To Honor Our Fallen Heroes


Rep. Randy Forbes (R-eally Right Wing) submitted a bill today to build a memorial in Washington, DC to those who bravely lost their lives in the War on Christmas. The memorial, which will be in the shape of a duck, will also include the Tomb of the Unknown Culture Warrior.

The memorial will also feature an interactive exhibit of Bill O’Reilly talking about liberal pinheads attacking Christmas while he is in a shower rubbing himself down with a falafel. Sarah Palin will give a rousing speech at the opening of the memorial in which she will inform us that she knows Santa is real because she can see the North Pole from her house and because her ghost writer killed Rudolph with a shotgun that she bought them for Christmas last year. Also scheduled to appear is Lee Greenwood, who will sing God Bless the USA accompanied by a group of homeschooled children playing specially made duck calls painted like American flags.

The bill is co-sponsored by the entire Republican Caucus in the house with the exception of Justin Amash of Michigan, who says that the federal government has no authority to build war memorials. Immediately after the opening ceremony for the memorial, the GOP’s plan is to shut down the government and then blame the Obama administration for not keeping it open to honor the bus loads of War on Christmas veterans who will flood the nation’s capitol.

The Pentagon is warning Americans that the War on Christmas is not over yet and that we must remain vigilant to the grave dangers to the country. They are requesting an additional $250 billion a year in the defense budget, in addition to the cost of invading a yet-to-be-named country full of dark-skinned people because their failure to celebrate Christmas is a clear threat to American sovereignty.

Comments

  1. John Pieret says

    It’s no use, Ed. No matter how looney-tunes it is made to sound, the wingnuts will outdo it, sooner rather than later.

  2. lorn says

    So many politicians on the right have become such caricatures that they are often impossible to parody. I got through most of the piece fairly convinced that this was a legitimate press release. It isn’t as if they haven’t made even more outrageous and outlandish claims and proposals. It is pretty common to listen to one of their press releases and assume it is parody or a failed attempt at comedy.

  3. shouldbeworking says

    Given the poor knowledge of geography and history of Fakes News and the Teabaggers, that country could be Canada. To be fair, most of are wearing hoods, scarves and other hearwear that could make us look suspicious. And a lot of my holiday cards did say “Joyeux Noël”.

  4. says

    Off topic, but the clip d.c. linked to comes from a series of ads for Wiser’s Whisky running in Canada. The ads features various male-female couples in scenarios where the male finds some sneaky way of upsetting her plans, like touching paintings in an art museum so they get kicked out. The ads end with those guys clapping, and the voiceover welcoming the man into the Society of Uncompromising Men. Personally I think of them as the Society of Passive-aggressive Douchebags.

  5. says

    It’s quite amazing quickly how this Duck Dynasty nonsense has become an obsession. The Christian Post website has twenty separate Duck Dynasty related stories summarized or linked on its home page alone.

  6. thebookofdave says

    …and because her ghost writer killed Rudolph with a shotgun that she bought them for Christmas last year.

    Heh. You really had me going until this part. If you don’t see Obama’s influence in Rudolph’s murder, you’re fooling yourself. Wake up, sheeple!

  7. Jeremy Shaffer says

    You forgot the interactive “Decider” booth where your choices are make a preemptive strike in the “War on Christmas” by invading the North Pole or let the terrorists win.

  8. dingojack says

    “… in addition to the cost of invading a yet-to-be-named country full of dark-skinned people because their failure to celebrate Christmas is a clear threat to American sovereignty. ”

    CAR or South Sudan? (Now that Syria is in the ‘too hard’ basket).

    Don’t you just love this season of peace and goodwill?

    :( Dingo

  9. Wylann says

    The whole duck dynasty thing was a bad publicity stunt from the beginning, I bet. A&E cashing in and proving there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

  10. says

    “The whole duck dynasty thing was a bad publicity stunt from the beginning,”

    Well, Phil Robertson is back on the show, so A&E loves money and Jesus hate fags and black people, but he loves virginers.

    Good grief. I can’t believe these people inhabit my country.

