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Nov 20 2013

Scientology Can Make You a Superhero

The “Church” of Scientology is opening a fabulous new headquarters in Clearwater, Florida and it comes with an added bonus — there’s an entire floor dedicated to the task of helping you develop your superpowers. I’m totally going there to get x-ray vision.

Ten thousand scientologists are expected to descend on Clearwater, Florida this weekend for the grand opening of a ‘cathedral’ which has been under construction for 15 years.

The $145 million Flag Building is a massive seven-story, 377,000-square-foot complex and the tallest building in Clearwater, which is the ‘spiritual headquarters’ of the 59-year-old religion.

The opening of the building on Sunday will mark the first time Scientologists have had a space to receive ‘Super Power’ training – a program developed by the religion’s founder L Ron Hubbard in the 1970s…

But the jewel in the crown of the Flag Building is on the fifth floor, where members can pariticapte in the Super Power program for the first time.

The Super Power program was developed by the religion’s found L Ron Hubbard and described as one of his greatest discoveries.

‘Super Power is a series of spiritual counseling processes designed to give a person back his own viewpoint, increase his perception, exercise his power of choice, and greatly enhance other spiritual abilities,’ church spokesman Ben Shaw said in a statement.

Hubbard went further in his description of the program saying: ‘Super Power is the answer to a sick, a dying and dead society…With it we literally revive the dead.’

As part of that therapy, members will be spun on an anit-gravity simulator blindfolded to improve their ‘perceptics’ – Hubbard’s 57 senses which include sight, smell, taste, blood circulation, and awareness of awareness.

I love that statement from the spokesman. It’s just gibberish.

43 comments

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  1. 1
    Chiroptera

    The opening of the building on Sunday will mark the first time Scientologists have had a space to receive ‘Super Power’ training – a program developed by the religion’s founder L Ron Hubbard in the 1970s…

    Gullibility is not really a superpower.

  2. 2
    Kevin, Youhao Huo Mao

    Awareness of awareness?

    I’m aware that I’m aware of things.

  3. 3
    Gregory in Seattle

    Their “tech” will teach you how to fly, see through walls and live on only a drop of water and the energy of the universe. Alas, gaining these powers requires that you also learn that you must never actually use those powers.

    How convenient.

  4. 4
    Chiroptera

    As part of that therapy, members will be spun on an anit-gravity simulator blindfolded to improve their ‘perceptics’….

    Anti-gravity simulator? Where I work, we call that an “elevator.”

  5. 5
    Michael Heath

    If Tom Cruise is an instructor then I’m in.

  6. 6
    imrryr

    Awareness of awareness is meaningless unless you also develop awareness of awareness of awareness.

  7. 7
    John Pieret

    I’m totally going there to get x-ray vision.

    Me. I want super … [cough] … stamina.

  8. 8
    roggg

    Choice and perception are super powers now? Woot! Time to go fight some crime.

    With mediocre powers comes slack responsibilities?

  9. 9
    daved

    esigned to give a person back his own viewpoint, increase his perception, exercise his power of choice,

    I’m already exercising my power of choice by choosing to avoid Scientology.

  10. 10
    eric

    I’m totally going there to get x-ray vision.

    Teleportation for me! No more traffic. No more TSA. I’ll be the guy commuting in from Bora Bora.

  11. 11
    eric

    Hubbard went further in his description of the program saying: ‘Super Power is the answer to a sick, a dying and dead society…With it we literally revive the dead.’

    Evidently the one super power the Scientology program cannot grant is the ability to correctly use the word “literally.”

  12. 12
    Kevin, Youhao Huo Mao

    @imrryr:

    Yes, but then wouldn’t you also have to develop an awareness of awareness of awareness of awareness?

  13. 13
    Modusoperandi

    Don’t go. You’ll only face disappointment. I went, and $60,000 later, it turned out that my superpower was “balding”.

  14. 14
    Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    @eric #11:

    Unless perhaps he literally meant “revive the dead”. Scientology wouldn’t be the first religion to believed this is possible (see John 11).

  15. 15
    Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    @me #14: edit failure. “… to believe …”

  16. 16
    dugglebogey

    The super power of choice? Is this a choice just for women? Because the GOP does NOT want women to have that super power, only men, especially those republicans who knock up their mistresses.

