT people. He calls it a “demonic tide of destruction.” I call it incredible moral progress. And it goes without saying that his God is angry about it, as he supposedly was about all the previous advances too.

If the church wakes up from her slumber, heeds the voice of the prophets and begins to partner with righteous government leaders to take her stand, the Lord will make a way for our nation’s biblical foundations to be restored. His glory will fill our land once again. God’s desire is that you would contend for and see revival in your city and nation!

Church, we cannot become so busy making money and building our own houses, that we lay aside the often painful and sacrificial work of restoration required for God’s kingdom to come and His will to be done in America.

It is OK to grieve, like Jeremiah or Nehemiah, over the condition of our nation, but we must not give in to discouragement and fear. God is calling forth an army of faithful followers who will come up out of their discouragement to boldly push back the darkness.

Many leaders in government, health, education and ministry are having to make a decision right now—am I going to make my stand or am I going to compromise and yield to the enemy’s plans? I, for one, say what America’s founding fathers said upon signing the Declaration of Independence and, thereby, committing an act of treason against the crown: I pledge my life, my fortune, my sacred honor—everything to stop this insidious plan of hell. Will you join me?

Nice touch with the melodrama there at the end, Dutch. I’m sure it will appeal greatly to the kind of people who would listen to you.

20 comments

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  1. 1
    matty1

    Did America’s founders really refer to the status quo they rebelled against as “this insidious plan of hell”?

  2. 2
    Doug Little

    Actually, he’s kinda right. There IS an agenda to make this nation never again look the way it has before. It’s been going on for more than 150 years. It started with ending slavery, giving women the right to vote and to get an education, ending legal segregation and the Jim Crow laws, ending the Christian authoritarians’ power to regulate the sex lives of women, and now ending legal discrimination against LGBT people. He calls it a “demonic tide of destruction.” I call it incredible moral progress. And it goes without saying that his God is angry about it, as he supposedly was about all the previous advances too.

    QFFT!

  3. 3
    Mr Ed

    Kinda fun to read it as an over wrought Hamlet.

  4. 4
    raven

    Dutch Sheets, a self-declared “prophet” with the New Apostolic Reformation, delivers the usual “if we pray enough, God will fix it all” soliloquy.

    1. If that is all he did, we would all be better off.

    2. Even as one of the fake New Apostles, he isn’t very competent. Prayer is all fine and good but god requires more.

    Money!!! Huge quantities of money. This is the magic ingredient of faith and religion.

    So, for any fundies reading, check your bank balance. Send it all to “god” care of Dutch Sheets or the self described prophet or apostle of your choice. I’m sure that god will be pleased. Besides makers of luxury goods such as mansions, fast cars, private jets, and fine wines and drugs need to eat too.

  5. 5
    matty1

    Isn’t Dutch Sheets a euphemism for something?

  6. 6
    busterggi

    “A demonic tide of destruction has been unleashed upon our nation, and is taking ground at an increasingly rapid rate.” and “Yet, God … has great a plan and a purpose for this nation”

    Well then that tide is part of god’s plan and believers should stop trying to muck it up.

  7. 7
    Marcus Ranum

    Yet, God has not given up on America! He has great a plan and a purpose for this nation

    Everything is going according to plan.

  8. 8
    janiceintoronto

    Why can’t they just shut up and let their all-powerful God fix everything?

    Surely He doesn’t need human help. If He created the universe, he ought to be able to fix the “problems” his silly band of primate have caused all by himself.

  9. 9
    oranje

    Isn’t Dutch Sheets when you and your partner(s) agree to use the middle of the bed to?

    (sorry)

  10. 10
    dingojack

    Matty1 (#5) – Since he seems to have overindulged the Dutch Courage, I suspect it means rubber sheets.

    Perhaps this dingaling has been taking a leaf out of Elder Hitch’s playbook:

