Meet the World’s Most Powerful ‘Witch’


A friend on Facebook pointed me to the amazing website of Kevin Carlyon, who declares himself to be “the high priest of British white witches” and “possibly one of the world’s most powerful witches and spellcasters.” I like the “possibly” — you don’t want to be too brash about these things, you know. Just reading the first page leaves your jaw agape, starting with this disclaimer:

IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO BE PATIENT FOR A SPELL TO WORK THIS IS NOT THE SITE FOR YOU. I DO NOT PRODUCE RABBITS FROM A HAT, WALK ON WATER OR PRODUCE INSTANT OVERNIGHT MIRACLES. I DO NOT GIVE FIXED TIMESCALES AS EVERY CASE IS UNIQUE.

Always a good idea to begin by lowering expectations, don’t you think? His personal story is simply inspiring:

I suppose any child born nine minutes after Xmas Day, on the day of the Full Moon in an outside toilet where my mother went in to labour and they couldn’t move her would be slightly different but to say the least I have had a strange life. My life was quite normal up until I started primary school but one Sunday just before that my father volunteered to take to play football up on Plumstread Common in London. On the way we stopped to pick up another woman, who he said was coming to play too.

When we got there I was left in the back of the car while they supposedly went to find somewhere to play football. Quite a bit of time past so I went looking for them and there was my dad on top of a woman under a tree! His words were ‘If you tell your mum you are fucking well dead’.

We went back to the car, an old black Wolsley, but it had gone, the keys having been left in the ignitition. By the time we got home it was very late. The first thing that I said to my mum was ‘why was daddy doing press ups on a woman’! I think you can imagine the nuclear row that followed that! I was screamed and shouted at by my father and put to bed by my grandmother who also lived with us.

That night I had a dream of my dad on fire and also woke up and saw my mum walking around the room cleaning, whereas she was still in bed the other side of the room. The next morning I was in the kitchen and my dad was there but ignoring me. I said to him ‘You are going to burn’ and as I said it he turned around and caught the tail of his untucked in shirt on the gas boiling the kettle. Flames shot up his back so I poured a vase of flower water over him which put it out. He wasn’t injured but I couldn’t stop laughing! I think it was a combination of these traumas that triggered my paranormal sides.

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it? He goes through the whole story about how his magical powers developed, then he declares that gay people can’t be good witches for this perfectly rational reason:

Alex and I were often argueing about things he introduced to the Craft, particularly homosexuality in Wicca, something that the creator of modern Wicca, Gerald Gardner, was totally against. I feel that people’s energy is like a battery and has a positive and negative polarity. Male and female make the correct flow but two people of the same sex cause the energies to short circuit and die – thus no good for ritual or sexual magic. However spells do work when cast for or on gay people.

Oh, and more disclaimers:

I make no apologies for this site being a long one as I want you to get an idea of the real me if I am to help you. Its better for me to put magazine articles up so that you can read what others have written about me as opposed to making lots and lots of claims TAKE TIME TO READ IT as most of the questions you may ask are covered here.

Two in every five people that I help have the tendency to become nuicances and in this mean become wholly dependent on me to keep them going. Whereas I am a kind person and to a certain degree an ‘agony uncle’ I do not ‘DO’ reassurance or people not being able to stand on their own to feet. So emails everyday telling me how bad people feel eventually don’t end up being read! So if you are one of these people, and I quickly spot it in someone, it is wise not to do it to me. Neither do I get on with people who are watching a stop watch as to how long its been since the break up or what ever the problem may be. Because you pay for my services doesn’t mean you have bought my soul. If you can understand that we’ll get on fine.

People pay him to mutter a bunch of mumbo jumbo to improve their lives? Apparently so. Benny Hinn would be proud. But it’s on page 33 that he gives his list of rules for helping people:

Down through the years I have met a vast assortment of people, from all walks of life. From the absolutely ‘normal’ and lovely to down and out fruitcakes, who are far beyond help and don’t need the help of a psychic – more a psychiatrist!! I get involved in councelling people but only ones that I feel are within the boundaries of help and not the ones who are ‘blown away’!