  11. says

    And I don’t think it’s been mentioned here, but Sullivan mounted a defense of Phil or actually a defense of keeping Phil on the show, but I bet it’s really about the beard for Sullivan.

  12. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    @12.

    CAR or South Sudan? (Now that Syria is in the ‘too hard’ basket).

    Ya think Obama is going to do anything other than stand by and watch people in the Central African Republic or South Sudan just go ahead and kill each other (more) as each side in those conflicts like teh Syrian civil War keeps on killing?

    I don’t think so.

    Syrians. South Sudanese, Central African Republicans.
    Memo to y’all;
    STOP FLIPPIN” KILLING EACH OTHER!!
    Whatever your ideas and ideology and politics,
    Just STOP IT,
    Coz sure as flip nobody else is gunna.

    Or , hell, keep killin'; each other but know
    That the US of A ain’t steppin in.
    Europe is flippin’ useless.
    The UN is pathetic worse’n’useless unfunny joke (Hello, Rwanda, Ex-Yugoslavia!)
    Oz and Ennzed and Canada, pah, don’ make me laugh.
    We’ll do nothin’ less asked how high to jump.

    So, CAR, Syria, South Sudan, rest of flippin’ world’
    Do as you please, choose for yourselves.
    But don’ expect us tostep inand save you
    From yourselves.
    Not this time.

    Its flippin’ horrible but true.

    Like it or not. Deny it or acknowledge it. Y’all really know its true.

  13. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    Oh & #12. dingojack :

    * What* would you have the USA (& us) do?

    And would you stop for half a millisecond ‘s pause to blame ‘em most ferociously if they did do anything, even if it was what you originally called for, if (when) it went bad?

  14. neonsequitur says

    I heard that a Federal Judge declared the NSA effort to collect data on American children’s e-mail’s to Santa was not only constitutional, but absolutely vital in stopping the war on Christmas.

  15. dingojack says

    Stevo –

    “With her tiny brain one tenth that of a man
    [Which gives you some idea]
    She came up with her brilliant peace plan
    All people had to do was give up war
    Why hadn’t someone thought of it before?”
    @@

    OBTW ten points for total reading incomprehension. Kudos.

    Dingo

  16. Michael Heath says

    Dr. X writes:

    [Andrew] Sullivan mounted a defense of Phil or actually a defense of keeping Phil on the show, but I bet it’s really about the beard for Sullivan.

    Well first, Andrew Sullivan ripped Phil Robertson’s rhetoric, and the underlying Christian fundamentalism that creates bigots like Phil Robertson and bigoted arguments like the one Robertson made.

    Mr. Sullivan didn’t so much as argue A&E should have kept him on, but instead was “befuddled” by the “suspension”, i.e., that Robertson was merely acting out as the very character they hired for their show.

    Here’s the Sullivan blog post I’m referencing for both points: http://dish.andrewsullivan.com/2013/12/19/ae-cannot-bear-very-much-reality/

    There’s a lot of wrong premises in the above thread regarding A&E’s actions. First, while A&E “suspended” Phil Robertson, they already had already filmed all the upcoming season’s episodes. They’ve now lifted that suspension, where no shows were filmed during Robertson’s suspension. So in effect, there was never any authentic suspension, since there’s no plans for any shows to be filmed without Mr. Robertson due to this brouhaha.

    BTW, I too am one of those Dispatch readers who’ve also never seen Duck Dynasty. I’m became aware of the show prior to the GQ interview given how Huffington Post relentlessly linked to articles about them on their front page, even before the now infamous GQ interview.

  17. John Pieret says

    See … I told you, Ed! Less than 24 hours after this attempt to parody them, the wingers came up with Chris Sevier and his lawsuit against Obama (oh, and A&E too) for suspending the Duck Dude (which Sevier is now attempting to consolidate with his suit against Apple for turning him into a porn addict).

    The wingnuts are immune to parody because no sane person can think up anything crazier than what they are about to do next.

  18. jnorris says

    I want to take this opportunity to thank all my loyal customers, no friends, for their patronage at my Funnel Cakes and Ammo tent during the 2013 War on Christmas. I hope to see everyone next year on All Hallows Eve for the 2014 kick-off festival.

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