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Dec 22 2013

Dan Savage Reads Sarah Palin’s Book

Dan Savage bought Sarah Palin’s book weeks ago but lacked the gumption to actually read it until just a few days ago, when he decided to live blog his progress in between baking batches of cookies. The results are predictably hilarious. This passage made me laugh out loud:

Here’s a picture of Sarah Palin’s grandson—who for a time was the most famous fetus on the planet (2008, Republican National Convention)—and a quote:

“‘All this for me? And I wasn’t even very good!’

—My grandson, Tripp Easton Mitchell [Johnston], upon seeing the presents beneath the Christmas tree, 2012″

All this for me—and I wasn’t even that good. Translate that into Latin and it could be on the Palin family’s coat of arms.

*snort* And this:

Page 5: Here I learn something I didn’t know and, if I were Sarah Palin, something I wouldn’t want anyone to know. But Sarah hustles this fact to the front of the book because she sure as hell wants us to know it: Sarah surprised Todd with a “nice, needed, powerful gun” for Christmas in 2012. It was a “small act of civil disobedience,” Palin writes, prompted by “the anti-gun chatter coming from Washington.”

What was inspiring that anti-gun chatter in Washington in December of 2012? Oh, right: Twenty children and six teachers were shot dead in their classrooms by a deranged asshole with a “powerful gun.” And before the grieving mothers and fathers of Newtown, Connecticut, could put their dead children in the ground, Sarah Palin ran out gun shopping. Buying Todd a gun in the wake of the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary was “fun,” Palin writes—and, again, an act of “civil disobedience.” Because gun nuts are a persecuted minority.

This paragraph about gun shopping in December of 2012—one first grader at Sandy Hook was shot 11 times—ends with Palin bragging about her tits. I’m not kidding.

Okay, I have to put the book down. I’m five pages into Good Tidings and Great Joy and… Jesus Fucking Christ… I have got to put down this toxic little shitstain of a book. I’m going to go wash my eyes out with hydrogen peroxide. Be right back.

And he nails it here:

So…

I’m still deep in the weeds of the introduction, which is mostly about the special awesomeness that is a Palin Family Christmas: cinnamon buns in the oven, grandchildren playing in the snow, powerful guns and high-capacity ammo clips under the tree. But the Palin family’s Christmas is in danger. Storm clouds are gathering. Sarah fears her family won’t be able to “joyfully and openly celebrate” Christmas with fresh-baked cinnamon rolls and guns powerful enough to murder 20 first graders in five minutes. Years of “relentless attacks” on Christmas—people saying “happy holidays” instead of “merry Christmas,” the ACLU insisting that the First Amendment (“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion”) applies just like the Second Amendment—are threatening to “drain the joy from our public spaces as well as from our minds and hearts.”

What a fucking drama queen.

There are lots of Americans out there whose religious holidays aren’t also national holidays. The country doesn’t shut down—and public spaces aren’t turned into temples—on Yom Kippur or Diwali or Naw-Ruz. Now, either Jews, Hindus, and Zoroastrians are made of stronger stuff than Sarah Palin… or Sarah Palin is a shit-talking pimp who makes money playing to the carefully cultivated persecution complexes of conservative Christian rubes who wouldn’t know what religious persecution was if it sat on their faces and shit in their mouths. (Maybe that’s not an either/or.)

And if I may: Gay people have been persecuted for years, for centuries, for motherfucking millennia. Really persecuted, primarily by people of faith. And our persecution didn’t take the form of straight people wishing us well but failing to use precisely the right phrase.

The entire thing is a must-read.

43 comments

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  1. 1
    democommie

    “Dan Savage Reads Sarah Palin’s Book”

    Which is more than Ms. Wassillabilly could do.

    Ed:

    You know that you’re dealing with quote miners from the KKKristian ReiKKKwing.

    Sentences like this:

    “The entire thing is a must-read.”

    are the only one that will go in this Amazon Five Star rating:

    “I read Ms. Sarah’s book and after reading it I went over to that commie Brayton’s blog, expecting him to savage the hard work she had done* but, much to my surprise, Brayton said:

    ‘The entire thing is a must-read.’.