From the very start I will say here that I do not tolerate fools or nuisansances lightly and if you become a pest you are unpolitely told to piss off. This applies mainly to people that need constant reassurance or think that because I agree to do a spell for them I want to know all of there problems and how they feel every day. BECAUSE I AGREE TO DO A SPELL DOESN’T MEAN THAT I AGREE WITH WHAT IS BEING ASKED FOR. When choosing to help people ( Yes I am the Judge, The Jury and The Executioner) I have to ensure that they are not asking for rash or completely selfish things. Finance spells seem to be the ones that take longest to work for some people, those born not meant to be lucky, and far, far quicker for other people, those born to be lucky! Love spells can be the most interesting as when someone asks for one, it soon becomes blatantly obvious whose happiness is being thought of. A request must be carefully thought through and not done as an act of desperation. There are the moralistic issues that also have to be thought through. If a person is having an affair is it right to ask for a wish for them to leave their wife, kids, home etc and go to them. Have they thought what they can give in return if they do leave? If the person wished for keeps making excuses not to leave has not the person by then just realised they are just a bonk?

Or you have broken up with someone and you can’t live without them and you ask for a spell to get them back, Are you thinking of their happiness or your own? Did you cause the breakup by cheating, being possessive or even by being violent? My spell will bring them back but you will have a lifeless person who cannot think for themselves as you will be using Witchcraft to keep them with you, whereas they would rather be free!!?? There is a big difference between being selfish and selfless.

IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU DON’T ANTAGONISE SITUATIONS by thinking that the spell will put everything you do right. If for instance you keep nagging the person, lying to them, sleeping with someone (This applies particularly if you are having an affair) else or even doing a job that upsets them (ie pole dancer, prostitute / escort) if you destroy my work I don’t just put it right again. It means starting all over again, including the donation. NEVER TELL ANOTHER PERSON ABOUT THE SPELL AS THIS CAN DIVERT SOME OF THE ENERGIES. IF YOU ASK ME TO FIX SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE CAUSED IN THE FIRST PLACE THERE IS FAR MORE WORK INVOLVED SO THIS SPELL IS ALWAYS MORE

MY WORK IS AIMED AT GETTING A GOOD RESULT – NOT A ‘BODGE’ JOB.
‘FOR NEED, NOT FOR GREED – FOR GOOD RESULTS – NOT FOR SPEED’.

A person must not assume that I am becoming their agony aunt or I want to hear how bad they are feeling. If a person threatens suicide I tell them to go and do it and see if that makes them feel any happier! THREATENING SOMEONE WITH SUICIDE IF THEY DON’T STAY WITH YOU DOESN’T WORK. Some people have lied to me in the past to try to get results and they are soon caught out. This rebounds on them badly. I WILL NOT HELP IF THERE HAS BEEN VIOLENCE INVOLVED OR IN THE CASE OF LOVE SPELLS IF I DETERMINE THAT THE PERSON IS TRULY BEST OFF WITHOUT YOU.

I DO NOT cancel or reverse spells and I DO NOT GIVE REFUNDS AS I ALWAYS ACHIEVE A RESULT, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES. In the past I have given refunds to impatient nuicencies and undone the spell. I’m talking about people who expect a result in days and who are watching a stop watch. If it doesn’t happen by when they think it should they are on the phone every day. This has caused devastating effects on what they wanted and virtually given them the opposite to their initial wish! They stuff it up themselves.

Every spell cast is different and the circumstances can vary greatly so I NO LONGER GIVE TIME SCALES but I will get a result and in the past it has been almost instant, other times it has taken much, much longer. PLEASE DO NOT ASK ME TO BEGIN WORK, PREPARE FOR IT OR ANALYSE IT BEFORE YOU HAVE MADE YOUR DONATION. DO NOT ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING ON CREDIT.

