Ladies and Gentlemen, Christian Rap


I grew up listening to a lot of Christian rock, most of which, in retrospect, really sucked. But nothing could have prepared me for the horrors of Christian rap. Here are a couple videos that will probably leave your jaw on the floor as they did mine. This is spectacularly bad.

And this one…I should probably just apologize in advance.

Comments

  1. blf says

    My flashplayer plugin crashed whilst trying to load this thread!

    I’m taking that as a Very Strong Hint…

  2. matty1 says

    @1 See that still on the second video? The one that looks like Glenn Beck pretending to be a black teenager in 1985? It’s all like that, only worse.

  3. busterggi says

    Edgar Allen lives!

    Or are Christians so hard up for creative ideas that they have to resume stealing from other cultures as they did for all ‘their’ holidays.

  4. corporal klinger says

    @ Ed

    “…I should probably just apologize in advance. …”

    Yes, yes you should!
    It will take me hours to get the cat down from the roof.

  5. blf says

    It will take me hours to get the cat down from the roof.

    Why it should it want to come down? Faced with the choice ot listening to that or sitting on a roof with a hungry cat, the mice’s choice is simple. Your biggest concern should be being hit on the head by a considerably overweight cat rolling off the roof…

  6. iknklast says

    Brett:

    What teenager these days says “Oh my goodness!”

    Try out rural towns in the American Midwest. They’re all so squeaky clean (at least in their language). They have problems with me using the word “dung” in Biology class when discussing the dung beetle. They think I should call it the “poo beetle”. I refuse. This is college, not kindergarten.

  7. raven says

    Xian rock is terrible. Not because it is xian. But because it is terrible music, poorly written and poorly performed.

    A few months ago, we went on a trip to Nowhereland aka far northern California, a world class scenic area where few live (Mount Shasta etc..) It wasn’t that long before there were few radio stations and half of them seemed to play xian rock.

    All the songs sounded the same. It was basically minimal instrumental backing with someone droning some lyrics with all the excitement of reciting the phone book.

  8. dingojack says

    What elements of Christian Rap, specifically, makes it particularly awful?
    I mean apart from the obvious, white kids trying to get ‘street cred’ by co-opting another ‘cooler’ culture as an offset to the unpopular Christian culture (especially among their peers generally) that they are trying to ‘push’ onto others (evangelising under the principle of ‘misery loves company’, perhaps?)
    Dingo

  9. corporal klinger says

    @blf

    Actually, I’m more concerned about the looks she’s giving me….
    I wish I knew how to post photos here just to show you. Scary ;)

  10. raven says

    Try out rural towns in the American Midwest. They’re all so squeaky clean (at least in their language)….

    That must be what life is like among the Eloi.

    Democrat chastised for saying ‘uterus’ on House floor …
    www .tampabay. com/…florida…/democrat-chastised-saying-uterus-house-…

    Mar 31, 2011 – Republicans, after all, wouldn’t want to further regulate a Florida … voiced concern about young pages hearing the word uterus. …

    In Florida, uterus is apparently a forbidden word among the xians. Fallopian tubes would also be if they had the slightest idea what they actually were.

  11. says

    raven (#11) –

    Xian rock is terrible. Not because it is xian. But because it is terrible music, poorly written and poorly performed.

    There’s a reason no one who started out as a “christian music star” has ever gone on to mainstream success, and it’s not censorship (though I’ve heard wingnuts claim that it is).

    A few months ago, we went on a trip to Nowhereland aka far northern California, […] there were few radio stations and half of them seemed to play xian rock.
    All the songs sounded the same. It was basically minimal instrumental backing with someone droning some lyrics with all the excitement of reciting the phone book.

    Religious themed music is similar to Soviet or North Korean music. It forcibly and intentionally written about and to idolize a single subject. It’s always written with an agenda, and it never comes naturally nor comes across as natural. Cripes, Styx’s “Mr. Roboto” album sounds better than nearly every christian song I’ve heard, and that album was putrid.

  12. UnknownEric the Apostate says

    Twenty-some-odd years ago, my “born again” cousin gave me a tape of Christian rap. It’s hard to believe, but judging from the above videos, it seems to have gotten even worse over the years. And considering how bad that tape was, that’s saying something.

  13. flyv65 says

    @left0ver1under

    “There’s a reason no one who started out as a “christian music star” has ever gone on to mainstream success, and it’s not censorship (though I’ve heard wingnuts claim that it is).”

