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Mar 28 2014

Robertson Explains Why Jesus Wouldn’t Bake a Gay Cake

In a 700 Club segment on the case involving a baker who refused to make a cake for a gay wedding celebration, Pat Robertson launched into a rather bizarre diatribe about why Jesus wouldn’t have baked a cake for them either because they would have been stoned to death. He seemed rather sad that things had changed and gay people actually had rights now.

“I think you got to remember from the Bible, if you look carefully at the Bible what would have happened in Jesus’ time if two men decided they wanted to cohabit together, they would have been stoned to death,” Robertson said. “So Jesus would not have baked them a wedding cake nor would he have made them a bed to sleep in because they wouldn’t have been there. But we don’t have that in this country here so that’s the way it is.” (Robertson’s claim that Jesus would never have encountered a same-sex couple is a matter of debate.)

Robertson added: “Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have to recognize what I said a few years ago, at that point homosexual marriage was condemned, homosexuality itself was considered a pathology and now those that are practicing that activity have turned and become the oppressors of those who hold deeply-held religious points of view, the tables have turned.”

“What is it about gays? What is it about abortion? Have you ever thought why they’re on the forefront right now? Both of them deny the reproduction of human species,” Robertson said, adding that homosexuality is “a meaningless exercise because it doesn’t go anywhere.”

“The Devil is trying to say, ‘I’m going to destroy your progeny any way I can. If you will kill your babies, that’s fine, I’m with you; if you will deny the chance of having babies, that’s fine too; but I want to destroy your opportunities to reproduce,’” he said. “It’s a very serious thing and we’re not talking about it, and we need to as a society, we have to realize where the attack is coming because it is definitely an attack.”

He’s right, of course. Gay people are now oppressing Christians by not letting them kill them anymore.

26 comments

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  1. 1
    Christoph Burschka

    Thou shalt not bake for men as thou bakest for man and woman; it is an abomination. (LEV 18:22(b))

    It’s right there in the errata.

  2. 2
    Randomfactor

    Leavening and passover. Wait a couple weeks, nu?

  3. 3
    Marcus Ranum

    Both of them deny the reproduction of human species,”

    I bet the voluntary human extinction project (http://www.vhemt.org/) really has him worried. I’ve done my bit: snip snip!

  4. 4
    shadowwalkyr

    ‘Cause he was a carpenter (and part-time vintner)?

  5. 5
    pixiedust

    Robertson, channeling Satan: “I want to destroy your opportunities to reproduce,’”

    Judging by the world’s population of humans, Satan isn’t doing very well. You’d think Pat would be happy.

  6. 6
    Gregory in Seattle

    Just like Jesus would have shunned lepers and stoned prostitutes.

    Oh, wait….

  7. 7
    d.c.wilson

    “So Jesus would not have baked them a wedding cake nor would he have made them a bed to sleep in because they wouldn’t have been there.”

    And there you have the fundamentalist utopia in one sentence. It’s not really what homosexuals do or what rights they demand that really pisses Crazy Uncle Pat off. It’s the mere fact that they exist.”

  8. 8
    Synfandel

    …homosexuality is “a meaningless exercise because it doesn’t go anywhere.”

    Since Pat has four children, I assume Dede has got some lovin’ only four times. Any other time, it would have gone nowhere.

  9. 9
    Synfandel

    @4 shadowwalkyr wrote:

    ‘Cause he was a carpenter (and part-time vintner)?

    Also a weekend recreational messiah.

  10. 10
    dingojack

    {…So Jesus would not have baked them a wedding cake nor would he have made them a bed to sleep in …”

    A 33yr Jewish virgin Momma’s boy who liked hanging around with 12 other men…..
    Are you sure about that Patty?
    Dingo

  11. 11
    sigurd jorsalfar

    You know what would have happened in Jesus’ time if some dude went around saying and doing the things Jesus said and did? He would have been crucified. So Jesus never would have said or done anything that Jesus said or did, right Pat?

    Oh and there goes Pat arguing once again that baking cakes for gay weddings means straight people will stop reproducing. Sure, Pat.

  12. 12
    neuroturtle

    Even if we accept his premise that the alternatives are homosexuality vs. infanticide… you’d think he’d come down on the side of homosexuality. But here he is, arguing for gay people to marry and reproduce, at which point in his twisted world they then kill their offspring?

  13. 13
    busterggi

    Jesus never married, never had a heterosexual relationship and cohabited with twelve other guys – some of whom he stole away from their wives.

    Really Pat?

  14. 14
    Moon Jaguar

    Pat’s right. Jesus would never have baked a cake for a gay couple. He might have enslaved them, however. Because slavery was totally OK back then. And that’s why we have to follow His example. The End.

  15. 15
    Gregory in Seattle

    A co-worker just told me: “When you ask, ‘What would Jesus do?’ keep in mind that any answer will include overturning table and whipping bankers.”

  16. 16
    matty1

    “in Jesus’ time if two men decided they wanted to cohabit together, they would have been stoned to death,”

    You mean like an adulterous woman? For someone who goes on about the Bible he sure doesn’t seem to have read the fucking thing.

  17. 17
    Moggie

    It’s a very serious thing and we’re not talking about it

    Yes! Finally someone is prepared to talk about the homosexual menace, after the years of baffling silence from Christians about this issue!

  18. 18
    laurentweppe

    Pat Robertson launched into a rather bizarre diatribe about why Jesus wouldn’t have baked a cake for them either

    Roman Palestine, Circa 31 CE:
    Jesus: “Oh for Dad’s sake! I already brought the fucking wine!

  19. 19
    democommie

    “Also a weekend recreational messiah.”

    Is there a Christian Mingle listing for a J.C.?

    I can see it, now.

    Likes: Christian Calendar Sunsets; fatted calf with pita bread, sailing, preaching to the choir, gold.

    Dislikes: Frankincense and Myrrh, thorns, Garden of Gethsemane, the color purple, Pharisees.

    Life’s desire: World peace,! ha, ha, just kidding!

  20. 20
    doublereed

    Well yea. Jesus was a carpenter.

  21. 21
    dingojack

    doublereed – [further to your post above] “Well yea. Jesus was a carpenter”

    He would have got Mary’s sister Martha to do it (it’s women’s work, ammiright, Patty?)

    Dingo

  22. 22
    Nomad

    What is it about gays? What is it about abortion? Have you ever thought why they’re on the forefront right now?

    That’s a good question Pat. Why is it always about sex? Why is it never about eating lobster, wearing poly cotton blends, or JUDGING PEOPLE?

  23. 23
    dingojack

    Oh wait a second! Now I get it!
    So Jesus would not have baked them a wedding cake nor would he have made them a bed to sleep in because they wouldn’t have been there“.

    Jesus wouldn’t have baked them a cake, because he never knew they were coming*.

    Dingo
    ——–
    * so to speak ;)

  24. 24
    colnago80

    Well, Yeshua ben Yusef of Nazareth might not have baked them a cake but he might have agreed to build a table and chairs for them.

  25. 25
    marcus

    sigurs jorsalfar @ 11 “Oh and there goes Pat arguing once again that baking cakes for gay weddings means straight people will stop reproducing.’
    To be fair gay wedding cakes are very delicious, though they probably wouldn’t replace sex altogether.

  26. 26
    caseloweraz

    My two cents: Jesus wouldn’t have needed to bake a cake. He would have simply taken a crust of bread, broken it in two, and cakes would have magically appeared at the wedding.

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