  17. 17
    Pierce R. Butler

    They said “develop super powers“, not “make you a superhero“.

    Clear(water)ly, this will be a training center for villains.

  18. 18
    sinned34

    I recently finished a Scientology simulator called X-Com: Enemy Unknown. In the game, you struggle against an invasion by the alien forces sent by Xenu, the galactic overlord. Eventually, you discover that certain soldiers in your squad have latent superpowers that allow them to use powerful psychic attacks to crush the invaders.

    I won’t give away the ending, because freewheeling through X-Com will likely cause death by pneumonia.

    But, thanks to a Steam sale, I managed to reach Scientology level OT5 for US$19.99 and about 16 hours of “study.”

  19. 19
    raven

    The claim is that Scientology will make you a MEST, Master of Energy, Space, and Time.

    Which is what a god is. And it is cheap at the price, maybe half a million USD.

    The Mormons promise the same thing but it’s not as good. You have to be male and you have to die first. That dying first part has made it less than popular.

    In terms of promises after death, the xians have heaven, the Mormons have godhood for some, the Scientologists have godhood for the living with money. Any new religion is going to have to up their rewards. About all that is left is uber-god of the Multiverse which employs low level gods like Yahweh to supervise one universe of a near infinite number.

  20. 20
    erichoug

    … a series of spiritual counseling processes designed to give a person back his own viewpoint, increase his perception, exercise his power of choice…

    So…once someone gains Scientology superpowers do they immediately realize what a bunch of BS Scientology is and go back to being lapsed Episcopalians?

  21. 21
    timgueguen

    Ick. Logging in to respond to this has resulted in this post now having an lronhubbard.com ad. It’s full of all sorts of BS about Hubbard’s achievements.

    About the only thing good likely to come from this superpower program is we might see video of Scientologists looking like idiots, just like the footage produced by Transcendental Meditation devotees practicing Yogic Flying.

  22. 22
    Modusoperandi

    timgueguen “About the only thing good likely to come from this superpower program is we might see video of Scientologists looking like idiots, just like the footage produced by Transcendental Meditation devotees practicing Yogic Flying.”
    Wrong. Yogic flying is awesome. What other religion lets you do the equivalent of blow bubbles? What other religion helps you be better at blowing bubbles?

  23. 23
    Sastra

    ‘Super Power is a series of spiritual counseling processes designed to give a person back his own viewpoint, increase his perception, exercise his power of choice, and greatly enhance other spiritual abilities,’ church spokesman Ben Shaw said in a statement.
    I love that statement from the spokesman. It’s just gibberish.

    No it’s not gibberish. That’s the problem. You can take every single one of those benefits of ‘spiritual counseling’ and interpret them in the most banal, ordinary, unremarkable way possible. That way, they can’t lose.

    Getting back your own viewpoint? Well, you know the way you sometimes let a dominant personality assume you agree with them? Next time speak up. Now we’ve started…

    Increase your perception? When you take a familiar route, try noticing the little details you often miss and pay more attention to the sights, sounds, and smell of your environment. Wasn’t that nice? And we’re on a roll…

    Want to exercise your power of choice? Okay. Here’s a menu. Order what you want — not what you think you ought to order. Done. And so we continue …

    Finally, we have it, the big one: greatly enhance your spiritual abilities.

    Well, art is “spiritual,” isn’t it? Let’s hear a lecture on Renaissance palaces, learn the Irish tin whistle, or fool around with some watercolors. There you go. Spiritual abilities enhanced. “Great” is in the eye of the beholder. I’m sure impressed. Great job, kid.

    Okay, yeah — they imply Superpowers. But there’s nothing all that extraordinary or undecipherable about their promises. Like I say … they can’t lose.

  24. 24
    freehand

    Hercules Grytpype-Thynne: @eric #11:

    Unless perhaps he literally meant “revive the dead”. Scientology wouldn’t be the first religion to believed this is possible (see John 11).

    Unfortunately, the revived are instructed that they must continue to act dead.

  25. 25
    Loqi

    No X-ray vision for me. Skeletons everywhere would be too spooky.