    Umm, I seem to remember that back in the 80’s there was a female artist named Any Grant who was quite popular and seemed to have a pretty voice. I can’t, of course, comment on the quality of her music but I owned several of her album covers…

  14. bmiller says

    There are a few exceptions. There is a British metal band My Shining Wake that has been consistently excellent over their career. But their lyrics are somewhat more introspective and esoteric than standard “I wanna make sweet man love to Jesus” junk. Urk, those lyrics are bad.

    One of my favorite musicians is David Eugene Edwards. Definitely Calvinist…almost obnoxious, but his blend of rock and bluegrass and experimentation is stunning. Imagine a younger, crazier, furrier Tom Petty and that is what he looks like. Plus, his use of King James English is parts of the lyrics…I love the arcane phrasing and wordplay.

  15. bmiller says

    I should note, DEE’s current musical project is WOVENHAND. He was also involved in 16 HORSEPOWER. Both outstanding Dark Americana bands!

  16. countryboy says

    To be fair, I have a neighbor that does Christian rap and his stuff is actually pretty good. No Bible beating, just about social problems and about how Christians should get involved to solve them. Yes, he knows I’m an unrepentant atheist and it doesn’t affect our friendship. He isn’t looking for converts, just looking for ways to make things better.

  17. sinned34 says

    There is one Christian metal band that I still occasionally listen to. Particularly one album: Tourniquet’s “Pathogenic Ocular Dissonance” is actually a pretty solid album. The lyrics aren’t half bad, the vocals are suspect in a few places, but otherwise decent, the guitar work is pretty good, and Ted Kirkpatrick is actually a very good drummer.

    My favorite song from that album is probably Ruminating Virulence.

    But that’s one gem in the continent of fecal matter that is Christian music.

  18. says

    flyv65 (#18) –

    If that’s the case, I wasn’t aware. I had heard Grant went the other way, from bland Tepid 40 to christopop. I was too busy listening to Chrissie Hynde and Annie Lennox to pay much attention.

  19. grumpyoldfart says

    @ #10 who wrote:

    Try out rural towns in the American Midwest. They’re all so squeaky clean (at least in their language). They have problems with me using the word “dung” in Biology class when discussing the dung beetle. They think I should call it the “poo beetle”. I refuse. This is college, not kindergarten.

    Remind them of Malachi 2:3 where God explains what will happen to those who fail to give glory to his name: Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces

    It doesn’t mean much, but it will probably surprise them.

  20. dingojack says

    countryboy – don’t sound so surprised. Not all cristians are arseholes, a good proportion perhaps, but not all.
    Dingo

  21. scienceavenger says

    After the buildup of the comments, I felt let down after watching the videos. The first one has to be a Poe, no one could think those facial expressions are anything other than idiotic. But the song doesn’t stand out from most rap, same old minimalist overly repetitive music and dumb-ass lyrics with kindergarten level rhymes. Dime a dozen, if it weren’t from the silly Christian content, it would blend just fine.

    The second one is a blatant ripoff of a mainstream hit song with the Christian lyrics overlaid, though I can’t recall the name.

    (C)rap – stupid music for stupid people since 1978

  22. Brent says

    1. Christian rap is terrible for the same reason that Soviet Propaganda posters are terrible — art in the service of an ideological point usually sucks.

    2. It is debatable whether Christian rap is worse than Scientology rap. Check out this recent example featured on the blog of journalist Tony Ortega, who’s written about the cult for almost 20 years. There are links to other hip hop videos produced by various local cult organizations which are pretty bad as well. http://tonyortega.org/2014/05/22/scientology-hip-hop-is-there-anything-better-in-the-world/

  23. busterggi says

    G’wan raven, “Fallopian tubes would also be if they had the slightest idea what they actually were.”

    Everyone knows Fallopian tubes are what you slide down at water parks. Even Floridians aren’t that dumb.

  24. Jordan Genso says

    I was expecting Puff Daddy to jump out yelling “This Is The Remix” during that first video.

    (that joke would’ve been more relevant 15 years ago)

  25. spamamander, internet amphibian says

    @ 26

    The first one is an overlay as well, from the song “Soulja Boy”. The original was horrible but this was even worse.

    The second is based off of Sir Mix A Lot’s “Baby Got Back”.

  26. catbutler says

    Mock me all you like, but I thought the second one was mildly amusing (except for the gratuitous slut shaming I’d add).

  27. Ichthyic says

    no idolism there… nosiree.

    I look forward to our giant gold cow overlords.

  28. John Pieret says

    In that first one … their mom’s basement ought to sue for cruel and inhuman punishment.

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