Quantcast

«

»

Nov 19 2013

Creepy White Guys and Asian Women

It seems like half the atheist activists I know are on OKCupid, including our own Miri Mogilevsky, and the women in particular have sometimes posted some of the appalling messages they get from men on the site. Apparently it would be much worse if they were Asian. Here’s a tumblr full of messages Asian women routinely get from creepy white men. Like this one, which was written in Chinese:

“Chinese women always tell me they like white men the best, why do you think that is? Chinese women tell me, white men are the greatest, they have the most money and the most power, and Chinese women really enjoy bringing happiness to men with money and power, especially for white men! Many Chinese women, when they see that I am a white man, fall in love with me like they are crazy! But, my standards are very high, only the most beautiful, most knowing how to serve a man Chinese women catch my interest. As a white man, I can have any Chinese woman, but miss, I am only interested in you! You should be so happy!”

And when he got no reply he sent this:

“You didn’t reply, why? Could it be that you don’t want a white boyfriend? It can’t be!”

And it can’t be that you’re a raging racist asshole. And then there’s this poor sadsack:

creepywhiteguy1

It’s not fair! It’s not, it’s not, it’s not! (Stamps feet and holds his breath for a really long time)

creepywhiteguy2

Well I don’t know about her, but mine are.

creepywhiteguy3

It’s just so hard to believe that this guy hasn’t found a girlfriend yet. And here’s a whole exchange:

creepywhiteguy4

Yes, clearly she just hates her culture. She can’t possibly hate you for being a racist douchebag. It goes on and on like that. Sometimes I am just left flabbergasted at the behavior of my fellow men.

43 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    doublereed

    From what I’ve heard (purely anecdotal I know), is that the reason Asian women “like white men” is that the sexism in Japan, Korea, and China is way more severe than America, and American men actually tend to treat women with more respect and dignity.

    So I find it kind of ironic when white men say that Asian women are better because they’re more submissive.

  2. 2
    Raging Bee

    If there wasn’t so much of this crap, I’d swear those guys were joking. One or two such comments could be written off as an April-Fool kind of thing; but so many as you hint at? That takes it from “humorous” well into “needs professional help.”

  3. 3
    raven

    What I know about online dating.

    A friend (who has her problems) ran out of datable men in her local area.

    Then she discovered online internet dating. It was great for her. A larger pool of men to date!!!

    Until one of them beat her up pretty severely for no obvious reason. She didn’t die but it took a long time to heal.

  4. 4
    Raging Bee

    So I find it kind of ironic when white men say that Asian women are better because they’re more submissive.

    Ironic — but true, as the other side of the coin you mentioned: Asian women like white men because we’re less patriarchal, and (some) white men like Asian women because they’re more used to patriarchy.

    (And yes, there are American men who look for mail-order-brides and other foreign sources for women because American women are too uppity for them — they prefer women who are less mature, more desperate, and less able to stand on their own in America.)

  5. 5
    Moggie

    “All the girlies say I’m pretty fly for a white guy”

  6. 6
    raven

    This was one of my first encounters with people met on the internet.

    1. Back in the Dark Ages of the net (Netscape, Usenet), I was on a forum. This was back in the days when people often used their real names.

    2. One of the guys was having obvious problems. Then he disappeared suddenly.

    3. A few months later, someone else found a short newspaper article. He had been killed by the police in a shootout during a spectacularly inept daylight robbery.

    This was when I realized that people who seem weird or dangerous on the internet are…weird and dangerous in real life. It’s also when I stopped using my real name and will never do so again.

  7. 7
    Brandon

    My girlfriend’s Taiwanese-American and I’m persistently amazed at the stupid shit that people who should know better say to her. The ol’ standby, “where are you really from” never gets old! The answer’s still California, idiots.

  8. 8
    left0ver1under

    I’ve lived in Asia for over a decade (South Korea, Thailand, Philippines, now Taiwan) and can say from first hand experience it’s no different here than what you’re telling about OK Cupid. Other civilized foreigners who have lived in Asian countries tell me the same things.

    Many males (I wouldn’t say “men” because that denotes maturity) come over expecting to find “Asian honeys”, and are as racist as those who make remarks about people’s looks or eyes. They’re both disgusting, the only difference between the two being one is sexually aroused.

