Fundie Prophecies for 2014


Fake “psychics” aren’t the only ones who make predictions for every year. The Apostolic Council of Prophetic Elders, made up of people like Cindy Jacobs (who presumably serves out of her bottomless bowl of spaghetti at their meetings), has their predictions — sorry, “prophecies” — for 2014 out. And this gibberish is worse than the bullshit pumped out by the “psychics.”

There is a spiritual significance to both the Hebraic calendar year 5774, which we have entered, and the year 2014, which tie together in quite an interesting way. The Hebraic year 5774 typologically indicates that we will “see the door” or “know the way in which we should go,” while the year 2014—being a fourteen, or two sevens—signifies “the double.” Taken together, one could consider this to be a season of double doors.

Isaiah 45:1-3

“Thus says the Lord to His anointed, To Cyrus, whose right hand I have held – To subdue nations before him, And loose the armor of kings, To open before him the double doors, So that the gates will not be shut.

I will go before you And make the crooked places straight, I will break in pieces the gates of bronze And cut the bars of iron,

I will give you the treasures of darkness And hidden riches of secret places, That you may know that I, the Lord, Am the God of Israel.”

The prophets’ council was encouraged this year to be able to give quite an encouraging word for the coming year. This is not to say that there will not be continued shakings, but there is also an open door for acceleration and the accomplishment of dreams that have seemingly been put on hold or delayed.

Uh, yeah. Okay.

Fourteen—The Number of Double Perfection

While we understand that we are not to be overly mystical, the Bible is a book of numbers, and fourteen is very significant biblical number. Fourteen represents double completion, and is used powerfully in the Bible to iterate this fact. Following are some examples of the significance of fourteen in scripture:

Coincidentally, 14 is also the average IQ of their followers. Now, on to the vague predictions:

The Lord is going to give the United States another opportunity to redeem herself. America has turned away from God and, as prophecies have spoken, has lost a measure of greatness across the face of the earth. However, there is a second chance coming to the nation.

There is a battle for the soul of the nation that will manifest in the election of 2014 but the Lord has some surprises up His sleeve. There will continue to be polarity between liberals and conservatives, but those states who stand for biblical values versus those who don’t will experience an increase in blessing.

However, the pressure in some states, particularly on the coasts, will cause people to cry out to God. A new move of God will break out in upstate New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. The fires of God will also visit Seattle, Washington once again, as God pushes the reset button on this city that is the birthplace of the Charismatic Movement.

There you have it, a “prophecy” that could mean absolutely anything and can never be wrong.

The seeds of a new political party that will align with both righteousness and justice are sprouting in the nation. There is a shift in political landscapes that will result in new alignments, and these alignments will surprise and even shock people. The United States is at a place where there will be a new “party of Lincoln,” with revolutionary reformers arising. It will have a heart for social justice – fighting human trafficking, poverty, racism and abortion; and it will marry this with biblical values. One of its attributes will be a fiscal plan that, when put in place, will eliminate the national debt. Again, it should be noted that this is not going to happen within a one year period of time and will require much intercession.

Those who have purified themselves and have been faithful are about to be released at a national level. This is the season for Esthers, Daniels and Josephs to arise and influence key positions in government. It is a key time for women in government who must arise and answer the call to engage.

Native Americans are going to come to a new, visible place of government.

A righteousness movement is going to arise out of the African American community in the United States and it will start something new that will greatly impact both communities and the nation. This will be, in essence, a new civil rights movement that will bring the nation back to purity and holiness, without compromising the stand for justice.

Miracles Linked to the Ending of Abortion

The ending of abortion for the United States will be one spiritual factor in opening up a new move of miracles. After 1973, and the legalization of abortion, the United States came under a curse that will begin lifting with the ending of 2013. This is the year for the re-birth of the signs and wonders movement and the birthing of the saints’ movement for evangelism and miracles.

You know what that means: More spaghetti for everyone!

There is going to be a fresh move of God to pray for governments across the face of the earth.

Wait, God is going to pray for governments? Who is he going to pray to?

Satan has brought great attacks against the Body of Christ to “rob” us and cause us to believe that God does not hear and that there are certain things that are “just life.” This robbing spirit wants to get us to accept second best instead of God’s highest for our lives.

There is a special anointing in this year of the double to command that Satan pay back what he has robbed from us. Flu Season We feel that Satan is going to try and release a new strain of flu to break out, that is quite virulent – and we must both pray and guard against its effects.