    Even a stopped clock is right three or four times a day!!”

    * “had done”, in the sense of, “Yes, I had that done; it cost a fortune but it was worth it!”.

  2. 2
    regexp

    This is the type of thing that Dan Savage should stick too. He comes across as an uneducated arrogant prick in news interviews and Bill Maher. Everytime he gets in front of the camera I know I’ll cringe once or twice. And with the exception of the Gets Better campaign – his stunts have come off as mean spirited and did everyone more harm than good.

    Just stick to writing.

  3. 3
    Michael Heath

    Dan Savage reports:

    Sarah surprised Todd with a “nice, needed, powerful gun” for Christmas in 2012. It was a “small act of civil disobedience,” . . .

    Sarah Palin’s purchase of a gun as a, “small act of civil disobedience” is analogous to the infringement of her speech rights that she claims occurs when she’s criticized for making dishonest, bigoted, divisive, anti-American statements.

  4. 4
    dingojack

    Dan – your wish …..
    “Haec omnia ad me; mihi quoque non in bonum.” (or somesuch)
    You’re welcome.
    Dingo

  5. 5
    Michael Heath

    regexp writes:

    This is the type of thing that Dan Savage should stick too. He comes across as an uneducated arrogant prick in news interviews and Bill Maher. Everytime he gets in front of the camera I know I’ll cringe once or twice. And with the exception of the Gets Better campaign – his stunts have come off as mean spirited and did everyone more harm than good.

    Just stick to writing.

    From my perspective Dan Savage is the one of the most effective civil rights advocates in the history of this country, even when considering all civil rights movements. He plays to win, he doesn’t resort to violence, and he’s winning – big-time.

    Mr. Savage speaks for those who have suffered, providing a modestly seasoned dose of toxic rhetoric relative to the ocean-size sewage and violence that’s been dumped on gay people and their families for so long.

    So I categorically reject your criticism here. Providing an anecdotal rebuttal will not do, you’ll need to show your perspective is representative of the net impact Mr. Savage has had in category of venues you reference. Good luck with that.

  6. 6
    Modusoperandi

    It’s got my blurb on the back cover:

    Modusoperandi: “It’s the most…book I read all year.”

    If that isn’t something, I don’t know what is.

  7. 7
    Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    For the Latin, I’d have suggested “Num haec mihi omnia, qui non fuerim adeo bonus?”

    Dingo, I’m afraid I don’t understand the syntax of your second clause.

  8. 8
    dingojack

    I’m like Shakespeare; I know a little Latin and less Greek.
    ;) Dingo

  9. 9
    Moggie

    So, we can add civil disobedience to the long list of concepts Sarah Palin doesn’t understand.

  10. 10
    dougtaron

    >Dingo, I’m afraid I don’t understand the syntax of your second clause.

    Which makes it perfect for Ms. Palin.

  11. 11
    dingojack

    dougtaron – :D
    Dingo

  12. 12
    savagemutt

    Actually, the Palin motto should end with an ellipsis mid-sentence because you quit halfway through.

  13. 13
    caseloweraz

    I’d like to see that Palin family coat of arms (assuming they have one.)

    And if they don’t, I might just have to invent one.

  14. 14
    dysomniak "They are unanimous in their hate for me, and I welcome their hatred!"

    Clearly not a book to be cast aside lightly.

  15. 15
    felidae

    Celebrate the birth of the Prince Of Peace by giving the gift of a firearm–what a heart warming gesture I’m sure the Baby Jeebus would approve

  16. 16
    caseloweraz

    Dysomniak: Clearly not a book to be cast aside lightly.

    Indeed; it should be cast aside with all the force one can muster.

  17. 17
    jonathangray

    Isn’t there a famous science fiction short story set in an post-nuclear apocalypse world where a fanatically puritanical township persecutes mutants and expels them into the radioactive wastelands or burns them at the stake or something and the twist in the tale is that the muto in the story is actually a perfectly normal pretty girl and the angry mob of torch-wielding norms are all hideous mutations with five heads?