    Time travel is where it’s at. You could go back in time and make a fortune on the stock market, then use that money to buy more Scientology superpowers! Better yet, you could learn the secrets of life and death from L. Ron Hubbard himself (before he, you know, died…)! Even better still, you could go back and stop Xenu, which would stop Scientology from ever being necessary. Plus you could be a plot device for the next Warcraft expansion.

  26. 26
    busterggi

    Batman neither has nor needs super powers – clearly he is cooler than Scientologists.

  27. 27
    Doug Little

    and greatly enhance other spiritual abilities

    Like the ability of the Church to continue to separate cash from it’s followers.

  28. 28
    Doug Little

    Even better still, you could go back and stop Xenu

    Good luck with that, Xenu sounds like a right bastard.

    “the dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy” who 75 million years ago brought billions of his people to Earth (then known as “Teegeeack”) in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs.”

    I mean he made them fly on a DC-8, oh the Teegeeackity.

  29. 29
    Artor

    I’m not aware of too many things, but I know what I know, if you know what I mean. D-d-do you?

  30. 30
    John Hinkle

    Natalie Merchant? Edie Brickell?

  31. 31
    daved

    Edie Brickell. And I hate that damn song. The only thing that’s saving me from having it stuck in my head is that I’m listening to Led Zep right now.

  32. 32
    Francisco Bacopa

    Clear(water)ly, this will be a training center for villains.

    According to Glaucon’s telling of the Ring of Gyges story in book 2 of Plato’s Republic, anyone who acquires superpowers will become a supervillain.

  33. 33
    Modusoperandi

    John Hinkle, Artor is what Artor is. You what you are, or what?

  34. 34
    Doug Little

    anyone who acquires superpowers will become a supervillain.

    So does maniacal laughter come with the package or is that extra?

  35. 35
    magistramarla

    Since it’s in Florida, is it wrong to wish for the next hurricane to hit that state to head straight to Clearwater?

  36. 36
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    Doug Little:
    Thats extra.
    Graduating supervillains all gain the power of Monologuing like von Doom.

  37. 37
    cheesynougats

    If it was actually written “Super Power,” it might have nothing to do with superpowers. Power Processing is one of the higher levels before achieving Clear. Super Power appears to be an upgrade of that. Not any less silly, mind.

    Source: Operation Clambake (www.xenu.net)

  38. 38
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    Oh look,the extra senses of Scientology (from Ed’s link):

    The Super Power course was developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and promises to boost a person’s perceptions or senses through a series of mental and physical tasks. Scientologists believe that in addition to the five senses of hearing, sight, touch, taste and smell we have 57 additional abilities known as ‘perceptics’. These include an ability to sense blood circulation, balance, compass direction, temperature, gravity as well as an ‘awareness of importance, unimportance.’ In his writings Hubbard described the course as: ‘A superfantastic, but confidential series of rundowns that can be done on anyone whether Dianetic clear or not that puts the person into fantastic shape unleashing the super power of a thetan. ‘This is the means that puts Scientologists into a new realm of ability enabling them to create the new world. It puts world clearing within reach in the future.

  39. 39
    Loqi

    I got ahold of the Scientology magical power manual. The low level stuff is mostly what you’d expect, magic missile, conjure familiar, that sort of thing. Conspicuously absent, though, is the level 1 divination spell “Detect Scam.”

  40. 40
    caseloweraz

    I think their belief in super powers is due to ingestion of super powders.

  41. 41
    birgerjohansson

    If we arrived at Earth 75 million years ago, Xenu’s contemporaries were small mammals looking a lot like today ‘s insectivores. Xenu was a hedgehog? The raptors and their avian descendants were much cooler!

  42. 42
    thebookofdave

    Old news. Turns out that super abilities are suprisingly common. I can Break Wind (catch phrase: “Pull my finger!”). Maybe I should pay the Flag Center a visit, and demonstrate how quickly I can clear the building.

  43. 43
    freehand

    Doug Little – thunder accompaniment to maniacal laughter is primarily a financial perk. Supervillains just starting out may not have access to it unless they are already rich. See:
    http://www.grrlpowercomic.com/archives/808

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