Remember, they actually believe this shit.

Comments

  1. matty1 says

    So to summarise there will be fires in Seattle, someone is going to start a Christian Socialist party in the US, which will shock everyone so it’s probably a Christian Socialist Nudist party, abortion will magically disappear and Satan is taking up biological warfare. Did I miss anything?

  2. Trebuchet says

    Wait, Seattle is the birthplace of the charismatic movement? Is there a source for that? I’m curious. Off to Rational Wiki!

  3. John Pieret says

    there will be a new “party of Lincoln,” … fighting human trafficking, poverty, racism and abortion; and it will marry this with biblical values

    I suspect any campaign by these people to end poverty will consist of loudly telling poor people to “Get a job.” But I can get behind a fundie third party … It would pretty much guarantee a Democratic president and congress.

    Satan is going to try and release a new strain of flu to break out, that is quite virulent – and we must both pray and guard against its effects

    Pray all you want but how about no further cuts to the funding of the CDC?

  4. says

    The fires of God will also visit Seattle, Washington once again

    I wonder if they meant the bonfire that fans lighted in frat row or the fireworks from the Space Needle. Yeah… Seattle’s REALLY being punished right now.

  5. ragingapathy says

    “While we understand that we are not to be overly mystical, the Bible is a book of numbers, and fourteen is very significant biblical number. Fourteen represents double completion, and is used powerfully in the Bible to iterate this fact. ”

    So… 1914 – double completion of what? Assassinations and New Wars?

  6. Michael Heath says

    Cindy Jacobs writes:

    . . .cause us to believe that God does not hear and that there are certain things that are “just life.”

    Otherwise known as rational thinking, and that’s a generous interpretation.

    Ms. Jacobs: Non-believers don’t think your “God does not hear”; instead they observe no evidence or sane reason to conclude your god exists. Jacobs is just one more believer who can’t confront the fact that non-believers actually demonstrate non-belief. I attribute it to cowardice.

  7. Trebuchet says

    Re my post number 2: RW let me down but I found this, from this site:

    Most historians date the beginning of the charismatic movement as April 3, 1960. On this day, “Father” Dennis Bennett of St. Mark’s Episcopal parish in Van Nuys, California, announced to his congregation that he had received the fullness and power of the Holy Spirit, and how this accompanied “speaking in unknown tongues.” After receiving much opposition, Bennett resigned from his position at St. Mark’s and accepted an invitation to become vicar of St. Luke’s Episcopal Church in Seattle, Washington, which grew to be one of the strongest charismatic churches in the Northwest. For a decade, it was one of the major centers from which speaking in tongues would spread worldwide, especially in the mainline denominations.

    So I guess there’s something to it. But I like Montanto’s idea better!

  8. cottonnero says

    That’s the first time I’ve heard of marijuana being referred to as “the fires of God”.

  9. DaveL says

    Fourteen represents double completion

    So by extension, seven represents completion, 21 triple-completion, 28 quadruple-completion, etc.

    So about 250 “completion years” have occurred since the year traditionally maintained for Jesus’ death ca. 33 CE. You’d think that would be a large enough sample size from which to judge the historical impact of those years.

  10. busterggi says

    Wait a second – these ‘Christians’ are using numerology to predict the future?

    Whatever happened to ‘thou shalt not suffer a witch to live’?

  11. keithb says

    “Native Americans are going to come to a new, visible place of government.”

    This is gibberish, of course, but the current administration has treated the First Nations really well, at least here in New Mexico, giving them much more autonomy.

  12. sharonb says

    New Christo-fascist Tea Party to the poor:
    “Get a job, and if you will not get one, neither will you eat (we are ending your SNAP). Your children can get a job, too, or neither shall they eat!”
    “In the name of our blessed and most merciful lord and saviour, amen.”

  13. Dexeron says

    “Fourteen—The Number of Double Perfection”

    OK, I read those last two words as something VERY different for a sec there.

  14. says

    My thought on reading the eliminating the national debt thing is that it will somehow involve lots of people dying. After all if the American population decreased by say a third that would mean far less would need to be spent on all sorts of things, and those savings could help eliminate the debt.

  15. caseloweraz says

    Fourteen—The Number of Double Perfection

    Sorry, that is incorrect. 64 is the number of double perfection — if you’re using a 32-bit operating system, which most everybody is these days.

  16. caseloweraz says

    The Hebraic year 5774 typologically indicates that we will “see the door” or “know the way in which we should go…

    I’d be happy to hear that they’ve been shown the door.