  18. 18
    Michael Heath

    dysomniak, darwinian socialist writes:

    Clearly not a book to be cast aside lightly.

    Heh; wish I’d thought of that one.

  19. 19
    matty1

    Surely the Palin coat of arms features a bullshit rampant without supporters.

  20. 20
    Dr X

    drain the joy from our public spaces as well as from our minds and hearts.”

    Last I checked, a poll showed that nearly 60% of the minds and hearts of Alaska view Ms. Palin unfavorably. One could argue that her presence in public spaces is draining the joy from minds and hearts.

  21. 21
    jnorris

    felidae, in light of the Tea Bagger mind set I believe you are not joking.

  22. 22
    Nick Gotts

    Celebrate the birth of the Prince Of Peace by giving the gift of a firearm–what a heart warming gesture I’m sure the Baby Jeebus would approve – felidae

    Indeed, was not He given the gifts of guns, ammo clips and myrrh?

  23. 23
    Nick Gotts

    hideous mutations with five heads? – jonathangray

    When you’re too ignorant to know a word’s meaning, and too arrogant to look it up, using it makes your stupidity obvious.

  24. 24
    gardengnome

    “nice, needed, powerful gun”

    No doubt to add to his collection of “nice, needed, powerful guns”? Just what does he ‘need’ them for? I ‘need’ a new 13mm hammer drill for a whole range of projects but why would anyone ‘need’ such a weapon in an supposedly civilized country? To defend themselves against deadly moose attack?

  25. 25
    Reginald Selkirk

    It was a “small act of civil disobedience,” Palin writes

    I don’t get it. Civil disobedience? Does she think purchasing a gun is illegal?

  26. 26
    Reginald Selkirk

    gardengnome #24: … but why would anyone ‘need’ such a weapon in an supposedly civilized country? To defend themselves against deadly moose attack?

    1) This is Alaska we’re talking about. In addition to moose, it also has grizzly bears and polar bears. My brother is a surveyor in Alaska, and has worked on sites where he was required to take along an armed guard to protect against bears.

    2) A moose attack is nothing to laugh at. Why are moose more dangerous than bears in Alaska?

    3) Since the model and type of gun are not mentioned (and I’m certainly not going to read the book myself), I have no idea whether it could qualify as appropriate, let alone “needed.” The only part I find totally ridiculous is that this could in any way qualify as “civil disobedience.” And of course the insensitivity and tit-bragging.

    4) I hope the quality of Palin’s marriage has improved if she’s OK with more guns laying around the house.

  27. 27
    Area Man

    or Sarah Palin is a shit-talking pimp who makes money playing to the carefully cultivated persecution complexes of conservative Christian rubes who wouldn’t know what religious persecution was if it sat on their faces and shit in their mouths.

    This is just so wrong. The past tense of shit is shat.

  28. 28
    colnago80

    Re Grey @ #17

    It was an episode of the old Twilight Zone TV series.

  29. 29
    jonathangray

    Nick Gotts:

    When you’re too ignorant to know a word’s meaning, and too arrogant to look it up, using it makes your stupidity obvious.

    “That’s so gay. I don’t mean gay like ‘homosexual’, I mean gay like ‘retarded’” – Sarah Silverman

  30. 30
    Moggie

    Nick Gotts:

    Indeed, was not He given the gifts of guns, ammo clips and myrrh?

    That’s absolutely ridiculous. Myrrh isn’t a suitable gun lubricant: it’ll just gum things up and cause jams. A truly wise man would have given Silver Bullet gun oil, which contains 13% pig fat. “The oil is applied to the inside of the barrel of any firearm or weapons system. When fired, BULLETS are coated with SILVER BULLET GUN OIL containing the PIG FAT. The PIG FAT is transferred to anything the BULLETS STRIKE. The coating of OIL CONTAINING PIG FAT effectively DENIES entry to Allah’s Paradise to any Islamo-Fascist terrorist KIA with a bullet coming from a firearm using SILVER BULLET GUN OIL in the barrel.”