So if you are prepared to abide by my rules I will do my very best to get you results as quickly as possible and in the best possible fashion that you require. I do require weekly updates or relevant information that a person thinks may help, this by text or email, as I don’t sit and make notes, I need something that I can refer back.

Apparently he lacks spells to A) improve his atrocious writing; B) update his 1995 Geocities-style website; or C) make himself less ridiculous-sounding.

Comments

  1. Artor says

    *Facepalm*
    I know a lot of pagans and Wiccans who believe in magic. I think most of them would facepalm at this obnoxious dipshit too.

  2. Nick Gotts says

    “possibly one of the world’s most powerful witches and spellcasters.”

    He’s being unduly modest: I’m positive there is no witch or spellcaster more powerful than him, so he’s undoubtedly one of the most powerful!

  3. Trickster Goddess says

    It must be that orange bathrobe that gives him his power. Looking at the pictures, it seems he needs to wear it to cast spells.

  4. Mr Ed says

    The high priest of British white witches is just a ceremonial title, everyone knows Dumbledore holds the true power.

  5. chisaihana5219 says

    What struck me as I read through his endless drivel was how much it resembled Scientology. They tell you exactly the same things, only with better writing. “Give us money up front. We don’t do crazy people. It takes more time and more money to get it all right. We never guarantee the results exactly as you many want them…etc.”

  6. says

    Apparently he lacks spells…update his 1995 Geocities-style website…”

    Now you’re just being ridiculous. A 1995 Geocities-style website possibly one of the world’s most powerful websites.

  7. zenlike says

    I think it was a combination of these traumas that triggered my paranormal sides.

    Those traumas only triggered an enormous self-delusion.

    But it’s on page 33

    What? Actual pages with page numbers on a website?

    This guy knows he is on the internet, right? And that it is different then a book?

    Talk about delusions :)

  8. Pen says

    Could you possibly forward this to that Nigerian lady? And in fact, we could follow it up with a whole slew of statements from British witches. I’ll even do one myself. It might distract her for a bit.

  9. timberwoof says

    Before I did business with him, I’d want to know when he passed his OWLs and what score he got, and who taught Defense Against the Dark Arts during his senior year.

  10. Ichthyic says

    I feel that people’s energy is like a battery and has a positive and negative polarity. Male and female make the correct flow but two people of the same sex cause the energies to short circuit and die

    wait…. I’ve seen this recently somewhere else?

    some student in Africa given a science award for an essay about how science proves teh gay = bad?

    aha!

    http://www.thisdaylive.com/articles/science-of-gay-marriage/158265/

    The Physics of Gay Marriage

    “To start with, physics is one of the most fundamentals of all the sciences and I used two bar magnets in my research. A bar magnet is a horizontal magnet that has the North Pole and the South Pole and when you bring two bar magnets and you bring the North Pole together you find that the two North Poles will not attract. They will repel, that is, they will push away themselves showing that a man should not attract a man. If you bring two South Poles together you find that the two South Poles will not attract indicating that same sex marriage should not hold. A female should not attract a female as South Pole of a magnet does not attract the South Pole of a magnet. But, when you bring a North Pole of a magnet and a South Pole of a magnet they will attract because they are not the same, indicating that a man will attract a woman because of the way nature has made a female. Even in physics when you study what is called electrostatics, you found that when you rub particles together they don’t attract each other but when you rub particle in another medium they will attract each other. For example, if you use your biro and rub it on your hair, after rubbing, try to bring small pieces of paper they will attract because one is charged while the other one is not charged. But if both of them are charged they don’t attract, which means that man cannot attract another man because they are the same, and a woman should not attract a woman because they are the same. That is how I used physics to prove gay marriage wrong.

    uh huh.

    *headdesk*

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