Klingenschmitt Doesn’t Like Legal Pot Because…Demons! »« The Worldnetdaily Cares About Obama Marriage

The Dumbest ‘Pass This On’ Story Yet

I’ve reprinted a few of those inspirational stories that a certain subset of the fundamentalist Christian community just eats up with a spoon, but this one may be the dumbest one of them all. It’s just staggeringly stupid and is making the rounds on Facebook lately, along with a photo of a soldier crying (which one commenter identified as someone he knows who was crying over the death of a soldier under his command). I’m leaving this with its current incomprehensible grammar.

A young man working in the army was constantly humiliated because he believed in God. One day the captain
wanted to humiliate him before the troops. He called the young man and said: – Young man come here, take the key and go and park the Jeep in front. the young man replied: – I cannot drive! The captain said: – Well then ask for assistance of your God! Show us that He exist!

The young man takes the key and walked to the vehicle and begins to pray…… …He parks the jeep at the place PERFECTLY
well as the captain wanted. The young man came out of the jeep and saw them all crying. They all said together: – We want to serve your God! The young soldier was astonished, and asked what was going on? The CAPTAIN crying opened the hood of the jeep by showing the young man that the car had no engine. Then the boy said: See? This is the God I serve, THE GOD OF IMPOSSIBLE, the God who gives life to what does not exist. You may think there are things still
impossible BUT WITH GOD EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

To the person reading this, I pray the Lord work A SUPER MIRACLE in your life today that would look like a lie In Jesus Name I Pray.. Write ‘Amen’ to claim this prayer

My friend Cas Tokarski had the best response ever: “And that soldier…was Albert Einstein.”

Comments

  1. tubi says

    … I pray the Lord work A SUPER MIRACLE in your life today…

    So the Lord’s offering SUPER MIRACLES now? I guess he has to, with all the competition out there. Free market in action!

  2. doublereed says

    Sooooo… do Christians have to go to Autobody shops? Cause I’ll convert if it means I never have to deal with car trouble ever again.

  3. John Pieret says

    Well, if God is working miracles around the Army, there are a lot of amputees he could perform SUPER DUPER MIRACLES on. That would be a lot more impressive than moving engineless “jeeps” (which the Army hasn’t had in decades).

  4. Anthony K says

    We want to serve your God!

    Yeah, ’cause that’s a thing that people who aren’t already Christians say.

  5. sigurd jorsalfar says

    And people wonder how Jesus could possibly be an entirely made up character. Here’s how.

  6. bushrat says

    Tired of ordinary miracles? Always being out miracled by someone else’s “God”? Well then my friends you’re in luck! Brand new SUPER MIRACLES are now available at select Christian Stores everywhere. At least 50% more miraclier than your average miracle! Impress your friends, convert Jews, Muslims, Atheists or even some of those ‘other’ Chrisians.

    Super Miracles have a prayer back guarantee. Not available in Hawaii (ie The Devils State).

  7. rabbitscribe says

    Oh ye of little faith. I can personally attest that the event happened- the only inaccuracy is a minor detail (it wasn’t a Jeep, it was an old VW Beetle).

  8. says

    You know that story reminds me of an old (very old) thing on the UK version of Candid Camera.

    They found a petrol [gas] station at the bottom of a steep hill, took the engine out of a car and pushed it so that it rolled into the gas [petrol] station and right up to the pumps.

    The attendant came out and filled it up (I said this was old), and when the driver couldn’t start the car he got the attendant to check the engine. Attendant checked under the bonnet [hood] looked perplexed and then went and opened the trunk [boot] and looking even more perplexed stepped back an just stared at the car.

    It was sooo funny, but somehow the attendant didn’t seem to think goddidit.

  9. cswella says

    What a stupid premise for a prank. It’s almost as if they started with the idea of driving a engine-less jeep and hammered out a story around that premise in less than a minute.

  10. Sastra says

    A young man working in the army was constantly humiliated because he believed in God.

    Ok. Stop right there, the Bullshit Meter went off.

  11. says

    The most unbelievable thing in that story isn’t that a car could drive without and engine. It’s that a Christian in the US Army would be enduring constant humiliation and abuse from an atheist Captain and platoon mates rather than the other way around.

  12. nich says

    I thought he was a Marine who runs over the atheist Captain and yells “HOORAH God sent me!” or some shit.

  13. Taz says

    Modusoperandi –

    And not only did the young man drive the jeep, but he had no arms! Or legs! And he was blind!

    Admittedly, he was a pretty lousy soldier.

