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Mar 05 2014

Meet the Wingnut Candidate: Janice Fountaine

I’ve long said that as bad as Congress is, to find the really bizarre folks in office you have to go to the state legislatures. If Janice Fountaine is elected to the Maryland State Senate, she should fit right in. To start with, she’s a self-declared prophet of God:

Prophetess Janice Fountaine is a native of Washington, DC and the wife of Elder Darnell Fountaine. She received her calling to preach and to the office of the prophet in 1994, by the Spirit of God. She is an ordained Apostle and Pastor. After having Pastored for 10 years, Apostle Fountaine is now the Presiding Apostolic Prelate of the Five-fold Church Fellowship, Which includes Janice Fountaine Ministries, International Company of Prophets, etc. She is also the Presiding Pastor of Kingdom Empowerment Prophetic Worship Center, as well as the founder of Janice Fountaine Ministries, Inc., and Unveiling Truth.

Typical Christian right grifter. But did you know that your masturbation is being orchestrated by the devil himself?

The practice of homosexuality and self-pleasure, are age old systems, being recharged and reorganized for end-time warfare. It is being orchestrated from the diabolical realms of the supernatural and manifested on earth, with the overall intention, to silence the church forever. These actions, by satan, is (sic) an all out declaration of victory, as the church finds itself caught off guard and intertwined in his evil end-time warfare, strategies and systems.

That’ll look great on the platform. Christine O’Donnell, call your office please.

34 comments

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  1. 1
    aaronbaker

    But surely, if they’re all self-pleasuring, we can get the drop on our Satanic enemies? Has she fully thought this out?

  2. 2
    colnago80

    Link doesn’t work.

  3. 3
    lofgren

    I feel like the devil should be able to do better than seven minutes in the basement behind the dryer with a 1994 Penthouse.

  4. 4
    Brett McCoy

    Prophetess? Once I saw that I realized I didn’t need to read the rest of her “credentials”. Hopefully the normally very left leaning Maryland will keep her out of office.

  5. 5
    daved

    But surely, if they’re all self-pleasuring, we can get the drop on our Satanic enemies?

    They’ll at least have the advantage that the Satanic enemies will be fighting (well, typing, anyway) with just one hand.

  6. 6
    d.c.wilson

    Well, the anti-BJ platform didn’t go over so well in Virginia. I guess we’ll see if the anti-wanking platform can work in Maryland.

  7. 7
    matty1

    I was going to ask how masturbation will silence the church forever but on second thoughts I’d rather not know.

  8. 8
    Christoph Burschka

    New euphemism? “I’ll be in my bunk, silencing the church.”

  9. 9
    busterggi

    Presiding Apostolic Prelate of the Five-fold Church Fellowship

    Presiding Pastor of Kingdom Empowerment Prophetic Worship Center

    At least she isn’t pretentious.

  10. 10
    Tabby Lavalamp

    1 Timothy in the Bible says…

    2:11 Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.
    2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

    3:2 A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach

    Why does she hate Jesus?

  11. 11
    Randomfactor

    But surely, if they’re all self-pleasuring, we can get the drop on our Satanic enemies?

    In hand-to-hand combat.

  12. 12
    Richard Smith

    These actions, by satan, is (sic) an all out declaration of victory, as the church finds itself caught off guard and intertwined in his evil end-time warfare, strategies and systems.

    We can defeat the church, single-handed!

  13. 13
    Sastra

    Very good. I’d give all you wankers an internet, but you already own it.

  14. 14
    alanb

    Hopefully the normally very left leaning Maryland will keep her out of office.

    Maryland is only left leaning along the I-95 corridor. The rest of the state (Western Maryland and Eastern Shore) can be very conservative. However, she has chosen to run in a what appears to be a pretty liberal district. Disclaimer: it has been 30 years since I lived in and was involved in Prince George’s County politics and things may have changed a wee bit since then.

  15. 15
    jnorris

    She claims to be so much, but what is her “eagle of the Apocalypse” number? We know who numbers 1,2, and 3 are. Tell us Ms Fountaine, you can trust us, please.

  16. 16
    Modusoperandi

    She’s the PAR of the FFCF and the PP of the KEPWC? Where does she find the time?