    Do local women in Asian countries want to date foreigners? Yes, and for a variety of reasons, but not for the “reasons” given by the imbecile being quoted. Women in these countries can spot a loser just as easily as women anywhere else. That’s the main thing I’ve learnt from living overseas so long: people are the same everywhere. Only the language and the currencies change.

  9. 9
    Abby Normal

    The message I sent you was “Hello, beautiful princess” in your native language.

    Pttth-t-t plop poot!

    That’s, “get lost creep,” in your native language.

  10. 10
    Moggie

    “I just thought you might want to learn a bit about your culture”

    How the ever-living fuck does someone spend time teaching in Korea and yet remain so goddam oblivious that they think “let me whitesplain your own culture to you” is a good way to make friends? Unbelievable!

  11. 11
    otocump

    Having used OKC in the past, and having dated an Asian woman (and became close friends after ‘dating’ didn’t work out romantically) I have such mixed feelings about the system. I’ve met incredible people and had some very interesting conversations, but on the flip side I saw the ugliness first-hand on her profile from others. It just boggles my mind how terrible people can be. OKC has a lot more ‘class’ then other sites (PoF for example of less class) but still too many guys think it’s a meat market for their insanity. I don’t even know what more to add to this, other then….’yup, still happening…’. I hate it.

  12. 12
    Modusoperandi

    Wait. There are awful people on the internet?

  13. 13
    tommykey

    He’s like Romeo Rose with yellow fever!

  14. 14
    abb3w

    @4, Raging Bee

    Asian women like white men because we’re less patriarchal, and (some) white men like Asian women because they’re more used to patriarchy.

    I strongly suspect that’s the core factor in play here.

    For a lot of things, it seems people’s experiential descriptive norms (what they’re used to seeing) serve to calibrate their prescriptive norms (their baseline threshold for “good”) — in a form of the “anchoring” effect. If as common lore holds, Asian guys tend to be way less unpatriarchal than white guys (say, averaging 2/10 versus 5/10), then even slightly below-average (4/10) white guys could tend to look really desirable by comparison. In turn, below-average guys may have some awareness of this improved tolerance (or merely have an anchored perception that it is so, regardless of truth) and thus think they don’t have to make as much efforts at self-control, or even think signaling such patriarchal dominance will be considered desirable and actively act like asses. Either way, the end result: the sort of display that Ed highlights.

    A secondary factor to that liking may be xenophilia — finding different/exotic appearance attractive. This plausibly would seem likely correlated to “Big 5″ type “openness”; and in turn, there’s at least one study suggesting openness correlates to higher tendency to anchor effect. So, those more likely to be tempted by interracial dating might be more prone to anchoring in such expectations. That’s more speculative, however.

    @0, Ed Brayton

    It seems like half the atheist activists I know are on OKCupid

    I’ll also note, one reason so many atheist activists tend to be on on-line dating sites may be because finding a suitable partner for courtship (speaking broadly and perhaps euphemistically) is something most people (when lacking) want; and one of the major social functions of churches has historically been catalyzing courtship opportunities. Since atheists are effectively foreclosed from this traditional approach, they look around for what secular alternatives there are. At present, on-line dating sites are an obvious low-hanging fruit.

    Anecdotally, there seem to be some people using “Meet-Up” groups the same way.

  15. 15
    Loqi

    Does OKCupid do SSO with XBox Live or something? Seems like there’s a lot of overlap in the clientele…

  16. 16
    escuerd

    Gah! What the fuck? This is painful to read.

    And I just can’t tell what’s wrong with that last one. If you actually knew that Korean were someone’s native language, what the fuck would be the point of telling them in English what it means and that it is in their native language?

    I thought you might want to learn a bit about your culture.

    How very generous of him. Who could resist that offer?

    And then there’s that second guy. Just wow.

    You’re probably just going to reject me like every other Asian girl on this site, and I just don’t get it!

    Way to put your best foot forward, and hardly racist at all!

    I’m a white guy for godsakes, shouldn’t all of you LIKE me?!?

    It’s almost hard to believe that these guys are serious. Almost.