  14. says

    Geez, that is a special treat guaranteed to warm the cockles of any super-gullible idiot’s heart. Funny how miracles are a dime a dozen in Internet pass-along messages.

    There’s a special species of this kind of miracle story that is peculiar to Catholics. My more devout family members take completely seriously tales of “miraculous communions” in which the wafer of bread turns into real, genuine, authentic, bleeding flesh! (Yeah, disgusting.) You’d think that by now someone would have worked out Christ’s DNA from one of the super-duper-transubstantiated communion wafers, but apparently not yet. I guess the communicants either swallow the flesh (Jesus tartare!) or it vanishes. I read it on the Internet!

  15. howardhershey says

    The author left out a few details: The “soldier” was a five-year old and the car was driven by pedal power. The Captain was his father pissed that he had left the toy in the driveway. Only way this makes sense.

  16. says

    Sastra @18:

    Yeah, that’s where they lost me. The US military is so dominated by conservative Christians that the first sentence doesn’t pass the bullshit test.

  17. Artor says

    Wow. I thought Ed was exaggerating a bit at first. After all, there are some spectacularly stoopid “Pass this on…” stories going around. But no, I think Ed really has found the dumbest one ever.

  18. pocketnerd says

    A young man working in the army was constantly humiliated because he believed in God…

    … because, as we all know, Christians are a terribly persecuted minority in the U.S. Army.

  19. sigurd jorsalfar says

    Sastra, this didn’t really happen in the US Army. It happened in the Roman Army in 228 CE. Which makes the story more plausible, because Jeeps didn’t have internal combustion engines back then.

  20. Scr... Archivist says

    Funny how the story doesn’t say which army they’re talking about.

    Must be from somewhere with a lot of atheists, and a lot of young adults who don’t know how to drive. That should narrow it down.

    ————-

    And bushrat @12, thank you for that comment. You wrote that better than I could have.

  21. imthegenieicandoanything says

    Your miracle-believing believer is a sad sack of childish shit, whether Xian, Muslim, Wiccan, or pseudo-atheist.

    I have some sympathy, on one very abstract level, but that’s why we have fiction.

  22. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne says

    “And that soldier…was Albert Einstein.”

    And now you know . . . the rest of the story!

  23. Menyambal --- making sambal a food group. says

    This was not written by someone who speaks English well, but a lot of fundamentalists will never notice. People who base their life on understanding a book are so often barely literate.

  24. steve84 says

    Completely unrealistic, because fundamentalist Christianity is the mandatory religion in the US Army.

  25. cfh says

    Did god have to make the engine noises with his own divine mouth? Surely that’s a little bit humiliating for an all powerful being – like a child with a tonka trunk.

  26. david says

    When’s the last time a Captain in the Army addressed an enlisted soldier as “young man”?

  27. bahrfeldt says

    It is bull. Any Real American Christian Patriot member of our Sacred Military can drive since he was twelve.

    And what David @ 36 said.

  28. sqlrob says

    And not only did the young man drive the jeep, but he had no arms! Or legs! And he was blind! Checkmate, Athiesm!

    Bullshit. I heard the real version.

    He didn’t have a head.

  29. Matt G says

    OK, rabbitscribe@13, I know you’re blowing smoke because an old VW Beetle would have rusted away by now. My father kept the passenger side seat of our ’74 Beetle from falling through the floor with a 2×4.

  30. robnyny says

    That’t why I keep inseminating my boyfriend. We hope he will become pregnant. With god all things are possible.

  31. says

    Wait… You know what? I don’t think the story actually specifies *which* god the soldier is talking about. Maybe there will be a follow-up that informs the readers that they’ve been getting all weepy-eyed over the power of Cthulhu!

  32. bcreason says

    Army jeeps never had keys. There is a switch to turn it on and a starter button on the floor. Anyone in the army would know this.

  33. dingojack says

    Hey god – you wanna perform a SUPER MIRACLE? How about world peace*? Anything’s possible with god, right?
    Pass it on.
    @@
    Dingo
    ——–
    * hence no more crappy ‘pass it on’ stories about imaginary soldiers parking imaginary jeeps with the help of imaginary gods

  34. lorn says

    It would be a better story if he drove the jeep without an engine directly over an IED that blows up. Double surprise and material for a Twilight Zone episode.

    Of course, this story didn’t come from the military any time in the last thirty years. The US military doesn’t use the venerable old Jeep any more, and hasn’t for some time.

  35. grumpyoldfart says

    @ richardelguru #14

    I saw that episode of Candid Camera. about fifty years ago. It was brilliant.