    &nbsp:
    lofgren “I feel like the devil should be able to do better than seven minutes in the basement behind the dryer with a 1994 Penthouse.”
    “No? Would you believe…three minutes in the attic behind some boxes with the gardening section of a 1978 Sears catalog?” ~ Agent 86

  17. 17
    anubisprime

    They just love them titles they bestow on themselves, each other, and their sycophants!

    Kind of self pleasuring I suppose!

  18. 18
    illdoittomorrow

    They left out her most recently acquired title, Grand Poobess of the Benevolent Order of Water Buffaloes.

  19. 19
    tbp1

    “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent” (1 Timothy 2:11-12).

    1 Timothy 2:12 – But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

    1 Corinthians 14:34 – Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but [they are commanded] to be under obedience, as also saith the law.

    Somehow these verses get overlooked a lot by the same people who say that the verses condemning gay people must be taken literally and are eternal. Some of them also divorce and remarry, despite Jesus’s own words on the subject. It’s almost as if they were picking and choosing which parts of the Bible to obey and which not to. But surely that can’t be, can it?

  20. 20
    Kevin Alexander

    I’ve been doing my two fisted best to silence the church for most of my life but, damn, she just keeps talking.

  21. 21
    gorgias

    “Orchestrated,” eh? So there’s an entire demonic orchestra providing dramatic accompaniment whenever someone’s jacking it? Wonder what they play…

  22. 22
    leonardschneider

    So if I’m reading this woman’s gibbering right, yanking one out or rubbing one off (depending on gender) gives strength to Ol’ Pitch, and vice versa. Um, that would mean the world is under the evil control of every thirteen year old boy on the planet.

  23. 23
    jaytheostrich

    So, then all her opponents have to do is quote the parts of the Bible about ‘false prophets’, and she’ll lose by landslide? Is that how it works?

  24. 24
    Ichthyic

    I was going to ask how masturbation will silence the church forever but on second thoughts I’d rather not know.

    something tells me you already have a pretty good idea.

    “Bukaked into silence: Another Church, Destroyed.”

  25. 25
    Ichthyic

    Um, that would mean the world is under the evil control of every thirteen year old boy on the planet.

    uh, actually, that WOULD explain a few things…

  26. 26
    markr1957

    I do remember sometimes calling it bashing the bishop in my misspent youth, but silencing the church was never an intended consequence.

  27. 27
    Robert B.

    “Orchestrated,” eh? So there’s an entire demonic orchestra providing dramatic accompaniment whenever someone’s jacking it? Wonder what they play…

    Where did you think porn music came from?

  28. 28
    dingojack

    Janice Fountaine – what a wanker!
    Dingo

  29. 29
    democommie

    “Presiding Apostolic Prelate of the Five-fold Church Fellowship.

    And I’m an Upright and Erect Member of the Five Finger Church Fellowship!

    ““Orchestrated,” eh? So there’s an entire demonic orchestra providing dramatic accompaniment whenever someone’s jacking it? Wonder what they play…”

    This?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEmJ-VWPDM4

    or, maybe this:

  30. 30
    dingojack

    Demo – how about this?
    Anyone else got suggestions?
    Dingo

  31. 31
    Dave Maier

    Ha, some great comments. Modus, are you really that old, or do you just watch a lot of Nickelodeon?

  32. 32
  33. 33
    Crudely Wrott

    Dear Ms. Fountaine,

    While I do agree with you that slappin’ the ol’ salami is an act of great power that shakes the (very (very (very))) local metaphysical space and that roiling the waters for the little man in the boat is dadburn near the same thing, I got news for you.

    I am most definitely not in charge of all this whakadoo whakadoo. Nope. Sorry, you’re sources have led you astray.

    Who’s really in charge of charging up the ol’ chakras for a solo fling? You’re not gonna like this . . .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    It’s GEORGE CARLIN!!!!!

    Boy howdy, lady; are you screwed . . .

    In all and nonetheless, I remain yours in voyeurism and curiosity,

    Dat Ol’ Debil

    PS — What’s that? . . . Can I touch it?

  34. 34
    Modusoperandi

    Dave Maier “Ha, some great comments. Modus, are you really that old, or do you just watch a lot of Nickelodeon?”
    No. We don’t get cable here in The Billy Carter Memorial Insane Asylum for the Criminally Insane Who Are Also Criminals. We don’t even have a TV. Just a guy who thinks he’s a TV. Worse, the one channel he gets is all staticky when it’s stormy out.

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