  17. freehand says

    busterggi: Wait a second – these ‘Christians’ are using numerology to predict the future?

    Whatever happened to ‘thou shalt not suffer a witch to live’?

    No, no, no. Witches perform magic, men and women of God perform (or persuade God to perform) miracles.

    Homeopaths do wholistic medicine, MDs and scientists do science, astrologers (the ‘three wise men’) do horoscopes, God and saints do miracles, witches do magic (white and black), martial artists have chi, hackers do computers, and fakirs do yoga.

    These are all competing systems or obscure knowledge. Wise are the people who study them, but jealous are they of competing Paths of Power. They all work, sometimes – just read any mainstream newspaper or the History or Discovery channels.

    All of these people are wizards to the average person. They are all feared a little, and most respected, a little, although some people show a fierce loyalty to one of these over the others. Southern Baptists, for example, hold Wiccans in contempt, but not because Earth magic doesn’t work. They hate witches and their kind because they aren’t getting their power through Jesus. You know, like scientists.

  18. tfkreference says

    cottonnero:

    That’s the first time I’ve heard of marijuana being referred to as “the fires of God”.

    You need to find a better dealer.

  19. Sastra says

    Remember, they actually believe this shit.

    Yes. And realize that many mainstream, liberal denominations consider atheists and atheism to be just as looney.

  20. martinc says

    Speaking of predictions, has anyone heard back from Third Eagle Of The Apocalypse about the disconcerting failure of the Superbowl to disappear in a cataclysmic nuclear attack, as he had confidently foretold?

  21. Freodin says

    It should be obvious that this valiant prophet of god has, certainly with with great perils to his person, prevented that horrid act by exposing the truth to the world. This is how it works!

    At least as an explanation. Works every time!

    ;)

  22. Stacy says

    @freehand #18

    Wise are the people who study them, but jealous are they of competing Paths of Power.

    Hey, you just channeled Tolkien there. WITCH!!

  23. matty1 says

    @21 The Co Prophet of the End Times has a video up here for 2014 but it’s 15 minutes and 33 seconds so I don’t have the patience to watch the whole thing. I am intrigued that he appears to be broadcasting outside in the snow without a coat or hat but otherwise it just gets a bit repetitive with a lot of reading out bits of Bible slowly and stopping to explain what he thinks each word really means.

  24. matty1 says

    Oh and the most important part of his website is hidden at the bottom of the contact page

    “Please note that we are not a registered charity and we do not issue receipts for taxation purposes and donations are non-refundable

  25. says

    “Fake “Psychics””

    As opposed to real ones? Typical of the religious, though, is that many believe in psychics(as long as they got some JESUS veneer ontoppa teh bullshit) but not psychiatry, psychology or other genuine medical sciency things.

    “Wait a second – these ‘Christians’ are using numerology to predict the future?”

    No, silly; they’re using SACRED numbers. And the cath-o-licks started it all with their TRIUNE GOD.

    “3-in-1″ it’s not just a household oil, it’s snake oil, too!”.

  26. dogmeat says

    But I can get behind a fundie third party … It would pretty much guarantee a Democratic president and congress.

    John,

    I don’t foresee this development making things substantially better than they currently are. If the TP/Fundie branch of the Republicans were to leave the party officially, yes, the Democrats would almost certainly win the presidency, but if the Fundie-T-Party caucused with the Republicans in Congress, not much would change. Now, if they actively campaigned against Republicans in the general election (rather than the primaries as we see today) that would result in a significant difference in the composition of Congress. But if they continue to run against Republicans in primaries, again, we’d end up with a more obvious breech in the party than we currently have, but not much substance to the change.

    The other thing to consider is, if there were such a breech, the Democrats would be more likely to move to more Republican friendly positions on business and foreign policy issues (not a huge shift as it is), to gain some of those more moderate Republicans and help the party into oblivion. In that case, it is highly likely that the Democrats would become the new Republicans with a cluster of fundies on the right and an increasingly disgruntled liberal wing on the left that might move off in the other direction. We could end up with a large, center to center-right party with two fringe parties and no real choice in most elections.

  27. leskimopie says

    “It will have a heart for social justice – fighting human trafficking, poverty, racism and abortion; and it will marry this with biblical values.

    Shouldn’t that be “It will have a heart for fighting social justice and abortion; and it will marry this with biblical values – human trafficking, poverty and racism”

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