  31. 31
    birgerjohansson

    Are we talking about cordite, or old-fashioned black gunpowder for the prince of peace?

    And why did not Palin praise any anti-semite preachers from her church in the book? Is she getting soft?

  32. 32
    rabbitscribe

    “I don’t get it. Civil disobedience? Does she think purchasing a gun is illegal?”

    The Brady Campaign has a point system that rates states on gun friendliness. California is most restrictive, with 84 points. Alaska has zero.

  33. 33
    democommie

    “I’d like to see that Palin family coat of arms (assuming they have one.)”

    Whatever else it might be, you can be sure that the background is Mossy Oak.

    I know little about Dan Savage. If the writing sample in Ed’s OP is representative of his style, all I can say is:

    “FUCKIN-A, DUDE! Bring it to those fucking fuckers and lambast them with ugly language that pales in comparison to the ugliness in their own black and shriveled hearts.

  34. 34
    peterh

    @ #17:

    You’ll find a multifaceted, thoughtful treatment of post-nuclear exchange mutants in A Canticle for Liebowitz by Walter Miller.

  35. 35
    scienceavenger

    @34 A great book, one of the few assignments I got in school that I enjoyed for its own sake.

  36. 36
    caseloweraz

    Reginald Selkirk: I don’t get it. Civil disobedience? Does she think purchasing a gun is illegal?

    Ms. Palin refers to cultural civil disobedience — a reaction to the overwhelming majority of Americans who hold the view that more restrictions on the ability to acquire guns are a good idea.

    (Cue the Beatles song “Happiness is a warm gun”…)

  37. 37
    caseloweraz

    @jonathangray: For the first line you had me thinking of John Wyndham’s Re-birth in which nuclear war has mostly destroyed civilization and turned cities into flattened wastelands one dare not approach even centuries later. The story is set in Canada, where a brutal fundamentalism has taken hold. Every home displays signs enjoining “Watch thou for the mutant!” and similar commands, and any that are found are destroyed. But the mutation that matters is inside: the ability to talk mind-to-mind. The story centers on the struggle to survive some children face when they realize they have this ability.

    It is a very good read, and also notable as the source of some Jefferson Airplane lyrics.

  38. 38
    democommie

    “@34 A great book, one of the few assignments I got in school that I enjoyed for its own sake.”

    What, none of your teachers ever assigned, “The Horse Is Dead”?

    “The story is set in Canada, where a brutal fundamentalism has taken hold. Every home displays signs enjoining “Watch thou for the mutant!”

    That’s not accurate Canadaspeak.

    It should be:

    ““Watch thou for the mutant, eh?; both inside and outside, you hoser!!”

  39. 39
    raven

    You’ll find a multifaceted, thoughtful treatment of post-nuclear exchange mutants in A Canticle for Liebowitz by Walter Miller.

    You’ll find a multifaceted, thoughtful treatment of pre-nuclear exchange mutants by watching Duck Dynasty, Pat Robertson’s 700 club, Trinity Broadcasting Network, or any xian evangelist TV or radio show.

    PS Yeah, A Canticle for Liebowitz was a great book. I read it as a kid and still have a copy. There isn’t a sharp line between great literature and great science fiction. Some books are both.

  40. 40
    jonathangray

    You’ll find a multifaceted, thoughtful treatment of pre-nuclear exchange mutants by watching Duck Dynasty

    Thing is, raven, if civilisation ever did collapse as a result of war/plague/famine/zombie apocalypse, who would be best placed to survive —

    him

  41. 41
    jonathangray

    … or him?

  42. 42
    eoraptor

    Just because somebody mentioned guns for the holidays, I’m re-posting this picture I took a couple of years ago at a big-box bookstore.

    Hmm… how do I post an image.?

  43. 43
    Modusoperandi

    eoraptor “Hmm… how do I post an image.?”
    [a href="web address">name</a]
    Just replace the front and end square brackets with triangle brackets.

    Alternately, hold it up to the monitor. Closer. It's a bit crooked.

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