    “At the appointed hour Elder William Hitch rose, and, in an irritated voice, as if he had already been contradicted, said, “I tell you that Joe Smith is a martyr, that his brother Hiram is a martyr, and that the persecutions of the United States Government against the prophets will also make a martyr of Brigham Young. Who dares to say the contrary?”
    No one ventured to gainsay the missionary, whose excited tone contrasted curiously with his naturally calm visage. No doubt his anger arose from the hardships to which the Mormons were actually subjected. The government had just succeeded, with some difficulty, in reducing these independent fanatics to its rule. It had made itself master of Utah, and subjected that territory to the laws of the Union, after imprisoning Brigham Young on a charge of rebellion and polygamy. The disciples of the prophet had since redoubled their efforts, and resisted, by words at least, the authority of Congress. Elder Hitch, as is seen, was trying to make proselytes on the very railway trains.
    Then, emphasising his words with his loud voice and frequent gestures, he related the history of the Mormons from Biblical times: how that, in Israel, a Mormon prophet of the tribe of Joseph published the annals of the new religion, and bequeathed them to his son Mormon; how, many centuries later, a translation of this precious book, which was written in Egyptian, was made by Joseph Smith, junior, a Vermont farmer, who revealed himself as a mystical prophet in 1825; and how, in short, the celestial messenger appeared to him in an illuminated forest, and gave him the annals of the Lord.
    Several of the audience, not being much interested in the missionary’s narrative, here left the car; but Elder Hitch, continuing his lecture, related how Smith, junior, with his father, two brothers, and a few disciples, founded the church of the “Latter Day Saints,” which, adopted not only in America, but in England, Norway and Sweden, and Germany, counts many artisans, as well as men engaged in the liberal professions, among its members; how a colony was established in Ohio, a temple erected there at a cost of two hundred thousand dollars, and a town built at Kirkland; how Smith became an enterprising banker, and received from a simple mummy showman a papyrus scroll written by Abraham and several famous Egyptians.
    The Elder’s story became somewhat wearisome, and his audience grew gradually less, until it was reduced to twenty passengers. But this did not disconcert the enthusiast, who proceeded with the story of Joseph Smith’s bankruptcy in 1837, and how his ruined creditors gave him a coat of tar and feathers; his reappearance some years afterwards, more honourable and honoured than ever, at Independence, Missouri, the chief of a flourishing colony of three thousand disciples, and his pursuit thence by outraged Gentiles, and retirement into the Far West.
    Ten hearers only were now left, among them honest Passepartout, who was listening with all his ears. Thus he learned that, after long persecutions, Smith reappeared in Illinois, and in 1839 founded a community at Nauvoo, on the Mississippi, numbering twenty-five thousand souls, of which he became mayor, chief justice, and general-in-chief; that he announced himself, in 1843, as a candidate for the Presidency of the United States; and that finally, being drawn into ambuscade at Carthage, he was thrown into prison, and assassinated by a band of men disguised in masks.
    Passepartout was now the only person left in the car, and the Elder, looking him full in the face, reminded him that, two years after the assassination of Joseph Smith, the inspired prophet, Brigham Young, his successor, left Nauvoo for the banks of the Great Salt Lake, where, in the midst of that fertile region, directly on the route of the emigrants who crossed Utah on their way to California, the new colony, thanks to the polygamy practised by the Mormons, had flourished beyond expectations.
    And this,” added Elder William Hitch, “this is why the jealousy of Congress has been aroused against us! Why have the soldiers of the Union invaded the soil of Utah? Why has Brigham Young, our chief, been imprisoned, in contempt of all justice? Shall we yield to force? Never! Driven from Vermont, driven from Illinois, driven from Ohio, driven from Missouri, driven from Utah, we shall yet find some independent territory on which to plant our tents. And you, my brother,” continued the Elder, fixing his angry eyes upon his single auditor, “will you not plant yours there, too, under the shadow of our flag?”
    “No!” replied Passepartout courageously, in his turn retiring from the car, and leaving the Elder to preach to vacancy.”*

    :) Dingo
    ======
    * Apologies for the long quote, but you have to get the full effect….

  11. 11
    sinned34

    “Dutch sheets” are what you have to wash after completing a “Rusty Venture.”

  12. 12
    D. C. Sessions

    Isn’t Dutch Sheets a euphemism for something?Isn’t Dutch Sheets a euphemism for something?

    Nothing comes directly to mind other than Amsterdam’s rather extensive (and legal) red-light district.

    Somehow I don’t think the subject of this particular article of Ed’s wants to appear in Doonesbury as a ghostly form in stained linen. On the other and, if anyone wants to have a go at drawing up something …

  13. 13
    John Pieret

    Church, we cannot become so busy making money and building our own houses

    Well, at least he admits what the main business of religion is.

  14. 14
    anubisprime

    If their delusional god trope is the force they claim, and knows, all controls everything, and is fully aware of what is going down, all the time…why do jeebus sunshine dingleberries have to pray harder?

    Things are obviously going the way it has been ordained!

    These clowns are trying to second guess their hero…do they think they are greater then the delusion they created, know better, are better, are more important then their god?…It would seem so…and a truck load of ‘em are heading for a hot bath not of their liking.

  15. 15
    dingojack

    I hear he changed his surname by deed poll from the original — Oven*.
    Dingo
    ——–
    * Or was it Capp?

  16. 16
    Brony

    Translation

    A bunch of icky things we can’t control are interacting with us! People think that just because it does not really harm anyone they should live and let live! Society is changing and it’s SO SCARY! But if I tell you that the magic guy we all talk about non-specifically wants us to do something that will let me play your emotions and get you riled up and doing what I want you to do before it’s too late to control other people and make the icky things go away.
    ***
    If we respond to icky things bothering us the way I want, ways to defeat our political enemies will magically appear and we will be able to make the icky things go away, and we will also get to control other people in lots of other ways we want.
    Social peers, don’t get distracted by real-world resource accumulation and ignore the way we want to make everyone act like us and look like us, except for the ones that can’t look like us who we will just control.
    It’s ok to be bummed about how we can’t make everyone look and act like us the way we used to, but don’t let that stop you from trying. If you keep trying a solution will magically appear and we will make the icky things go away or control them.
    Our friends in powerful places are considering accepting that society does not want to make the icky things go away or control them. You should do what I’m doing and play pretend or cherry-pick history for things that make me feel better like we do with the Bible. It helps when you start thinking that the icky things might not really be harmful, or that we don’t have to control other people.

  17. 17
    Pierce R. Butler

    Church, we cannot become so busy …

    Did Bro Sheets adapt this from Stephen Colbert’s custom of starting his spiels with “Nation, …” – or vice versa?

  18. 18
    longstreet63

    I got some bad cod last week and had the Dutch Sheets for three days…

  19. 19
    democommie

    I think Dutch Sheets may be a splinter Hell’s Angels biker club in A-dam who are more blatantly white supremacist than the others.

  20. 20
    greg1466

    If the church wakes up from her slumber, heeds the voice of the prophets and begins to partner with righteous government leaders to take her stand, the Lord will make a way for our nation’s biblical foundations to be restored.”

    Which I’m okay with since you can’t really restore something that never existed in the first place.

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