  36. Alex says

    Once there was an atheist soldier who was always constantly humiliated by the others because he didn’t believe in god. One day his captain wanted to humiliate him in front of the troups and told him: fly to the top of this house and bring me the eggs from the birds nest. And the soldier said: but I cant fly. And everyone laughed at him and called him a stupid atheist who cant fly. But then the captain commanded him to do it, and he flew to the roof and took the eggs. And wenn he landed again the captains daughter became sick and the soldier was the only one who knew science and he healed her and everyone cried: we dont believe in god anymore! BUT THEN THEY REALIZED THAT THERE WAS NO SOLDIER BY THAT NAME IN THERE UNIT. AND THEN THEY REALIZED THAT THEY WERE MAGPIES BECAUSE THEY COULD ALL FLY. They never touched LSD again as long as they lived. Share this story with 14 friends and save children from drugs, or you get struck by lightning in the next 4 weeks.

  37. anubisprime says

    richardelguru 2 14

    That ‘Candid Camera’ shenanigan was a classic…still is.

    So much more class then the ridiculous just plain embarrassing nonsense dreamt up these days.

    As for this god nonsense…well anyone that laps that little xtian wet dream up as a real example of a god needs a tad more then god in their life !

  38. kevinalexander says

    Sastra, this didn’t really happen in the US Army. It happened in the Roman Army in 228 CE. Which makes the story more plausible, because Jeeps didn’t have internal combustion engines back then.

    So the Centurion ordered the recruit to park the chariot which he did perfectly and everyone converted to Martian because the chariot didn’t have a horse.

  39. Alex says

    I find these “inspirational stories” like the famous one about the atheist professor, perversely delightful somehow, like watching MST3K. Maybe because of their obvious stupidity and offensive strawmanning, but I can’t quite put my finger on it why they are as shit as they are…

  40. carlie says

    And then he looked behind him, and there was only one set of tire marks.

    Well, I had a joke about Christians in foxholes all formed, but I see there’s no point now. That’s a winner.

  41. anubisprime says

    Alex @52

    “I can’t quite put my finger on it why they are as shit as they are…”

    Maybe because they try and carve a crap looking rose out of bullshit, it ends up stinking worse then batshit, but they are proud of it all the same. and so happy with it that they thrust in under the nose of anyone unlucky enough to be passing by!..

    Like kiddies in kindergarten that just learned how to use a toilet. everyone must look at their deposit and praise them apparently.

    I feel more sorry for the brain dead saps that are so naive that they consider the nonsense as apocryphal and evidence of a delusion via a spurious ‘chick tract’ trash claim made by another cretin.

    Actually, that is a lie…I do not feel sorry for them at all!

  42. jnorris says

    I can not believe an American at any level of fundyism would pass this story off to anyone else except as a joke. Americans would know that one does not work in the army, one serves in the Army. And when was the last time the US Army even had jeeps?

  43. lancifer says

    Modus,

    “…he had no arms! Or legs!”

    Was his name Matt? His twin brother Bob is a rescue swimmer in the Coast Guard.

  44. freehand says

    dingojack” Hey god – you wanna perform a SUPER MIRACLE? How about world peace*? Anything’s possible with god, right?
    Pass it on.

    In 1965* I went with the church youth group to watch the movie The Sound of Music. I was wearing a military jacket with a peace sign patch sewn on. At one point the youth group director came up to me and said “You’re wearing a peace sign, which mean you think the war** can be stopped. That means you think all wars can be stopped. But the bible says there will be war until the end of time, so that means you’re going against the bible!”

    WTF?! I immediately thought that this “line of reasoning” suggests that Baptists shouldn’t protest illegal drug use, sexual misconduct (i.e. sexual conduct), dancing, long hair on boys, gambling, cigar smoking, Papism, etc. My second thought was that he had, once again, provided strong evidence that it was all a bunch of hooey.***

    And also, evidence that there are many people who will buy these stupid, stupid, stories.

    *I was an atheist by then, or perhaps a Zen Buddhist, but was still serving my sentence until I graduated from high school.
    ** Viet Nam
    *** Sure, there are smarter Christians. But as their doctrines approach intelligent discourse they become not only more secular but eventually evaporate altogether.

  45. says

    Looks like that first sentence tripped everyone else’s red flags, too.

    Of course, they probably use a double standard. For them, when they invite strangers to church and get turned down at least once a year with a polite, “No thanks, I’m an atheist,” counts as “constant ridicule.” Meanwhile, COs forcing their soldiers to scrub latrines and dispose of unstable ordinance whenever they choose not to go to the “voluntary” fundie revival is just trying to motivate them spiritually and build unit cohesion.

Leave a Reply