    ALl (sic) day long I see white guys who have Asian girlfriends, except for me, and it’s bullshit, and it sucks!

    I know, right? Why can’t I own one of these desirable, collectible objects? I mean, I checked in the mirror. Yep, still white. Clearly I have the most important desirable characteristic. Why isn’t it working? Asian girls should be fighting their way over each other to get to me, as is my right. Since the issue is clearly not with me, I guess it must be them. Something wrong with the local models, I’ll bet. Corrupted in the head by the notion that they’re people or something. Stupid feminism.

    I even see Asian guys with Asian girls!!!

    Imagine! What an outrage that is!
    Oh, the unfairness of it all! EVEN Asian guys! Because who’d want to date them, amirite?

  17. 17
    Alverant

    Small wonder why I left the dating game.

  18. 18
    eric

    @8:

    Many males (I wouldn’t say “men” because that denotes maturity) come over expecting to find “Asian honeys”,

    IMO you’re seeing a form of self-seleciton bias at work. The group of men who spend thousands of dollars to go to another country to find a girlfriend very likely has a higher-than-normal quotient of assholes in it. I’m not saying everyone who does that has problems, but rather that the guys who have problems are more likely than your ordinary guy to do it.

  19. 19
    aaronbaker

    Blech. I realize not all men are pigs–but so many are pigs that I sometimes despair of any real improvement.

  20. 20
    doublereed

    I’ll also note, one reason so many atheist activists tend to be on on-line dating sites may be because finding a suitable partner for courtship (speaking broadly and perhaps euphemistically) is something most people (when lacking) want; and one of the major social functions of churches has historically been catalyzing courtship opportunities. Since atheists are effectively foreclosed from this traditional approach, they look around for what secular alternatives there are. At present, on-line dating sites are an obvious low-hanging fruit.

    Nah, he didn’t say that atheists are more likely than Christians to be on OkCupid. He was just saying a lot of atheists have turned to OkCupid, which is true of a lot of people in general. And even if they were, it’s probably more of an age thing.

  21. 21
    doublereed

    This post made me curious about Racial Statistics on OkCupid. Interesting stuff.

    When it comes to match %, race is a relatively minor factor (I was actually surprised by this, but that’s pretty cool). But when it comes to message replies, it becomes much more significant.

  22. 22
    neonsequitur

    There are a lot of atheists on OKCupid because it’s an atheist-friendly site that doesn’t turn people away based on their religious views. As opposed to say, E-Harmony, which rejects non-Christians as a matter of (unwritten) policy.

  23. 23
    Raging Bee

    Then there’s Christian Mingle, whose ads seem to be saying that their computers can tell you who God wants you to date. Because a god who speaks through a computer algorithm is more reliable than a god who speaks through an obvious human charlatan or lunatic…

  24. 24
    John Hinkle

    These guys are real assholes. Let’s try flipping it around and see how they like it:

    Woman: I’m a Korean woman who works in a high paying finance job, speaks English, and loves white men! Is your dick hard yet?
    Asshole: Buy me dinner first?
    Woman: Dinner and breakfast!
    Asshole: Shit, what are we waiting for?!?
    Woman: We’re waiting for this to actually happen in reality.
    Asshole: Oh.

  25. 25
    Donnie

    I dated a Japanese women while pursing our graduate degree. She left Japan in order to advance her career. Her bank was paying her tuition and providing a living stipend. Her boyfriend(s) would break up with her because she made more money then they did and their egos could not handle it. Anecdotal, but, as an American it made me laugh / cry / shake my head / wonder of differing cultural attitudes. I thought that type of person did not exist in America and then I was introduce to MRA, MGTOW, and entitled libertarian assholes with a serious Gault complex (i.e, an ad posted on a libertarian dating website where the person was looking for a high powered, career orientated women (like the heroine in Atlas Shrugged) in order to stay home and take care of ‘his’ babies.

    Seriously, is the whole “bread winner” still a thing in American culture? You basically need two incomes to thrive (standard disclaimers apply) though you can survive on one income (standard disclaimers apply). Until recently, I thought the whole concept where the head of the household (typically a man) earning more money than the spouse (typically the women).

