Quantcast

«

»

Jan 08 2014

Pat Robertson’s 2014 Predictions

As he does every year, Pat Robertson went up to his mountaintop retreat and spoke to God, who gave him a long list of predictions for 2014. Of course, two years ago God allegedly told him that Mitt Romney would win the presidency. Hey Pat, were you lying then or was God?

23 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    matty1

    Do you think God could persuade him not to come back down?

  2. 2
    MikeMa

    Of course he was lying. It served his fundraising efforts. Can you imagine the alternatives?

    god: Obama will win.
    pat: People, god says Obama will win. We must treat him (that black muslim) as god’s chosen candidate.

    OR

    god: Obama will win.
    pat: People, we must redouble our efforts to elect Romney and thwart god’s will.

    Neither above scenario fits nicely in any ol’ Pat’s narratives.

  3. 3
    dingojack

    What no activists releasing a money-borne pandemic ,no nuclear strikes on NY, or alien landings in Hyde Park?
    I’m disappointed. God (or rather Peppermint-Patty) you’ve gotta do better. 1/10.
    Dingo

  4. 4
    jnorris

    What I think I said to the staff …

    Doesn’t anyone on the staff write this stuff down? What kind of modern prophet doesn’t have a secretary?

    I liked the prophecy that this year God will answer prayers!

  5. 5
    Abby Normal

    The problem was with Roberson’s interpretation. God told Roberson that a right-leaning authoritarian committed to expanding the American police state and projecting US military might across the globe in service to his big business donors would win. It was an easy mistake to make.

  6. 6
    Artor

    Doesn’t Pat’s Big Book have something to say about false prophets?

  7. 7
    dingojack

    Why didn’t he transform his staff into a serpent.* It seems to have impressed before.
    Dingo
    ——–
    * perhaps he was frightened it would advise eating more fruit.

  8. 8
    Reginald Selkirk

    Hey Pat, were you lying then or was God?

    They both were. This mountain top retreat is like fishing camp.

  9. 9
    matty1

    This mountain top retreat is like fishing camp.

    I want to believe ‘fishing’ is a typo.

  10. 10
    Dr X

    Not God’s fault. He consulted Dean Chambers who assured him that the unskewed polls were right.

  11. 11
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    Some nonsense about God being light and love, a bunch of almost-certain “predictions”, and then some more nonsense about how great Christians are and how the Big Guy will answer their prayers. Stellar stuff, Pat.

  12. 12
    Zeno

    Pat Robertson sure is forgiving. Imagine even giving God the time of day after the Big Guy fooled him into running for president in 1988. That was one hell of a good prank!

  13. 13
    naturalcynic

    So, he’s saying that Obamacare will be a failure because prayer will be so successful?

  14. 14
    Nick Gotts

    The problem was with Roberson’s interpretation. God told Roberson that a right-leaning authoritarian committed to expanding the American police state and projecting US military might across the globe in service to his big business donors would win. It was an easy mistake to make. – Abby Normal@5

    No, I reckon God told him a Christian would win.

  15. 15
    cry4turtles

    Hey, I read the other day some wise, religious council (can’t remember who, Buddhists), predicted elderly people will die in 2014.

    (She falls to the floor), “I’m not worthy!”

  16. 16
    Nick Gotts

    Most of Robertson’s “predictions” were pretty vague, so let’s consider the ones that were reasonably specific:
    1) Credit crisis set off by trouble in the Chinese economy. By no means impossible, but my bet would be no.
    2) Iran developing a nuclear weapon. No, won’t happen. I recall with amusement that the resident genocidal numpty, colnago80, agrees with Robertson here, but in fact goes further, predicting that Iran will actually explode a test device.
    3) Republicans winning control of Congress (i.e. presumably retaining the House and winning a majority in the Senate). Well, gerrymandering makes the first almost certain, while the second is certainly in line with what often happens in a mid-year election, but RealClearPolitics has the parties neck-and-neck in the “generic congressional poll. Could go either way. The prediction that the Republicans won’t get a veto-proof majority is about as safe as any electoral prediction could be.
    4) Obama will lose popularity and spend his time jetting round the world. Vaguer than the others above, and it would be by no means surprising: Obama is approaching his “lame duck” period, and Presidents often try to “leave their mark on history” by focusing on foreign policy in their second term.

  17. 17
    D. C. Sessions

    I liked the prophecy that this year God will answer prayers!

    Of course, “no” is an answer.

  18. 18
    Reginald Selkirk

    matty1 #9: I want to believe ‘fishing’ is a typo.

    I still don’t get that, could you fill in the blanks? Thanks.

  19. 19
    jakc

    I believe it would be “fisting camp” not “fishing camp”

  20. 20
    John Pieret

    … but this year I was up there by myself IN the mountain …

    Ya know, I’ve been thinking ol’ Pat has been taking on a distinct resemblance to Gollum … maybe he found the Gay Aids ring to rule them all!

    I think that the world is going to be in chaos this year,” Robertson said. “We’re not going to have a unified world.

    Wait a minute, I thought a one world government was a bad thing!

  21. 21
    joedelaney

    Deuteronomy 18:20 (NIV)
    “But a prophet who presumes to speak in my name anything I have not commanded, or a prophet who speaks in the name of other gods, is to be put to death.”

  22. 22
    felidae

    One prediction I could rejoice in: That pedantic superannuated grifter Paddy will depart this earth

  23. 23
    thebookofdave

    Of course, two years ago God allegedly told him that Mitt Romney would win the presidency.

    In all fairness to Pat, Romney did drive Obama to a humiliating defeat (spiritually).

    Prophecy confirmed!

Leave a Reply

Switch to our mobile site