    From personal experience, I can see an Asian women may be more attracted to a western man. Obviously per the article standard disclaimers apply. Individual mileage may vary.

  26. 26
    Crimson Clupeidae

    MGTOW?

    To me, that means Max Gross Take Off Weight, but I work in the aircraft industry.

  27. 27
    Moggie

    Oh boy, that site is addictive, in a horrifying way. Here’s another one:

    I admit, my friends and me in webb watch a lot of anime and play games for hours but that gives no one the right to call us nerds or geeks. We are HUMAN like everyone else. My confession is that I wish the group of Asians who sit across from me would talk to me. I love asians so much and every time I see one of them I stop and stare. I really want an Asian girlfriend. Probably Japanese but any would do. I want one of them to notice me. This should not make me weird. Since I am White my chances are higher. I always see girls with white men. I want a Japanese girlfriend like the ones I see in my animes.

    Newsflash for creepy white guy: anime isn’t real. Also, there are three women who’d like a word with you: Major Motoko Kusanagi, Princess Mononoke and Izumi Curtis. They seem… displeased.

  28. 28
    Doug Little

    I think we need to relabel them creepy, lonely white guys.

  29. 29
    cityzenjane

    You can’t say “more attracted to white guys” in these countries without taking into account colonialism, imperialism and fairly desperate economic straights for the majority of women in places like the former Eastern Block, and Asia in general.

    And the white guys in question never do…when assessing their own actual attractiveness…Or they do but, don’t mention it…because it would be…. both unseemly and destructive to their incredibly weak egos.

  30. 30
    Moggie

    cityzenjane:

    And the white guys in question never do…when assessing their own actual attractiveness…

    Speaking of which…

  31. 31
    Sandy Small

    I can’t help hearing that second one in a Tommy Wiseau voice.

  32. 32
    Brandon

    You basically need two incomes to thrive

    This really depends what one considers thriving. For people that aren’t particularly money-motivated, one solid income (I’m not talking giant money, but perhaps ~$50-75K) is more than sufficient. If the girlfriend and I could arrange a circumstance (after she’s out of grad school) where one of us handles the money-making and one of us handles the homekeeping, I’m pretty sure we’d be quite happy about it. I’d be fine with either role, this isn’t a gendered thing that I’m suggesting.

  33. 33
    Area Man

    I even see Asian guys with Asian girls!!!

    Yeah, I can’t stand uniracial relationships either.

  34. 34
    matty1

    There are a lot of atheists on OKCupid because it’s an atheist-friendly site that doesn’t turn people away based on their religious views. As opposed to say, E-Harmony, which rejects non-Christians as a matter of (unwritten) policy.

    Really? I kind of have an eharmony account, minus the paying for or actually using it, and don’t recall them even asking questions that could be used to remove people based on their religious views. Maybe I’m off but I think it would stick in the memory.

    1. What is your ideal first date?
    2. Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour?
    3. What are your interests and hobbies?

  35. 35
    Area Man

    From what I’ve heard (purely anecdotal I know), is that the reason Asian women “like white men” is that the sexism in Japan, Korea, and China is way more severe than America, and American men actually tend to treat women with more respect and dignity.

    I can’t speak of Korea or China, but in Japan, the men are mostly useless. They work hard at their jobs and make money, but they don’t do cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, etc. And on top of that, Japan lacks the DIY culture that America and other western nations have, meaning that they hire people to do the most trivial things, stuff that Americans would normally do for themselves. So the men don’t even do the stereotypical “manly” things like fixing broken appliances or changing flat tires.

    All of which means that it’s easy to look like a hero in the eyes of your Japanese girlfriend. All you have to do is occasionally fix a meal and clean up after yourself.

  36. 36
    Gretchen

    I watched the newest Tropes v. Women last night– it’s the best one yet; you should watch it– and in the discussion of games the the Smurfette Principle (every smurf has a personality– hers is ‘female”), there was a line that went something like “Men have personalities; women have types.”

    You know? “Asian” is a type….to men who think about women as types.

    Redhead is also a “type.” Fiery, hot-tempered, vivacious, all that bullshit.

    I think it’s fair to say that we’d rather not be thought of this way, even if you think it’s cute and flattering, and that you’re only complimenting us and appreciating how “special” we are for conforming to your fetish.

    I don’t think people can control whether or not they have a fetish, but here’s a suggestion for people on OKCupid– DON’T BROADCAST IT, YOU IDIOTS. Or else, I guess, do broadcast it, if it’s that important to you….so you can properly creep out and scare away women before they accidentally have anything to do with you.

  37. 37
    left0ver1under

    eric (#18) –

    IMO you’re seeing a form of self-seleciton bias at work. The group of men who spend thousands of dollars to go to another country to find a girlfriend

    Some may travel to Asia solely for that (e.g. sex tourists, bride hunters), but the ones I’ve met came over to teach English as a Second Language (ESL), which is what I do for a living. They come over with idealized views (read: fantasies) and find reality to be quite different. Very few of them stay more than a year, and some do a “midnight run” before the end of the contract because they can’t handle life here. (In Asia, “midnight run” means heading to the airport and going home without telling the school you quit.)

    The biggest reason such people fail here (jobs, friendships, relationships) is they don’t expect the culture and social norms. It’s their country, so it’s their rules, yet the fantasists think it doesn’t apply to them.

    Forget “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” if you live overseas. That doesn’t apply here or anywhere. You’re much more likely to find the Japanese view in all countries: “The nail that sticks up must be hammered down.” And some people can’t deal with that.

  38. 38
    corporal klinger

    Racists are assholes. Everywhere!

  39. 39
    corporal klinger

    @#19

    Could we just stop insulting pigs, dogs, rats etc.
    No animal does the kind of harm to it’s own as humans do to their fellow humans.

  40. 40
    martinc

    I love that there are guys like this on dating sites. It means I can go on those sites, and just by acting vaguely like a human being, I’m through to the semis without dropping a set.

  41. 41
    Area Man

    I love that there are guys like this on dating sites. It means I can go on those sites, and just by acting vaguely like a human being, I’m through to the semis without dropping a set.

    If only it worked that way. The sad fact is that douchenozzles like these ruin it for the rest of us. Attractive, educated women get bombarded with messages from assholes, many of whom apparently can’t take no for an answer, and the women spend so much time filtering out the sleaze that those of us who respect women and have something to offer get lost in the mix. And it unfairly gives online dating a bad name.

    Which is not to say that you won’t be successful if you’re patient and not a scumbag, but the douche factor is clearly a net negative. For everyone.

  42. 42
    calladus

    My late wife was Korean. We were married for 21 years. I met her because I was stationed in Korea and we struck up a conversation in a restaurant. She wanted to practice her English, and I wanted to practice my Korean.

    We lived together on American bases in Korea and Japan for 7 years before coming to America and finding out that there are all these stereotypes that we were supposed to conform to. “Asians are supposed to be submissive?” Holy cow we laughed our asses off at that. My wife was a little firebrand! You did NOT disrespect her, or she’d let you have it.

    I experienced bigotry and racism when I was overseas, and she experienced here in America. She got her degree here in America, and was working on a second degree. Her English was excellent, but it had an accent. That accent would cause people to talk to her like she was an idiot – which really made her mad. She was constantly trying to improve her accent.

    So much casual racism is built into our society, and I never noticed until we came here together, and she would try to interact with the bank or grocery store. Even here in California, I’ve been confronted by guys who wanted to kick my ass because I was with a “chink”.

    What you’re seeing here is even more casual racism. Just be yourself, don’t assume anything, and don’t expect the girl you are courting to conform to ANY sort of stereotype. Doing that just leads to being an ass.

  43. 43
    martinc

    Area Man @ 41:

    Hmmm, firstly, while I was being faintly humorous, I am not speaking hypothetically: I do have experience of this.

    Secondly, two minor caveats:

    1) The sites I have been on are generally a bit more sexual than ‘find the love of your life’ things like OKCupid.
    2) The sites I am on have chatrooms, where you can talk to women en masse, and just have a conversation. These give ample opportunity to display wit and charm beyond the ability of the morons writing the drivel given in the examples above.

    Having said all that, your statement “the douche factor is clearly a net negative. For everyone.” is in MY personal experience at least, incorrect.

Leave a Reply

Switch to our mobile site